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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me to tell him

171 replies

BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:18

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username!

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally, not loads though. My family live in another county so I sometimes go there for 3/4 nights, he might come and stay one night.

DP doesn't like beach holidays, I do, part of the reason we've not had one!

My mum has just called to say she wants to take me on holiday (she hasn't been away for years either!), leaving very end of August (great last minute deal). I have said I'd love to, but need to run it by DP first (of course!).

Question is, how do I word it? Can I just say: mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, is that Ok?

FWIW I'm 34, DP is 43 and gets on well with my mum!

We have friends who go away independently, that are married with kids and never bat an eye about it, and my DB and DSiL also go away separately (they have one DC), so it's not too unusual, is it?

We've no kids, just pets!

OP posts:

seahorse85 · 13/08/2019 16:46

Well done for standing your ground OP! Delighted you're going. You would have regretted it if not and the resentment would have festered.

You've done nothing wrong. The man child will cope! Have a lovely time with your mum!

AHamsterOnAWheel · 13/08/2019 18:26

Great news OP! I'm glad you've booked it. Make sure you enjoy it. Don't let him ruin it for you whilst you are away. You deserve this break after having to put up with him!

Tracklements · 13/08/2019 18:36

Good for you enjoy your holiday with your mum, and while you are away you will have plenty of time to re-evaluate this relationship, and decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a sulking manipulative git.

giantnannyknickers · 13/08/2019 21:20

Great news! A well deserved break!

Original poster

BourbonAndTea · 14/08/2019 13:17

He seems to have changed his tune completely and is fully supportive of me going (for the time being).. We'll see when it comes to buying a suitcase/bikinis/etc..

Thank you all for the moral support, I think without it I wouldn't have gone..!

OP posts:

dailydaze · 14/08/2019 13:45

I think you must have known he might have a bad reaction because you were worried to tell him in the first place. He is being an ass and behaving like a brat. DO NOT feel guilty for going on holiday with your mum, you aren't doing anything wrong and how he feels is HIS problem.

I'd be asking what exactly his problem is. Does he have a bad temper?

Horehound · 14/08/2019 13:57

You knew and I agreed with you that he would change his tune.
You are right about waiting to see about the buying of bikinis etc.

I find it weird you're not questioning why all of a sudden he's ok with it? Just before you go im sure he will let slip all the amazing plans he has organised to do with his mates whilst you're away. Parting gift to make you worry whilst you're on holiday.

Why are you still with him?

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2019 14:09

Are you staying with him after all this shit ?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/08/2019 14:30

I'm so glad you are going.
Honestly OP, you have chosen a partner just like your mothers partner.
It's not healthy at all.
Your DP is controlling and abusive.
Read - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

Do some reading on google on Co-dependency.
Also google FOG (fear obligation guilt)
You are a people pleaser and you got this from your mother and her example of a relationship.
Don't pass this on to any other children.

I would also suggest googling
NPD
Gaslighting abuse
Stonewalling abuse

You really need to understand the situation you are in.
And plan to get out asap!

PixiKitKat · 14/08/2019 14:49

Glad I got to page 7 to see you have booked it! I regularly have weekends with friends and I know if I booked 2 weeks my partner would be a bit sad as he'd miss me but he'd be telling me to have a great time and bring him something back.

I'd use the time away to think about what you want, personally I'd be looking to move and end the relationship as I couldn't deal a partner like yours.

Rivkka · 14/08/2019 15:07

Hmmmmm I hope he doesn't spoil it for you when you go.

Seren10 · 14/08/2019 15:16

Yay, have a lovely time without him!

He sounds completely vile.

BraveGoldie · 14/08/2019 16:09

Well done for going and asserting yourself!

While you are away, hopefully you will have time to prepare yourself to assert yourself further ..... it is definitely not worth staying in a relationship that expects you to be a smaller, more controlled form of yourself than you could be.

Have a great holiday!

Original poster

BourbonAndTea · 15/08/2019 09:35

Thanks everyone.

I'm under no illusions the next two weeks will be full of ups and downs, little jibes and probably some threats about what he's going to get up to, but I have found something out; I don't seem to care.

If he does things like cheat etc., then that's him putting an end to the relationship, he knows that.

At the moment he is being supportive and kind so I'm going with that. I can't wait to go now!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2019 09:46

Yeah!
Have a fabulous time.
If he starts to sabotage it while you are away then just block him and get on with enjoying it.

sheshootssheimplores · 15/08/2019 09:47

I would go away and use the time to plan a new life without him. To my mind the relationship is over. Could you afford to go back to living alone?

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2019 11:03

So he's being nice now so it's all ok until next time

Each2TheirOwn · 15/08/2019 18:06

Well done OP! Have an amazing time 🔅👙 x

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 19:13

You know this is not a normal or healthy reaction or relationship? He is trying to isolate you. We can urge you to leave but the decision is yours. Just know this is not normal. I go and spend a month with my family sometimes without DP due to his work commitments, but my family aren’t from where I live and he understands how important they are to me.

tomatostottie · 15/08/2019 20:36

Glad you are going.
I think you should take opportunities when you get them and I think it will be lovely for you to spend 2 weeks with your Mum - that's really precious time and you'll have great memories.
(I lost my Dad a few months ago and I am eternally grateful that I visited him last summer and went on a holiday with him a year ago). Obviously not saying anything is going to happen to your Mum, but time with her is more precious and valuable than staying at home with some fuckwit.
Which he is - he's a fuckwit. I think he has been absolutely horrible about this holiday and threatening. I think he is really mean about the guinea pigs and I would find an alternative carer for them while you are away because I wouldn't be able to trust him with them.

If he does things like cheat etc., then that's him putting an end to the relationship, he knows that.
The fact is that if this is even entering your, or his head before the holiday then the relationship isn't that great anyway. Spend the time on holiday to think about what you want in life.

Original poster

BourbonAndTea · 16/09/2019 12:30

I'm back!

We had a wonderful time, the world did not end, my partner enjoyed having time to himself, too!

Thank you all for convincing me to go!!

OP posts:

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