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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can hear neighbours next door and feel like there’s a huge gap in my life

193 replies

TrafficJamz · 25/07/2019 18:50

I’ve posted before about this and have NC in the past. I hope it is ok to post about this again.

Today has been so nice. I’ve hung out my washing and cleaned the house, had my tanning done and my nails, sat in the garden reading my book and drank wine with friends.

All day I have been thinking I wish I had a family. I wish I had a child to pop into the paddling pool and buy ice cream for. I can hear my neighbours playing with their kids, parents chatting about whether they can afford a holiday. I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with, totally and utterly lonely.

What’s the point? I don’t even need this money, I have no kids to care for or think of. No husband to buy a birthday present for.

It’s my birthday in a few days. Again I will be sitting with family feeling like something is missing...my own family.

I feel so shit. Has anyone got any words of advice? I guess i am just looking for a kind word or maybe a kick up the backside to put things in perspective. I know nobody can say anything much to change it, so I hope i is ok to post.

Just feeling rubbish and like there’s a massive gap in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrafficJamz · 25/07/2019 19:34

Sunshine your post just made my cry! In the good way and in the sad way! You sound lovely

OP posts:
SarfE4sticated · 25/07/2019 19:34

Can you try and meet people through a hobby? It sounds like you might be a bit bored maybe? Can you do some volunteering and meet some new friends?
Sounds like you need some passion and excitement in your life, and it doesn't have to come from a man - could be painting, music, dog walking, pub quiz, college course, volunteer reading at a school.

DrDetriment · 25/07/2019 19:35

I understand the loneliness. 35 is still young though and there is lots of time. Just make sure you aren't writing someone off after one date. I was ten years older than you in exactly the same position when I had a date, thought ok not amazing but I'll give him another chance. A year on and I'm now meeting his kids and am part of a wonderful family I didn't think I'd have. Have a lovely birthday and remember you could still have all those things.

Original poster
TrafficJamz · 25/07/2019 19:36

Boronarionstreet thanks for your post. It made me smile (not sure if that was the intention!) I am idealising it I suppose because I don’t have it. I also really enjoy time to myself so I expect I would in reality find parenting hard

OP posts:
georgialondon · 25/07/2019 19:36

It's honestly just a numbers game. Do internet dating and keep meeting people.

urbanlife · 25/07/2019 19:39

I'd have a family on my own, you will enjoy it just as much and if you meet Mr Right he can slot in. Maybe waiting for the fairytale is the wrong approach, and doesn't really exist in the sense of the word.

Far better to have a little family of your own, than to hold for your whole life. That would be my choice anyway. Would love a baby all to myself!!!!

RosaWaiting · 25/07/2019 19:39

“I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with”

I don’t usually say this kind of thing but there’s something to be thankful for.

DameFanny · 25/07/2019 19:39

OP - might you be gay? Could that be why you've never clicked with a man?

Sarahandco · 25/07/2019 19:40

You are still young enough to meet someone and have a family.

It is not the point, but there is probably someone looking over your fence and thinking "I wish I could sit in my garden and read a book with a nice glass of wine"

Enjoy what you have until you meet the right person, you still have time xx

RosaWaiting · 25/07/2019 19:40

You sound like a good candidate for fostering btw, they’re always looking for those in my area.

BoronationStreet · 25/07/2019 19:41

Happy to help OP. Wink

Like right now I'm trying to type this comment and my DS keeps grabbing my face and saying "it's a lorry mommy, it's a lorry". Over and over and OVER. Seriously he's done it about 7 times in the course of me typing this.

Also, it's not even a lorry on TV, it's a van.

willloman · 25/07/2019 19:41

Fill the gap with things you love to do! Find out what really makes you tick and what you find exciting in the world. When you find that you will find your tribe which may or may not include a fellow and some wee bairns...

WobblingWilma · 25/07/2019 19:42

OP, do you have friends?

I am single, but have a really strong network of friends and an equally strong social life. I can see having a family might be enjoyable, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything, I've just got something else instead.

I never really decided not to have a family. There have been men around in my life, but I've never really gone out of my way to look for a long term relationship. I am disabled, which isn't a reason not to have kids, but does mean I would need to plan for some of the practicalities, and then in my late teens I discovered I have a few endocrine problems which put my fertility into question. So I never made it a priority.

I'm 42 now so the combination of my age and the other factors mean it's very unlikely I will now have children but, as I say, I have a different lifestyle now.

I'm not someone who can't understand why people do have children, I can, but it's not something that happened for me and I have found other things to do with my life instead.

My friends are key, and I have a number of interests.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 25/07/2019 19:43

Ah listen. I totally get it. That kind of nonlinear peaks about that age, because you’ve established yourself in other ways. I was the Sam. So was my sister. I remember her breaking down in tears at a baby shower, saying when will it be be why not me... it seemed everyone was dropping like flies around us (getting married, having babies)...

And then... I met someone. She met someone at 39! They have a 1 year old baby now, I completely remember that feeling as you describe it. You’ve still got it all to play for - keep trucking xxx

brassbrass · 25/07/2019 19:44

Don't give up OP. And as Sunshine said the grass isn't always greener whatever life deals you. Enjoy your time and financial freedom in parallel to waiting for your dream of a family to come true. 35 is still young and full of possibilities!! Happy Birthday in advance!

Pipandmum · 25/07/2019 19:44

I met my husband at 39 through a dating agency (not online). I had two children in my 40s. Sadly my husband died after 8 years together. So I have my kids, I have a house, I have friends but no partner. But though I’d like to have someone who loves me and to partner through life, I’m fine. I’m not lonely or depressed. I have lots of interests.
I put myself out of my comfort zone to meet my husband, and put myself out there to make friends after he died.
Pursue your interests and passions. Do not see family as the only fulfilling thing in life.

SouthernComforts · 25/07/2019 19:44

DameFanny - that crossed my mind too. Have you ever felt a spark with a guy OP? You could be barking up the wrong tree Grin

maddiemookins16mum · 25/07/2019 19:45

Let me tell you a little story.
Me, 36, single, two cats, nice flat, great job. ALONE, very alone. Hadn’t had sex in 13 years, no boyfriend, nada. Felt hugely pissed off, surrounded by nephews and neices, all my friends were settled, married and raising childre.
Me 39, met someone (at a pub quiz).
40th birthday, naice holiday in Madeira, too much vino was consumed.
41st birthday, I was wiping baby sick off my neck with a 3 month old daughter.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 25/07/2019 19:45

Omg my typos I’m sorry!

GeorgeTheFirst · 25/07/2019 19:45

I don't know, OP. I mean, if you really want a man, keep trying, plenty of people find someone at much older ages than you are. But you are enough on your own. You can be happy and successful. It sounds as though you already are!

Bunnylady53 · 25/07/2019 19:46

I met DH through online dating at 35 & we were married just over a year later. Unfortunately we weren’t able to have DC naturally but adopted DD. I wish you happiness & hope you will soon have what you long for 💐💐

maddiemookins16mum · 25/07/2019 19:46

I never thought it would happen, honestly I really never thought it would happen.
But it can Op.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 25/07/2019 19:47

@maddiemookins16mum Grin almost the same as me, and similar age!

OnlineAlienator · 25/07/2019 19:48

There's still time! Tbh, husbands are unreliable when it comes to parenting anyway, why not go down the platonic co-parenting route?

Turquoisesea · 25/07/2019 19:51

I think it’s easy to look at other people’s lives and feel envious. When I read your post I thought how I would love your life. I have a DH and 2 DCs, my DS who is 14 and has ASD has just spent an hour screaming at me as I dared to turn off the Wi-fi on his XBox. I know other people with partners & DCs can be happy, but parenting isn’t at all like a pampers advert, it can be absolutely awful too at times. I do love my DCs but I would be lying if I didn’t say my DS especially has pushed me to my limit at times. That being said, you are still young and there’s still time for you to meet someone & have a family. I really envy my single child free friends at times as the thought of having any time to myself right now would be bliss!