I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

By the way she would never ever have called herself a victim or him of the circumstanes..She would have hated that.

Disgusting.

Some men are really filthy and vile.

puke, not envy.

But Angela, above, accepted her husband's wanderings but I didn't take that to mean his wandering into the local toilets to have sex with strangers.

@JinglingHellsBells Those toilets mentioned were at their local railway station. And you say "They would be mindful of young boys" - not exactly reassuring when you are talking about men having sex in public toilets.

Who knows what his “wanderings” meant. If your spouse is having sex with other men and you’re not bothered but want to maintain your marriage, you’d probably prefer him cottaging to developing a relationship with one man.

I think women who turn a blind eye to what their husbands are up to don't actually think they are going into the public toilets to have sex. I think they wouldn't think about anything in any detail, otherwise it would be too scary and threatening.

If you wanted to maintain your marriage it would be far more threatened by a one to one relationship. As you might guess I’m a pragmatic woman in her mid 60s and I know which would suit me better. I suspect my view would have been very different 20 years ago.

It is true that some women are perfectly content with a marriage like this, because heterosexual, monogamous marriage is still held up as the thing everyone should aspire to. For those who don't want regular heterosexual sex but do want to present as 'happily married' and therefore normal, a gay man who prefers NSA encounters with other men is a good match for a woman who is asexual - or a lesbian. If you don't want sex with your spouse, why would you care if they are getting it somewhere else? Wanting and having a lot of anonymous sex with equally willing strangers doesn't stop you being a good partner; kind, funny, happy to do your share of the chores - or a good parent, if you have DC. Also, the bond between such a couple can be really strong because it's a shared secret.

If heterosexual monogamy is your thing, good luck to you, enjoy. But there's no need to get your undies in a bundle at what other people choose to do.

@Hollowtalk
Why did you feel the need to post the link and c/p it too? if it's so disgusting and vile, why do you feel the need to broadcast it? And to headline it with 'hope his wife's on MN.
Why?
-You intentionally want to hurt her?
-You want to sensationalise what he does?
-Your life is so narrow and sheltered that you needed to read this to know that men have 'cottaged' since time began?

I don't get your intentions.
But you aren't occupying the high moral ground by a long way.

Maybe you have led a sheltered life.
I have known for decades- even as a child I somehow picked up from conversations (overheard) from adults - that homosexuals ( as they were called then) used loos.

He does say that his richest pickings are to be found after 6pm so your argument that the loos are full of children at that time is absurd. Young children will be accompanied by a parent or go to the women's loos with their mum.

Your post screams 'homophobia'. Men have always done this. It just happens that one has chosen to write about it.

And remember what I said upthread; the editors will have wanted an angle on it.

I don't believe his wife doesn't know and we don't know why she has stayed, but clearly she is.

It's none of your business.

OP you know nothing about their relationship. The wife stayed for 29 years in a sexless marriage. Why is there not a teeny tiny part of you that understands she was ok with this?

But don't you think there's a seediness about shagging strange men in public toilets that most women would veer away from, especially one who doesn't want sex herself? (Not that I think the women in the letter would be happy without a sex life. She seemed to want romance with sex and the author of the letter didn't want that.) The idea that he was putting his reputation at risk would be horrifying.

You’re projecting @Hollow Talk. There are women who live happily without sex and don’t want to rock the boat. This woman, like Angela, may well be perfectly happy with her situation and not be concerned with how her husband gets his rocks off. It wouldn’t suit you but it clearly suits her or she wouldn’t have stuck by him for 29 years. And, morality aside, what harm is it doing?

Hollowtalk, is your hubby off cottaging or something? Or did you once have a partner who dumped you because he realised he was gay? You seem to be terribly over-invested in something that really has fuck all to do with you.

Wtaf!

The deceit and subterfuge makes this a problem to me. The shagging in the toilets is pretty grim but plenty of people of all different persuasions seem to shag in public places so I'll accept that that is my opinion.

It is interesting that so many on this thread have labelled him as gay when I think he is probably bisexual and casual sex with men is what he is finding is the easiest way to get his sexual needs met. Finding a lot of women for NSA sex in public spaces is going to be much harder.

'But don't you think there's a seediness about shagging strange men in public toilets that most women would veer away from, especially one who doesn't want sex herself?'

No, not if the wife is ok with it.

more likely she likes the lifestyle he provides, he's probably loaded, that's why she stays. Everyone has a price
wow just wow. There is nothing in the op that suggests that he is loaded or is even the bread winner. The only thing we know about the wife is that she was clingy and emotional after sex, and that she doesn't seem to have objected to him ending their sex life. Maybe she loves him, maybe sex with him was shit and she doesn't miss it, maybe she has a high flying career and he supports her by doing the 'wifework', maybe she is religious, maybe she is frightened of being on her own. But no she is female so of course she just wants his money. Sexist bollocks.

The article written, based on him, said:

He unilaterally decided to
A) cease all sexual relations with his wife
B) not to explain this to her
C) not to even wonder, or ask after her, if this might upset or worry her
D) to express homosexuality without talking to his 'partner' who is clearly no longer a partner other than in name.
E) cannot relate to others on a social level and uses them to wank into, or be wanked by.
F) deny her any choice to be part of this and force her to live a lie.

Theres more, certainly about being in a relationship with zero trust or honesty, and so on..but that will do for starters.

If he was a decent bloke, he wouldnt be so dishonest to his wife, or need to seek random encounters with complete strangers.

What if his wife were to seek sexual intimacy with him, would he then tell her no, or divulge his activities, which hes clearly ashamed of or he would have done the decent thing and spoken to her about. Perhaps he would lie and have sex and possibly risk her health in the process.

None of the above says hes wrong to do what he wants sexually. Just he should be either single, or be honest and give his poor wife choice back.

Women of MN start hanging around toilets at 6 to see if thats where errant husbands go!

take photos to post on here

Hollowtalk, is your hubby off cottaging or something? Or did you once have a partner who dumped you because he realised he was gay? You seem to be terribly over-invested in something that really has fuck all to do with you.

It's my thread, SGB!

But don't you think there's a seediness about shagging strange men in public toilets that most women would veer away from, especially one who doesn't want sex herself?

I don't understand your post.

Fucking men in public loos is what some gay men do. Are you actually saying that until you read the article you'd never heard of it? 'Cos it sounds like that.

What do you mean by 'women would veer away from it'?
The sex? Being married to someone who does it?
Which woman are you talking about when you say 'she doesn't want sex herself'? This writer's wife?

You know nothing about her.
The writer thinks his wife is celibate. She may be. She may not be.

Sorry but you are coming across as someone who has lived a very narrow life, as if this article is the first you have ever known about what gay men get up to. Also, you seem ignorant of the fact that many long term marriages are sexless (I know of several) and the wife although not happy with that, stays, for various reasons. You also don't appear to appreciate that some women don't like sex, and might be relieved their partners don't 'bother them' and even pleased they find sex elsewhere.

I really don't know what you hoped to achieve by posting this.

Maybe stop reading the Guardian if it's too risque for you. Mail might be better.

Hollowtalk, is your hubby off cottaging or something? Or did you once have a partner who dumped you because he realised he was gay? You seem to be terribly over-invested in something that really has fuck all to do with you.

It's my thread, SGB!

You just don't get it do you?

SJB means you are over invested, full stop. To start the thread. Why are you so outraged? Maybe a name change to Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells might help?

No, not if the wife is ok with it

Noone knows do they? She doesnt even know!!

Of course shes unlikely to be, and to another pp how can she be with him for his money??

It certainly doesn't say that in the OP, and you think its ok to dangle womens security on a string for money, thats a vile thing to do or suggest. Projects how little you think of women.

Blimey, there's a lot being read into my posts.

Of course I know about cottaging, ffs. And of course I know many marriages are sexless.

I didn't interpret his letter that his wife didn't like sex - he actually says, "We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop."

I felt for his wife. I would feel for anyone who's married to someone who withholds sex but shags strangers in public toilets. I hoped his wife would come to a forum like MN and get support. I can see she wouldn't get support from some people.

but there's nothing in what the man says to suggest she is ok with it
if she was, he'd be saying 'my wife and I are good friends and I've been completely open with her about my habits, she is happy with it'
he's not saying that, is he?
I wouldn't mind betting that part of the enjoyment for him is actually the idea of the deceit, that she is too stupid/naive to notice what is going on.