Boyfriend on holiday, not been in touch in 3 days. Don't know how to handle it.

[Indianajonesy66]

Feeling like a complete idiot....

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Boyfriend is currently away on holiday and hasn't been in touch in 3 days and I'm now getting very anxious and have no idea how to handle it.

Bit of background:
My ex partner of 2 years randomly ended our relationship by suddenly ghosting me. He literally stopped answering my calls and texts. After a month he reinitiated contact but I chose to walk away as I had seen just how possessive and controlling he had been in our relationship.

During our breakup I went and saw a therapist who helped me a lot. I slowly regained my confidence and I thought I was ok but I do still have some underlying trust issues.

I'm now in a relationship with another guy who has been incredibly sweet, affectionate, loving etc. Our relationship is fairly new but he's left me in no doubt about his feelings. We have lots of future plans made, I've been intro to friends and family etc.

He had the opportunity to go on an amazing 10 day trip to France. Sadly it was too last minute for me to go too but I encouraged him to go because I knew it was too good an opportunity for him to miss it. I knew I was going to struggle with anxiety with him going away but also want him to be able to live his life. He knows about my previous experience with my ex too.

He went away on Wednesday and has apparently had a nightmare with his phone not sending texts etc or even letting him use data so his contact has been sketchy but very sweet and affectionate when he has got in contact. I was coping fine with only hearing from him occasionally, until now....

The last contact I had with him was on Saturday. We chatted for over an hour. He was saying how much he missed me and was making future plans with me. He asked if he could get dropped off at my house when they come back on Saturday and stay with me for a few days and I said yes (but didn't give him my address at that point). He then said his phone battery was only at 2% so he had to go but we'd chat soon.

Later that night I sent him a flirty text wanting to surprise him when he managed to check his messages again.

However nearly 3 days later there's been no contact from him. He's not been online or on facebook at all that I can tell (I can see his last online statuses) and my message still hasn't been delivered to his phone. His relationship status on Facebook still says in a relationship. I was making up all these excuses in my head for why he's not been in touch, like maybe he was having issues charging his phone at the campsite etc.

Then one of the people he's gone away with started a public photo album of their trip. I was relieved as they posted a few pictures of my boyfriend so at least I knew he was ok.

Then this morning one of the girls in the group posted a picture of him standing with her directing an electric fan at him and him smiling at her. A proper electric fan with a cord so he clearly does have access to electricity and could most likely charge his phone.

I've just been left feeling like shit and now have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm so tempted to post a comment on the photo saying something like "nice to see you're still alive" or something like that because I feel so frustrated and angry but deep down I know that will probably just aggravate the situation and make me feel worse. I don't want to be a possessive, horrible girlfriend and I don't expect him to be in touch all the time but do feel hurt that he's not been in touch in so long especially as he knows how my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, just wait for him to get in touch I guess. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and post on the photo because then at least he might give me some closure sooner. I have no idea where I stand anymore or if I'm still going to see him on Saturday. Just so confused.

I haven't been chasing him or messaging him constantly. I'm not acting towards him in a possessive way. It's just all in my head and I just wanted some reassurance.

You are not entitled to updates from this man. This is clearly a new relationship and he doesn’t have any need to be on the phone to you all the time. He is on holiday. He is relaxing. Your past experience is nothing to do with him.

A month? Right. Seriously, calm down. Steady on with the future plans etc and try to just take the relationship a day at a time.

It's not 3 days. You were in touch on Saturday, so communication on Sunday or Monday. It is only early on Tuesday and you are champing at the bit!

You need to speak to a professional, like seriously!

If there was one thing I’d advise to victims of abuse from ex partners who post in here, is NEVER. To tell new boyfriend/ girlfriend that they have been abused until they are well settled into a relationship. In your case op, I say this as your boyfriend knows your fears and vulnerabilities , so you are immediately thinking that this situation is worse than it actually is because you have such anxiety. If you have been a couple who text/ or talk all day long well I can see why you would be wondering what’s going on. If you are just dipping in and out of conversation and meeting once a week , I would t be concerned . Your previous contact would determine expectations in my view .

I mean, by MN standards, me and DF talk far too much - we text most of the time that we're apart (although not when either of us is busy at work, or talking to a friend, or whatever. We're not rude!).

But he's a very new boyfriend, he talked to you on Saturday for an hour, was reassuring and making plans with you... and you're annoyed essentially because you've seen a photo of him with another woman?

He's on holiday. He has contacted you. He hasn't ghosted you. He wants to see you on the day that he gets back. It's not up in the air at all, there's nothing to be anxious about here.

Are you still seeing the therapist? Could you get another couple of appointments so you can work through this, and it doesn't affect your new relationship? You don't want to inadvertently push him away, or to make yourself really miserable by worrying constantly when he's not in contact.

Don't comment on the photos unless they are a mutual friend and you know them well.

I think your first thought was correct, you're not really ready for a relationship.

You should probably spend some time working on yourself and getting your confidence back before you try dating again.

To feel this insecure 4 weeks in really isn't natural.

You sound like a crazy stalker. Checking if he’s been online and seeing if he’s been on other social media is crossing a line, as is looking at his friends’ photo albums on Facebook. Even if they are public, it’s weird. I wouldn’t look at my husband’s friends’ Facebook albums because y’know....it’s weird.

All this after a month? Making future plans? After a MONTH?? Are you very young? Because honestly, if I were him I would be running very fast in the opposite direction.

They use those forrin plugs in France. If he hasn't got an adaptor, he can't use his charger. Or maybe he lost his phone. Or whatever.

You are being ridiculous.

I mean the ' no' communication on Sunday or Monday!
It's just all in my head and I just wanted some reassurance
Who from? Him? Give over, you spoke to him the other day and he said he will see you Saturday. That sounds reasonable.
Or reassurance from MN? You are a month into a relationship for goodness sake! He's on holiday. He's need in touch! Get on with your life and see your friends this week, go out with them, be normal!

Sorry but you're being ridiculous. Don't post the message on FB.

It sounds like he's had a similar problem to us, couldn't use the kids phones at all in France and couldn't sort it whilst away. Do you have an email address or the number of a friend of his?

OP with the best will in the world, you really need to give your head a wobble.

I get it, I really do. It's so hard not to drag our history with us into new relationships. I've been there (cheated on by exH who regularly never came home from nights out then ghosted after two years by first boyfriend after marriage). Met now DP and spent the first 6 months freaking out over every less than effusive text or couple of hours silence. I was the opposite of you though, instead of being clingy I would pull back/blank him as a form of self-preservation. Then after a few drinks I would accuse him of not wanting/loving me enough. I almost destroyed our otherwise fantastic relationship and connection.

I stopped binge drinking and got myself into therapy and learnt how to train my brain to leave my past in the past and to allow myself to trust this amazing person who hadn't done one single thing deserving of suspicion or negativity.

We're 1.5 years down the line now and very very happy with no more fights/drama. I feel loved and secure and totally trust DP.

If you behave as you are OP you will push him away. There is no reason why he should put up with any sort of clingy/mistrusting behaviour especially after just 4 weeks. He doesn't need or deserve that shit.

Stop messaging him and don't comment on Facebook

It's only been 4 weeks - you don't even know each other yet

Get busy with your life and see him when he gets back

And maybe talk to someone about your anxiety or you're going to project onto him (and what sounds like a promising start) all the damage from your past relationship

Just pointing out a few things here - youve only dated him a month, he doesnt even know where you live and yet he's been clear about his 'feelings' for you. A month!? What feelings?! Lol. You really shouldn't be that close already.

Considering you've already been in am abusive relationship, I would google 'love bombing' and 'future faking' and ask if youve seen this from him? They may be the reason for your slightly over the top attachment so early on. Or you could have some codependency issues to work through still.

Tbf I do still do the crazy stalker social media checking and this is why I am on a waiting list for more counselling. Relationships can bring up trauma for people especially if they were in a traumatic experience before. I had ptsd and had treatment but the new relationship does bring up anxiety. I’m working really hard to remain level headed and often whatever it is works itself out without me doing anything impulsive.
I take a lot from this page and it really helps to put things into perspective talking it through with other people but ONLY if you’re prepared to listen and take advice.
A month in and I wouldn’t even know if we were exclusive or not. There’s no way I’d be in regular contact from holiday at that stage let alone talking on the phone for a whole hour!

You’ve come on here to vent and I suggest you also use this space to listen and learn and try something new.
If he’s an abusive arsehole y soon find out. Meanwhile, he’s making all the right signs. Now it’s time for you to practice responding appropriately to him and his current situation.

OP he called you for a hour! DH just texts sporadically when he’s away.
You are reading way too much into this and although you’re not being possessive with him, you are being possessive. You need to calm down a little and take a step back like you said.

Saturday until Tues morning for a relationship this new is fine!! I really hope you relax a bit. You need to be happy in yourself first before you out all of this on a new man.

Op, i hope you are accepting that to not be in contact for 3 days is completly reasonable behaviour from your bf. Especially as he has had phone issues.

Try to think or do something to distract yourself whenever you feel anxious about it. What your previous bf did to you was really, really shitty. But dont judge your new guy by his behaviour. Your new bf sounds sweet and into you. Good luck x

If you posted that comment on the photo that's a sure way of putting a red flag to your boyfriend. You are way overacting and being possessive. If he saw all this he would be out the door. Let him be. No update on FB etc means he's not on his phone and having fun. Which is what being on holiday is about. So what if his mate found time to be online and post photos. Chill the hell out.

Hey lovely. I get how you're feeling. My advice to you is to enjoy spending time with him but take it slowly. Make sure that his words match up with his actions. You've only been seeing each other for a few weeks so you don't know him. He could be just be having issues with his phone but if he really wanted to get in touch, he'd find a way. Or he could be having a lovely time but be really excited to be seeing you and spending time with you on Saturday. Either way, this is still very much a getting to know each other phase. You like him, but if it doesn't work out, it's no big deal. Don't get over invested. I don't know if this applies to you but it applies to me and it's been really helping me to not get over invested in a new relationship 'mr unavailable and the fallback girl's.

I get where you're coming from as I would feel the same way as you.
My previous relationships have all had a very high level of contact - this means I react badly when my new partner doesn't keep in contact. We've been together 18mths and I still panic about what he's up to or who he's talking to when he's online but not with me (I don't share this panic with him obviously).
Like you, my last ex ghosted me - he got me pregnant and then disappeared off the face of the earth once he found out. It's hard to trust someone after someone does something like that after a couple of years.

I'd struggle not to make that snide comment on that girl's picture but it's best to just leave it alone. It is all very new and you don't want him to think you're too much hard work.
In my opinion it takes a few seconds to let you know he's still alive and that's all you want to know, you're not trying to control him or kill his fun like a lot of folks on here are implying.
My partner went off alone on holiday 2 months after we met and he managed to keep in touch at least once a day when he had signal.

I personally don't think it's clingy to miss him and want contact with him.

A month in, yes it is clingy. Miss him by all means, but stressing because he hasn’t been in touch is too much. Do you have anything else going on in your life?

If he is abroad there is a good chance the problem is access to data. I was on a work trip to France for 3 days and wasn’t able to text home, except the one time I managed to get a WIFI spot. Let him enjoy his trip, you’ll see him when he gets back.

If you comment on the photo, and have a go at him when he does get in touch, that’s the surest way to end the relationship.

Try and distract yourself. I also don’t think he’s done anything wrong. This is a very new relationship. When he said you’d talk soon, he’s right. He will be talking to you as soon as he gets back.