Can hear neighbours next door and feel like there’s a huge gap in my life

[TrafficJamz]

I’ve posted before about this and have NC in the past. I hope it is ok to post about this again.

Today has been so nice. I’ve hung out my washing and cleaned the house, had my tanning done and my nails, sat in the garden reading my book and drank wine with friends.

All day I have been thinking I wish I had a family. I wish I had a child to pop into the paddling pool and buy ice cream for. I can hear my neighbours playing with their kids, parents chatting about whether they can afford a holiday. I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with, totally and utterly lonely.

What’s the point? I don’t even need this money, I have no kids to care for or think of. No husband to buy a birthday present for.

It’s my birthday in a few days. Again I will be sitting with family feeling like something is missing...my own family.

I feel so shit. Has anyone got any words of advice? I guess i am just looking for a kind word or maybe a kick up the backside to put things in perspective. I know nobody can say anything much to change it, so I hope i is ok to post.

Just feeling rubbish and like there’s a massive gap in my life.

Traffic jams
Ever thought of fostering or supporting a child as a mentor? I know you want the whole package but perhaps offering some of your time will help in some way.

I have met the love of my life at 36, kisses a lot of frogs & then it just was .. he was right for me & I for him ..
Have faith in yourself ,
Your happy ever after is out there x

OP, I had my first child at 39. Very happily married for 25 years. You still have time.

Op a friend of mine had twin boys at 45. Met her now husband just a few years earlier.

Oh bless you OP. I’ve not read the whole thread but just wanted to offer some words of support. Like you, I “gave up” and felt a lot of those emotions - just wanting a family really. I met my (now DH) at 36 when I thought there was no hope. Met online and now happily married with a baby and planning a second. Get yourself out there and don’t give up - it is achievable - just be open minded

As part of my job I help very well paid youngish (usually) career men and woman find flash apartments to live in. I go round all these posh properties in city centres and usually know what salary they are on.
I’m in my late 40s and happily married with a house in the burbs with a dog, cats, 2 dc etc and I’m happy BUT when I see a young woman in her late 20s move to an apartment in Manchester City centre overlooking Harvey Nichols who earns a huge amount of £ and has no commitments and has moved halfway across the world I regret my life choices
So OP, people want what you have and you want what they have

Op, my heart goes out to you because I was in exactly the same position at 35, single, and desperate for a husband and kids.
I adopted two dds at 40 but to be honest I don’t know if I’d recommend adoption. They were very badly damaged, very challenging, and ten years on both have lots of behavioural and emotional issues. Some adoptions are more straightforward and successful than others, and ours has been just about as hard as it gets.
As for the posters suggesting you foster, you’d have to give up work and it sounds as if work is quite important to you.
As well as the various ways to meet a man, which I won’t advise on as I never managed it, you could consider sponsoring a child abroad, doing a few shoeboxes for the Operation Christmas Child annual appeal, or getting a dog or a cat. I know none of these are the same as having your own child, but sponsorship or shoeboxes can make such a difference to a child’s life, and a dog or a cat is always pleased to see you when you come home. If you have a dog though and work full time you’d need to look into doggy day care, and with a cat maybe get a couple to keep each other company.

I would really consider having a baby alone if you know you absolutely def want children and can afford it. Then you have all the time in the world to find someone, and not like you have to settle.

I'm a single mum in my late twenties and feel very free compared to my friends trying to find someone to settle down. Having a baby has taken away the strong desire I felt before to find someone. I'm not dating and don't plan on starting for the foreseeable future.

The only thing I would ask is is it really that important that they are as financially your equal? If they are working hard and into their job, do their earnings matter so much?

(I probably say that because in my fields of work you can be extremely successful career wise and not be earning very much).

I think it’s pointless telling someone who longs for her own family that parenting is hard and not all it’s cracked up to be and how we envy her the freedom and money she’s got. All that might be true but be honest, however trying our kids are most of us would not swop. I had a child when I was 40 and desperately wanted another but it was not to be. Knowing how fertility declines in your 30 ‘s and even more rapidly in your 40’s I advised my niece when she was 30 and single to think about getting some eggs frozen if she wanted a family and hadn’t met anyone by her mid thirties. I wish I had. She met someone shortly afterwards. They are both totally loved up and getting married very soon so not necessary but I still think it was good advice.

Please don't foster to fill a fucking void.

I was fostered to give the cheating spouse something to do. Fucked up my life big time.

I agree. MN seems to be full of older mothers encouraging people like the OP that she has “years” left to have children. There’s another thread going on right now on a similar theme. I had 2 kids in my early 20s. Got pregnant again at 38 and it was ectopic and then never fell pregnant again, despite not using contraception for the next 5 years and having sex almost daily (not ttc, just contraception issues). Let’s not pretend 35 is 25 because it’s not. OP I am not trying to be harsh. I’m just providing some balance on the “it’s all rainbows and so easy” theme that’s common here.

Going to be honest. My life felt empty before I had my DS. Now I crave alone time and he’s not even a difficult child. It can be hard and I sometimes miss my old life but would I go back, no.

You’re still young. It will happen for you. Enjoy you’re free life while you still have it!

It took me seven years to conceive on my oldest so know exactly what that longing for a child is like. Yes parenting is hard even with a partner put it is also so rewarding. You can do it on your own, me and she split up for a while and I managed fine on my own and I only had one child so much easier, I could never do it on my own with the two of them now. My sister had no luck on the dating scene until I told her to try e-harmony, she has now been with her so two years and is planing her wedding.

OP, i think you're being shortsighted. You only want a man who makes or exceeds your very good income. No matter his other good qualities?

Many educated men just don't make great salaries. They aren't users or looking for a sugar mummy.

My ds is a young adult who matched all of your requirements except the money.

He's handsome, kind, smart, athletic, adventurous, ambitious and a good and loyal person who will love someone as well as his father loves me. He wants a wife and children too. (I'm aware of his numerous bad points, but no need to mention them here. His sister confirmed that he's attractive from experiences when they go out together, he's not a mouthbreathing mummy's boy)

But he doesn't even try to date bc he's just beginning his career and he says, "women want me to make more than them, even though we are even in age and job status. How am I supposed to be a super human mythical person who magically makes more than them?"

So. You've actually made your choice; you value money over a marriage/relationship.

Idk if my ds will ever equal you in his money, but I do know that his father has been an excellent dh and father and I expect he will be the same.

Many men are good people who aren't tops in income.

My son is obviously younger than you are looking for but I think that what he says is probably applicable to men your age too.

You're clinging to an old fashioned ideal in a world where women are attending school and competing in jobs. In fact, women are often hired over men.

Nobody ticks every box and what annoys you before marriage annoys you 2000xs more after the wedding. But maybe you could open up your parameters a little bit?

Think about it?

Awww I’m a bit late to reply to this thread but hang in there. I met my now husband at 38. We were trying for a baby for and after 4 rounds of IVF our little boy was born when I was 46. He is 19 months old now and the joy of our lives and I thought none of it would ever happen when I was in my earlier 30’s. I just took each night out and each terrible date as an opportunity to meet some one. It only takes one lovely man. Hang on in there and believe it will happen for you. Good luck xxxx

As the song says, ‘ If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.’

There is no Mr Perfect. They don’t exist. Find someone nice and solvent with a proper job and work at it. Many arranged marriages work like this and most marriages in the old days were arranged and practical. Obviously, avoid Mr Collins, but don’t expect Mr Darcy because Elizabeth has bagged him.

Firstly OP here’s a hug because you sound like you need one. I could have written this a few years ago. I was desperately sad due to a relationship breakdown and never ever thought I’d be capable of falling in love again. I also didn’t think I’d ever have DC.

I now have a baby and am very much in love. My life over the past 7 years was a complete cluster and then suddenly everything fell into place.

I haven’t ever really done the online thing - it’s just not for me. I met my DP through work and networking. Is this something you could explore?

Finding Mr Right is not easy, I have many friends in their mid to early 40s who want children or partners and are just not having much luck. Is there a shortage of eligible men?
I, wanted desperately to have children. So, when I accidentally met someone through work in my thirties, I didn’t want to waste time. Something was there but I didn’t quite know what...I think it was physical attraction but in so many ways, we were opposites and still are to some degree. He’d just come out of a 13 year relationship; didn’t want to get married; didn’t want to have children. I wonder now why I didn’t walk away. But, I didn’t and we got married when I was 36, first DS at 38 and second at 40.

We both say that we’d never have fallen for each other if we’d met in our twenties! I guess what I’m trying to say, is that we are changing all the time, we are different people through our life experiences, and the people that touch our lives. OP - If there is a little something you see in a man that you think you could build on then take the leap of faith; there are no guarantees in life.

That said, there does need to be a little spark to begin with and kindness, honesty etc for a good foundation. But please don’t think one man will hold all the qualities you dream of. I wish I could have told some of my friends not to be so choosy.

Good luck and happy birthday

Don’t think that at 35 you are “too old” - I met my H when I was 22 but for many reasons, we didn’t get married for many years and I was 37 when we did. I thought I was “too old” but we decided to try and luckily had our DC when I had just turned 40. I know people who have their first well into their 40’s now. I was an older mum but honestly, I have never felt awkward because of it. Most people accept you for who you are and not how old you are.
Keep looking for “Mr Right” and good luck finding him :)

I know some people are lucky and conceive into their forties but many do not. All the lovely stories about success in conceiving later in life will not help if she is one of the unlucky ones. I recently heard a fertility specialist on television say that she suspects many older mothers, particularly the celebrities we tend to hear about may well be using donor eggs. Fertility dips massively in your forties as I found to my cost. I’m not trying to upset OP . I feel for her but there’s no point in pretending that age isn’t a massive issue in conceiving. Considering taking steps to deal with that fact is sensible.

I'd definitely do it by myself! Take control and do what you want! You'll never regret it. I've knoen people who have (via clinics) and they've said it's the best thing they've ever done.

Hi OP I left a 10 yr relationship at 33 because he didn’t want children. I then met my husband at 35 and had my son at 37 & my daughter at 38! I wish I’d had at least another one child now too!
Push yourself out of your comfort zone and start something new. Meet different types of people and don’t write people off. You might be surprised at a whole new chapter in your life opening up.

Happy birthday - everyone has different advice based on their experiences & feelings. As you asked I’m going to advise you to pursue hobbies & things you love - that’s your best chance of finding someone with similar interests.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.

I do understand how you feel as I was like that a few years ago.
I now have a lot of amazing friends. I would like a man and kids, but I dont need them. I spend free time with friends, go to events with them, spend my birthday with them.
The key is about living a life, not whether a man and kids are part of it.
This August I'm going glamping with one friend at a music festival, going to a wedding with one as my plus one and going on a city break with another.
I'd suggest instead of dating and focusing on men, go to some community activities and meet people to spend time with. I spend time with friends of a variety of ages and marital statuses.
It will improve your life I promise x