I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

Yes @Smotheroffive, it is young women. We old birds are far more pragmatic.

People should not be having sex on public, toilets, trains, planes, telephone booths, or otherwise. They may enjoy the thrill of it but it isn't and should not be acceptable.

If you think it's homophobic, then you are not just ridiculous, you are absolutely and plainly ridiculous.

Unless you go into men's toilets why are you so worked up ffs?
I have told my son never to use the lavs in the park so he comes home to go when he's out playing football. It affects HIS life, thanks for your concern.

@Lifeandjoy Sorry, but who are you that it is your business to police the lives of men and women, and what they do? You say it's your business if they are lying...?

You are 'god'?

She must know something is wrong .

He didn’t want to hug her after sex and then decided he doesn’t want to have sex at all !

I don’t understand why a woman would want to stay in a sexless marriage for twenty years , and more so , why she would NOT believe that he must be getting something elsewhere .

I think that we Should also be able to note that he was ‘ cottaging ‘ shortly after he got married .

So basically he had an active sex life with his wife and was still cruising in public toilets looking for ‘ fun’ with other men for some years before he stopped having sex with her .

So the real cause of his sexless marriage is not her ‘clinging ‘ after sex , it’s that he’s gay and probably always has been , and he’s writing stupid letters to newspapers blaming his poor wife . How disrespectful.

He needs to go see a counsellor or something and come out like a normal person would .

@Lifeandjoy Ah but you didn't say 'people' [having sex in public places] you said men cottaging was disgusting etc etc.

Men have been having sex in toilets for decades. Get over it.

YOU to decide where they have sex? Unless you go into men's toilets why are you so worked up ffs?

You are sounding very worked up tbh.

Mens toilets are not there so that all males (including dc) risk walking in on reportable public offences.

Having sex, or.revealibg yourself, even taking a poss in public is all a crime.

One that you defend to the hilt. It is wrong and nobody else should be forced into witnessing it.

You are wrong and supporting crime.

I feel for your 9 yr.old DB having to witness that Ifnot

In 2019 what need can there possibly be to have sex in a public place?
It is self centred behaviour.

something I started doing shortly after we married.

So it sounds like for the first ten years of his marriage he was shagging random men and his wife so exposing her to risk. And if they were DTD for ten years then it is entirely possible that there are children involved. The couple are in their 50s, not their 60s - there is plenty of time to start again if the wife does find out.

He is scum. Not for being bi or gay but for using his wife like this, lying to her, unilaterally deciding sex should stop (although given the risk that might be a good thing!), depriving her of emotional comfort and all the other shitty things he is doing to her. Oh, and shagging in public. Men or women, in whatever combination you like, should be done in private and NOT public spaces!

I have two sons and a husband none of whom need to be part of this when they just want to use a loo. We aren't talking about the toilets in a nightclub at midnight.

The 'offender' has also blamed his deceit on his wife (she wanted cuddles, etc) despicable.

Why are the Guardian printing such garbage in such a one sided manner, would they if it was the story of a rapist, or murderer?

@Smotheroffive I am not supporting sex in toilets. I am saying no one knows what goes on in this man's marriage so posters who assume they do are mistaken.

As @Alsohuman said, men have had sex in public toilets for decades and will carry on doing so. Yes it is illegal but I'm sure the police have far better things to do than track cottaging.

It is very unfortunate if a child sees or hears that but when I was a child in the 50s and 60s, my parents warned me about toilets that were 'less safe' and that I should avoid.

Even IF a child who was not with a parent overheard two men having sex, it would not be the end of the world for them.

You seem to forget many children have access to porn or are shown it by their friends and are far more circumspect about sex than lots of posters here it seems.

I read this yesterday and was interested to see that comments were closed quickly - few of the people posting BTL were sympathetic to the letter writer. The writer sounds like he sees his wife with complete contempt, which I think stands out way beyond the actual situation.

By my reckoning he’s 66 and she’s 64. I’m their age and no way would I start again.

And that's why my ex is an ex. He'd been doing it for nearly ten years while we were still together 🤢Had to have a full STD panel when we split up ☹️

Thanks smother . I only found out about it when we were adults. I know it frightened him. There's more to the story actually but I wouldn't feel right posting about it. Pretty grim stuff.
For the record, I don't want to "get over" the fact that I'm supposed to send any son over 8 years old into men's toilets when this might be going on. It IS a crime for a reason. How completely fucked up do you have to be to think it's just fine??

Toilets and public spaces are not for having sex in, thats why there are laws against it, to protect the public including the very young and vulnerable against such offenders.

Its not even as if you're unlikely to be disturbed, its a thoroughfare for those needing privacy for toileting (not having to be subjected to others selfish illegal carry-ons)

I did not say people because the OP was talking about this specific case of this husband cottaging. I was very, very clear that it is the cottaging and deception I have problems with. The first because of kids potentially walking in on this disgusting behaviour (ie adults having sex in public) and the second the wife does not dersrve this betrayal.

If the OP had posted about a heterosexual man cottaging, I'd say the same thing and wouldn't have felt the need to stress that I was referring to gay men as well.

You can try as much as you like to throw the homophobic charge around. I don't really care because as far as I'm concern it is without merit.

Cottaging or whatever term is attached to public sex by gay men (and heterosexual men) is unacceptable.

Knock yourself out saying homophobic, homophobic.

You have said so very much more than that Hellsbells

You have declared yourself a supporter of offenders and sneered and ridiculed those who disagreed with you.

You have stated very poor expectations, well, worse, of men, and only marginally bettter of women.

The OP was clear on the things being discussed here.

Notonnight, hear, hear. Someone earlier even suggested that cottaging is normal and mainstream for gay men. That most gay men do this.

I know many gay men who would be outraged by this belief.

I wonder why anyone would want to encourage this seedy behaviour and in doing so accuse people of being homophobic for not subscribing to this vileness.

Cottaging was born out of necessity - in the days when gay men had nowhere they could go, and had to desperately seek places to get together. There’s no need for this now. ‘They’ve’ done it for years, but the driver behind it now is the thrill of nearly public sex. George Michael even admitted it was the riskiness that appealed! Doggers have their own thing, BDSM ditto and so on.

I can avoid public car parks/places where doggers meet up, I can avoid going to events where BDSM, Swinging, swapping, orgies etc etc go on. I don’t judge anyone for what they like, unless it is non-consensual abuse. I really couldn’t give a monkeys. If I’m out I can’t avoid public toilets. Nor can my DC, so hell yes it’s not right in those circumstances.

He’s lucky he hasn’t picked up the wrong bloke and been mugged or beaten up.

Can’t say about the wife, but don’t call people homophobic because they don’t want to walk in on people fucking ffs.

People having sex in public is all of our business. If it wasn't, their would not be a law against it. Laws normally reflect how a society feels about certain things. If no one cared and turned a blind eye because it was someone else's business, we'd all be in a right mess.

Just because it hasn't happened to my son or daughter waking in on people having sex in public does not mean I should not care. Today your son or daughter, tomorrow mine or my grandchild or my great grandchild.

You sound like an utterly selfish person who has not a care about others. I care about my child as well as all others. I care about myself as well as other women. They are nameless and faceless but I care and I such, cottaging is my business.

She may know, she may not. However due to her age she may not have financial security, so leaving may lead to struggling financial during retirement etc. We have to remember that when she was younger women were less likely to have high paying careers, private pensions etc, so she may be in a very vulnerable situation where finances are concerned.

@lifeandjot

I agree, I don’t know any gay guys who have done anything remotely like that, or who would do anything remotely like that.