Can hear neighbours next door and feel like there’s a huge gap in my life

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I’ve posted before about this and have NC in the past. I hope it is ok to post about this again.

Today has been so nice. I’ve hung out my washing and cleaned the house, had my tanning done and my nails, sat in the garden reading my book and drank wine with friends.

All day I have been thinking I wish I had a family. I wish I had a child to pop into the paddling pool and buy ice cream for. I can hear my neighbours playing with their kids, parents chatting about whether they can afford a holiday. I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with, totally and utterly lonely.

What’s the point? I don’t even need this money, I have no kids to care for or think of. No husband to buy a birthday present for.

It’s my birthday in a few days. Again I will be sitting with family feeling like something is missing...my own family.

I feel so shit. Has anyone got any words of advice? I guess i am just looking for a kind word or maybe a kick up the backside to put things in perspective. I know nobody can say anything much to change it, so I hope i is ok to post.

Just feeling rubbish and like there’s a massive gap in my life.

Hi OP, I remember you from your previous posting. You sound lovely, lonely and sad. Just from my perspective, I’ve got what you haven’t, 2 small children, a DH, etc,etc. The truth of the matter is it’s bloody, fucking HARD work. I have had to sacrifice my career, ( own my own business) sacrificed my mental health, my house is a bomb site because we are too busy/ tired to clean up throughly everyday after we finally get the kids to bed and it massively affects my MH( I have ADD so need structure and calmness to feel okay) relationship with DH has never been worse, my DD insists on sleeping with us, we haven’t had sex in 3 months. The strain kids put on marriage is unbelievable, they are all time consuming and you never know what personality they are going to have. My DS is lovely but has slight SN which keeps him at the very bottom of his class, my DD is sharp but incredibly demanding and spends most of the time screaming if she doesn’t get her own way. Families/children are hard HARD work and TBH you are looking at it through rose tinted glasses. Wishing you all the best though, for what it’s worth, I’d kill to be in your shoes.

35 isn’t old at all OP

Op I think you need to make a decision on what you will regret the most if it doesn’t happen. If it is not having a child then look into conceiving via sperm donation. I know many pp’s have said you are still young but (and I’m sorry if this sounds rather brutal but it is the truth) nobody knows what your fertility status is. Leaving pregnancy to your late 30’s or into your 40’s is a risk as fertility deteriorates markedly during this time. Yes you will always hear success stories - I am one of them - but it doesn’t always happen and very nearly didn’t for me as I left it so late. Think carefully about what your priority is and if having a child is top of the list then work on that first. You can still pursue hobbies, interests, OLD while doing so but don’t miss out on having children just because you can’t find a partner yet.

I have read the posts that advise you of the horrors of having children and to value the life you currently have but I don’t think that is helpful as I’m sure you already realise that life is never always roses round the door but you feel you are missing out on something and I get that and can completely understand why you want to pursue it. Good luck to you I hope you achieve what you are looking for.

I’ll admit I haven’t RTFT but the bits I saw seem to suggest you want a child more than you want a partner. Have you considered fostering, adoption or using a spent donor?
If you want the whole family, get out there. It’s easier said than done but you’re only 35! That is still young. I had my first child at 30 and I can promise you I would never have wanted to do it any younger because it is HARD work. I think 30s are the perfect time to have a family - you’re old enough to know who you are and what you want, and to give that confidence to your kids.
Good luck OP.

As I pressed ‘post’ I thought ‘why do I never preview?’
Spent should be sperm, obviously.

35 is not past it op. I had my 3rd child at 38 and would have happily had a pregnancy up to about 45 if required ☺
Look, you are settled financially so now go out there and meet someone. Singles activity holidays sound good and you can meet a nice bunch of potential partners whilst in a relaxing environment.

Totally feel for you. I have a husband and two kids, but when I was 26/27 years old I felt very lonely, unloved and worried that I would end up on my own. Then I met my husband and happily got married. But after 15 years now I look back as a housewife, I wish I was less self-pity back then, I wish I was more focused on my career, and I really miss the freedom being single and the passion I used to have for my work and hobbies. I have two girlfriends who are single in their 40s (at top of her career) and 50s (retired and travelling the world). I am sure they envy my ordinary housewife life, but sometimes I envy theirs.

Bless you. I’ve been trying to get a long term fulfilling relationship for years and sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen for me. I’ve been on my own for 17 years, I’ve had relationships but nothing longer than 2.5 years. I do have four children though. Have you considered having a child on your own? Not ideal and can get really lonely and feel like a thankless task but also emmensely rewarding. I know exactly how you feel even though I know my kids love me but having a partner who chooses to love you is different.

I wasted my 20's and half my 30's, married, had 3 kids. Divorced at 35, raised my 3 with no support. Hard,hard work. I am now in my 50's, kids all gone, I had no time nor energy to get a good career( train, study etc) so I have resorted to office type jobs with minimal pay and have no savings. After years of struggling with the whole online dating scene, ( some right weirdos out there for sure, no denying it) I finally met a lovely man at the tender age of 49! He was not my 'type', there was no instant spark yet now I couldnt be without him. Keep going. Stay positive, and know that things happen when you least expect them to. Hope your birthday is fab! PS. I know plenty women who had kids in their 40's and if anything, they make for much better, more sensible Mums. X

I love the honesty of your post, so I'm going to be honest too. You're not too old, but you're definitely cutting it fine. I had my 3 kids when I was 20, 35 & 39. Work and study was the delaying factor between my 1st & 2nd kids. Also, unfortunately healthy and successful conception doesn't always happen when you want it to. I always knew I wanted more kids after my 1st but personally wouldn't want to go it alone or in poverty. I also didn't want to be pregnant past 40 and we luckily had our last child when I was 39. It was and still is very hard work, both when I was 20 & currently but we wouldn't be without them. I've worked since I was 14 and went into Higher Education/Uni when my eldest was 4. I was grateful and content to not have had anymore after my 1st, as I had my 1st realitively young and motherhood felt extra tough due to also studying and working. In hindsight, it wasn't too bad as I was young (more energy than now) and they were an easy/laid back child & has always loved to sleep like me 🙂
Although, we were blessed with all 3 sleeping throughout the night from the age of 3 months, our last two kids (4 & 8) are loud and our 8yr old is up at the crack of dawn 🙁

35 is still young. Can you have an adventure? Could you take a year off work and go travelling? You need to find a way to radically shake up your life -- take up new hobbies and interests, meet new people. Life will not come to you. You need to go out and grab it. Lots of people meet their life partner in their late thirties or beyond. You need to find something in life that excites you, pushes you out of your comfort zone. You sound like you're just getting through the days, and that isn't enough.

I agree with the previous poster who said you need to think about why you will only date men who earn as much or more than your high salary. People are so much more than their pay packet.

“I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with”

Why not try a matchmaker service? I would love to try it but can't afford it. They do all the screening for you - so could make sure a potential partner has the same career/ finance/ outlook as you.

OLD is a numbers game, but a matchmaker will cut to the chase! Maybe worth a try?

I also don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be with someone who earns at least as much as you.

I had an ex who earned less than me who turned out to completely take the piss out of my generosity.

Never again. I want a level playing field. I also want to go the theatre/ restaurant/holiday without having to pay for 2. Every. Single. Time.

Grass is always greener on the other side!

My mum earnt way more than my dad (as he works in the arts). He did more of the childcare, all of the school runs, the admin and a lot of work on our houses, which they therefore made profits from. So it probably equalled out in the end and they have been happily married for 30 years. It does seem odd to rule someone out because they earn less to me. As long as they are willing to contribute in different ways/ as much as they can.

Matchmaker sounds like a great idea!
Step 1: make your life fun and exciting
Step 2: register with matchmaker
Step 3: relax and enjoy life while they work away behind the scenes.

I met my husband in work and we were engaged a year after we got together. It sounds really quick now but at the time it just felt right. And a good indicator was that our families were thrilled, no one saw it as fast.

We were married a year after that, baby a year after that. And now 5 years down the line we are still happy, with no regrets. I only thought about how quick it was when someone referred to her as a 'honeymoon baby'.

My point with that story is that there's plenty of time for you to meet someone and have a baby it that's what you'd like.

You're only 35 and you've got your job and home sorted. You can enjoy your own company. You sound brilliant.

Absolutely right you shouldn't force it with people from OLD. But at some point you'll find your someone and it will be like that for you, the clicking etc. Whether that's on OLD or elsewhere.

Ironically when I met my now husband I had given up entirely on dating. Moved into a lovely flat which was just for me and was enjoying living alone. I think that cliche about not finding love when you're really looking is sometimes true.