I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

Many, many women on here have experienced rejection on this level, bookworm4.

I have gay friends who say married "heterosexual" men make up most of their casual encounters.

I've heard that too, many times.

She's had 30 odd years to decide if she wants to stay in this relationship. I think she's ok with it.

This makes my blood boil. I live in a rural area where the nearby loos are /where used for cottaging. I used to see so many men there who I might see later in the week shopping with the wife in M and S.

My youngest dd went to the beach to walk her dog after school. She encountered two men who couldnt even wait to get inside the loos at it beside the sea wall and this was in January. They panicked and chased her away down the beach as the tide was coming in. She came home sobbing. I saw red, ran down to the loos and saw one of them still adjusting himself and getting in his car. I reached in the open window, pulled his keys from the ignition and threw them across the car park. His friend drove off quickly.

The Police told me he would plead guilty to a public order offence but would deny anything sexual because he had previous. He said he would make my daughter testify in court and she would be pulled apart by his brief.

I hope she finds out and gets out. He wants the outward respectability of being married, but what will happen if his secret life is discovered.

I feel a bit sorry for him.

He's clearly gay and presumably can't come to terms with that.

@HollowTalk
I understand that but to stay in a marriage with no emotion or affection for 29 years, it beggars belief.
Vile man, who has basically used his wife his whole marriage. 🙁

I recall someone wrote on here a couple of months ago catching her DH on a site for cottaging.

He assumed his DW has been celibate. Rather arrogant to assume that.

@ElsieMc
Good on you ⭐️

So he's gay (and in denial) and sees nothing wrong with denying his wife the opportunity to have a full, romantic relationship. What about her needs and feelings? What a self-centred, smug, self-satisfied bastard.

I presume his wife has her own reasons for staying in the marriage.

That poor woman.

This is one where you hope she's had a string of lovers over the years. Preferably his friends. And his Boss.

I'm still inclined to believe that half of those stories at least are made up by the subs desk on a wet Wednesday afternoon but, anyway... Part of the blame has to attach to the sort of upbringing this man had, which taught him that being gay was so shameful he had better try not to be. This used to happen a lot more often: such men would pick a woman who was likely to be grateful and compliant (younger than him, not very pretty, lower social class or in a situation she was desperate to get out of) marry her so they looked respectable, and then start following their own inclinations.
I think sometimes such marriages would be agreed with full knowledge when the woman was gay and they both needed a respectable image - and that those kinds were often happier because the partners liked and trusted each other.

You are only getting one side of the story @HollowTalk

How about Sex Talk, the Guardian

"^I am an woman in my mid 60s. I was married quite young and our sex life was ok but never wonderful. I suspected early on that my husband was gay but at the time it was not the done thing to come out. We've not had sex for almost 30 years. It doesn't bother me because I have had several lovers over the years. These are men I've met through work , online dating sites and even friends of friends. They are always single. I'm not looking for commitment. I have a lovely home, my husband and i get on as friends, so why rock the boat?"

He doesn't say whether they have kids.

I can't say that I'm surprised by his selfishness and entitlement to behave as he wishes, and to even be proud of such ghastly behaviour. As a society, we no longer heap shame on or feel shame about terrible deeds. On Mumsnet you read advice from some people effectively advising others to behave in selfish and appalling ways.

It's a societal problem. We often see these things as one individual behaving in a certain way, but one person affects another, who then thinks it's okay to do likewise, etc.

We can no longer trust our nearest and dearest because the most unlikely people are doing horrendous things.

Shes probably got someone else herself.
I think its very selfish of this man not to just end the relationship and keep her hanging on. Also its one of the reasons public toilets get shut down because people are sick of this.
No wonder people don't like young kids going to the loo by themselves. Its not very nice for them to hear/see this.

The wife most probably know's about her husbands little men

get together's.. and does not care what he does. Some people do live odd bod lives,and stay together no matter what..

TBH you are always reading about these things like cottaging,and how easy it is to do these pick ups,with all the apps and phone stuff now, so if this man is so inclined to have this seedy life style,its easy for him, and nobody is asking questions,as all this crap of sex stuff,has now become so mainstream,that is all gets boring to hear about anymore.

I hope the wife can get a better life, but who know's what she want's.

My next door neighbour was gay and used to hold big gay parties periodically with roughly 50 or 60 guys there. At least half of them were married.

Public toilets I used to frequent always had men taking an extraordinary length of time, that is perhaps why, infamou, they have since closed down

Seems unnecessary to me, just divorce

Be openly gay

*"I decided we should stop"
*
Says it all really, I hope she is getting it somewhere else and/or is getting her ducks in a row to leave this piece of work.