Can hear neighbours next door and feel like there’s a huge gap in my life

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I’ve posted before about this and have NC in the past. I hope it is ok to post about this again.

Today has been so nice. I’ve hung out my washing and cleaned the house, had my tanning done and my nails, sat in the garden reading my book and drank wine with friends.

All day I have been thinking I wish I had a family. I wish I had a child to pop into the paddling pool and buy ice cream for. I can hear my neighbours playing with their kids, parents chatting about whether they can afford a holiday. I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with, totally and utterly lonely.

What’s the point? I don’t even need this money, I have no kids to care for or think of. No husband to buy a birthday present for.

It’s my birthday in a few days. Again I will be sitting with family feeling like something is missing...my own family.

I feel so shit. Has anyone got any words of advice? I guess i am just looking for a kind word or maybe a kick up the backside to put things in perspective. I know nobody can say anything much to change it, so I hope i is ok to post.

Just feeling rubbish and like there’s a massive gap in my life.

4 months was a good try then. I think physical attraction is important. Not much you can do if you don't fancy someone. Regarding the other two, I think it is very important to talk stuff out. Sometimes attitudes can change, both ways a bit. If someone is snappy, you can talk it out sometimes. So, don't give up, but most relationships are works in progress.

I worked with a woman who found herself in a similar situation. She was sick of waiting for the 'right' person and wanted children. So she had ivf with donor sperm and now is busy and happy with twins!

Just to add shes met.someone since, so theres no rules saying it has to be in the traditional order!

Oh and all this "oh there is still time" inspirational crap is not helpful. You don't need anyone. You've got to find happiness in what you have and stop fretting about what you don't.

I love my DS to bits but I'd love to be single and carefree again. I dream about it, I really do.

You've got to find your confidence and step out of your comfort zone. Be bold, be assertive, embrace your youth (35 is young), your success, and start enjoying life.

Don't wait for what you want to come to you. Go get it.

Please don’t give up with the dating. Your post could have described me exactly and I was on the cusp of giving up as I’d met plenty of men on line who I got on well with but there was no spark and I just didn’t click with them. A friend of mine gave me a kick up the backside when I was about to cancel another online date at the last minute and said I must attend even if for a short while as it would be incredibly rude to cancel at such short notice. That date three weeks before my 36th Birthday is now my husband of five years and two months ago I gave birth to our beautiful baby daughter at the grand old age of 42. It does happen and I honestly never thought it would for me. Stay positive, I’m sure that you will end up with everything you hope for.

Start getting out of yr comfort zone.

I did this when i felt stagnant lonely and to be frank, recently dumped AGAIN.
Date yrslf.
I literally gave the fuck up on meeting somebody. Joined all sorts of things. Not to meet a man. Just my genuine interests. Travel somewhere on yr own.

I wish you lived near me I have two single Male close friends in their early 40’s who are fed up of not finding someone who want to settle down.

I met DH at 36. DD at 38 and DS at 40. You said the last relationship was physical, feminist and snappy. Well, I’m NOT suggesting you just ‘settle’ (bloody hate that word) but DH isn’t exactly front line feminist but we’ve worked on that and his opinions have melded with mine very well. I didn’t ever want to rip his clothes off but that came with a lot of time and a deeper connection and has led to an overall much better physical relationship than the previous ones which were all style and no substance. I can’t help with the snappy!

Just saying don’t always expect a massive spark. The relationships I’ve had like that have turned out to be crap.

I have every faith you’ll find someone.

Yes. Agree with the grass is not always greener, just a different shade of green! I have two DCs, one with ADHD, one super shy and super awkward. They’re 17 and 15, I’m 53 and sitting in the garden on my own; they are in their rooms. They are both highly challenging and I would love to be free enough to go travelling, have fun etc etc. I know it can be lonely, but it can be very lonely as a single mum as well. Not that I don’t love them but my life is very far from the perfect idyll.

I'd never heard of platonic co-parenting until I read this thread.
It sounds like an interesting idea for all the people who are in the same situation as the OP.

Mumsnet taught me about it and i honestly think its a decent option! Parenting + romance dont always go together, in all honesty, why do we link them? I think all the reasons are probably out of date now! And yeah, i married someone i loved with all my being and planned our child and it still all went wrong - im basically platonically co parenting with that dude now like many people do...why not just skip the heartbreak part?

So many people seem to just click with someone and that’s it!

You sound just like my DD! shes a lovely girl really is, tall slim model girl looks around your age to but finding the right man?. I oft wonder if ever there will be a man good enough sometimes!

OP please try to enjoy what you have right now and don’t focus too much on what you don’t have. Parenthood is amazing and I love it but it is challenging and it creates as many problems and worries as it solves.
I met my DH in my thirties. Married at 35, DS1 at 36, DS2 at 38. I’m now 40 and contemplating a third. I’m exhausted, poorer, can’t make decisions based on what I want, self care is at the bottom of my list, being a professional and mum is a massive struggle and I’m torn between commitments all the time. And I just want a full night’s sleep! But I can’t lie and tell you it isn’t all worth it.
I think if I was in your position I would probably decide what was more important to me. If children, then consider doing it alone. If partner, then wait. I wouldn’t have had children alone, but now that I’ve had them, with hindsight, I think it wouldn’t have been as tough as I thought.
I couldn’t be in a relationship without spark or chemistry. Having children tests even the strongest relationships. I personally wouldn’t have settled for someone I didn’t feel aligned with.
But everyone is different and I have had friends who have done it alone and they are very happy.

At least you have your independence and freedom to make your own choices. From reading a lot of posts here there seem to be a lot of unhappy people who are trapped in realtionships due to money issues and children.

I'm in a similar place to you although i'm 39 and realise now i will never have children. My time of choosing and deciding has long gone and that's actually mostly fine. Enjoy what you have right now and embrace it because what i've learned from life is that things can change pretty damn fast. Just enjoy NOW as much as you can and you will find your happy place.

OP, what do you like to do? What do you enjoy doing on your spare time? What are your interests?

Perhaps you miss people who "click" because you don't meet people with the same interests. I have this problem when I'm "mum dating". Meet loads of very nice mums, we have coffee, a pleasant chat, but it's very rare to "click" and make a real good friend.

I suppose the same happens to people who are dating.

What do you work with?

Try to find more about yourself, your interests and so on, and look for your "tribe". At least that's where I would look for a relationship.

Bloody hell, think of the positives. You had a nice day today drinking wine with friends, tanning and having your nails done. Well, you won’t easily be able to do that with kids!!

Look at all the sad stories if useless men on the relationships board here. Now don’t you feel lucky??

And I think you have a Rose-tinted view of life with young kids. Have you spent time with kids?

The paddling pool scenario: you’d have to wrestle them into their cozzie, put swim nappy on, make sure water was the right temperature, stop them eating grass and spiders or pushing their sibling under the water ... no t8me for relaxing, really there’s not.

The grass is always greener, eh?

What’s wrong with the men you’ve been dating? Why are none worth a second date? What are you looking for? Perfection doesn’t exist...

God id just go for it.

Either using donor sperm or by other means, just do it. Life's far too short to wish it away.........you want a family ? It sounds like it's time to make your own.

OP - someone upthread said this but it's very true and helped me when I was single and sad (I'm married now with kids..) - you only need to be right with/ for one person.

It can feel so unlikely when you meet so many people that are wrong - but it only has to be right once.

Also - I hate all the 'just enjoy being single ' crap - if you want to meet someone THAT IS OKAY! own it - be happy that you know what you want. It's the first step to making it happen.

You're definitely not too late. I met DH at 34, married at 36, DS at 40.

What do you want? We often think some people ‘have it all’, but really we don’t know how those people feel and if you stop comparing yourself to others and just focus on what you want and how you can get it maybe things will become easier. Do you want children? Can you live happily without children? If you want your life to go in a different direction and present more opportunities to you you need to be more pro active, put yourself out there, shake up your routine, be brave.

It's not uncommon to keep meeting men that don't make it to a second date. I've just looked at my contact list and currently have 5 female friends who are in the same boat as OP. Not for lack of trying. I think the whole OLD thing is like marmite it either works immediately for someone or they just end up with a string of blah experiences.

All lovely fun successful women with loads to offer. I expect the men are also out there feeling the same but it seems harder to meet those men!

Really, it’s not too late at all.
I didn’t meet my husband until I was 35 on a blind date set up by a mutual friend. I’ve now got two lovely children. I would have preferred to have children younger, but I wasted years and years with a man who didn’t want to marry me in the end. Don’t despair, but also try not to assume the grass is always greener. My sister never married or had children and I think that she enjoys the lifestyle that she has.

Honestly op it's not all it's cracked up to be, if I didn't have dd or dh I would be spending more time on myself, I would be doing things for me and being entirely selfish. Some days I dream of being alone.

Is it better for your child to have just you - and presumably a loving extended family - or go through the likely divorce if you rush into marrying someone just because you want a baby, and get passed between two parents who don't get on?

I got married at 36, partly, I realise now, because I wanted a family so much. We split up a short time later as he was not the man I thought and bad things happened. I'm now having a baby on my own at almost 38 and I am so happy. My child will be born into a stable home with no arguments and a mother who isn't stressed about maintaining a weak relationship. And it will have an adoring extended family who are all way more involved than they would have been if my ex had been around.

I know which I think is better for my baby any day of the week. You only have to read some of the threads on here to realise that having a child with someone that you don't have a really great relationship with is way more difficult and painful than doing it alone. You sound like an independent person with decent finances and a good support network. And without the pressure of time you could actually find someone wonderful later on who is a permanent and stable fixture in your child's life.

I really wouldn't worry about dating after having a child, you might not want to straight away and of course you don't bring every Tom Dick and Harry home but so many parents are single and dating these days it has become quite normal for children.

I really would consider it OP, I do not miss having a partner at all, I think I am way happier doing it on my own so far and you'd be surprised the amount of married friends that have quietly told me they think I've got the right idea.

And to echo others, you do have time anyway. It might be worth doing a fertility MOT to check out quite how much, they only cost a couple of hundred quid. for you, I know what it is like I really do, I was you a year or 18 months ago. And now I am the happiest I've ever been.

I understand how you feel.

I was engaged before 30 and it didn't work out but now, at 35, I feel acutely aware that my life isn't where I thought it would be.

I have a (loving) boyfriend, but he doesn't have the sense of urgency about things that I do, and I've accepted that if this doesn't work out I'm likely to be without a family. I have no siblings or parents so sometimes I feel really isolated.

Firstly, keep dating. You never know what may happen/ who you may meet
Secondly, fill your life with other things.
Finally, your friends will let you down

My 36 year old DS told me he has given up on dating and reckons he will never meet the "right" one. He has had several long term relationships but it never seems quite "right".
It is a shame he is a kind caring person who would make a brilliant Dad, his nephews and godson adore him, like the Op he has his own home, is solvent and to the outside, he appears to have a great single life.
Op I don't know what the answer is??