Boyfriend has admitted to being an occasional cross dresser

[MyFlabberIsAghast]

My boyfriend and I haven't been together that long but we definitely see a future together. However last weekend he admitted to being an occasional cross dresser. He said he doesn't want to do it all the time, isn't a transvestite, doesn't want to be a woman and never does it around his daughter and wouldn't around my DCs.

It's not an absolute deal breaker for me; he said if I hated it he wouldn't do it again because he doesn't want to lose me. But at the same time, I don't quite know how I feel about it.

I have a thing for dressing up in sexy lingerie...it makes me feel way more confident and adventurous...is that wrong too? Because presumably I'm succumbing to the over sexualised image of what a woman 'should' be like?

I honestly still don't know how I feel about this, I want to make us work so the posts saying 'nope dealbreaker for me' aren't helping much. The posts advising on how it 'could' escalate are slightly more helpful, but there does appear to be a sweeping generalisation that all cross dressers are seedy little fetishists and AGPs.

I guess what I was hoping for from this thread was people in a similar situation who had found ways to make it work.

And to whoever said 'don't have kids with this man' we've already got 3 between us but don't plan on having more. That's quite an assumption to make.

Op if its no problem for you knock yourself out. If you are as you say having to find ways around a sexual fetish I would wonder what that actually means for you long term.
You asked for people opinions of it, women are expressing them.

You say you are planning on moving in with him next year but haven't with him long, have kids between you and he's just declared he's a cross dresser? How old are your children?

Unfortunately @MyFlabberIsAghast I think you're getting a lot of GC mumsnetters responding who aren't necessarily going to respond proportionately. My DH has a couple of fetishes which I didn't even realise existed (I too am thoroughly non-fetishy from my own desires, but open to experimentation), and I've engaged to the extent I feel comfortable and no further. There have been a couple of times when a line has been unintentionally crossed and I've said immediately, and he's stopped immediately.

I wouldn't read up on things as other posters have advised if I were you, I would just talk openly with your boyfriend and say what you feel. If you're curious about it, say that, if you don't want to take any part, say so. You can only do this through communication. I thought one PP's arrangement with her husband where he only cross dresses when she's out is interesting and a helpful story to share - you really can be flexible about how this exists in your relationship.

I guess I'm naïve in that I didn't think the transphobia that is rife on MN would shoehorn it's way into here, because to my mind cross dressing as a fetish is nothing to do with transgender individuals. Silly me

For the record, I have no problem with transsexuals or people having sex changes. But I didn't think that was relevant here.

I don't think anyone said anything transphobic. Just suspicion that he isn't telling you the whole story. Sorry it wasn't the answer that you wanted. That is understandable.

What transphobia? I've not seen any on this thread and any that appears on other threads is rapidly zapped.

If you are happy with your bf being a cross dresser then good for you. You asked for opinions and got them.

How old are you children? I may have you mixed up with another poster of a very similar name but I'd say there are a few red flags to this relationship.

For goodness sake, none of the objections some of us have about being in a relationship with a man who fetishizes womanhood is transphobia, give your head a wobble. If you see transphobic posts then report them, they are not tolerated. Women maintaining their own boundaries is not transphobia.

Dressing up as any kind of stereotype for sexual kicks isn’t necessarily ‘wrong’, I don’t think autogynephilia itself is automatically ‘wrong’ - I just would not see it as compatible for me in a sexual and romantic partnership, because of how someone with that paraphilia ultimately views women. It is not the same as indie kids in guyliner (swoon from me on that, btw) or my other half in his swooshy purple skirt kilt, because that really is just clothes/style choice. That really is smashing gender stereotypes. Cross-dressing is not just reinforcing stereotypes, but elevating them, for sexual kicks. I think it’s ok that women, dealing with the shitty end of those stereotypes on a daily basis, reject that if they want to.

And for the record, if we’re doing that, no gender critical women I’ve ever had conversations with have any defacto problem with transsexuals or people having whatever cosmetic surgery they fancy either (humans actually changing sex isn’t possible, we’re not clownfish). I also thought that was irrelevant, but if you’re going to start shouting transphobia, thought I’d better make sure you were properly informed. For the record.

At the end of the day OP you said you didn’t know how you felt, other women have shared their thoughts to help support you. You do you

MyFlabberIsAghast
I don't think people are being transphobic. They're just explaining how it could be that his kicks for dressing as a woman could go beyond cross dressing and towards AGP where the kick is other people playing into it.

Put it this way, to take a different fetish/kink if a man early in a relationship told a woman he was into a little bit of BDSM and that meant he enjoyed a bit of light spanking on occasion, she could:

1. Make a decision about whether BDSM would be a hard no for her and if it's not then she would walk away.
2. Decide she'd be happy if it was a little bit of spanking/light play as disclosed and if that's the extent of it shecould decide to stay if she was happy
3. Think about whether someone in a new relationship was only revealing the more socially accepted side of their kink because there's every chance with increasingly rough sex porn being the norm, some kinks that were far outaide the mainstream are expected bedroom practices
4. She'd also be aware that there's been an increase in the 'sex games gone wrong' cases and she'd probably want to have a full and frank discussion with them about all elements of their kink before taking the relationship further.

When people meet new people in a relationship they put their best face on, everything from personal grooming to tidiness to picking which stories they'll share & the bedroom is part of that. Few people with a more extreme or unusual fetish or kink would come straight out with it. They'd test the water first.

I think you have to decide on your lines and boundaries and have a frank discussion with him. Only then can you make an informed decision.

Find this quite sad tbh. The bf didn't have to tell the op. He could have kept quiet about it like many people with taboo fetishes choose to. The fact that he has been honest about it shows that a) he trusts the op b) he respects her enough to be honest c) he probably sees he relationship going somewhere so he's opening up fully and making himself quite vulnerable in the process. With so many threads about deceit and betrayal I find this quite refreshing but in true MN fashion it seems to have been met with mockery and contempt in some cases which is a shame.

Whether or not the op chooses to embrace it, accept it or decide its dealbreaker is her choice but fair play to the guy for letting her make that choice and not keeping it a secret to come out later down the line.

And for goodness sake as a pp advised you don't read up on anything, just talk to your boyfriend. We can't have women reading things and making their own opinions, goodness knows what would happen.

Its very boring when you explain that it isn't your cup of tea, but hes free to do what he likes - to be met with "you're transphobic" ffs.

There is nothing wrong with Women having boundaries, and not allowing them to be pushed more than what they are comfortable with.

@MyFlabberIsAghast, yes, I am in this position. My husband likes to dress up. Not in a wig or heels, just a nightie or lingerie.
He also says he would stop if I said to, but unfortunately I know this isn't true.
It isn't often.

My exdh (we split up for entirely unrelated issues v long time ago) used to occasionally wear women's knickers to work. And sometimes he'd put on eyeliner.
He may have done more than that when I wasn't around, I don't know, but it didn't bother me.

In more recent years he has starred as the Dame in local panto

@MyFlabberIsAghast i remember you from the dating thread about 4 years ago.

It isnt transphobia to remind you that you are not obliged to overlook any behaviour at all. Clearly it is not really for you and you are conflicted. Concluding that this isnt right for you doesnt make you cold, selfish, "transphobic". It would only make you a person with a clear boundary.

I think the fact that you think there is rife transphobia in mn is worrying. GC on mumsnet is all about women's rights not being handed over to transM2W.

If you infer transphobia from the defence of women's safety and rights then i think you need to value women's rights and women's voices and women's own sexuality!!

Tbh that makes me think that you will silence any voices of doubt about this relationship will be sublimated because you dont feel you have the right ro have a standard.

@MyFlabber you don't seem overly concerned and I predict you will go with the flow - no harm if you want to do that. You can always change your mind. The problem is behaviours like this are deeply ingrained and he won't stop doing it.

Personally it would be the end of the road for me.

So many posters saying "it WILL be more than just clothes". Well yes it COULD be. It could also be exactly what he says it is. Only time will tell!

My partner likes to dress in "women's" clothes. Just every day clothes not "heels/dresses" etc. It isn't a sexual thing, nor does he adopt another persona. To me it's no different to me wearing his football shirts to sleep in or his hoodies etc.

Women who have been through this and come out the other side are not being transphobic.
Men cant have it both ways; either some clothes are gendered or they aren't. If they aren't, why wear them? If they are, why expect your wife to suddenly develop an entirely new sexual orientation?

Been there, done that OP. Started all harmless and minimal then escalated slowly so in the end he was dressing at home, leaving me with the new baby to go out dressed, spending money we didn't have to spare on clothes and wigs and pushing me to let him sleep in satin pj's. He veet'd all his body hair every week, kept his toenails painted etc etc. We've been divorced 5 years. Get out now Op

WaterOffaDucksCrack
Would you describe yourself as occasionally cross dressing when you wear your DP's shirts and hoodies? Probably not. You're just wearing clothes.
When the emo scene was popular, loads of boys bought women's skinny jeans because they were a tighter fit (maybe they paved the way for men's skinny jeans now). They never said they were 'cross dressing'. They just really liked skinny jeans and women's fit was their choice.

If people wear whatever they're comfy in then that's entirely up to them, but then there's no announcement needed about enjoying cross dressing and no secrecy needed.
Maybe i spent too much time around men in eyeliner and womens jeans when I was younger, but the thing that strikes me as different between them and the OP is that those men just chose their clothing choices and that was that, no queer gender theory, no non binary, no statements of cross dressing. The announcement of liking to cross dressing and it being done in secret seems at odds to me with people who are getting on with life wearing whatever clothes they like.

Wearing what you fancy and a man deciding to dress as a woman are two completely different things.

Sounds like you didn't get the answers you were looking for. Sometimes those answers don't come because the idealistic outcome you are searching for are vanishingly rare.

Try and take your emotions out of it. Read through the responses again and then decide it it is the risk you want to take. You already sound completely invested, so I don't imagine you will back out, despite the warnings on here

LolaSmiles my partner doesn't describe it as cross dressing when he does it either so I don't know what you mean. He didn't announce it. And it isn't exactly a secret but he would get abuse for it from family and strangers whereas I don't.

Stonewall defines cross dressers as trans.

WaterOffaDucksCrack
What I mean is that you wear your DP's hoodies and shirts and you don't call it cross dressing.
I wear some of DH's sports clothes and don't call it cross dressing.
When I was younger lots of men in the live music scene wore women's skinny jeans (and I still think that probably paved the way for more variety in menswear cuts), nail varnish and eyeliner and nobody called it cross dressing.
In all of the above, it was just adults making clothing choices they were comfortable and getting on with it. There was no need to call it cross dressing because nobody was 'crossing' anything. They were men and women wearing clothes independent of spurious gender theory.

A man saying he cross dresses seems to be about choosing clothes because they are women's clothing based on stereotypical ideas of womanhood (not as the examples above show, people wearing clothes that fit and they're comfy in regardless of genes stereotypes).