DH texting female friend again

[Pachonga]

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

I’m reminded from Alfie’s comments how exH used to sit in the car on the driveway laughing and chatting for ages on his phone before eventually dragging himself into the house. The kids and I could see him from the kitchen window.

No, he doesn’t know I have seen them. I feel terrible about looking at them in the first place but I just had to know. Then I had to keep on checking.

We’ve been together a very long time and been through a lot (as has everyone, I know). I’ve thought about what to do and I think I am just going to wait and see what happens. He has cut down the communication a lot since I told him how I was making me feel. The kiss was a long time ago (at least two years). I’m hoping it just fizzles out or she gets too clingy again and he stops texting. That’s the plan right now.

But Panchoga do you not feel there are the cliched ‘three people in this marriage’? This is affecting you deeply. It can’t go on.

@Pachonga it won't fizzle out, sorry. There's always the hope, but whilst he may have scaled back the messaging, the intent is still there. And the fact that they kissed two years ago would have had me kicking him out then. Wait and see what happens by all means, but you will suffer for doing so. I know I did for a whole year and wouldn't wish that on anyone.

You know, I did type out “three people in this marriage” and deleted it because I thought it sounded too dramatic.

I’ve mentioned this before but DH is still attractive and women clearly still fancy him. Perhaps I have come to terms with this woman being the “third person” rather than someone who lives nearby and is a real threat to my marriage. And the thought had crossed my mind that DH thinks this too.

If he's kissed her during your marriage you have every right to demand he cut contact with her completely.

I am not saying that's what you should do but it wouldn't be unreasonable.

You could bring it out into the open by admitting you have read the messages as you felt something was up, apologise for doing so but point out that him reminiscing about kissing another woman isn't on.

OP I really feel for you :(.

You need to stop calling this woman a friend, men would play it down and say that but they kissed, whether a long time ago or not, it’s still cheating and there are still emotions there from both parts.

Do you really want to be with someone like that? What next? Online girlfriend? He’s checked out emotionally. It won’t fizzle out and next one could be closer to home especially if he knows you are too scared to leave him.

You are worth love and attention, he might be handsome but he is a cheater let her having him x

Come on, think clearly!

Your husband is having an affair. He has kissed her and is texting her all day.

Please, have some dignity and give him an ultimatum. How can you ignore this? Please work on your self-worth!

I'm so sorry.

I was hoping he was maybe caught up in chatting & would quickly come to his senses & cut her off. I must admit I found it completely disrespectful & a major red flag, still hoped it wasn't quite as bad.

He's cheated & this is an affair. Your suspicions were correct all along & good on you for not ignoring this.

He doesn't have a leg to stand on. His behaviour has triggered your suspicion and caused you to look into it further.

He cannot continue with this and have a relationship with you.

At what point did you decide you were no longer good enough for him op? At what point, in your mind at least, did you decide that pushing meant that you lost your voice in your marriage, that just to keep him you would put up with any amount of deceit and dishonesty?
At what point did he get to be the catch, and you were suddenly not worth being first choice?

I say this to you because this is evolving and deepening between them because you do not have the confidence and even the smallest amount of dignity to ensure it has ended.

Most women would recognise this for what it is, and would have stopped it years ago, and given dh the ultimatum.

At the moment he has you both, her fulfilling some emotional need, sexual attraction maybe something deeper, and he has you at home his wife of many many years. All credit to him, he is playing the game flawlessly. Leaving you both wanting more of him.

He IS having an emotional affair op.
He IS talking about magical kisses.
He IS unable, seemingly to give her up.

Are you going to wait until her leaves you?
Are you going to allow him to continue to hurt you like this?

Are you not worth more than this op?

**Pushing 50

Hang on, do I have the timescale right?
He kissed her, and then they cut contact?

She wasn't clingy. That wasn't why he ( or probably she) dropped contact. Either:

1. she cut contact because, you know, people being married, and he has managed to wrangle back in. He has probably done this by saying how much he has been pining for her.

Or

2. He cut contact because he kissed her, and he felt he crossed a line. In the meantime, he's redrawn his boundaries, and somehow in his head justified the kiss ( and his disloyalty).

Slippery slippery slope.

I'm not sure which is worse, but if his morals/ ethics weren't checked by you saying it upset you, then he has already decided in his head that his behaviour is fine.
Slippery slope indeed.....

real threat to my marriage

She is a real threat to your marriage. He may not be able to go and sleep with her; but he has clear feelings for her. She makes him smile and laugh; they chat about inane rubbish, now they're reflecting on that kiss and getting soppy, and he's doing it from work & the car.

You don't want the only reason that he's not with her to be because she's far away. You deserve more than that.

I would tell him that it's crossed a line and it's decision time, but I'm quite blunt and I couldn't cope with being second best, my ego would kill me. The big risk would be that he chose her.

Although a bit of me wonders whether cutting her off was punishment for getting clingy after the kiss - enquiring about where this left them, maybe? And now he can have his cake and eat it because neither of you will question the presence of the other...

I'm so sorry it's come to this. I wouldn't let him know you've read the messages, he'll just delete them from then on. You are totally justified to look as your gut feeling was correct, he's the one in the wrong here. Have you checked his call record as well?
Do you think you're strong enough to bring up the subject again and ask if it's ever gone further than friendship? At least you'll know if he's prepared to lie to your face. I know you must be scared at the moment but you really must have some self esteem. I'm definitely not advocating going in with guns blazing but this situation needs tackling. Good luck.

As far as I can work out, both from the messages I have seen and what he has said, they have met once and that’s when the kiss must have happened. After that, they developed a texting relationship and became close. After a year or so it fizzled out because (according to him), she was becoming too clingy. They didn’t speak for a year and in the last few months it’s all started up again, via text. I don’t know why or who instigated it.

I’m happy with myself. I have four lovely kids, a good relationship with my mum and siblings and their families, a job I enjoy and a social life and what I genuinely believed was a solid marriage. I do feel a bit dowdy next to DH, he is really rather glamorous and I am not and whilst I am not unhappy with my looks, I do know people who don’t know us both are surprised we are married to each other.

I’ve asked him outright before if his friendship with her had ever gone any further than that and he said no. Maybe he doesn’t consider a kiss cheating? I don’t think I can bring this up again without mentioning I have read their messages which I am not sure I want to do that as he will then delete messages and hide his phone I really don’t want him to do that.

I asked him to cut down on contacting her when he’s home or out with family and he has definitely done that so I’m not sure what else I can ask him to do right now.

Agree. Dont tell him you read the texts, he will just hide, delete and carry on like he is doing now with the texting a lot at work and in the car and less at home

You seemed to have completely accepted this woman being in your husband's life op. The biggest problem you have is your willingness to allow this to continue.

Can I be completely honest with you, it sounds to me like they are falling in love, the volume of texting, the intimacy, the descriptions they use. Are you not alarmed It seems to me like it has gone well beyond an emotional affair.

Why have you let him continue with this op? Just because he happens to be good looking, that does not give him the right to hurt you like this.

Your thoughts are muzzled, your feelings are disregarded, meanwhile they continue....I am feel sad that you can't speak up, level with him, tell him he must stop. The very fact that you could only muster telling him to reduce his contact says it all.

His bags would be by the front door if he was my husband, and he would be making his choice there and then (if I could get past the EA and kissing that is, I am not sure I could)

You sound like a really lovely person, he is treating you like shit. Please find your dignity and deal with him.

I'm glad you feel happy with yourself Pachonga you sound like a lovely person with a great family. I think your husband is probably enjoying the attention and flirtation. Is this OK with you? I hope it never develops any further but keep your eye out!

OP, this reads like my life. I did exactly the same as you, tried to accept their friendship. He looked at me and swore there was nothing sexual going on and I believed him. This is unacceptable. It's exactly the same bloody script my DP said to me. He lied to me in every way. Don't accept what he tells you. I really do think he's lying. I'm sorry, I feel terrible for saying this but this is just how things played out for me and it absolutely blind sided me.

I knew a woman who let this go on for well over 2 years.
Finally after many tears she'd had enough.

The dp fearing he'd lost his wife
Dropped the ow like a ton of bricks.

It's called cake eating and will ensure.

This ow is nothing special- just a fantasy. / comfort blanket/ ego boost.

Once reality hits it all collapses.

Don't get the women.

Get fucking angry OP. This is all about the thrill of the chase and their egos. Honest to fucking God, why do they do it.

This might sound crazy but I think this comes down to DH continuing to message this woman and yes, maybe play out a fantasy of having someone else but isn’t actual ‘real’ as she lives far away and has a family of her own, or deal with the reality of DH having an actual real-life lover, maybe someone younger, single and available, that he might leave me for. Because I really do feel those are the options right now.

Do you consider a kiss cheating?

He's lied about it being nothing more than speaking.

I think because he's been so brazen and doing this in plain sight it's gracing the situation some degree of normality & has got you to accept it.

In a nutshell...they met, kissed, exchanged numbers, continued to chat, disguised her as a new "friend" to allow him to speak to her under your nose.
Now the kiss has came to light because they're reminiscing about it.

You've asked him not to speak to her as much so he's took it underground, car & work. He doesn't know you know about the cheating.

I would be surprised if nothing else happened from now.

OP it's no life to be looking over your shoulder. You deserve way more respect, love and attention. I commend you for not blowing up. He's being really deceitful, probably worse as he's doing it in front of your face.

Totally agree with Everafter1 You know he's being deceitful.

Cheating is cheating, if he is falling for her it’s only a matter of time before then plan on seeing each other. If she dumps him, he will find another one possibly closer.

You are sending him the message that it’s ok to have his cake and eat it. Why do you him so badly to stay with you at all cost?