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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to tell him

171 replies

BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:18

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username!

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally, not loads though. My family live in another county so I sometimes go there for 3/4 nights, he might come and stay one night.

DP doesn't like beach holidays, I do, part of the reason we've not had one!

My mum has just called to say she wants to take me on holiday (she hasn't been away for years either!), leaving very end of August (great last minute deal). I have said I'd love to, but need to run it by DP first (of course!).

Question is, how do I word it? Can I just say: mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, is that Ok?

FWIW I'm 34, DP is 43 and gets on well with my mum!

We have friends who go away independently, that are married with kids and never bat an eye about it, and my DB and DSiL also go away separately (they have one DC), so it's not too unusual, is it?

We've no kids, just pets!

OP posts:
Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 14:17

@showmethegin I am honoured!

I don't have friends really, never have so that's not out of character! But I've always been close to my mum and I don't see her as much as I should (As he points out).

I work late (well, until 6.30pm) every other Monday and he gets funny with me then, and though he tells me to go to the gym all the time, when I do he's funny then, too. Either he 100% doesn't trust me, or he's projecting.

I think if I go I will say to him to contact me when he's free, so I don't keep 'disturbing' him or what have you.

I'd like to think it's just jealousy, but he's not even slightly pleased for me to go.

I feel totally stuck.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/08/2019 14:21

OP he's training you to have no wants, needs or life of your own.

parent999 · 07/08/2019 14:22

You guys dont have kids, so he [and maybe you] have been used to looking after only yourselves. To be blunt I know some couples that dont have kids and they can be....sorry.... very selfish. He's just being a bit spoilt, probably doesnt want to cook his own meals watch TV alone etc. But if he is making veiled threats to see his ex then thats just mean.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 07/08/2019 14:22

Im divorced now but even when my marriage was good I'd go to Spain with my sister once a year for a week and he'd bugger off for longer than that on golfy things and it was absolutely no big deal. And we have two kids as well as pets to juggle. He'd just make arrangements as would I.

Your partner sounds rather controlling. You were worried about asking because you knew you'd get the silent treatment and a sulk. Not right. YANBU.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2019 14:27

You should be packing your bags to leave permanently. Your partner is a world class prick and an abusive twat. I think you've wasted more than enough of your life on him.

NewMe2019 · 07/08/2019 14:31

He sounds like a controlling dick, which you knew as you asked and anticipated him not being ok wit the holiday. I bet these changes you've made are all ones to make him happy....

Tell your mum yes, and have a damn good think whilst you're away. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats and blames you for leaving him. He's a knob OP, you can do better.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 07/08/2019 14:33

You do realise he wants to face time your dm to check you have actually gone with her??

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 14:33

My mum has just said she doesn't want to rock the boat, that we should just forget about it and not cause any issues..

She doesn't seem to think he's being unreasonable, just that it's because he'll miss me..

Now I'm totally confused.

OP posts:
SmallestViolin · 07/08/2019 14:33

It's really upset me to be honest. We live together, do everything together, so perhaps that's what he's finding hard?

No. That's not what he's finding hard. What he's finding hard is that he thought he'd trained you to behave yourself and you're showing him that you're still your own person. As you should be.

Tbh, if I'd been away, as you did previously, and then found my bf had been for dinner with his ex as a means of 'punishing' me for going away and then used this as some sort of future leverage in his favour, I'd have ended it by now.

This is one of those situations where you are permitted to fail your training!

I'm single now, but I went on holiday without my husband when I was married. He didn't, but he certainly went to parties and away for the weekend for events whilst I stayed at home.

Don't feel stuck. You can't control how other people behave, only how you respond to it. He's having a tantrum. Are you going to do exactly what he wants and miss out on the holiday? Or are you going to go anyway?

Walkmehome · 07/08/2019 14:33

You were worried about telling him and this was why. Don’t even think of saying no which is what he wants you to do.

SmallestViolin · 07/08/2019 14:34

Your mum is wrong Sad

perdigal · 07/08/2019 14:36

OP this is not normal at all.

Goes quiet with you when you have a few days away. I think you said your family are 3-4 hours away, what does he expect you to do? Never see your family??

What happens if you have kids? Never able to go on a UK holiday with your parents in the long summer Holidays without getting this hypocritical crap from him.

Honestly OP most loving partners would just say " Sounds lovely , have a great time". Truly. Mine would and does.

Every year I go to Wales with girlfriends and the children - if he's like this with your mum- he's going to be dreadful when it comes to friends.

It's a disgrace. He's a disgrace.

And here's to my first LTB
This does not bode well.

CaptainJaneway62 · 07/08/2019 14:37

Book it and tell him you will be doing it again next year! He can be invited in the future(if you're still together!)as well as your mum seems to get on with him.
Tbh I don't know why you have not done it sooner!

He is a prat though and if things were the other way round he would be telling you to suck it up and deal with it.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with going on holidays separately especially when people have different interests.

I am excited for you so get it booked and look forward to it and don't let him make you feel guilty.

SmallestViolin · 07/08/2019 14:37

Even if your mum were right and he's just going to miss you (she's not right, btw. That's not what this is about), then how bloody selfish to stop someone you love from doing something they would love to do and really enjoy (that they no longer get to do because you don't enjoy it) with their mum because you will miss them.

mollyblack · 07/08/2019 14:39

Your mum should be supporting you not placating him!

Please leave him- i'm so angry on your behalf.

CaptainJaneway62 · 07/08/2019 14:40

NO Your mum is definitely wrong!
But he has got the desired result already...you and your mum doubting that having holiday together is a bad idea.
Tell your mum he can come with you both in the future when he's no longer dog sitting.

Parent999 · 07/08/2019 14:41

"She doesn't seem to think he's being unreasonable, just that it's because he'll miss me.."

Boom, I knew it. He's being a big man child. Did you ask him if he wanted to go?

Honestly dont worry about it. Just go, stock the fridge and get going.
He'll get over it. What a baby

SmallestViolin · 07/08/2019 14:42

stock the fridge

WTF???

Walkmehome · 07/08/2019 14:42

You didn’t have to tell your mum about his reaction.

Aussiebean · 07/08/2019 14:43

Two weeks in Aus with my family, booked by dh as a surprise.

Hour oh is an arse and your mum shouldn’t be condoning his controlling behaviour.

Aussiebean · 07/08/2019 14:43

*your

PhillyLift · 07/08/2019 14:48

Is it normal in your family for the women to ensure men are always put first?

Is that what your mother does?

Because it's crazy that you and your mum are dithering about this because your partner, who is a grown man, and quite able to manage for two weeks by himself, might miss you or be unhappy about you going.

RedWoollyHat · 07/08/2019 14:49

If you don't go, see if he's "unusually nice"to you for a couple of days afterwards. If he is it's your reward for being obedient.

If you want to stay with him, but don't want to live like this forever, then the only thing to do is to book it, go and ignore any and all sulking, tantrums, silences, etc... for the duration of time you are away and when you're back home. But you should hopefully also see that it is not ok that he's behaving this way. Not at all.

parent999 · 07/08/2019 14:49

SmallestViolin Wed 07-Aug-19 14:42:06
stock the fridge

WTF???

Im sorry op, I know this must be hard and Im trying not to be too silly. But if he's going to be a spoilt brat, sulking and phoning Mum to put a spanner in the works then treat him like a kid. label his food for him, put his toys out and make sure he cant hurt himself on anything sharp.

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/08/2019 14:52

I have given up a lot, and changed a lot, since moving in together

Now why does this not surprise me?

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