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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend on holiday, not been in touch in 3 days. Don't know how to handle it.

251 replies

Indianajonesy66 · 30/07/2019 09:19

Feeling like a complete idiot....

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Boyfriend is currently away on holiday and hasn't been in touch in 3 days and I'm now getting very anxious and have no idea how to handle it.

Bit of background:
My ex partner of 2 years randomly ended our relationship by suddenly ghosting me. He literally stopped answering my calls and texts. After a month he reinitiated contact but I chose to walk away as I had seen just how possessive and controlling he had been in our relationship.

During our breakup I went and saw a therapist who helped me a lot. I slowly regained my confidence and I thought I was ok but I do still have some underlying trust issues.

I'm now in a relationship with another guy who has been incredibly sweet, affectionate, loving etc. Our relationship is fairly new but he's left me in no doubt about his feelings. We have lots of future plans made, I've been intro to friends and family etc.

He had the opportunity to go on an amazing 10 day trip to France. Sadly it was too last minute for me to go too but I encouraged him to go because I knew it was too good an opportunity for him to miss it. I knew I was going to struggle with anxiety with him going away but also want him to be able to live his life. He knows about my previous experience with my ex too.

He went away on Wednesday and has apparently had a nightmare with his phone not sending texts etc or even letting him use data so his contact has been sketchy but very sweet and affectionate when he has got in contact. I was coping fine with only hearing from him occasionally, until now....

The last contact I had with him was on Saturday. We chatted for over an hour. He was saying how much he missed me and was making future plans with me. He asked if he could get dropped off at my house when they come back on Saturday and stay with me for a few days and I said yes (but didn't give him my address at that point). He then said his phone battery was only at 2% so he had to go but we'd chat soon.

Later that night I sent him a flirty text wanting to surprise him when he managed to check his messages again.

However nearly 3 days later there's been no contact from him. He's not been online or on facebook at all that I can tell (I can see his last online statuses) and my message still hasn't been delivered to his phone. His relationship status on Facebook still says in a relationship. I was making up all these excuses in my head for why he's not been in touch, like maybe he was having issues charging his phone at the campsite etc.

Then one of the people he's gone away with started a public photo album of their trip. I was relieved as they posted a few pictures of my boyfriend so at least I knew he was ok.

Then this morning one of the girls in the group posted a picture of him standing with her directing an electric fan at him and him smiling at her. A proper electric fan with a cord so he clearly does have access to electricity and could most likely charge his phone.

I've just been left feeling like shit and now have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm so tempted to post a comment on the photo saying something like "nice to see you're still alive" or something like that because I feel so frustrated and angry but deep down I know that will probably just aggravate the situation and make me feel worse. I don't want to be a possessive, horrible girlfriend and I don't expect him to be in touch all the time but do feel hurt that he's not been in touch in so long especially as he knows how my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, just wait for him to get in touch I guess. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and post on the photo because then at least he might give me some closure sooner. I have no idea where I stand anymore or if I'm still going to see him on Saturday. Just so confused.

OP posts:
OpheliaTodd · 30/07/2019 09:22

Stop panicking. It sounds as if he’s keen. I wouldn’t expect more than the odd text if DH went away let alone a fairly new boyfriend. Chill.

popcorndiva · 30/07/2019 09:24

I know you say he knows about your past but I wouldn't tell him what you have written here as it sounds scarily possesive. He is on holiday and it sounds like you are only just dating so throwing demands on how much he texts you will scare him

Bookaholic73 · 30/07/2019 09:24

How long have you been with him?

Honestly, it sounds like you are blowing this all out of proportion. He hasn’t been online, and the message you sent hasn’t been delivered to his phone.
He isn’t ignoring your message, he just hasn’t seen it yet. How can he be ignoring something he hasn’t even seen?

You need to chill out.
Posting a silly shitty message in the girls Facebook photo will make you look like a possessive jealous girlfriend.

Just leave it and wait for him to get in touch.

Ounce · 30/07/2019 09:28

He's on holiday! Leave him alone. Find something else to do.

StarlightIntheNight · 30/07/2019 09:28

hmm I would say keep yourself busy etc. He may just be distracted. However, usually if someone wants to be in touch, they find a way. When he does contact you, I would give it some time until you respond. Meaning, don't jump at the chance to respond, keep yourself busy etc. But also don't take days, as this would be obvious...but you don't want to make it look like you have been waiting around for him to message you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/07/2019 09:30

He doesn't even know where you live so this suggests this is all very new ? You really are catastrophising here /overthinking . Keep yourself busy - send the odd ' hope you're having a good time..know it's difficult for you to keep in touch camping " and " can't wait to see you on Saturday ". No FB comments .

Indianajonesy66 · 30/07/2019 09:32

I totally get that he's on holiday and I've deliberately left him alone and not initiated any contact myself to make sure I'm giving him space etc. All contact has been initiated by him, apart from my flirty message.

He's said he'd keep me updated and said we'd talk soon in his last message.

I just think if someone cares about you they'll find a way of checking in every now and then.

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 30/07/2019 09:33

It’s only 3 days and he’s on holiday.

Try to get a handle on your anxiety because it will kill a relationship.

I wouldn’t expect any contact at all if my BF were away for a break with friends; he clearly likes you, try and relax.

Indianajonesy66 · 30/07/2019 09:33

He knows where I live but not my actual address. I've been staying at his more because of him having to work lots recently.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/07/2019 09:36

He probably doesn't have enough data

Stop being so clingy, having a shit past relationship does not entitle you to be a clingon in this one. Try to see some friends, have some fun yourself this week and then you'll be happy to see him on Saturday

dragonflyflew · 30/07/2019 09:38

Leave him alone and use this page to vent and express your insecurities. Maybe worth getting some too up counselling too.
I’m a big fan of The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle, loads on YouTube. I’d say it’s rescued me from making loads of crazy mistakes in my new relationship and I do use mumsnet when I’m feeling scared or insecure. I’m on a waiting list for counselling.
For what it’s worth, I had a recent trip to Spain and the whole phone thing was a pain in the arse. No data abroad or WiFi for days and the socket kept spitting my charger out. It was more trouble than it was worth. Plus I didn’t want to spend my holiday glued to my phone.
Give him space, be cool , although I understand how you feel, it’s your issue, not his. it would be unfair to put any pressure on someone on their holiday.

YouJustDoYou · 30/07/2019 09:39

If he doesn't know where you live I'm assuming you've not been with him long. Honestly, I'd just leave it. If he doesn't get back in contact then maybe there's an explanation, but if the others are capable of chargingtheir phones/posting to facebook then so does he supposedly.

Indianajonesy66 · 30/07/2019 09:39

If I knew I was seeing him on Saturday I'd relax but I don't know because he's not been in touch. It's all up in the air.

I personally don't think it's clingy to miss him and want contact with him.

I'll leave him to do it. I just don't want to be made a fool of again.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 30/07/2019 09:39

So he hasn't been on SM and his phone is off - he wants some time away from the world. People do that on holiday, it's nice to switch off sometimes.

Chill out!

How long have you been together?

Skittlenommer · 30/07/2019 09:39

I don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship. You will kill what you have with him stone dead if you continue on like you are!

My DH goes on a holiday with a group of friends every year and we don’t speak while he’s away. I relish the opportunity to enjoy my own company during this time as does he. We always go out for dinner the night he gets back and have the best time catching up. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip. You’re still two individual, independent people. You’re being possessive and after such a short time too! It doesn’t bode well for the future.

MashedSpud · 30/07/2019 09:40

I wouldn’t post a snarky comment otherwise he will feel you’re trying to ruin his holiday.

You didn’t say how new the relationship is but behaving all jealous early on is going to make him rethink things.

notacooldad · 30/07/2019 09:41

So you had contact with him on Saturday and it's only Tuesday morning. It's been two days without contact from someone you are fairly recently dating by the sound of.

To be honest if I was in his shoes ( and I don't mean this in an unkind way ) I wouldn't be in contact at all. I take the view when I'm away that I'm away from home and hardly use my phone except for pictures and Google translate! I only used to ring when the kids were young.

I just think if someone cares about you they'll find a way of checking in every now and then. You are reading way to much into this!

If someone told me all that you said it and I was only just dating them I would be running to the hills thinking you were too needy.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 30/07/2019 09:41

Don't let the one who cut you make you bleed one someone else.

The way your ex treated you is not your new man's fault and it's unfair to take it out on him.

It's has only been 3 days, you're in a new relationship, he's explained he's having data issues and is keen when he is chatting. He's done nothing wrong at all.

You really need to get a handle on how you're feeling because you are coming across as a jealous and possessive girlfriend right now.

dragonflyflew · 30/07/2019 09:41

It’s not up in the air. He’s told you he wants to see you Saturday. Presumably you have a vague idea when he’s coming back? When he’s back in uk no doubt he’ll get in touch to arrange or if he needs address.

BuckingFrolics · 30/07/2019 09:42

You're over reacting.

MyOtherProfile · 30/07/2019 09:45

Seriously don't comment on the picture unless it's to say looks like fun or something genuinely positive. Then make sure you fill the rest of this week up with fun things to keep you busy. Don't make your life all about a recent boyfriend. And the last thing he said was that he would come to you on Saturday so that doesn't sound up in the air to me.

PotteringAlong · 30/07/2019 09:48

Bloody hell! He is checking in every now and then! You spoke to him at the weekend!

If you carry on like this he’s going to leave you to it. Honestly; you need to get a grip.

Indianajonesy66 · 30/07/2019 09:48

We've been together a month but known each other a year. He approached me. I've been very honest with him that I've been very hurt and that I wasn't entirely sure I was ready but he said it would be ok and it's been absolutely great up until now.

I was honest and said I would struggle with him being away but that I wanted him to go and have an amazing time. He was having second thoughts before he went and I convinced him to go.

I've been absolutely fine normally when we go a day or 2 without contact but I am struggling with him being abroad and his phone not receiving messages. The lack of contact is very out of character and confusing to me.

I've deliberately stepped back to give him space and waited for him to contact me and that's what I'll continue to do.

But it is hard not hearing from him.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 30/07/2019 09:49

Please don’t comment on the photo. That’s bunny boiler material. It’s a new relationship, he’s away on holiday with friends. Leave him be.

PotteringAlong · 30/07/2019 09:49

You’ve been together 4 weeks?! Honestly, stop now.

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