Can hear neighbours next door and feel like there’s a huge gap in my life

[TrafficJamz]

I’ve posted before about this and have NC in the past. I hope it is ok to post about this again.

Today has been so nice. I’ve hung out my washing and cleaned the house, had my tanning done and my nails, sat in the garden reading my book and drank wine with friends.

All day I have been thinking I wish I had a family. I wish I had a child to pop into the paddling pool and buy ice cream for. I can hear my neighbours playing with their kids, parents chatting about whether they can afford a holiday. I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with, totally and utterly lonely.

What’s the point? I don’t even need this money, I have no kids to care for or think of. No husband to buy a birthday present for.

It’s my birthday in a few days. Again I will be sitting with family feeling like something is missing...my own family.

I feel so shit. Has anyone got any words of advice? I guess i am just looking for a kind word or maybe a kick up the backside to put things in perspective. I know nobody can say anything much to change it, so I hope i is ok to post.

Just feeling rubbish and like there’s a massive gap in my life.

I think it helps to make finding a partner a priority. It takes a lot of work and hard graft!

Sometimes you are lucky and just through work it happens, but for women 35, I’d encourage you to take your future into your own hands and throw yourself into:

Online dating apps
Meet ups
Activities where men you’d maybe like are at - so think say running clubs rather than yoga - unless you want a man into yoga. In which case...

It’s a numbers game. Make friends with lots of different groups of people, and your circle will widen.

Good luck! Had a kid at 42 but it took me a good few years of doing all of the above.

Sounds like you are rejecting people you meet by either not screening them properly beforehand or maybe you are being unwittingly over critical. A lot of people do on line dating and either fall for the first person they meet, or just can't stop looking because they want perfection. Maybe you are doing this?

I'm 55 and met a guy I really hit it off with straight away. He's not perfect (no one is!), but we have a lot of common history, which gives us a deep connection. I would recommend books by Relate, as they help you see where you are going wrong. Good luck xx

You can be sure that, at least sometimes, they will be envying you, too

Having a family often looks amazing from the outside but the reality can be quite a shock (parents don’t tend to talk about the realities because misery loves company and all that). The loss of freedom/identity, less disposable income, the drudgery, lack of sleep, living every moment of your life for someone else, negative impact on career, your body and your relationships (women still take on the brunt of the child rearing etc)!

In my experience nothing comes close to the bliss of a life without children! I don’t understand how anyone would sacrifice what I have for a life with kids!

I understand people offering the OP encouragement but the reality of the situation is that it is hard to find someone. I have several friends i’ve known for over 10 years now. The eldest is now 50, the youngest is now 40. All lovely women, attractive, good careers, own homes etc. Only one has met someone and had a child. The rest are all still single and childless. Giving the OP hope that the “right” man is out there just waiting for her to find him is only giving her one side of the coin. The other is that she may not meet anyone or have children.

So OP, you need to decide what you want your life to be without a man. If you do meet someone, all well and good. But you might not. So you need a back up plan. I know my post isn’t as sympathetic as the others but I think it’s more realistic.

If having a child is what you really want, more than having a partner, I'd strongly consider doing it alone.

I had my son at 40. Met my partner at 39. But you sound like you want a child way more than a partner. That’s ok. Adopt and enjoy.

I am quite a bit older than you but know where you are coming from.
I am single with no children. I have a comfortable life, home and good holidays...............but there is no one to come home to, no one to chat about the day etc.
Life can be tough whatever hand you are delt.
There are no easy answers. In the past i tried the online dating/agency's etc but nothing clicked. I have found it very hard to be on my own and felt as you describe on too many occasions to remember!
I think you can find a personal peace but its not easy. How to fill time and feel useful in the community will vary for us all.
I wish you luck and I do hope things work out for you. Please remember happiness is not guaranteed by a husband and children and can be found without them.
Best wishes

Its your hormones speaking. Your life is not pointless without a family, and having a family doesnt make you feel fulfilled.

WobblingWilma

OP, do you have friends?

I am single, but have a really strong network of friends and an equally strong social life. I can see having a family might be enjoyable, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything, I've just got something else instead.

I never really decided not to have a family. There have been men around in my life, but I've never really gone out of my way to look for a long term relationship. I am disabled, which isn't a reason not to have kids, but does mean I would need to plan for some of the practicalities, and then in my late teens I discovered I have a few endocrine problems which put my fertility into question. So I never made it a priority.

I'm 42 now so the combination of my age and the other factors mean it's very unlikely I will now have children but, as I say, I have a different lifestyle now.

I'm not someone who can't understand why people do have children, I can, but it's not something that happened for me and I have found other things to do with my life instead.

My friends are key, and I have a number of interests.

Well now you say you are 42..... I’m 45 annnnnnd expecting my 2nd child 20 years after the first!
The father doesn’t want it, believe it or not we slept together once.... my child is shocked to the core, but, I’m absolutely thrilled to bits to be having a miracle menopausal surprise, i know I’m going to be single but this is my moment and fuck me im going to embrace it!

No my love, you're still young!! Have you ever properly fallen in love? Even as a teenager or in your 20s? What qualities make you fancy someone? If you're financially secure, then you're in the perfect position to look for someone regardless of their status in life or income. Do be open to surprises. I know so many people who have found their match in late 30s early 40s,but I think online and dating is not be all end all. Do some traveling, go see gigs of bands you like, be a little bit carefree! You're still young. Enjoy it and this time in your life of no responsibility. Find other single friends to hang out with. It will happen x

but there is no one to come home to, no one to chat about the day etc

People with DC can also face that. They grow up and move out. I work from home so don’t “come home” as such! But I spend many many hours by myself. I had DC young and their dad died many years ago (although we had split before that) and I never met anyone decent that I wanted to share my life with. So now it’s just me. Sometimes it makes me a bit sad. But I’ve found ways to be happy with the life that I have. One of those ways was letting go of thinking Mr Right, or even “Mr ok he’ll do” was around the corner. It’s wasted energy to pin your future happiness on meeting the right man.

Your feelings are valid and it's OK to be lonely. I was totally single for about 2 years, tried dating sites, nothing clicked. I was out celebrating my 35th birthday, met a friend of a friend and by the time I was 36 I was married. I'm 40 now and expecting our third child. There's still time to meet someone and have a family. It will probably happen when you're busy doing something else. And when it does, you'll be so grateful for your year's of freedom and drinking wine in the garden first!

Hi! Have you thought about fostering a child? My friend's parents did it and they looked after children from the age of newborn to late teens. Some were permanently fostered, others came every weekend. This may fill this void.

Hi TrafficJamz,

I found the reply by EvaHarknessRose really interesting.
I initially read your post fleetingly as "Can hear neighbours next door and feel like there’s a huge gap in my fence..."!
You seem genuinely nice but easily bored.
We all feel the way you're feeling today sometimes; as others have recommended please do focus on your achievements rather than the things which are yet to happen for you.
I happen to be single, financially responsible (most recent Experian score 996 out of 999!) and all that goes with it. So, 1) do you like dogs? and 2) how would feel about inviting me to be your plus-one to the family meal on your birthday (in the style of a '90s romcom)?

I married at 38, had dd at 41.

My cousin married at 40 and 20 years later has 3 children.

You think you're too old, but you aren't. Do something different, join a choir, sign up for some classes you're interested in, join a book or cinema club; something you wouldn't normally consider. You'll meet different types of people.

OP your life sounds lovely - however you have seriously put the 'goo-goo eye' on yourself - I predict a wedding and/or baby soon. I had mine at 40 after thinking - nope it'll never happen.

*Caveat : To echo PP - it's not all its cracked up to be at times - but all things being equal I'm glad I have a child - even gladder I binned her dad.
Best of luck for the future!

At least you have friends.

The last thing I would do would be to settle with a man that's not right op.

That being said... I think earns as much as you should be lower down on your list than physical attraction, kind, makes you laugh etc.

If you want to have a baby it's much nicer to try to conceive with someone you really wanna bone, than someone with good career prospects.

Happy Birthday to you OP!
First of all, I have lots of friends who have just had their first child around 40. Yes some struggled, but I've known plenty of 20 somethings struggle too. 35 is not over the hill yet
I have two small children who I love dearly but truthfully I really miss, and I mean really really miss, my pre children life. My career feels like it's on hold, currently navigating flexible working requests to fit around commute and childcare, and generally life me can be a struggle. Which is embarrassing for me to say as we have plenty of money and on the surface it all looks great. We have very little family support and I think that makes it all very hard.
Anyway, I'm waffling, but I would say having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be. Enjoy being able to do things with your family, they are still YOUR family! Have a lovely evening. Xx

Have you thought about/looked into fostering or adopting if you want children?

Oh OP don’t be envious. It’s a waste.

The way I see it, either way, with or without a partner in life, there are highs and lows. With a partner I think the highs are a little higher, and the lows a little lower. It’s more an even keel when you’re single.

I was older when I had kids and never really clicked with someone til I met my H. We’re 20 years together now, and no one can piss me off more than he can but we still rub along very nicely. I have a friend who’s in the throes of early love and I do miss those heady days. You, in all probability have those heady days to look forward to. Like others I miss my single childfree life (of course I absolutely ADORE the kids but I do sometime even ache for my single days.

I suppose what I’m saying is - try and enjoy what you have now, it will change in some way. At 35 it is so incredibly unlikely you’ll never meet anyone. I understand the ache, but something will come along to fill it. Honestly. It’s the cycle of life.

I am currently 38+3 days pregnant and last Sunday had a small bump in car so went in to get checked. Everything was fine but they wanted to do an growth scan as the measurement was less than my midwife had recorded on last visit. We went in for growth scan to discover baby breech despite midwife saying she was head down. We’d gone for a private scan at 34weeks where they said she was breech but when I told midwife she said she must have turned as she wasn’t but to me she is still in the same position she was then so she’s been like this a while!

I opted for an ECV on Wednesday but it didn’t work so got another one next week when I’ll be 39+2.

This is my first so I’m told very unlikely she will move on her own . I didn’t want a section really more so the aftermath but obviously don’t want to put baby or myself through unnecessary risk and looks like she must just be comfy this way !

I think I’m starting to get my head round more than likely be a section at this late stage but has anyone else been the same and the baby moved?

I met and married my husband then had my little boy, between 37 and 42.
Id been happy with my life before, but I’d just reached a point where I was ready to give up an (unashamedly) selfish life of parties and holidays. As soon as I made the decision and had that focus, everything seem to slot into place. You don’t need a man to have a baby either, but I think it makes life easier (if you have a decent one).
You’ll get a lot of responses about appreciating your freedom and holidays etc. There are moments in my life when I envy that.
However, may be you have moved on from your life as it is now and want other things. Having a child has made my life so much more fulfilled than before.
Xx

You sound like an absolutely lovely person. I hope you find someone to love and care for you and that you have the children you so desperately want. There is still time. You are relatively young. Best wishes.