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Original poster

Boyfriend has admitted to being an occasional cross dresser

154 replies

MyFlabberIsAghast · 25/07/2019 19:05

My boyfriend and I haven't been together that long but we definitely see a future together. However last weekend he admitted to being an occasional cross dresser. He said he doesn't want to do it all the time, isn't a transvestite, doesn't want to be a woman and never does it around his daughter and wouldn't around my DCs.

It's not an absolute deal breaker for me; he said if I hated it he wouldn't do it again because he doesn't want to lose me. But at the same time, I don't quite know how I feel about it.

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 21:42

@Cwenthryth excellent post. I hope OP isn't too infatuated to brush off this paraphilia as just girly nights painting each others nails! I hope she reads and learns exactly what can ensue once she's fully involved, and how it really is - "It is fetishising the idea of ‘woman’ - a hypersexualised, pornified, Male-gaze idea of ‘woman’"

Xxalisoncxx · 25/07/2019 22:12

I had an ex like this, it became more than a fetish. Every single conversation was- what was I wearing, could he wear it. It got to the point I dreading talking to him because it was every conversation. He said it was just a fetish but it was way more than that.

SwordofGryffindor · 25/07/2019 22:44

Nah it starts out as a fetish then it develops into more..

CalmdownJanet · 25/07/2019 23:35

I don't care how intolerant it makes me I would be gone, bye bye, don't let the door hit you on the way out. No kids, no ties, not living together, god no, it's too much for too early

LizzieSiddal · 25/07/2019 23:53

Wow, some real overreactions on here. It's just a fetish!

And if someone doesn’t like this fetish they are working their rights to walk away. That is not an over reaction.
It would be a huge turn off for most women to even imagine, let alone see their partner dressed and made up to look like a woman. It would turn my stomach if Dh said he was into this.

CTRL · 25/07/2019 23:56

Dealbreaker....I’m sure you can find an equally lovely guy who doesn’t find it erotic dressing up in women’s clothes.

Each to their own though.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2019 00:12

Wow, some real overreactions on here. It's just a fetish!

It is NOT JUST A FETISH.

Ivegotthree · 26/07/2019 00:39

I would run for the fucking hills and not look back.

Do it now OP while you still can. If you really thought it was fine you wouldn't have posted here.

AquaPris · 26/07/2019 00:49

While I'm pretty open I'd find this a bit ew tbh. Am 24 so not a prude I just find it odd and makes their masculinity vanish. I couldn't.

AquaPris · 26/07/2019 00:52

My DP isn't the most masculine (all but one of his best mates are women) he's sensitive and silly. But if he wanted to wear my bra!? Gross. I'm the woman not him. Why would he want to? I just don't get it

puckingfixies · 26/07/2019 00:53

The trans widows threads are eye-opening.

The hills are that way OP, run.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 26/07/2019 00:53

It is NOT JUST A FETISH

Not all Crossdresser a are over the top AGPs.
Some crossdressers don't do their best or even try to pass.
Some crossdressers just like wearing stockings or undies or heels or all at the same time.
Etc etc

There is no one catch all term, no one generalisation, no one rule.
A man getting turned on by wearing a dress doesn't automatically equal abusive, forcing people too watch, bringing people into his fetish etc etc etc.

OP, I'd lay out what boundaries you are happy with, if he sticks within them, fantastic, if not then you can take action.

VashtaNerada · 26/07/2019 01:16

I don’t think it would bother me but everyone’s different. OP - you’ll need to make up your own mind on what works for you, try not to be swayed by others’ opinions because we all have different preferences and it’s ultimately up to you.

PositiveVibez · 26/07/2019 01:21

He won't give it up and if you accept it, it will creep into every aspect of your life.

It's early days. He is seeing if you will be complicit so when it happens, he will say 'well I told you about it'

It won't stop here by the way. He will constantly push your boundaries. So now it's 'I sometimes like wearing stockings'. It will end up with him in full outfit expecting you to be turned on by his fetish.

Get out now.

Enclume · 26/07/2019 01:32

I would find that such a turnoff. There's nothing wrong with wanting men to look like men.

Btw, don't idealise this man or any man, OP.

SpoonBlender · 26/07/2019 01:40

I'd be fine with it. All this thin-end-of-the--wedge, slippery-slope catastrophising makes me roll my eyes. Of course there are trans (etc) widows, not denying that at all, but the assumption of almost everyone above that every man who ever liked wearing stockings and a dress will certainly go full on rabid about it? Nonsense. Human sexuality is a broad spectrum and some chaps just like to feel transgressively pretty sometimes. Take Iggy Pop - leathery old bloke he is, he's certainly not defined by the fact he likes to wear dresses sometimes. Eddie Izzard is messed up in a few ways, but sparkly heels doesn't make him a narcissist.

Enclume · 26/07/2019 01:41

Btw OP your reaction is so so normal. It doesn't matter what the fetish is- autogynephilia or blow up dolls or strangling- the first impulse of the girlfriend is more often that not to GO ALONG WITH IT, YOH LOVE HIM, YOU WILL MAKR HIM HAPPY in a way that other women won't...

Until you realise that your whole sex life is not consumed by something you do not find sexy.

If you are a heterosexual woman, then having sex with someone dressed as a woman is definitely not like to be arousing- it can actually be traumatic.

LittleDoll · 26/07/2019 01:43

My partner crossdresses and we are very happy together. His is an identity thing though. In my experience it's a fetish or an identity thing. My partners stems from horrible childhood abuse.

He told me everything before we committed to anything so that I could make my decision knowing everything. His behaviour was massively erratic in the period leading up to him telling me about it.

I wouldnt change it but I would certainly advise making your own judgements. I wouldnt take his word about it not being an identity thing. How far he wants to go with it is the difference between agp and either gender dysmorphic or a multiple personality kind of thing.

Starksforthewin · 26/07/2019 01:50

Yuk.

Run for the hills, OP. What a huge turn off.

At least he told you early so you can put him in the bin before your lives are entwined.

Klobluchar · 26/07/2019 01:59

He’s not a husband, long-term partner or father to your kids, that would be different.

Can you really be bothered with all the agg and heartache this will undoubtedly bring?

LittleDoll · 26/07/2019 02:03

Agree with PPs who say there is nothing wrong if you dont want to go along with it.

And the one that said there are so many types its impossible to have one catch all term.

All of the stories here are potentially what's in store for you. So are the ones on the trans widows threads. So are the rest of the ways these relationships end up. Definitely pay attention to the trans widows stories because it could help you to spot red flags of you do decide to try it out.

Either way it should be based on your experience and feelings towards the person. Theres nothing wrong with it if you find it a turn on yourself. I've been attracted to a couple of them. The problem is when people enter relationships hiding it for years and usually cheating, lying and treating women badly in general because they're jealous of them.

Time40 · 26/07/2019 02:06

*Not all Crossdresser a are over the top AGPs.
Some crossdressers don't do their best or even try to pass.
Some crossdressers just like wearing stockings or undies or heels or all at the same time.
Etc etc

OP, I'd lay out what boundaries you are happy with, if he sticks within them, fantastic, if not then you can take action*

I think this is a very sensible post, and I'd agree with it. There are some nice and sensible cross-dressers - Grayson Perry, for example. He and his wife seem very happy together. It can work.

I'm amazed at all the women who would find it a huge turn-off. What's so awful about it? It's only clothes and make-up. Some men can look absolutely beautiful cross-dressed.

SeaEagle21 · 26/07/2019 02:10

It won't go away - it'll get more and more frequent. It's up to you if you can deal with it. If you move in together he'll likely want to do it with you there. He may be the most wonderful man you've ever met, but this is always going to be part of who he is.

LittleDoll · 26/07/2019 02:15

Time40 it seems to me a lot of the men with wives who cross dress dont really put the effort in. I've seen hairy legs in stockings mentioned. None of the stories on there are like the people I'm close to at all.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 26/07/2019 02:15

Dont walk. Run!!! This fetish will eventually spiral into way more than you bargained for.

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