Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to tell him

171 replies

BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:18

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username!

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally, not loads though. My family live in another county so I sometimes go there for 3/4 nights, he might come and stay one night.

DP doesn't like beach holidays, I do, part of the reason we've not had one!

My mum has just called to say she wants to take me on holiday (she hasn't been away for years either!), leaving very end of August (great last minute deal). I have said I'd love to, but need to run it by DP first (of course!).

Question is, how do I word it? Can I just say: mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, is that Ok?

FWIW I'm 34, DP is 43 and gets on well with my mum!

We have friends who go away independently, that are married with kids and never bat an eye about it, and my DB and DSiL also go away separately (they have one DC), so it's not too unusual, is it?

We've no kids, just pets!

OP posts:
Spotsandstars · 08/08/2019 11:54

At 34 you can start over. Leave him now.

ISpeakJive · 08/08/2019 12:02

He’s a controlling, sulky, manipulative arsehole.
Do you really want to live your life like this? You are going to end up so miserable you won’t even know who the real you will be anymore.

giantnannyknickers · 08/08/2019 12:12

Please god go on the holiday and have a nice break with your
Mom. A break from
The gaslighting and manipulation. My ex used do the same thing, I stopped going out; having hobbies and changed so much just to try and please him and of course it was never good enough: nothing I did was right
Or good enough. He's manipulating the fact your an empathetic and kind and caring and supportive. All the things he is not.

Please please please GO ON THE HOLIDAY

cpjoli · 08/08/2019 12:16

My DH goes away with his mates every year, so the last few years I've been away with my mum for a break. My DH doesn't like beach holidays either. We go away somewhere as a family too, but I think it does us good to have a break !
Hes being v unfair.

Hidingtonothing · 08/08/2019 13:21

This is your wake up call OP, his totally abnormal reaction to an entirely normal situation has shown you exactly who and what he is. You can look for other reasons/justification for his behaviour all you like but you know what this is, he is controlling you. Stop doubting what you know deep down, the doubts are a result of his gaslighting but your gut instinct is still telling you the truth.

You need this holiday. You will never see things clearly while he's around to mess with your head, and that's why he doesn't want you to go. He knows what he's doing to you and he's terrified you'll realise once you're away from him. And he's right, you will, and that's exactly why you must go.

Horehound · 08/08/2019 13:33

You are prepared to miss a holiday with your mum for a man who needs to threaten and manipulate you to keep you in your place.
He doesn't want you to have a good time.
This is your life ffs. Pllleeaasseeee go and plllleeaaseee leave him!

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 08/08/2019 13:41

Just had a row on the phone (I'm at work).
He asked if I thought the relationship would withstand it, I said of course it should, and if there was any question that it wouldn't then it wasn't a good relationship.
I've been accused of forbidding him from seeing his friends, making him stay at home (he said he stays when I'm there because it's company). He said he'll leave the dog with his parents and go stay with a friend for a weekend. I've told him to go for it. He won't leave him anywhere to go out with me, but there you go.
I don't want to go home today!

OP posts:
Horehound · 08/08/2019 13:43

I want to shake you.

SmallestViolin · 08/08/2019 13:52

I just wanted him to be normal, and say great, have a brilliant time!

Well now you know that he won't do that, what are you going to do?

Honestly, my marriage was awful. We had so many differences and he was also controlling and manipulative - he threw away all my books (horror) and records (punk and goth) because he said that, as I was a wife and mother now, I should grow up and behave more 'responsibly'.

Yet even he didn't try stopping me from seeing my only friend or going away for the week when I wanted because we both benefitted from the time apart.

It's so important to you go on so many levels - you deserve a holiday; you deserve to spend that time with your mum; you need a break to view this relationship with a clear head...

What is the worst that he can do?

Dump you?

Because, from where we are clearly all sitting, that would he a blessing!

Herat1986 · 08/08/2019 14:00

OP I hate how the words abuse and abuser get bandied round on munsnet all the time for little to no reason.

But you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/08/2019 14:01

You’re waiting for him to change - he’ll never change... I’ve been where you are now. It won’t atop until you atop it. He’ll isolate you from friends, you’ll atop seeing them because it’s too much hassle, you’ll atop seeing your family, because it’s too much hassle, he’ll then move into financial abuse, then sexual and before you know it he’ll start pushing and shoving you, you’ll be walking on egg shells for years.

Save yourself a lifetime of shit and go on holiday with your Mum (she won’t be around forever), tell him to leave

Hidingtonothing · 08/08/2019 14:13

It's interesting that he seems to think saying he'll go out/away with friends is some kind of threat Confused It's like he's seeing it as a retaliatory move, is that because he knows you wouldn't like it, or just pure projection because he hates it when you do things without him?

82YorkshireLass · 08/08/2019 14:15

I think you need this holiday to be able to step back and get the space you need to get some perspective away from him. He is controlling, there's no doubt about it. He sounds exactly like my ex - I put up with it for too long and like you I spent most of the relationship feeling guilty about his feelings, no matter how unreasonable they were. He made me feel that wanting to spend time with friends and family was me saying I didn't want to spend time with him. Slowly but surely he isolated me completely.

I can't emphasise enough how important it is for you to go on this holiday and then think, really think, about this relationship. His behaviour isn't normal - it can be so hard to see that when you're in it, but trust me, if you leave him one day you'll look back and you'll see how bad it actually was. Please don't start accepting this as normal and don't let it continue because it'll grind you down.

bunhead34 · 08/08/2019 14:18

Go home, watch 'I am Nicola' on channel 4, then book the damn holiday!

I hope you have a lovely time x

Chocolate123 · 08/08/2019 14:24

He's a controlling selfish bully who's always going to use this kind of behaviour every time you want to do something for yourself. I'd book the holiday and tell him to take the time apart to reflect on his behaviour to you.

Nix32 · 08/08/2019 17:09

I'm coming on to say exactly what @bunhead34 has said!

lucy2311 · 08/08/2019 17:40

Leave him

testingtesting111 · 08/08/2019 19:08

His behaviour and reactions are not normal in any way. He is trying to control you and get you to"step in line" with what he wants. To be blunt, sounds like he couldn't care less about you - it is purely control he wants. Do t let him do this to you.

Epona1 · 08/08/2019 19:27

Go on the holiday with your Mum.

It’s no way to live is it? Only one life, go live it and dump the selfish bully.
You sound as though you have a good close relationship with your Mum, grasp every moment you can, cherish the time with her, when she’s gone she’s gone.

Twattish partners are easily dumped and replaced, cherished Mums can’t be.

MulticolourMophead · 08/08/2019 19:46

You’re waiting for him to change - he’ll never change...

OP, go on the holiday and get rid of him. Reading your posts, I reckon he's projecting along with all the control stuff. I would not be surprised at all to find he's cheated on you at least once.

Go and do the Freedom programme and then make a new life without him, perhaps back near your family and friends.

giantnannyknickers · 08/08/2019 19:57

@BourbonAndTea he's projecting his own shite into you. Honestly first it's a holiday, then it will be your mom, your job, your friends etc and you'll give it all up for him and he still won't be happy.
He's super manipulative and controlling.

What age is he? Could you stay with friends tonight? Go the movies?

JK1773 · 08/08/2019 20:02

OP he’s trying to wreck your holiday before it’s even booked so you won’t go. He’s an absolute tool!!!! You book that holiday and use the time away with your lovely mum to get some headspace and figure out what you want in your life. Talk things over with your mum if you need support. What an opportunity to clear your head and think. It will probably be the best thing you ever do.

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 13/08/2019 15:28

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate them all, and I am so grateful to you all for taking the time to post.

It's booked, I'm going! Felt super proud just standing my ground, and now he thinks it's a great idea (and of course his!)..!

Can't wait!

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 13/08/2019 15:42

It sounds like there are other issues with your partner. You should be able to discuss,and then go away on this holiday with your Mother, after being with your partner for six years or so. Would it be a controlling issue, only you would know this. His reactions to you sound way out I think.

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 13/08/2019 15:49

1forAll74 yes you are correct, and the responses on here have made me realise that there are far deeper problems than whether or not I'm 'allowed' to go on holiday...

OP posts: