Boyfriend on holiday, not been in touch in 3 days. Don't know how to handle it.

[Indianajonesy66]

Feeling like a complete idiot....

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Boyfriend is currently away on holiday and hasn't been in touch in 3 days and I'm now getting very anxious and have no idea how to handle it.

Bit of background:
My ex partner of 2 years randomly ended our relationship by suddenly ghosting me. He literally stopped answering my calls and texts. After a month he reinitiated contact but I chose to walk away as I had seen just how possessive and controlling he had been in our relationship.

During our breakup I went and saw a therapist who helped me a lot. I slowly regained my confidence and I thought I was ok but I do still have some underlying trust issues.

I'm now in a relationship with another guy who has been incredibly sweet, affectionate, loving etc. Our relationship is fairly new but he's left me in no doubt about his feelings. We have lots of future plans made, I've been intro to friends and family etc.

He had the opportunity to go on an amazing 10 day trip to France. Sadly it was too last minute for me to go too but I encouraged him to go because I knew it was too good an opportunity for him to miss it. I knew I was going to struggle with anxiety with him going away but also want him to be able to live his life. He knows about my previous experience with my ex too.

He went away on Wednesday and has apparently had a nightmare with his phone not sending texts etc or even letting him use data so his contact has been sketchy but very sweet and affectionate when he has got in contact. I was coping fine with only hearing from him occasionally, until now....

The last contact I had with him was on Saturday. We chatted for over an hour. He was saying how much he missed me and was making future plans with me. He asked if he could get dropped off at my house when they come back on Saturday and stay with me for a few days and I said yes (but didn't give him my address at that point). He then said his phone battery was only at 2% so he had to go but we'd chat soon.

Later that night I sent him a flirty text wanting to surprise him when he managed to check his messages again.

However nearly 3 days later there's been no contact from him. He's not been online or on facebook at all that I can tell (I can see his last online statuses) and my message still hasn't been delivered to his phone. His relationship status on Facebook still says in a relationship. I was making up all these excuses in my head for why he's not been in touch, like maybe he was having issues charging his phone at the campsite etc.

Then one of the people he's gone away with started a public photo album of their trip. I was relieved as they posted a few pictures of my boyfriend so at least I knew he was ok.

Then this morning one of the girls in the group posted a picture of him standing with her directing an electric fan at him and him smiling at her. A proper electric fan with a cord so he clearly does have access to electricity and could most likely charge his phone.

I've just been left feeling like shit and now have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm so tempted to post a comment on the photo saying something like "nice to see you're still alive" or something like that because I feel so frustrated and angry but deep down I know that will probably just aggravate the situation and make me feel worse. I don't want to be a possessive, horrible girlfriend and I don't expect him to be in touch all the time but do feel hurt that he's not been in touch in so long especially as he knows how my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, just wait for him to get in touch I guess. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and post on the photo because then at least he might give me some closure sooner. I have no idea where I stand anymore or if I'm still going to see him on Saturday. Just so confused.

@BackforGood I know a lot of people from different countries, backgrounds and ages and again do not know a single one that would go this long without at least sending one text or a quick phone call. Of course there are people that are happy to go days on end without saying a single word but I think they are in a minority.

Only on MN would wanting a quick 'hello how are you text' be considered needy or obsessive. It's like a pissing contest in who can be as nonchalant about their relationship as possible.

I think you have had a lot of reassurance here, that it's fine and not to worry. Yes, it'd be nice for him to check in but he isn't being unreasonable.

Don't write in the Facebook photo as that would send so many red flags up to him and those who know him will think you're really odd - not a great start to your relationship.

He'll be home soon, don't give him a hard time - you will shoot yourself in the foot and it won't go down well. It's fine to mention that you were worried, but keep it light.

Good luck op. Be smart about this, being clingy and possessive is not a good thing in any relationship.

Only on MN would wanting a quick 'hello how are you text' be considered needy or obsessive
The issue was Ops extreme reaction because she hadnt heard from him on Sunday or Monday despite having an hours conversation on Saturday. She posted on Tuesday morning how she felt like shit.
That is not normal especially as they have only been dating for a few weeks.

Has he got off with someone (shows age re terminology)

Only on MN would wanting a quick 'hello how are you text' be considered needy or obsessive I agree with this, especially in the context of previous discussions they’ve had.

So they have a talk on Saturday night, they talk about their feelings, hopes etc and about being together when he comes home, and then nothing. Even to the point that when the OP sent a quick text she didn’t get a reply. And then him being tagged on social media with some other girl....?

While I do think that a reply on the fb picture would be a step too far, I don’t think that wondering why he can’t even find the time or inclination to send a quick “having fun,” response to a text is.

They’re in a honeymoon period of their relationship. They’ve just got together at a point where they would want to be in touch with each other, and he has a mobile phone. It’s not like the days when e.g. me and eXH got together and mobiles were practically unheard of and where when we both went on separate holidays we had to rely on finding a call box to ring the other so we knew it would only be once or twice in the duration of the holiday.

Of course he may be off having a good time with mates, but let’s not pretend that he’s going to be out having fun 24 hours a day. If he can’t be bothered to even reply to a text this early on then that says more about him than it does about the OP TBH.

As I said, I wouldn’t put anything on the FB picture or that will look obsessive.

But I wouldn’t get in touch with him again and would wait for him to contact you when he gets back.

And I would assume the weekend isn’t going to happen until he confirms otherwise.

How did people cope before they could check "delivered status", "read status", relationship status etc - maybe it was better that way because you couldn't obsess over the tiny insignificant stuff.
Seriously though, 4 weeks I think perhaps you need to find something to occupy yourself.
Men generally don't like being "stalked" by anxious women.

Please tell me 66 isn’t your year of birth?!

Look, you may have been burned in the past and you may be anxious, but all this needy teenage drama simply isn’t healthy. And after only 4 weeks it’s ridiculous. I think you should discuss this with your therapist and try and build your self-esteem alone for a while before being in any kind of relationship.

This is soooo intense after 4 weeks. I remember a relationship like this when I was about 15 lol! We thought we were in love after 4 weeks lol oh how I smile when I look back lol!

I disagree. When you’re new he should be all over you.

It's not unusual to miss somebody's contacts but making it a catastrophe is.

You are over invested and that is not healthy. I say this as somebody who always over invested and obsessed.
I ended up settling.

Invest in other areas if your life, if you were busy with hobbies etc you wouldn't be stalking this man. I will be a bit harsh and say get some self respect and don't offer your feelings up on a platter like this. You need to get some power back.

New relationships can be filled with insecurity when one partner goes off to have a holiday without the other. It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way. You just need to get him out of your head for a few days. Distract yourself, do anything that helps you feel nurtured and calm. Try and keep your anxiety under control. He will be home soon and he will be in touch again before then. You had a life before him, remind yourself of what that was. Please do not comment on any pics on FB. That's nuts and you'll regret it. I get that you're angry and I personally agree you have a right to be angry. I would be too but better to handle this calmly. Get yourself together so that when he is home you are not a clingy insecure mess. This situation has massively triggered you but you can get yourself together again! Come on girl, you are strong, independent working woman with her own place - you CAN do this!!!

Oh and when he gets home you can be very clear about what you didn't like about his lack of contact. Hopefully he'll apologise. Stand your ground!

Just a thought - he could have sent his "hey" message a few days ago but it didn't send because he had no signal, just as your message didn't go through to him. He could have been feeling the same way as you - anxious that you hadn't been in touch.

I understand anxiety in relationships and it's really hard. I think it's important to be honest with each other but also to realise that requiring and receiving reassurance actually increases the anxiety as it increases the need for reassurance. I think you've done the right thing to post here rather than reveal it all to him so early on, but equally you're being honest with each other about the presence of anxiety. Keep talking to each other but try to find ways to manage your anxiety on your own. Have a look at CBT if you haven't already.

How are you feeling today OP?

When someone starts saying they're worried they’re gonna let you down after a month, I’d be very cautious tbh. He clearly has an inkling already either that he isn’t going to be able to give you what he wants to, or that you’re expecting too much from him.

At four weeks into something if I got those messages from him about having weird emotions and worrying he’s gonna let you down i’d be replying

‘Oh that’s a shame while you’re on holiday! Hope you have a good time and figure things out x’

And to his ‘gonna let you down’ message

‘Not sure how you could let me down, we’ve only been dating a few weeks there are no expectations on this side other than getting to know each other and seeing how it goes, don’t overthink it! Have a great time x’

It’s all terribly intense. Sounds almost like you’re all in already after a few weeks and he’s feeling the pressure or realising he’s not up for something so serious so soon.

Either way, focus on your own life and see how it goes when he’s back. I wouldn’t have agreed to a new date of a month staying with me for four whole nights after I’d not seen them for a couple of weeks either. Way too much too soon. You’re already expecting you both to act like an old married couple.

I can understand your anxieties but his behaviour isn't causing them. It's not about him, it's about your feelings because of what happened with past boyfriends.

I'm in a new relationship, we've been dating almost 6 months and have only just become friends on Facebook. Don't overthink things.

OP there are big swathes of rural France where reception is shit. If he's rafting or something (you said it was an amazing trip) then he probably just doesn't have much reception.

Seriously people on here do take things to the extreme!! OP you are not over reacting YES you have only been together a month but this is the honey moon period where you are obsessed with each other so i do think its a bit odd he hasnt contacted you in few days. Hopefully there's a simple explanation for it so try to remain positive. When ever i go away with out my partner of 4 years we always send each other messages etc every day and neither of us are possessive with each other and need help! If i didnt hear from my partner in 3 days id be worried sick!

Is it a long-distance relationship? How can he not know where you live??

Sunbeam18 If you RTFT OP said he’s been to hers several times but doesn’t know the address/postcode for a taxi to take him there, which is perfectly plausible.

I know the majority on here are saying it’s silly to expect him to message each day so soon into a relationship but personally I’d be surprised if my OH didn’t get in touch even for one message each day despite it being very early, very early is usually when you’re still crazy about each other and exploring each other and miss speaking to them. So I do think it’s odd he didn’t get in touch at all for a few days.

Not really relevant I know as the bigger issue is what he messaged when he got back in touch and I’m curious to see whether OP updates us on what happened next as it doesn’t sound at all promising.

And now op has started all this and then buggered off....

It all sounds way too unbelievable dramatic and if he was my son I'd be telling him to step back and leave you be until you were ready for a relationship, which you're clearly not at the moment.
I don't think he did anything wrong, but op has projected all her insecurities and angst onto him, I don't think he can do right for doing wrong. One can only imagine the drama as she said goodbye to him....

Such dependency, clinging and anxiety apart from each other so early on is not a good sign.

Sounds to me like he greatly enjoyed the days when he was 'free'...not texting/checking in...that he noticed the contrast when he did. Then a dramatic text which would make him feel suffocated and having to explain himself...when he just wants to have a holiday and some fun for a few days.

Also sounds like he has realised being tied down is more hard work with OP than he thought...something has happened, and he is preparing the ground to let you down in some way.

I would be very cautious going forward with this relationship if I was either of the 2 people in it.

I get that you're angry and I personally agree you have a right to be angry

After a month? FFS

OP - how did it go yesterday when he returned home?

A whole month... I wouldn't have expected any contact at all. I think you need to get some cbt to help control your anxiety. What you are experiencing is not healthy.