Boyfriend has admitted to being an occasional cross dresser

[MyFlabberIsAghast]

My boyfriend and I haven't been together that long but we definitely see a future together. However last weekend he admitted to being an occasional cross dresser. He said he doesn't want to do it all the time, isn't a transvestite, doesn't want to be a woman and never does it around his daughter and wouldn't around my DCs.

It's not an absolute deal breaker for me; he said if I hated it he wouldn't do it again because he doesn't want to lose me. But at the same time, I don't quite know how I feel about it.

Given it’s a newish relationship I’d be out of there quick. I would find it unappealing, and it would definitely colour my view of him, I would also wonder what else he’s going to confess to down the track. No thanks.

This is why I don't post on these threads much. No matter how well you say you know your own relationship, no matter how happy and well balanced your partnership is because your DH cross dresses you are told that he IS a narc, you're kidding yourself, just wait and see. You are judged for not being revolted at the thought of a man in a dress. I don't judge people who have a half dressed firemen with a kitten poster but they would judge me for having one with Tim Curry in full Rocky get up.
OP it brings strong feelings in people as you've probably twigged, good luck in whichever decision you make.

I think you should see how it pans out and make your own decision, not let yourself be influenced by what others think of this.

I think we all know how this ends

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a male person wearing clothes that our sexist society regards as belonging to the female sex.

It's good that he doesn't see it as an identity thing and doesn't expect to "become" a woman. However there still could be some concerns. I think I would be actually more concerned rather than less about him saying he wouldn't ever do it around kids. That suggests it's more about being a sexual fetish rather than just liking the clothes. Whilst having a fetish isn't a deal breaker it is worth examining the attitude behind it. I would be surprised if it was possible to have this fetish without also having some sexist attitudes to what womanhood means. It's those attitudes that need examining closely.

LillithsFamiliar

A cross-dresser sees wearing women's clothing as a secret, as something transgressive. It's an absolutely regressive approach.

I believe crossdressers do it in secret because they fear the reactions of people when they find out, as evidenced on this thread.

Imagine a young man reading this thread. Imagine he likes dresses. Do you think this thread would make him feel confident and able to stick a dress on and pop to Tesco? Or do you think the attitudes on display here would make him withdraw and keep things secret?
(I know a young lad probably isnt going to see this thread, I'm just using it as an example)

If clothes are just fabric and had no gender attached, the sexualisation of that fabric would vanish. But to accuse a man that like dresses of being less than a man, or repulsive etc because they don't fit into the man stereotype, just reinforces stereotype, reinforces hiding things, reinforces the sexualisation and sends a clear message that he is wrong to feel that way. All of which push him to find acceptance somewhere, anywhere.. and who will accept him? And who will encourage him? an understanding and accepting society? Or TRAs,? AGPs?

Or at least thats my take on it, admittedly that take is limited to my own experiences.

OP needs to make an INFORMED decision though - she seems unaware of the possible escalation. She may well be being 'groomed' to gradually accept the worst manifestations. She needs to keep her eyes wide open and not sleepwalk into something she has little experience of.

Imagine a young man reading this thread. Imagine he likes dresses. Do you think this thread would make him feel confident and able to stick a dress on and pop to Tesco?

Nobody should be getting their rocks off in Tesco.

Monkey I see your point but if the man didn't see the clothing as gendered then he wouldn't say he was a cross-dresser. He'd just be someone who wore clothes (like everyone else!).
If OP's post had been, I'm dating a man who wears eyeliner, nail polish, earrings and wore a dress to work today, I think the responses would have been different. For one, it removes the control/permission/secrecy aspect that can easily feed into manipulation. It removes the man seeing clothing as gendered and transgressive.

Agreed. Why is it that we suddenly have to accept and embrace everyone's (men's) fetishes and 'kinks'? How has it become connected with the LGBT movement and involved with pride? It's gross.

You say , you don't think it would completely repel you as long as you are not asked to get more involved in it. Tbh he has said he will stop if it pleases you, but as it is a part of who he is, I very much doubt he would be able to without it affecting him in some way.
Personally I think it's a good thing he has told you early on, he has given you a choice . You can either walk away, or I should imagine occasionally seeing him as his alter ego.
We were in a garden centre cafe and saw a couple man/woman in their 60s, who were sat there as two women enjoying afternoon tea, it was obvious but no-one was bothered, and imo why should they.
Your decision is you just get on with life and see how it goes, or if you can't cope with any expectations , let him go.
We can't decide that for you.

Double standards..
Women wear man's clothes, fine and dandy.
Man wears women's clothes, evil, sick, pervert, men should be men, abusive, fetishist, AGP so on and so on.

nobody is saying that men shouldnt be sensitive, like pink and glitter, etc.

When David Beckham threw on a sarong, he wasnt trying to wear womens clothing - he was wearing something that was cool and practical in a hot tropical country.

however there is alot more in 'womens clothing' than simple practicality and comfort - the reason women would choose 'men's' clothes. High heels, tight skirts, strapped up underwear, stockings - these things are neither practical nor comfortable and have a level of disadvantage to women - they are part of the costume of subjugation - they are required by the patriarchy to keep women in a way that appeals to men.
So taking on the trappings of subjugation as a fetish is about viewing women as an object for the male gaze, and a costume that can be worn by imagining yourself in the submissive role.

Its why it is not acceptable for us to appropriate the culture of those we oppressed.

Spot on Nettle

Total dealbreaker and goodbye from me.

Well said, Nettle.

You've got the wrong end of the stick, Monkey. There's nothing wrong with sticking two fingers up to gender stereotypes but this guy isn't nipping down to Tesco for a pint of milk going about his normal day in a pink top because he's comfortable in himself, he wants a seedy set up where he can get sexual thrills from putting himself in the shoes of a woman (which is only possible quite literally) and getting off on misogynistic ideas of what it looks and feels like to be a woman, whilst expecting actual women to not only be ok with it but to pander to it.

What is it with men getting turned on by looking like a terrible, weird version of a female?
Gross.
I have no time for men having a fetish like this. I actually find it creepy and misogynistic. It's like they want to emulate their mummies or something just as creepy.

Yep.

where I live there is a married couple & the DH now always dresses as a woman when they are out and about. Allegedly he waited until he retired & then started wearing women’s clothing all the time. They are both late 70s/80s & the wife always seems hideously embarrassed & barely speaks but he is incredibly flamboyant about it all. Their children have disowned them both. It can’t be easy for any of them.

That’s so sad. I couldn’t imagine disowning my parents over that. How awful of their children.

Monkey, you are not getting the issue.

If the OP's boyfriend stuck an m & s frock on to go to work and that's what he wanted to do because its pra tical for him, then that's up to him.

I highly doubt his dressing up in women's clothes is to do with breaking down stereotypes. It's more to do with sexual kicks.

My brother is a very flamboyant gay man and he's also one of my favourite people in the world

What does that have to do with your sexual partner wanting to dress in feminine clothing? You don't know yet if he is an occasional cross dresser or an autogynephile, and at this stage there is no way to tell.
Have a look at the trans widow threads before you sling around accusations about prejudice.
Think very carefully before you have kids with this man. Having children makes it harder for women to leave when things go wrong.

I caught my ex husband dressed in my pants and bra once. The thing is, he didn't choose the black cotton high legs and t-shirt bras that I wore every single day, he chose an overtly 'sexy' set that he had once bought me and I never wore (I'm a fan of comfort!). I think that said more about what he was up to than the fact that he had been in my knicker drawer. It wasn't anything to do with why we split up, but it did make me think.

I would tread carefully here, sure he seems like a nice guy but the fact that he's told you this now suggests an element of 'easing you in gently' and before you know it you could be involved in something which makes you very unhappy.

I'm no Jordan fan, but I'm reminded of her situation with a cross dressing bloke. From what I understand, that all escalated much faster and further than she was willing to accept.

I love the way people think this is is all a brave new world type of thing. Was anyone around in the nineties, Adam ant, even guns n roses, pretty much every rock group I listened to had men dressing in traditionally feminine clothes. That was progressive that was challenging gender roles. Wanking in women's underwear not so much.
I know some people think it makes them special but pretty much every woman in my college fancied those type of men.
How dare people use imaginary 'poor boys reading this thread' to guilt us into thinking it's progressive. It's not.

It would be a deal breaker for me, especially so early on in the relationship.

I would find it a turn off and wouldn't want to know about it (which will be a big part of his life that i wouldn't want anything to do with) even if he did it once a month, while i was out etc.

Hes free to do what he likes, im free to say, Er no thanks.

If he wants to wear some stereotypically female clothing then I'd say knock himself out. David Beckham wore a sarong and people moved on. Emo and goth guys wear make up and people got on with it just fine. I had male friends at university who had their nails painted. Nobody cared. Make up marketed at masculine men is increasingly occurring and people get on with it

I'd even probably say if he was interest in drag acts then fair enough. People have done the whole pantomime same thing for years. It's performance.

The red flag for me is the dressing as a woman in private, probably for sexual thrills. I'd also guess that during cross dressing it isn't a case of skinny jeans and a tank top, but is dress, high heels, sparkles and a very narrow sexualised version of femininity. For such a new relationship I would imagine what he has shared so far is a tamer version to test the waters a little. I don't think I'd waste my time on the relationship given it's so new.