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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH texting female friend again

280 replies

Pachonga · 29/07/2019 19:04

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pachonga · 18/08/2019 20:30

I’m sincerely hoping it will fizzle out again like it did last time

OP posts:
ChippyPickledEggs · 18/08/2019 20:41

Yeah I hear that, Pachonga and you know what? It may well do. It may well follow the same dynamic as last time.

But what does that leave you with? A partner who knows that he is basically free to have affairs right under your nose as long as he doesn't leave. Is that the kind of relationship you want? Is that going to make you happy? You're going to destroy any respect you have for yourself Sad

wasnotwasweregood · 18/08/2019 21:09

Does he understand that this is hurting you @Pachonga? Doesn't that bother him? Has this effected your respect for him?
I hope you stay together if that's what you want - but please look after yourself now.

Tooner · 18/08/2019 21:14

God this is so sad. How awful that he has said he loves her. He doesn't deserve you or your patience in dealing with this. He is being so disrespectful to you, to your marriage. I wouldn't want to stay with him after hearing that no matter how much I loved the man.

Dieu · 18/08/2019 21:15

I have a male friend from high school. He got in touch a few years back and we would chat away on Messenger. He is married, I'm single. His messages got completely inappropriate (sexual) and I ended contact because it was unfair on his wife. We are now in contact again, but on a much more infrequent basis, and on the condition that he behaves himself. So far, so good.
Question the break, OP. Why did they have one ... is it because one of them was taking things too far?
To be honest, the whole thing would have my eyebrows raised. I'd say they're veering into emotional affair territory, if not already there.
I hope I'm wrong and that you're ok.

Dieu · 18/08/2019 21:16

Sorry, I hadn't read the update when I posted. Hugs Thanks

Original poster
Pachonga · 18/08/2019 21:18

I know how pathetic I sound but I don’t really think you can actually love someone you have only met once (or even a few times) no matter how often you text each other

OP posts:
wasnotwasweregood · 18/08/2019 21:22

I don't think you sound pathetic OP, I think you sound hurt and I'm really cross on your behalf. I agree with you that you can't love someone you've only met a handful of times - it's not real - but his behaviour is entitled CFery of the highest order.

Honestly how would he be if you did this?

Original poster
Pachonga · 18/08/2019 21:47

I wrote a post but can’t see it. Won’t write it all out again but basically I said he is in love with an online persona someone has created for themselves and that he has also created in her head. I firmly believe this is a form of escapism for him and I would rather he was having this sort of affair than a physical one with a real person.

Though I did ask him what she was like when they met and he said “even more adorable in real life” which he apologised for after as he saw how much that upset me

OP posts:
Original poster
Pachonga · 18/08/2019 21:48

Sorry I’ve had a couple of wines.

OP posts:
Croquembou · 18/08/2019 21:51

Though I did ask him what she was like when they met and he said “even more adorable in real life” which he apologised for after as he saw how much that upset me

What an absolute prick.

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 18/08/2019 22:01

I know how pathetic I sound but I don’t really think you can actually love someone you have only met once (or even a few times) no matter how often you text each other

I hate to say this but it can and it does happen. My marriage is proof of that.

I met DH online, we were friends for a year constantly exchanging messages. Nothing important or flirty. We had never met in person. Feelings developed and we started a long distant relationship. For a year we were apart. We were in a relationship but we still hadn't met in person. I moved to his country and we eventually got married.

Don't underestimate the power of texting or the fact she is not around.

If he doesn't want to leave you then i would be giving him an ultimatum. You or her. This ends now and he needs block her everywhere. Social media and phone number.

choosingchilli · 18/08/2019 22:42

Though I did ask him what she was like when they met and he said “even more adorable in real life” which he apologised for after as he saw how much that upset me

What an utterly cruel thing to say. I'm sorry op, I'm speechless and I really hope you, at some point in the near future, see that you are worth so much more then this.

Everafter1 · 19/08/2019 00:21

Although he loves you, he loves her & doesn't know how to end it with her.
He says she's even more adorable in real life!

Okay, what on earth?! This is a horrible way to treat your wife. I have no words. He's speaking to you about it as if you're a friend!

OP you don't sound pathetic, you sound worn down into accepting. He's normalised this far too much.

They might have only met once (& kissed) but they've been developing a relationship ever since. He's in it so deep he doesn't know how to end it! If he loves you & wants to be with you he should treat you with more respect, block her out his life immediately.

I hope you find some strength to deal with this in a way where you're not just being with him at all costs.

Ilovelala · 19/08/2019 00:59

I never comment on these sort of threads but I had to on this occasion because my mouth is on the floor and I really really for you. Please find your anger with him and realise you deserve SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 19/08/2019 01:03

He's having an emotional affair.

I was in one for a long time.

PhilCornwall1 · 19/08/2019 01:28

@Pachonga I've been reading this thread from the beginning and wouldn't usually comment, but I can't believe what I am reading about your husband (and I am one).

If I was you, I'd be bailing out to be honest and I don't say that lightly. I know if I was doing this and saying these things, my marriage would have been over by now.

He is showing you zero respect and is banking on the fact you won't leave. You are worth so much more than this. Show him how wrong he is and start things in motion to end the relationship.

Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. I can tell you now, it will scare him to death.

I was given an ultimatum by my wife (nothing to do with cheating, but burying my head in the sand over my health) and I could see how serious she was, it was a total "oh shit!" moment.

I guess in short what I am saying is, take complete control, make it visible, but say very little, that scares men, I kid you not.

MsDogLady · 19/08/2019 05:11

Pachonga, your H is treating you with appalling disregard and disrespect. It is very sad that you are willing to settle for so little by tolerating his infidelity and accommodating the OW.

He pays lip service that you are his priority, but his actions belie that. He has physically cheated with OW, loves her, and is driven to be in her presence. He has emotionally abandoned and devalued you. ”She is even more adorable in real life.” How unspeakably cruel.

You believe that this OW is a safe bet because she lives afar. Minimize and downplay at your own peril. Every emotion, thought, laugh and memory that they share creates more distance between you. He is already checking out. You deserve so much more.

With his acknowledgment that he loves this adorable woman, I would demand that he cut contact completely. Be proactive and tell him that he ends it with her or you will end it with him.

NoCauseRebel · 19/08/2019 05:47

When I started reading this it reminded me of a friend I have. We were in touch a lot partly because he was the only person I knew in the area we moved to because of now eXH’s job. But nothing inappropriate ever happened between us, however after my divorce we stopped talking predominantly because our lives moved in different directions. We are now back in touch and this does actually make me happy. However we are friends and that is all.

In your dh’s case though he has admitted to having feelings for this woman, has admitted that they’ve interacted physically and has essentially said that he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Are you happy to stay in a marriage where you have essentially been told that you are one of two women in his life? Because that’s what you’ve agreed to. He’s not going to stop contact with her, And because you’ve said you want to stay married to him you’re facilitating their relationship.

I’m actually not a believer in ultimatums because IMO people should choose certain paths because they want to, not because they feel they have to, iyswim. If your DH wants to be married to you, then he should want to stop contact with this woman because he values his marriage. He should want that of his own accord, not because he’s being told to choose.

As such I would tell him that the marriage is over as you know that he’s in love with someone else. If he considers your marriage to be worth fighting for then he will end this affair because he wants to be with you. If not then you can rebuild your life without him. What’s that saying? If you love something let it go. if it comes back to you then it’s yours. If not it was never meant to be.

I suspect that he doesn’t want to leave you because an actual relationship with this woman isn’t on the cards. Yes they’ve met and had physical interaction, but being together would mean one of them uprooting, and I imagine that neither of them feels in a position to do that. It’s very easy to carry on something when you don’t have to follow it through. He likely knows that if he ended the marriage with you she would run for the hills and he would be left without either of you.

seahorse85 · 19/08/2019 06:16

OP I don't think any of these posts will change your mind. I genuinely believe that you must have such a low opinion of yourself that you feel this is the best you can get.

In settling for this, you are really allowing him to continue. I'd put money on him panicking if you were to set wheels in motion to leave. He has it made doesn't he - a comfortable wife and family situation, and titillation on the side.

"Even more Adorable" - this is arrogant and unbelievably cruel.

OP what would you say to a friend in your position- or your grown up daughter?!

Orlandointhewilderness · 19/08/2019 10:16

He is seriously taking the complete piss out of you. He is doing this in front of your face FFS! C'mon OP, this isn't good enough.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 19/08/2019 10:22

I suspect that he doesn’t want to leave you because an actual relationship with this woman isn’t on the cards. Yes they’ve met and had physical interaction, but being together would mean one of them uprooting, and I imagine that neither of them feels in a position to do that. It’s very easy to carry on something when you don’t have to follow it through. He likely knows that if he ended the marriage with you she would run for the hills and he would be left without either of you.

This is how I felt in an EA.

The only thing I will add is that the EA resumed many times over the years before it eventually ended, I had emotionally checked out of my relationship with DH and stayed for the children only. There is a lot wrong with my relationship with DH. If there wasn’t, I would have not have prolonged the contact.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/08/2019 11:09

I know when you've been married for a long time it's easy to slip into a brother and sister relationship and this sounds like your marriage. He's that brotherly that he feels he can tell you how adorable the OW is. You need to make him wake up and stop acting so irresponsibly and cruelly by cutting ALL contact with this woman, it's the only way. Then, the two of you can work on your marriage. Counselling is probably needed for both of you, for you to help raise your self esteem and for him to stop being a prick start respecting you.

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/08/2019 12:05

Sure, all couples have their ups and downs OP but "even more adorable in real life"?! What a horrid thing to say to you about someone you're already insecure about (especially when he knows it's for good reason, just doesn't realise you've uncovered the lie).

I do know couples who have "gotten through" similar but the hurt party has never really been properly happy again, just stayed together.

My concerns would of course be the kiss, him omitting to tell you about the kiss but more than anything him making out you're mental for thinking something when he knows it's true.

My ex did this to me to my face so many times I apologised repeatedly for being "mental" when every time I was correct and he was lying.

The more he lied, the more paranoid I got, so he more obsessive I've got, the more that pushed him away so he would behave badly again, and round and round and round we went for a few years until I finally saw the light.

To this day I'm sure lots of people think we split because I had 'irrational' jealousy, I'm a 'bunny boiler' etc. But I know it's not true now and that's enough for me.

waterrat · 19/08/2019 12:49

This is really sad op your confidence is taking a beating and you sound very down on yourself.

You are in shock and need to process things. Could you find a counsellor?

He is behaving appallingly and you have to be realistic - you can't just let this carry on. You want to because you are scared of losing him but you will be driven insane by his cheating his cruelty (even more adorable..wtf????) and the fact that he is clearly infatuated and doesn't think this means he has a problem

You can't live day to day tolerating this just to save your marriage. If your marriage is worth saving then you have to be honest about your feelings and put yourself first.

Please don't give up on self respect op. Do what you need to do to get it back.