Boyfriend on holiday, not been in touch in 3 days. Don't know how to handle it.

[Indianajonesy66]

Feeling like a complete idiot....

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Boyfriend is currently away on holiday and hasn't been in touch in 3 days and I'm now getting very anxious and have no idea how to handle it.

Bit of background:
My ex partner of 2 years randomly ended our relationship by suddenly ghosting me. He literally stopped answering my calls and texts. After a month he reinitiated contact but I chose to walk away as I had seen just how possessive and controlling he had been in our relationship.

During our breakup I went and saw a therapist who helped me a lot. I slowly regained my confidence and I thought I was ok but I do still have some underlying trust issues.

I'm now in a relationship with another guy who has been incredibly sweet, affectionate, loving etc. Our relationship is fairly new but he's left me in no doubt about his feelings. We have lots of future plans made, I've been intro to friends and family etc.

He had the opportunity to go on an amazing 10 day trip to France. Sadly it was too last minute for me to go too but I encouraged him to go because I knew it was too good an opportunity for him to miss it. I knew I was going to struggle with anxiety with him going away but also want him to be able to live his life. He knows about my previous experience with my ex too.

He went away on Wednesday and has apparently had a nightmare with his phone not sending texts etc or even letting him use data so his contact has been sketchy but very sweet and affectionate when he has got in contact. I was coping fine with only hearing from him occasionally, until now....

The last contact I had with him was on Saturday. We chatted for over an hour. He was saying how much he missed me and was making future plans with me. He asked if he could get dropped off at my house when they come back on Saturday and stay with me for a few days and I said yes (but didn't give him my address at that point). He then said his phone battery was only at 2% so he had to go but we'd chat soon.

Later that night I sent him a flirty text wanting to surprise him when he managed to check his messages again.

However nearly 3 days later there's been no contact from him. He's not been online or on facebook at all that I can tell (I can see his last online statuses) and my message still hasn't been delivered to his phone. His relationship status on Facebook still says in a relationship. I was making up all these excuses in my head for why he's not been in touch, like maybe he was having issues charging his phone at the campsite etc.

Then one of the people he's gone away with started a public photo album of their trip. I was relieved as they posted a few pictures of my boyfriend so at least I knew he was ok.

Then this morning one of the girls in the group posted a picture of him standing with her directing an electric fan at him and him smiling at her. A proper electric fan with a cord so he clearly does have access to electricity and could most likely charge his phone.

I've just been left feeling like shit and now have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm so tempted to post a comment on the photo saying something like "nice to see you're still alive" or something like that because I feel so frustrated and angry but deep down I know that will probably just aggravate the situation and make me feel worse. I don't want to be a possessive, horrible girlfriend and I don't expect him to be in touch all the time but do feel hurt that he's not been in touch in so long especially as he knows how my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, just wait for him to get in touch I guess. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and post on the photo because then at least he might give me some closure sooner. I have no idea where I stand anymore or if I'm still going to see him on Saturday. Just so confused.

His phone may be broken or he may have lost it. Your contact details are in his phone therefore he doesn't have any way to contact you. I understand you're worried and a bit upset but hopefully it will be a simple explanation.

Do NOT post a snarky comment on the picture. No good will come of it. Just wait and see what happens on Saturday. Do whatever you can to take your mind off it until then.

You should be like this after a month together.

Being anxious because he is away from you is quite worrying.

You know he is alive and having fun on his holidayn

A month in, he should not be responsive le for acting in particular ways, because of your mental health.

Please get some counselling . Struggling because the guy you’ve been dating for a month is on holiday is NOT healthy.

As Pp said, you are not ready to date yet.

Try not to project your past relationship onto your current. Things can manifest a certain way if you treat them a certain way. Instead of waiting for him to call, call a coaching practise and book yourself some sessions. It would be useful for you to believe in yourself and build up your self confidence. When you do that you will be far less anxious in these situations, which is important, as the stress you are putting on yourself now is not healthy. Especially after such a short time with someone. Even if he has decided he doesn't want to see you anymore, you need to address your issues for the future

This is all a bit needy for someone you've been dating s month and who doesn't even know your address. I think you need to try and take a step back and calm down. You're acting like this is the love of your life and you've been together years. Not some bloke you got with four weeks ago.

I think it sounds like problems with his phone it was last on 2% perhaps he hasn't been able to charge it and is perhaps worrying that you think he has gone cold on you.
Try and chill out take the view that it isn't worth worrying about something you can't change.
If you don't hear from him 2 days after he has come back then knock it on the head other than that get on with your life go out and do something fun do something to talk about when he gets back so it doesn't look like you have just been waiting around for him

You spoke to him for an hour on Saturday. It’s only Tuesday a.m now. That’s not very long. I don’t think I’d even speak to my husband for an hour on a holiday.

To be honest I also think that saying that you’d be fine if you just knew if you were going to see him on Saturday probably isn’t entirely true. He has already asked you if he could come over on Sat yet you appear to be very anxious. I’m sure he will get in touch to get your address before then.

In the nicest way possible, it may be no harm to think about returning to counselling as this anxiety isn’t normal in such a new relationship.

Dont leave a horrible comment or all his friends will take the piss out of him saying you're bunny boiler. He's already explained he's got problems with his data. Just because he's got electricity doesn't mean he has data, does it? Leave him alone to enjoy his holiday. I'm sure you 'll see him soon.

He is not responsible for managing your anxiety. You are.

You did right to post here before posting on facebook, because you need the reality check. Your approach here is not normal. You do need professional help, because you shouldn't be this needy, clingy, or suffocating at all in any relationship - let alone one that is 4 weeks old.

If you start posting passive aggressive remarks on photos, you cross the line into unacceptable behaviour. It's possessive. It's controlling. It's manipulative. It's not okay. That would be a serious red flag, and he should run a mile if you do that.

My advice is to take responsibility for your own issues and insecurities. Seek professional help to work through those. You probably aren't ready for a relationship right now. But if you do stick with it, you need to get a grip on yourself to ensure that you don't project your experience with your last partner onto this guy - it is not his responsibility to heal you, or to compensate for how the last guy treated you. If you can't view him for who he is, without all the projecting from your last relationship, then you shouldn't be with him.

You need to rein it in before he runs for the hills op.

I understand that a previous relationship has left you feeling very vulnerable to being hurt again, but you are expecting too much.

I came on here to vent out my frustrations and have mostly been attacked for being "clingy" and "needy". I haven't been any of those things in the relationship. I've generally been very relaxed, always left it up to him to contact me and encouraged him to go on holiday in the first place! I haven't pestered him while he's away, I've left him alone. I've come on here to try to get a sense of perspective. I understand he's on holiday and is probably having issues with his phone, fair enough. But I do miss him and am finding not hearing from him, when I'm so used to hearing from him, difficult. I also feel it's out of character for him as he's normally incredibly good at keeping in touch. It's very different to how things have been between us and I'm trying to adjust to it.

Huge thank you to those of you that posted words of encouragement and support without being judgemental.

Those of you judging me for being "needy", "clingy" saying you'd run for the hills etc. Please try to be a little more understanding. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship is a very difficult thing to get over. I've worked very hard to become emotionally stronger. I'm still seeing a therapist. I've also been completely honest and upfront with my boyfriend about my past and my insecurities. I'm not ashamed of my past, I'm not ashamed of my insecurities as they are part of me and I think they actually make me a more understanding and compassionate person.

Seeing the photo of him with this girl this morning did upset me. My initial reaction was one of anger and hurt. I still am feeling uncomfortable. But I also accept that he's his own person, with his own life on holiday and at the end of the day what will be will be.

So I will leave him to it and see what happens.

I think you were right to come on here and you have received some really sound advice. If the roles were reversed, could you imagine no t ringing him or texting him for nearly three days? If not, then you may well be over invested . It may be imbalanced In which case it’s a timely reminder to pull away a little . My point about keeping your past private is the number one piece of advice imparted by professionals dealing woth abuse in relationships. The wrong person can and regularly do use it against new partners . I am not suggesting that your friend would do this based on what you’ve typed but he knows that you will be anxious and worried about his lack of contact but at the same time it is not his responsibility to take your anxieties on board.can I ask why you wait for him to contact you first ?

*does

I agree you are overly worried. He is on holiday and has been in touch on Saturday for a whole hour. The picture you saw could have been taken on Saturday for all you know when he did have access to electricity and so on. Too, even electricity doesn’t mean you’ll have a phone signal to send/receive messages. You mentioned a camp site- most people into camping tend to turn off their phones because camping is a hobby that most people who like it, like the remoteness and ability to truly unplug from the world for a few days. I understand you’ve been hurt by your ex, but you don’t want to punish your new bf by being controlling and needy. You are both adults, he shouldn’t have to check in with you while on holiday to prove he still cares. Just relax and look forward to Saturday.

If he wanted to contact you he could. He has electricity and even if he didn't have data he could ring you. Or use someone else's phone to send you a text.

He's choosing not to contact you

That's not a bad thing necessarily but you have had past difficulties @Indianajonesy66 of being ghosted by a man which has made you keenly aware of what this man could be doing

I don't think he's ghosting you. I do think he's being thoughtless as he does know what you've been through

However it's only been a month since you stated to date, and bear in mind he may not have received the flirty text from you

If I were you and I hadn't heard from him in a further 48 hours I would make sure that I was busy on Saturday. I wouldn't sit around waiting for a man who couldn't send a text in 5 days.

I wouldn't be nasty or upset. I simply wouldn't be available for him to spend a few days at my place after his holiday

To me that 'waiting around when he's not contacted you' - THAT is clingy

Hi OP. I totally get where you’re coming from and I know I’d feel exactly the same way if I were you. I had an ex that ghosted me for no reason...things were fine one minute and then, nothing. The next I saw of him was when a friend of mine sent me a pic of him with his new girlfriend at a party she was at.

That sticks with you. The fear of it happening again and the lack of control you have over it. You feel constantly in limbo and drive yourself nuts checking your phone every 2 mins. Whilst also thinking of a million different scenarios in your head.

I’m sure that if everything was fine when you last spoke and he was missing you and making future plans, then all will be fine. I do understand how it feels to be the one sat waiting for contact though.
Try and keep busy and definitely don’t write anything on someone else’s Facebook...it’d probably embarrass him and you’d feel worse.
Hope it all works out ok x

Don't send a bitchy text. He's been in touch a few times, just leave it.

This is exactly the thing that's niggling me. If he wanted to contact me he would find a way. He'd borrow someone else's phone or something. In my eyes he's specifically choosing not to and that's what is making me anxious. But equally it doesn't appear he's contacting anyone else either as he's not been online.

Maybe he's avoiding someone else.
Maybe he's avoiding me because being away has made him change his mind.
Maybe he's just trying to relax and enjoy his holiday.
At the end of the day I don't know what's going on and it is out of my hands.

I really do think you're over-thinking it and transferring your previous experience to now.

I know it's difficult but please try not to as it will only sabotage your relationship. Try not to worry and focus on other stuff.

He called you and spoke for a long time. He arranged to see you on Saturday when he returns. He knows he is going to see you and when, in his mind he has made arrangements to see you and he can relax on his holiday knowing that all is well.

You need to stop worrying about this, and just be near your phone in case he decides to give you a call, but don't be surprised if he doesn't call until he is near the end of his holiday or on the way back so that he can arrange to meet you or get your address.

You are torturing yourself needlessly.

How do you know he has not been on line? Does he have a last seen notification on his phone? Has he been on messenger ? Asking as I don’t know how it works. Can you really track peoples sm and texting
Use like that?

I don't think you're being clingy OP I think his behaviour is off and like you I'd be wondering why. Don't contact him again just wait and see. If it went another 24 hours I'd be seriously reconsidering whether I wanted to continue a relationship with him. He's being inconsiderate IMO. I've been ghosted too and it's awful.

It is ridiculous to get wound up abut a photo that has a girl in it. To feel anger and hurt over this is really OTT. You barely know him and have been seeing him a month so you should not be feeling like this. I appreciate it's hard because of your past r/ship, but I think you just are not ready for another relationship yet.

I agree you don't know where this is going to go. He could be having a rethink about wanting a relationship with you, or OTOH he could be putting his all into having a fun holiday with friends because he's coming back to a relationship with you. Or something in between. But worrying about it is not going to make a blind bit of difference.

Just chill and get on with something else until he comes back.

Go out and do something! Stop worrying about him. Once I dated a guy for 6 months and he left for summer break. We were in touch a bit and then not for 3 days. I didn’t really think about it as I was busy. Then my friend and her brother invited me to their country house w a pool so I went along. I had to transfer my calls to the house phone as my phone was about to die. And went swimming. After 3 days no contact that was when my bf decided to call me and he got a surprise when my friends brother answered (bc phone was directed to house phone). I wasn’t trying to make him jealous or anything. It was just by chance. Anyway, the sister came out to tell me he called. I was in the pool having fun so I was like okay. I will call him later. I returned to the house about an hour or so after I was done swimming and hanging out. Called him back. Had a little chat to explain I was at my friends country house and diverted calls bc phone was about to die. After that day he called me every single day for the rest of his holiday. Haha. Just goes to show when they start to forget you or take you for granted etc. They can just as easily quickly remember you.

His WhatsApp and messenger both show his last seen. My flirty messenger message hasn't been delivered so I know he's not been online. He's not blocked me and still has his relationship status set to "in a relationship". Maybe I've got nothing to worry about but I do feel he'd be in touch if he wanted to be.

Saturday is bugging me because I don't know any details. He just said they'll be driving back through my town so he'll get them to drop him off. I don't know timings or anything.

We're also supposed to be going away for 4 nights together week after next. Im really excited and was about to book my train fares as they're cheap (I'm meeting him there) but I feel like I need to wait and see what happens now.