I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

@Huskylover1 the thing though is that a lot of people do stay in sexless marriages. And actually I think that it’s more often men than women who are denied sex, but society excuses that because the woman has the kids/does the childcare/the housework and it’s unreasonable for a man to expect his wife to want to have sex with him. Yet if the man goes off sex the woman should just ltb....

Most marriages tale off as people get older anyway, menopause for instance has a huge impact on women’s sex drive. While nobody should stay in a marriage where they’re not happy, it’s the norm to stay in a sexless marriage rather than to move forward, especially when there are children in the equation.

People who are clingy after sex usually haven't been fully satisfied. No one wants to be clingy and needy when they're happy and satisfied. Women are usually harder to sexually satisfy than men, so at least you can give these men something you've never been able to give your wife.

To be honest though , this reads like a fantasy rather than reality.

Incidentally, (could have namechanged for this next bit but what the hell,) I am currently in a sexless relationship because I have no sex drive after developing a life limiting illness three years ago. I absolutely know that my partner is sad about it, but I also know that he doesn’t want to leave me over it. But A, if he did I wouldn’t blame him, and B, if he did leave you can bet that the self righteous women on this thread who are suggesting a woman should leave a man who doesn’t want sex with her would say that he was a heartless bastard for leaving someone who has no sex drive because of an illness.

But sexless is sexless however that comes about. The understanding may be different, but IME the rejection isn’t any easier....

@Huskylover1 I think unless you are in an otherwise happy and yet sexless marriage you cannot begin to understand.

There is absolutely NO comparison with you and your being cheated on where you chose to divorce.

The women I know whose marriages are sexless are all late 50s or in their 60s. They have actually given their DHs the choice- the conversations have been had (ie- this is how I feel, do you want us to split.) They (the men) would rather have no sex but hold onto the friendship and companionship they have, and not upset the rest of the family and try to find someone to live on only half their assets.

Maybe this is hard to understand but some couples get to a point after 35 or 40 years together where their sex life dwindles but they are very good companions.

someone to live= somewhere to live...

I could very easily be this woman in 20 years time. Been married for 10+ years and have barely had any sex outside of trying for a child. Every time I bring it up husband says it’s normal and I’m not normal to want it still. We’re both in our 30’s. I cannot continue like this but don’t know where to go. I can’t leave him as I don’t have a job, It has crossed my mind that he might be gay but there is no evidence. Imagine how this poor woman felt, there was no internet there that she could just google and I bet this is not a conversation she could have with her friends, I certainly haven’t,

Any advice for me please?

You’re young @keli19. Get a job, stash some money away and leave. It’s not normal in your 30s and don’t let him convince you it is. We only get one life, live it.

@alsohuman it’s not just money it’s support too. I dont have parents. Only a sister who lives a distance away and not really that close. If I leave him I will also not be part of his family. I will be alone with literally no support system. I am due to go back to work soon.

Keli you are entirely normal to have a sex drive. I would get yourself established at work and make friends.

Couples therapy might help, you could ask. probably a long wait.

@temporarypermanent we have tried counselling but not gone well, he cried several times in counselling, He says he will try harder and nothing improves. In the beginning when we used to try he would get emotional and I found ED medicines in his work bag. I thought for a few years maybe he had problems with erection but he won’t discuss anything.

I’m finding myself looking at other men, I’m really lonely. I wouldn’t do anything as I don’t think it is right.

Would he consider an open marriage Keli19?

I think I should maybe create a new thread and get more responses that way. I believe I came across this thread for a reason. I’ve never spoken about this before maybe it’s time I do start speaking about it. Thanks for your advice everyone, I’m going to create a new thread so please reply on there, thanks x

The issue is not that he is gay, but that he prefers casual distanced sexual experiences.

I find that so disturbing. It's as though other people are mere objects for his sexual gratification,

Not sure I agree with that. Lots of men enjoy giving blow jobs to other men, with nothing in return. Sure, they're getting gratification for that, but I don't think they're using other. And both men will be happy with this situation, so it's not like one is using the other.

I was talking to DH about cottaging recently. He said in the about 30 years he can remember going in public toilets, he has only seen one instance of cottaging, and that was only a slightly suspicious guy stood at a urinal who was still there when he went back a few hours later. He has never seen or heard anyone shagging in public toilets, so there must be a lot of disretion involved.

I suspect that this is very common. I know for certain that two of my friends DHs are at the very least bisexual and have had liaisons with men whilst married and I suspect a third might be gay (no sex for years so the wife says).