Dating thread for 20 and 30 something's with no children

[Tiddlybups]

Hello

Just wondered if anyone is interested in joining a dating chat thread for slightly younger people with no children?

I think with all the “chat obsessed guys” it’s a control thing - they like having lots of women as (what they claim are) options

and they like seeing all these women coming up with plans to meet and inviting them out

they know there’s a “sunk cost” thing as in if a woman has been exchanging multiple messages daily for a few weeks she might be so keen to meet she’ll just invite him to hers

or basically go “I’m on an exciting night out here are the details you can drop in when you like”.

So they have all the power and control and make no effort and take no risk . But who wants to be in that kind of interaction? It’s not even like this type of guy is actually that attractive IRL either

I think when I got more confident with just ghosting anyone who seemed the endless chat type (ie I’d raise the issue of meeting and they’d clearly deflect and “just want to chat”) it saved a lot of time. I used to feel rude ignoring people but now I just don’t care

@tiddly you’re a queen and an inspiration ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Im up for that 🙋🏼‍♀️

I’ve given up on dating. Tried online for a while but not for me.

I do get asked out but unfortunately they are never my type (nothing wrong with them but you won’t be for everyone - myself included. As I say “you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, otherwise you’re just a mug”)

I've been using Hinge, which seems to weed out more of the weirdos. Not quite sure how. I think it would work best in London as it's not super popular so some of my "matches" have been a long way away. But the ones I have had have been more promising.

I have another friend who has been using it too, and they've liked it as well.

@Nacreous a friend recommended hinge to me actually.. haven’t plucked up the courage to sign up but I’ve been thinking about it. Sounds promising.
Also @Fairydust84 I bloody love your saying about cups of tea and mugs. Brilliant.

How’s everyones dating going?
I had a date Monday evening. Very low key. Nice guy, we have a lot of the same interests.. in fact he’s like the boy version of me.. so definitely more of a friend I think.
The ginger boy that I can’t seem to move on from (in my head, he doesn’t know that) runs so hot and cold with me. Sometimes I only think he wants to chat if he knows he’ll get a picture of my body. I think that says more about him then me.. although I do think I just need to stop talking to him.

Good luck on Monday aimee! And you know you need to just block ginger guy- if he’s asking for photos and nothing else he’s not good for you and will distract you from meeting other guys.

All well here ended up seeing both my dates on Sunday though not at the same time (drank too much on Sunday and ended up staying the night at his

Lovely new flat which I’m glad I saw as I’m still wary of people being secretly attached (it confirms the whole seperated pending divorce waiting to move thing), and although he didn’t have condoms so we couldn’t “you know what” it was still a fun night.

Still hungover though - as much as I like drinking I think the next date needs to be dry or just the one!

Off on hols soon so that will actually be a nice emotional break! I think in my last relationship the guy was really complimentary but wanting me to chase/organise all the time (under the “I have a busy job so you need to do it all” label) so I’m just NOT doing anything now, if I get contacted it’s cool but I’m not pushing or arranging.

Hinge sounds interesting! I only really done pof and match and okcupid so it’s good to know of alternative ones.

Hi, I would like to join you all! i am 39 and have only just returned to OLD the last week but have had unfortunately a lot of OLD experience over the years. None of my friends are single and are entirely fascinated by the whole thing but obviously don't understand the emotional toll it can take at times.

Very similar outlook to Tiddly regarding it all! Lots of men appear to want a penpal. I've had three arranged dates either cancel or disappear this last week, one yesterday with a nice enough guy but don't think i feel it, hes very keen I think.

Split up with my alcoholic ex before christmas then was delighted to meet a lovely genuine guy a couple of months ago, he had complicated cirucmstances though and has made it clear he likes me but is not in a posiiton to commit or give me the relationship I want so I need to try to put him aside. We are still texting daily though and I find it so hard to cut it off, I know I need to!! there is a real life connection we discovered after chatting online a bit and i think thats blurring the boundaries too.

I'm always full of advice and sensible actions for other people but find it hard applying it to myself so need a good kick up the bum!

Hello welcome golf! Yes long drawn out texting/WhatsApp things seem to be quite typical nowadays. But tbh I’d rather just work towards a meet (even if it’s not that positive at least I’m not wasting time on a fantasy relationship)

Dates here have gone well - the chap I saw a couple of weeks ago seems keen, and we met Sunday and just for a quick drink this evening. Sunday was the first day we had both been in the country since our first date. We get on really well actually. I have to say I have only dabbled with online dating before, my other relationships have sort of fallen into place naturally - do people view that much meeting as a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm trying not to let myself put too many eggs into one basket but I also don't really enjoy trying to keep in touch with more than one person at a time and frankly I have a lot of hobbies so it would be quite hard to manage. Do you guys reckon it's essential? It seems to very much be a thing on the big thread.

I totally understand the penpal thing, and usually try to arrange to meet them after exchanging a few messages to get an idea of whether we'll have anything to talk about.

nacreous I’d say just do what feels comfortable for you? If you want to emotionally pace yourself do that if you’re feeling a bit more “daring” then do that? If you’re happy with what’s going on don’t change it.

I’ve heard the phrase “numbers game” used and when I was much younger and more adventurous and liked going out a lot I would happily meet and chat with loads of guys and juggle them all.

But I’m more emotionally sedate now and like you say with hobbies etc and needing sleep I don’t want to be juggling 4-5 guys?

My two contacts at the moment are both nice normal blokes who seem to enjoy my company (the one I spent Sunday night with has just got in touch to take me out tomorrow before I go for hols, the other one is away but has WhatsApped me a couple of nice scenic photos) .

I’m actually happy with this rather slow pace.

If these interactions stop I’ll probably wait a month then resume OD.

Maybe it’s just me but I also get emotional online dating burnout - I only was on pof for a fortnight and getting 10-15 emails a day (most of them dodgy ), trying to find common ground with people you don’t know from Adam, finding out someone you’ve been chatting to isn’t all that (“who is that, is that your sister?” “No it’s my wife in the photo I’m not over her ”)...

Basically I think OD is good tool but like most social media it’s easy to negatively affect your mental health so needs to be paced and rationed .

tiddly yes I definitely agree with OD - it is really easy to have sort of short lived self esteem boosts but overall feel worse about the whole thing if you aren't careful, I agree.

Nice and normal sounds ideal! I hope you have a lovely time tomorrow. I am not into incredibly long text message talks but i do think it's nice to keep in touch with the odd.message saying what you're up to, so the chap on holiday sounds promising too.

I think I'm happy with the way things are going but I am second guessing myself because things haven't worked out in the past. Just have to go with the flow and not worry about anything too much.

Totally agree with the short self esteem boosts making you feel worse in the long run.. that kind of sums up how I feel today.
Regarding the ‘ginger one’ I made a decision tonight that unless he contacts me I won’t speak to him again. I’m not having the hot/cold messages then the constant second guessing my own messages and how they might be read... not wanting to be too keen but also keen enough and reading into messages. If he can’t/won’t commit to a second date even after we’ve been talking for nearly 6 weeks then he clearly isn’t interested but keeping me hanging on because he knows I really am (and I am... which is the sad truth of it all). I definitely won’t be engaging in long text chats again!
I’m finding this soooo helpful everyone. It’s comforting reading all your stories. Feel we’re all in the same boat xxxx

Went to the cinema and then spent the night at my dates which was very nice - bottle of Prosecco and really chilled out coupley affectionate night. He’s invited me to a couple of events next week but I’m away so I’ll just WhatsApp him a couple photos.

I think I’m just going to keep on taking one contact at a time and seeing where this all leads, or doesn’t, rather than overanalysing.
There’s a few little “hmm our lifestyles might not be compatible based on X” things but even a short term thing would be ok as he really has great energy and is such a chilled out guy.

Other prospect still in contact too.

Also randomly saw someone I used to have a workplace crush on whilst doing the walk of shame this morning .

Overall it’s actually a bit overwhelming (I have ASD) so glad I’m getting away for a while to put things into perspective so I don’t rush into anything

It also makes me think how much better things are emotionally if I don’t feel I’m “ racing to tick boxes and get a relationship”.

(I’m lucky in that I don’t want children and have big life goals that aren’t linked to being in a couple).

How’s everyone getting on , or not? 😇

I joined POF it’s rather eye opening. A lot more forward and aggressive than tinder somehow
Whereas tinder could almost be seen as a game somehow POF certainly isn’t

I’ve not actually used tinder so not sure what the difference is but for POF my experience is being quite thick skinned and ruthless is probably wise!

Just ignore anyone who doesn’t meet your criteria and don’t reply to be polite as it encourages them - tbh if you just look at the photos in your inbox you don’t even need to check the profiles most of the time! I was just going down going “delete delete delete” most of the time.

And if someone turns out weird as you’re chatting just ignore them. I didn’t even bother blocking I just saw they’d sent a message then deleted without reading.

That said, there are some normal types there (I hope!).

My two fish both seem fine and what I’m after (intelligent, sporty, professional, own places, no kids, bit geeky)

And I think other people have met ok matches too so it’s worth sifting through the dross.

So, I potentially have a date on Wednesday with a guy (off tinderella) who seems normal and nice. We agreed that we wouldn’t send heaps of messages to each other.. I decided that it get my hopes up too much (e.g the Ginger) and if they only want someone to message as they’re bored I don’t want to be that person.
He’s separated (not sure if going through a divorce) and has just left the army.. I’ll have to make sure that his wife actually is an ex and not a current hahah. That would be awkward.

@Tiddlybups so pleased to read your post (and also being honest about being on the spectrum) you’re a queen x

Tiddly - i'm pleased you're happy with the way things are going, good for you!
I'm still in contact with the guy I met last well, I'll call him Mr Tall. We talk everyday, but he's aware we can't meet until after my exam (I'm at uni) and he's happy to arrange a time to meet after! Got a few other Irons too, one I shall call Mr Fade who tends to message loads one day and then nothing for a few days. Another one call Mr C who seems lovely but doesn't want a LDR and I live quite far from him 🤔. With my exam coming up i've stopped swiping on the apps and just talking to those three when I can....

Good luck with the date on wednesday @Aimee, i hope it goes well!

@fairycakesandtea7 I love how you’ve named them!!! Mr Fade sounds a bit like The Ginger... messages loads then nothing..
Mr Tall sounds very promising!!
Hope your exam goes well hun x x x

Aimee - how was the date, did you have a good time?

@nacreous hey lovely... rescheduled until Friday... his idea not mine. I was a bit suspicious to begin with.. I was like.. he’s pieing me.. but actually I then thought if he really was he wouldn’t go to the actual trouble of explaining why he had to reschedule.. (a work thing) and also give another day. I’ve been really good and not texted him loads.. a little bit, and a bit last night but I’ve not gone overboard. I’ve started following him on insta.. and he seems normal!
The Ginger has pretty much pied me off now.. without any explanation. Maybe a good thing.. if he wasn’t going to even commit to a second date then he’s not worth my time.. even though I’ve wasted weeks messaging him. My fault.
How’s everyone’s dating going? X x x

Aimee fngers crossed for Friday then. Hopefully he wouldn't go to the terrible if rearranging if he wasn't interested.

Giving up on Ginger seems a good plan to me, he's clearly not treating you as well as you deserve. Still upsetting and frustrating though.

I think I seem to have got a bit lucky at the moment, as I'm fairly keen on this chap and he seems keen on me. Just stepped things up a little but no chance of us both being in the same place again until bank holiday Monday I think, so I figure anything could happen really. Trying not to get too invested!

yo Aimee and nacreous and everyone!

Nothing to report here, still away and chilling out, not seeing anyone till I get back.

Have whatsapped both prospects and seems to be fine - the guy I've slept with has sent some general chat about his new flat and the other one has sent me an invite to a (free) event so may make a friend'/contact there.

It's odd for me because I suppose I remember when whatsapp wasn't a "thing" so its hard working out what the right level of communication is - I'm ex army WAG so used to being quite independent with comms but equally I don't want to appear too "not keen" if I like the guy.

Still, dating is just a small part of my life so I'm not going to get obsessive over it (ok a teeny bit )

Good luck on Friday Aimee! What are you doing for the date?

Hey @Tiddlybups and @nacreous
Oh it all sounds so positive for you both! Totally get the ‘if I like him I don’t want to appear not keen’ if that makes sense (bad English I know hahha) and about investing as well. I feel like I’ve invested time in people that just aren’t ‘there’ and it’s a shame. Not sure what the plan is for Friday.. Major (who is ex army so I’m calling him Major... not to him only you guys! ) said he would arrange something. I live in Portsmouth and he lives in Andover so perhaps in the middle. I’m trying not to get excited... because although he seems lovely and is really gorgeous (in pics at least) I’m being cautious AGAIN 🤣