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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH texting female friend again

280 replies

Pachonga · 29/07/2019 19:04

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

OP posts:
wasnotwasweregood · 09/08/2019 21:01

Well OP, if he's decided your relationship is now open, and you've decided that that's not a deal breaker for you, make sure you aren't missing out on any 'special friendships' and 'magical kisses' of your own won't you?
After all if you approve of yourself and how you look it's highly likely that others do too!
You seem to have talked yourself into a place where because he's seems to be ageing well enough (so far) it's almost inevitable this will happen, but really he could be ageing better than Dorian Grey and it still wouldn't entitle him to behave like a git.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 09/08/2019 21:26

Okay, OP...after reading your latest updates, I'm changing my stance. I strongly defended his right to have friends....but I don't defend his decision to keep in close contact with someone where there has actually been an act of infidelity in the past. That changes things completely, and puts his strong defence of his right to have friends in a new light - it actually becomes an act of gaslighting to persuade you that you are the unreasonable one, despite him knowing that he has, indeed, been unfaithful with this woman.

I now think you should have this out with him. Your marriage is at a crisis. He is in close contact with someone he kissed while married to you. You are secretly reading all his messages. The trust is gone. This is not a position that should be allowed to continue. At this point, I would suggest that you need to come clean about what you know, and how you know it, and have this out. Counselling is probably the beat way forward here, to work out what is worth saving from this marriage. You certainly can't continue as you are.

Good luck with that. At last it brings this to a head, one way or another.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 09/08/2019 21:26

*least, not last

G389 · 09/08/2019 21:47

This woman is obviously not getting enough attention from her own ‘wealthy, brilliant ‘ husband. Wonder what he would think of all this?
I’m sorry you are going through this op, I know how it feels - I lost all respect for my exh.

Robin2323 · 09/08/2019 21:53

I'm sure wealthy husband is use to her shenanigans.
Probably got too much time on her hands.
And ops husband won't be the first or last.

Lordamighty · 09/08/2019 22:00

I genuinely don’t know why you are putting up with this OP. Low self esteem, financial, fear of being alone, staying for the kids? Whatever it is you deserve better.

G389 · 09/08/2019 22:07

Op’s husband should be considering his children and op in this scenario. He has a lot at stake for the sake of an ego boost. He doesn’t sound very attractive.

LittleWing80 · 09/08/2019 22:13

OP have you got someone in real life you can confide in? Sister, close friend maybe for moral support and help. Don’t feel you have to put up and shut up for fear of losing him. Good luck 💐 x

Alfiemoon1 · 09/08/2019 23:05

With messages like that and the fact they have kissed I would say that this situation is a threat to your marriage also the fact that he like my dh hasn’t reduced the level of contact but doing it away from you. He doesn’t know you are looking at his messages yet one slip up from you not putting it in the same position or shutting something down right and he soon will which is when he will start deleting the messages if it’s text and you check the phone bill they will switch to WhatsApp or something
I don’t have answers just been going through this for years and they haven’t kissed or sent messages similar to your dh they apart from slagging me off when rowing over this are just chit chat yet despite being so innocent this has caused a lot of problems in my marriage

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/08/2019 23:06

If they met once through work, they can meet again. What do you think would happen? Another magical kiss or more?

Alfiemoon1 · 09/08/2019 23:19

I didn’t take it as well as you did when my dh took the contact to work and not in front of me it felt sneaky what I meant by toning it down was getting it to the level of contact he had with his other friends which as dh isn’t much of a texter or talker wasn’t much so finding zillions of text messages and hour long phone calls to her when I wasn’t around just added fuel to the fire in my situation although to him he had respected my wishes and wasn’t glued to his phone all night in front of me

lovelookslikethis · 10/08/2019 08:06

On every level your husband is failing you.

He is failing to make you feel loved and cherished (he saves those words for someone else) and now this has eroded at your self esteem and sense of value.

He is failing to make you feel comfortable about your age, so now you feel threatened by others.

He is failing to protect your marriage, and putting it at risk

He is failing to recognise the wonderful wife he has in you, because he is allowed to do anything he pleases.

He is failing to be an honest and decent human being, because he is so happy to lie to you.

He has failed in every single way.

But for some reason, you have concluded he can do whatever he pleases, as long as he stays.

Where is your pride op? Your dignity? Your sense of fair play?

If he is going to leave, allowing him three or four years of chasing other women won't stop that, it will simply delay the moment it happens. You can change this, you do have the power to tell him to stop or your marriage is over.

choosingchilli · 10/08/2019 08:46

Because I really do feel those are the options right now.

Why are those the only options in your mind right now though? What about the 3rd option for you to take control of the situation and not put up with any of this?

What would happen if you made the decision you are worth more and you deserve a husband who is present in the marriage with you not passively standing by and allow him to devote all his emotional time and energy in a woman miles away just so that he doesn't have an actual physical affair closer by- what could actually be the worst that could happen? What are you worried about- him leaving? Is that really the worst that could happen, for me having a marriage where my husband is checked out would be a far greater strain mentally Thanks

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 10/08/2019 10:04

This is going to sound harsher than I mean it to sound, but are you really that desperate for a husband that you're willing to put up with being used and humiliated like this? He is pretty much openly cheating on you and hurting you and you think it's better than another type of cheating and hurting?

In my mind, no relationship is worth being degraded and humiliated over.

I'd much rather be on my own with my dignity.

G389 · 10/08/2019 10:27

How are you doing today op? Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/08/2019 12:13

maybe play out a fantasy of having someone else but isn’t actual ‘real’

Except that it sounds like they have developed proper feelings for each other; they are acting like a couple in love. And if they fall in love, none of the reasons that make this seem less real to you are unsurmountable.

Letting him "have" her doesn't mean he stays yours; sadly. You'd just not have a say in it.

Are you okay with this being an open marriage now?

Is it instinct telling you that him being faithful and committed to you won't happen, or do you have reasons to believe that? Has he cheated before? Does he always have fawning women in "reserve"?

Robin2323 · 10/08/2019 13:45

You can't develop proper feelings over texts.
Yes I know it seems like you can but it's all too easy.
In a real relationship with meeting and physically interacting you have to make an effort (Clean your teeth )
You have to think up Witty replies on the spot (not have 10 minutes to think about it )
There is no challenge of real life and therefore is just a fantasy.

That's why most (not all) affairs fail when taken to the next level.

Everafter1 · 10/08/2019 14:14

Yeah Robin, she won't seem all shiny & new if he's lumped with her through default.

Original poster
Pachonga · 18/08/2019 18:51

We’re away on our family holiday and neither of us have looked at our phones much but we have had time to talk.

I won’t repeat the entirety of the conversations but he basically said that although he does love me and wants to continue our marriage, he does love her on some level, knows he has to end it but doesn’t know how. If I am honest, I don’t think he wants to. What he wants is to carry on as we all are, but knows that contacting her all the time is a red line and I believe him when he says I am his priority.

He doesn’t know I have looked at his phone, mainly because I don’t want him to restrict my access to it or delete messages.

I’m going to see how it goes when we get back home.

OP posts:
ChippyPickledEggs · 18/08/2019 19:10

This thread is sad man.

I mean you're entitled to your choices, OP. If you want to "see how it goes" (in other words allow him to carry on even though you know he has been physically unfaithful and he has told you he loves her) it's up to you. It's your life. But ouch. Please believe you're worth more than putting up with this.

IamtheOA · 18/08/2019 19:50

Oooh.

Op- you've given him all your power.

Original poster
Pachonga · 18/08/2019 20:03

I know. But what are my options? I love him and want to stay married to him. I want our lives the be the same. I don’t want the disruption of a split for me or the children. He has told me he is not going to leave me.

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 18/08/2019 20:14

Sorry to see your update. I agree you are worth more than being with someone who loves someone else as well. I know you said he won’t leave you but you have no guarantee of that. How does he not know how to end it he texts her i am married I have crossed boundaries I need to end this then blocks her number or words to that effect

P1218120699 · 18/08/2019 20:19

Reading this made me feel sad for you. You deserve so much more than this. I hope sometime in the near future you have a change if heart and are strong enough to tell him to go. He's having his cake and eating it.

Alfiemoon1 · 18/08/2019 20:23

Google chump lady the cake eater I found it very useful in my situation.