I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

You hardly have to be Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells to think the guy who wrote that letter is a prick.

It certainly doesn't say that in the OP, and you think its ok to dangle womens security on a string for money, thats a vile thing to do or suggest. Projects how little you think of women

Vile? Oh do grow up dear.

@smotheroffive There are many many women who in their mid 60s would decide to stay in a marriage for financial reasons. I can count 4 offhand who are friends or acquaintances and they are all in sexless marriages. That is a REALITY for many women who didn't have their own pensions, didn't go to uni and spent most of their lives bringing up children.

It is my business and I see no reason why people cannot or should not be disgusted by this behaviour it may be totally acceptable to you but it isn't to me.

This attitude of mind your own business it has nothing to do with you is one 9f the reasons why people are happy to walk by and not help others in trouble. Who see wrong doing and do not say anything.

It is disgusting behaviour and was never mainstream or acceptable or something to boast about publicly.

You hardly have to be Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells to think the guy who wrote that letter is a prick

No but it would help you enormously.
You have an awful lot to say on MN- moralising- about people who are strangers to you.

No, he's not a prick, though he does have one and uses it often.
He is a man who is scared to admit he is probably gay. He may be a solid member (hahaha) of the community. He may have children who he doesn't want to know. He is living a lie BUT IT MAY FUCKING SUIT THEM BOTH.

You come over as incredibly judgemental about people who may be happy.

And for the final time- I've written for that paper as it happens. I know what is written can be changed to make it more 'interesting'. It's certainly pushed your buttons!

I'd be surprised if this is a 60+ issue. So limiting this to just women in their 60s and the idea that they stay because of financial independence is odd.

I doubt it's only men in their 60s who are betraying their wives in this way or who are engaging in public indecency of this kind.

Like I said, some might find it acceptable and just A Okay. I don't and I'm sure many others don't either. It has been happening for ages but when it becomes something that people can be openly proud of, we've reach another level.

@Lifeandjoy You are homophobic. This is 2019. Some men are gay, and have gay sex often in public places. Alleys, toilets, open spaces....anywhere. Get over it. It happens.

What are you so disgusted about? the gay sex? the location? The fact he thinks his wife is celibate?

Have you lived under a rock all your life?

It's actually hilarious to read your outrage.

I'm all for moralising. We don't do enough of it and we'd all be better off with a bit more moralising and having some boundaries on what is acceptable and what's not. No holds barred approach isn't all its cracked up to be.

JinglingHellsBells
What horrible attitudes to pp. Really, derisory, and sneery.

OP can post what she wants, she might be the fecking pissed off wife!

Why are you here attacking if you're so under-invested.

Something, many things, i would think on many levels, about it bother her.

Anyone who cottages is free to do so, thats just picking out one layer.

The article spoke of more. The OP didnt come here attacking cottaging.

Although, no, I wouldn't want to be intimate with a man who cares so little for the woman he made marriage vows to and has broken. She deserves better.

This whole idea of women spending their lives being relieved of their 'sexual duties' and being 'pawed' at.

Its gross.

You come across as thinking very poorly of men having such rapey behaviours as commonplace.

You are ridiculous Jingling. It is very, very clear from my post that I'm referring to cottaging and the betrayal of his wife, and his pride in doing so.

Go away with your nonsensical accusation about homophobia.

It is disgusting behaviour and was never mainstream or acceptable

Before homosexuality was made legal, most men found sex through cottaging. Are you not old enough to know that?

They used public places, especially toilets. As gay behaviour it is 100% mainstream.

Now that it's legal to be gay and have gay sex, men do not have to resort to public toilets as much but many gay men are highly promiscuous, they have not come out, and so they still behave as if it were the 1960s ( gay sex in toilets.)

There are many many women who in their mid 60s would decide to stay in a marriage for financial reasons. I can co

You seem to do a lot of decising for other women from the few posts I've seen you make here in the last couple of pages alone.

You are attacking women here for things they've not said. Quite nastily.

Are you the cottager in the article? Genuine question, as if you are grow a pair and own up. Stop trying make this into a homophobia debate by your deletions and distortions and poor views of men, and women.

There is only one person here being ridiculous @lifeandjoy and it's not me.
You are being homophobic,

Where gay men have sex is nothing to do with you.

And you have NO idea what his wife knows or thinks. She may be very happy with it all.

I’d be that woman. There’s no way, at 65, I’d throw away 40 years of marriage and half our assets because my bloke was cottaging. Sorry if that doesn’t accord with other people’s ideals but that’s the way it is. And I’d rather not know.

Genuine question, as if you are grow a pair and own up

Grow a pair- ah so we have a sexist comment!

A woman has to be like a man in order to stand up for herself.

You should be ashamed to write such drivel.

and no I am not the man who wrote it.

As if I'd be so silly as to get involved in a MN chat if I were.

If gay / straight men are lying to their wives, and if gay / straight men are having sex in public places where young children can inadvertently come across them, then it is my business.

You might say you are not being ridiculous but you saying it means nothing. You are ridiculous.

But she was 30 or so when it started. She had the right to know why he stopped having sex with her and that he was cottaging.

Well said @alsohuman.
Some posters here are so young they have no idea of the past or women's lives.

To say people shouldn't have sex in public toilets isn't homophobic, ffs!

She had the right to know why he stopped having sex with her and that he was cottaging.

She was 35.

Maybe she didn't want to know?

Maybe she DOES know!

Maybe she is very happy not to have sex.

Why are you so bothered? Spending you life it seems telling people what to do with their lives , on AIBU all day long.

And you have NO idea what his wife knows or thinks. She may be very happy with it all

You would be wrong then, if thats what youve based all your arguments on and repeatedly calling pp 'ridiculous' for.

He told his wife, he decided, and he presumes she is celebate or getting it elsewhere, he doesnt know, he doesnt talk to her, he broke his vows, their marriage is a farce. Very sad, but true.

It seems you are the only one hellsbells who is in the dark about this.

To say people shouldn't have sex in public toilets isn't homophobic, ffs!

So what is it? Should they book into the Savoy?

Who are YOU to decide where they have sex? Unless you go into men's toilets why are you so worked up ffs?

Actually there are two of us who don’t agree with you.

Lifeandjoy You are homophobic. This is 2019. Some men are gay, and have gay sex often in public places. Alleys, toilets, open spaces....anywhere. Get over it. It happens.
Yes it does. And in 1980 something my brother who would have been around 9 at the time walked into exactly that situation.
And now it's 2019. Homosexuality is LEGAL, just as it was in 1980. There's no need to do it in public toilets where children can walk in!
Oh, but they WANT TO so that's ok. Because how men like to get their rocks off is the main priority, yes?
No. It's mucky, selfish and frankly deeply repressed to be lurking about in public toilets with your cock in your hand.
Homophobic my arse. You can't just excuse any sort of behaviour by crying "phobic".
I'm dirty bastard phobic, sue me.

So now its 'young' women at fault.

You have convinced me that you have a very low opinion of men, and women (all ages).

Sorry @Smotheroffive He told his wife, he decided

you seem to have read a different article. Where does it say he TOLD her???