DH texting female friend again

[Pachonga]

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

'Even more adorable'???????????? Do you have daughters OP, would you not want to kill a man who treated them this thoughtlessly?? He may be glamorous but he is unkind and that is UGLY. Please start thinking about an independent life. You are worth so much more than this. Don't hang around because a.he will find a way to be with her (yes you CAN fall in love over texts. He has.) Or he will do this with a local woman. He will leave. Leave him first, knowing you took control, because you are worth more than this vain entitled manchild.

@Fizzysours absolutely spot on👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

OP

If she was closer to him or he was closer to her, would he leave you? Is he staying because he wants someone there? Is he thinking about her when he is with you? If the situation changes e.g. she moves, Will he still say you’re his ‘priority’?

I’m so sorry op. I don’t mean to be unkind, but he has fallen for another woman. The fact they are so distant makes the fantasy all the more sweet and her all the more perfect. He is staying for now, because where else would he currently go?

It is literally one of the cruellest things I’ve heard any husband do to their wife. So what if he’s handsome and charming? I’d take kind, loyal and ugly over him any day of the week.

You will never be at peace with this. Your trust is destroyed. He will continue to hurt you.

You deserve so much better as everyone has already said. I’m worried though that you just aren’t seeing your own self worth here though. Especially the way you see yourself compared to him.

What a total and utter wanker he is.

I’m reading all your replies and I can’t say I disagree with anything you’re saying.

We have 4 kids, two at university and two coming up to that age. If I did ask him to leave, it would be them who suffered because I don’t think we have the income to support two households- this one and the one that he would move into, even if it was modest. We have a good income but need every penny right now. I will not have the kids missing out because their dad is a prick, I simply won’t.

This might sound a bit leftfield but do you think it would be worth me contacting her and asking her to stop replying to DH?

Is she married OP?

I think I’d get a cold reality shock if somebody contacted me to ask me to stop contacting their husband. It would make it very real.

Undoubtedly she will tell your husband. How would he react?

I don’t know if you should if not but I understand the desperation that is causing you to think about it. x

Yes, she is married. DH has told me that and also I have seen references to her husband on social media (yes, I’ve looked at her accounts, her twitter is open, Facebook and IG private)

I am less daunted about talking to her about it than I am DH, which I suppose says a lot about where I am with DH right now.

Please don't get in touch with her....

I won’t, I don’t have the balls to.

I contacted my dh ow asking her to cut contact as it was causing problems in our marriage unfortunately he had already fed her the script that I was controlling mental etc so any examples that I gave her of why I thought he was being inappropriate she didn’t believe. However they haven’t kissed so it may be worth a try

Does she have children?

Basically how much has she to lose if her husband found out? Perhaps nothing as they could be on the rocks or perhaps your DH is an amusement only for her and means nothing.

Can you screenshot conversations so she knows you have ‘proof’ and she can’t bluff the inappropriateness of their conversations?

Would her knowing you have evidence (without you making any threats) be enough to make her see what she could lose herself? Or is this verging on blackmail.

I think you have to fast forward to the aftermath of this action and think what life will be like for you?

He could decide/threaten to leave and your children will suffer which is your reason for not giving him an ultimatum now.

Good.

I guess in short what I am saying is, take complete control, make it visible, but say very little, that scares men, I kid you not.*

THIS
I had a friend do this.
Panic?
She had him exactly when she wanted him by saying 'nothing

Then she laid the law down.

Putty in her hands.

Another friend 'fell in love" on line
Even met a few times.

Convinced he leave his dw for her.
But when dw found out he realised what he would loose.

When you are ready you will laid the law down.

When you really mean it he will 'pooh' his pants.

He does not love her
None of this is real.

And I can guarantee her marriage is in trouble.
If she has the time text all the time she must be pretty bored.

He CANNOT have his cake and it.

I don’t think she works and she lives in a different time zone, so she is texting him in the daytime when she’s free and he’s at home with us. But actually, I don’t care about her, her marriage or how she has the time to text DH, I just want it to stop. He stopped it before when it became too much so am hoping that will happen again.

I can’t do much whilst we are still on holiday so am going to wait until we get home and see what happens then. He hasn’t messaged her at all since we have been away.

I wouldn't usually advocate game playing at all. And I'm worried what I'm about to say may fall into that category. BUT... if you don't want to leave then you can still check out.

Withdraw mentally. See your friends. Enjoy your kids. Do not make him your focus or let him take up your headspace.

Either he'll shit himself and come running back effort wise (which I don't think he deserves because he sounds like a dick) OR you'll realise there's life after being with him and then be able to actually leave.

It's like that -usually horribly sexist- saying "dress for the job you want" - I say "live the life you want" in this situation! Him being there is incidental.

If he doesn't fight to salvage things there's no going back anyway, but in the meantime you can gain your confidence and draw strength from other sources until you're ready.

Good luck OP

Just to clarify I mean don't argue / fight / shout / ignore him when you're angry. He isn't listening or taking anything on board, he's shown you he won't do that. So channel that anger into positive experiences that do not involve him. Check out in your own head.

It's amazing how you can sob your heart out to them and they don't listen but if you breezily mention you're going out with some friends tomorrow night they're suddenly all ears.

And this isn't a game play (I don't think you should want him back at all!), it's about using the purgatory time between now and you (hopefully!) leaving to get you in a headspace where life doesn't revolve around him.

Thank you @ThatCurlyGirl for that great advice. I feel like I have the beginnings of a plan now

That's so great to hear

I did it once. Except for sex (which NOBODY got during this time including me) I acted as a single person would, respectfully informing him of plans that affected him e.g. he needs to be in with the doggos Saturday because I'm out.

Other than this, I ran my own life the way I saw fit. You'll be surprised how quickly you'll realise he desperately doesn't want to leave, he just isn't willing to take on the responsibility of family life. And thinks he can get away with it.

YOU'VE GOT THIS!

Keep planning and doing things that make you happy. Keep posting on here too if it's helping, we're here for you

Anthem for me for this time was Taylor Swift - I did something bad.

So after a lovely holiday in which DH didn’t text OW once and some good talks with DH (which were at times less lovely, but at least we talked) and a good plan in place in my head, we got back home today and he’s started up with her right away. I noticed him texting then checking his phone so I looked at it when he went round to a neighbour to collect some post. He had messaged her saying how he is so glad to be back and he missed her and asked what she was doing tomorrow

As far as I know, she isn’t in the country and her social media is giving nothing away about her whereabouts so perhaps just a general enquiry like people do but it’s a bit specific. Anyway, she hasn’t replied yet. I’m back at work in the morning but DH is off so I am worried he is planning to meet her.

I hate living like this. Hate it.

Oh OP I’m so sorry... he really is having his cake and eating it.. you’re right, you can’t carry in like this. His relationship with this woman might not be physical, but it’s sure as tell emotional.

Please don’t make him a priority if he isn’t making you one! Also don’t stay for financial reasons - and remember, this is HIS doings, NOT yours

You need to emotionally detach from him.

Live your life.
Spend time with your parents/siblings and any friends you have.

If you think you look frumpy... do something about it for yourself not as a means to get his attention.

He's far gone with her and his comment about her being more adorable when they met is unbelievably cruel. I can't really see that he has romantic love left for you.

He knows you aren't going to leave him... you can stay where you are and still live a separate life if leaving isn't an option.... but you need your confidence and self esteem to go up.

Do something different for yourself...a need hairstyle...some highlights...pamper treatments...a weekend away.

Become someone others want to be around. Exercise helps to feel better and releases endorphins.

Right now...it seems you're coasting along in life, rather than living your life.

Op. For FUCKS SAKE. THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE YOU

DH does love me, I know he does. He is just enjoying the attention of another woman. If actually presented with said woman in real life now, I am not sure what he would do. Maybe run a mile.

I suppose I am putting up with this because I can handle long-distance texting, I would just like there to be a lot less of it at evenings and weekends

He's not enjoying the attention of another woman; he's having an emotional affair.

And it's not even strictly strictly emotional because you know they kissed when they met before, and if they meet again sometime it seems rather likely they would have as much of more physical contact .. because they did that when they were virtual strangers, whereas now they've had lots of time building up familiarity and connection with each other (even if it is at a physical distance).

Let's call it was it is - an emotional affair, that he's having right under your nose and doesn't even try very hard to hide - because he's so complacent, disrespectful, arrogant, selfish, lacking in empathy etc etc

How would he react if you did this to him?