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Original poster

Boyfriend has admitted to being an occasional cross dresser

154 replies

MyFlabberIsAghast · 25/07/2019 19:05

My boyfriend and I haven't been together that long but we definitely see a future together. However last weekend he admitted to being an occasional cross dresser. He said he doesn't want to do it all the time, isn't a transvestite, doesn't want to be a woman and never does it around his daughter and wouldn't around my DCs.

It's not an absolute deal breaker for me; he said if I hated it he wouldn't do it again because he doesn't want to lose me. But at the same time, I don't quite know how I feel about it.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 20:09

Yes the trans widows threads will give you some idea of what may be in store.

Minnie747 · 25/07/2019 20:10

It really surprises me in such a ‘tolerant’ time that people would separate from an otherwise good partner over this. If you have no interest, you partner can surely do it in his own private time (when you’re out or away etc).

If your partner has been honest with you, that’s probably a massive thing to share. It likely says a lot about your relationship.

I mean, it’s literally clothing. Women’s clothing. That’s all.

RLEOM · 25/07/2019 20:12

Would you be comfortable if he wanted to keep his legs shaved and his toenails painted all the time?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 20:13

@Minnie74 no, no it isn't just about wearing women's clothes. It involves a whole female persona to go with the clothes.

shadypines · 25/07/2019 20:14

One positive here is at least he has told you early on. My DH waited 13 yrs to throw the bombshell at me. I thought it didn't matter but looking back on the things he's said I realise that I now never totally trust him.
This is a nagging and crushing feeling. I didn't mind what he was doing so much but the fact he didn't tell me and tried to pull the wool over my eyes.

Just try and talk to him what you are ready and have had time to think. Openess and honesty is the best policy. Good luck to you both.

31RueCambon · 25/07/2019 20:15

A sexual relationship needs to be with a man that turns you on @minnie747

It is not intolerance. It is not judgement. Just tuning back in to yourself and remembering to ask "but does that do it for me ?"
And if the answer is no then it is ok to act on that.

Original poster
MyFlabberIsAghast · 25/07/2019 20:15

@RLEOM honestly no I don't think that would bother me that much. My brother is a very flamboyant gay man and he's also one of my favourite people in the world, so I'm kind of used to that? We'd probably end up doing each other's pedicures except we wouldn't because I'm the most cackhanded person in the world!

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 20:18

Like I said OP, do some reading on this and make an informed choice.

Minnie747 · 25/07/2019 20:20

@31RueCambon yes perhaps I overlooked that. You’re right you have to be sexually compatible.

My point was however more about how people assume it must be more. It doesn’t necessarily have to be more than a sexual/non sexual kick out of the clothing.

Namechangecosyeah · 25/07/2019 20:23

Name changed for obvious reasons.

My DH is an occasional cross dresser. I never see him dressed. He’s never asked me to. He never pushes to take it further than pottering around the house when I’m out. I know this is true as the cctv would capture him leaving, and I can check it any time I wish. If he paints his nails, he removes it before I get home. He’s followed every single one of my conditions to the letter. When he buys stuff it’s charity shop, or cheap eBay. I honestly seldom think about it. I know that my experience is very unlike most people’s, but we’ve been married for 20plus years and it’s honestly not an issue.

If you do decide to accept it, be very very clear on your boundary’s and the first sign of him testing them. Run.

Sexnotgender · 25/07/2019 20:23

AGP = Autogynephile

They get turned on by the thought of themselves as women.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/07/2019 20:24

@RLEOM honestly no I don't think that would bother me that much. My brother is a very flamboyant gay man and he's also one of my favourite people in the world, so I'm kind of used to that? We'd probably end up doing each other's pedicures except we wouldn't because I'm the most cackhanded person in the world!

That is fine for a brother or a best friend or someone to have really fab nights out with. But is it ok for a sexual partner? The thing that turns him on really really doesn’t work for you sexually. (Unless it does obviously.)

31RueCambon · 25/07/2019 20:25

Fair enough. It wouldnt be for me. To me smoking (eg) would be something i could tolerate /get used to in a partner.

Obviously if a male friend told me this id be far more accepting. Just dont want my bf to tell me this!!

CarolDanvers · 25/07/2019 20:27

It's occasional now. It is highly likely it will not continue to be so. If you're ok with that then carry on. If you're not, and I wouldn't be, then I would dump. At least he told you early on so you've the chance to get out.

CarolDanvers · 25/07/2019 20:28

you'd dump someone who otherwise has been the most perfect boyfriend I've ever had over this?

Yes. ASAP.

HollowTalk · 25/07/2019 20:30

Yes, me too! Quicker than ASAP.

Sarcelle · 25/07/2019 20:30

Seriously, who needs it? This is the start, eventually you will be involved in some way. I could not fancy somebody dressed up as a woman. Instant libido killer.

PicsInRed · 25/07/2019 20:32

We'd probably end up doing each other's pedicures

He's not gay and he's not your brother. He's a cross dresser who has a sexual interest in you. His particular fetish requires witnesses, participation and admiration.

You wouldn't do each other's pedicures. You'd end up doing his pedicure and providing endless admiration at how amazing he looks, so much better than you, so pretty, wow.

He's minimised his fetish and the degree of absorption it will involve - both from him and from you. Involvement with this man guarantees a complicated future for you and any children you may have. Think very carefully about whether you really want that life or you are just FOMO about the great guy you had and sunk-cost-fallacy-ing about the time you've already invested in this relationship.

He has feelings and worth. He deserves a future. But so do you. You also matter. You also deserve a happy future. Make sure your choice doesn't prioritise his happiness and wants over your own happiness and needs.

Sorryisntgoodenough · 25/07/2019 20:36

I'd imagine that he's told you a palatable version to get you on board. More will develop as you become more committed

^ this

LittleKitty1985 · 25/07/2019 20:38

Wow, some real overreactions on here. It's just a fetish!

It probably took a lot of courage to admit this to you, so good for him - I think that honesty implies that you have a great relationship. Have you shared your own secret fantasies with him too?

Ragwort · 25/07/2019 20:39

I think he is probably sounding you out & would hope you would be more accepting of this, where I live there is a married couple & the DH now always dresses as a woman when they are out and about. Allegedly he waited until he retired & then started wearing women’s clothing all the time. They are both late 70s/80s & the wife always seems hideously embarrassed & barely speaks but he is incredibly flamboyant about it all. Their children have disowned them both. It can’t be easy for any of them.

I couldn’t accept that.

CatalogueUniverse · 25/07/2019 20:41

It’s not just clothing or it wouldn’t be called cross dressing. It would be called his clothes. Like women wearing clothes they bought in the men’s department that get put on whenever.

It’s a sexual fetish. Based on items associated with femininity. He’s not casually shrugging on clothing bought in the women’s department and going about his usual business. He’s dressing up in private.

Entirely up to you whether you are on board with it or not, but it would be worth considering where you would draw a line and keep it to yourself where the line is.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 20:42

It's not all about the honesty. AGP's get turned on by their partners knowing about their particular paraphilia, and their participation.

CarolDanvers · 25/07/2019 20:50

Wow, some real overreactions on here. It's just a fetish!

God I wish this trend for publicising, normalising and trying to force others to accept your sexual fetish, no matter what it is, would cease! Most people want to have sex with the person of their choice in the way that they like and that's FINE with a few notable exceptions, just do it in PRIVATE.

Cwenthryth · 25/07/2019 21:23

I mean, it’s literally clothing. Women’s clothing. That’s all.

The thing is, invariably, it’s not. I’d have no problem with my partner wearing “women’s” clothes as an everyday matter of course just because he prefers them. Actually in summer my (masculine, beardy, no Scottish ancestry) DP will often wear a purple kilt just because he likes it. It really is just clothing, worn out and about and not a hidden fetish.

However cross-dressing as a sexual fetish is not just wearing clothes. There’s a sexual thrill in crossing a supposed taboo. It is fetishising the idea of ‘woman’ - a hypersexualised, pornified, Male-gaze idea of ‘woman’ - and being sexually aroused by visualising oneself as this hypersexualised stereotype, and ultimately by that vision being validated by others. That’s autogynephilia.

As an actual living, breathing, bleeding woman, not a hypersexualised stereotype in a man’s head, I personally find autogynephilia a pretty offensive fetish and not one that I would be able to accept in a sexual and romantic partner - I could not tolerate the knowledge that ultimately, no matter what they claimed, what they said to justify their fetish or how nice they seemed, they did not see women as full human beings, but as a concept they can use for their own sexual gratification.