Can hear neighbours next door and feel like there’s a huge gap in my life

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I’ve posted before about this and have NC in the past. I hope it is ok to post about this again.

Today has been so nice. I’ve hung out my washing and cleaned the house, had my tanning done and my nails, sat in the garden reading my book and drank wine with friends.

All day I have been thinking I wish I had a family. I wish I had a child to pop into the paddling pool and buy ice cream for. I can hear my neighbours playing with their kids, parents chatting about whether they can afford a holiday. I’m sitting in my beautiful home, with enough money to do what I want with, totally and utterly lonely.

What’s the point? I don’t even need this money, I have no kids to care for or think of. No husband to buy a birthday present for.

It’s my birthday in a few days. Again I will be sitting with family feeling like something is missing...my own family.

I feel so shit. Has anyone got any words of advice? I guess i am just looking for a kind word or maybe a kick up the backside to put things in perspective. I know nobody can say anything much to change it, so I hope i is ok to post.

Just feeling rubbish and like there’s a massive gap in my life.

For you @Pipandmum

I think some of the posts on here are quite patronising- you want a partner and you want kids, that's fine! Having a child isn't some nightmare you should be wary of because you can sit in the sun and drink wine instead, how odd that posters would suggest that! I have kids and can sit and drink wine in the sun on the weekends and in the evening occasionally midweek because my DH is playing in the paddling pool with them- they just go naked and the water gets cold etc but they don't care! They're kids, they love it! It's perfectly normal to long for a family unit.
So- keep on with the dating. Do OL dating, join a gym or club you're interested in. 2 of my friends met the men they went on to marry and have a child with in one case in their early/ mid 30's. One of my friends is 39 and at the beginning of this year met her partner after volunteering with lifeboat volunteering. Because they're both financially set and know it's 'right' because of their life experiences they're marrying this summer and are trying already. One of my OLD friends was going on a date every other day going here there and everywhere, wine tasting, bar openings, lido swimming (!), she went to a driving range on a first date despite having never been before, a football match with someone who got corporate last minute box tickets. If you want it you should at least give it a good go, for some it falls into their laps but for others it doesn't!

Maybe you should house swap with me. My neighbours have a young family with 3 children. All I hear from 5.30am until 9pm is shouting, crying, doors slamming, more yelling and screaming. That's mum, dad and children all shouting at each other pretty much non-stop.

A couple of days here would soon put you off and make you grateful for the peaceful, free life you have.

I had my first after 35 - you have plenty of time! But I am more interested in finding you a husband first. What are you looking for? What is your wishlist?! Be honest - and then the wise women of mumsnet (not me as I am not very wise) will tell you what it is all about and what (if anything) to do next...

That’s not too late! It’s sad you think you are only 34 and have given up! Get out! Date. Meet someone. Go out w friends etc. My sister got divorced at 35. They had no kids. A year later she met her future husband. Within 6 months they were engaged. Another 6 married and now two kids. When you are older things move fast, if you meet the right person who also wants to settle down. Now focus on yourself and make yourself available and attractive. Make an effort w makeup, clothes and hair. Go out w friends. Join some dating sites. My friend met her now fiancé on a dating site. They just got engaged and she just turned 36! Don’t give up! Many women meet their partners after 35 and have babies 38 or 40.

I can 100% understand you wanting to have a partner to share your life with, but your view of parenthood is waaaaay too rose-tinted. The reality is nothing like you imagine. There are moments of loveliness and the older your DC get the more reasonable they are, but your dreams of 'popping a little one in the paddling pool', give me strength! I've just spent the past hour emptying the fucking paddling pool with a bucket and using the water to water my poor, parched plants, then cleaning it out with Dettol and acres of kitchen roll, because after being full of water for three days it had a nice, reddish bacterial slime all over the bottom. DS2 has, admittedly, had fun in it, but setting it up and filling it and then emptying it again and drying it and putting it away takes FAR longer than you could possibly imagine.

Keep dating if you want to meet someone, but be realistic about what having DC is really like. There are loads of posts on here, mum blogs and even books on the subject. Reading a few of them might make you enjoy your peaceful life just a teensy bit more!

If you really want a child, you don't need to find a man. You can just have one on your own. Looking for Mr Good Enough is like looking for a needle in a haystack, there aren't enough good men to go around, especially when you get to 34. If you really want a family you can just have one on your own. I'm a single parent, I love it.

I do dread putting the paddling pool up though. It's hot and sweaty and requires far too much effort. And every year you need to buy a new one, they don't seem to last 5 minutes.

I think I have replied to one of your other threads. Lots of people gave great advice but you didn’t really want to take it? If it’s you.

You are single, you can afford to go out, can afford to travel so do it, you don’t need someone to do it with, you won’t meet people sat in your garden listening to what other people are up too.

I’m single but I have 2 children with sn’s, I can’t just go on holiday, can’t just go out and socialise, sometimes the children make me feel so trapped. If I was single without kids I would travel, would happily go alone.

My heart goes out to you. I have a couple of friends who were in this boat at your age but have now met people, one with a baby on the way. Both of them moved, funnily enough. I think it was that thing of shaking up your world, making changes. So perhaps think about what you'd like to achieve or do just for you in the next year, try to do a few different things, prioritise yourself over dating. Good luck

I have kids and can sit and drink wine in the sun on the weekends and in the evening occasionally midweek because my DH is playing in the paddling pool with them-

I find that patronising personally. Not all of us are lucky enough to have met that special someone.

I had the family that OP wishes for, but lost it after the relationship broke down and had to go through the pain of cancelling our wedding.

Hardest thing I've been through in my life, and am now a single parent which again is so bloody hard and comments like that aren't helpful.

OP I get where you're coming from but as other posters have said, having children is a lot different in reality to how you perceive it to be!

And echo you don't actually need a man to form the family bond you seem to be after, in fact after my experience life would be a lot easier without one involved!

You're still young, and time is on your side... live life to the full whether that's through dating, making new friends, or looking more into the donor route. You sound like you'd make a great mum

A different version of the ‘she met someone after 35’ story.

My friend was you. She went travelling and met a guy and they have settled down and had three kids. He’s a nice guy, he is skilled and earns good money. He shares childcare and chores, as much as most guys. But she doesn’t like her life, doesn’t fancy her husband much, is fairly ambivalent to her kids and escapes into fantasies in her head. Despite being all she ever wanted to have the family, the husband, the friends, the nice house - she’s not happy. I’m not saying this is you, but I’m saying that in another life you might be sitting in the garden wishing you weren’t married and didn’t have kids. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way today, and I hope its not long lasting, and that you can find ways to enjoy your life in a deeper way. You honestly have more than you know.

Personally, I tend to find someone more (or less) physically attractive based on his personality. So my advice is that someone seems like a good on paper match, but doesn't knock your socks of physically, meet him and see how it goes. You might find that you like him more than you thought.

Have you asked your friends to fix you up? They may know someone who might be a good fit.

If you want a baby, I think you should have one. I know it's not ideal, but I wouldn't miss out on motherhood if I wanted it because the situation wasn't ideal.

I do have a friend who met a guy two years ago, when she was 38, and got married last year at 39. They are trying for a baby now. So it's not impossible.

Have you thought about counselling? I don't mean this in any negative way (you sound very sorted and like you've achieved a lot) but I had great problems meeting someone until I had counselling to resolve some issues I didn't acknowledge were barriers to meeting someone. I was discounting people who were right and going for others for reasons which were deeply entrenched but unhelpful.

It had 2 benefits, I felt a lot more content in my existing life and I found someone who'd I'd previously not considered for a variety of reasons but he turned out to be awesome. I'm pretty happy. It's not sunshine and flowers but it's good.

At 35 I was still living with my parents, before I was 36 I had met someone, got engaged, bought a house & was getting ready to get married, I got married age 36 & gave birth to my son when I was 6 weeks off my 38th birthday. All because I went out one friday night with my friends, I nearly stayed in that night. I'm divorced now but it shows you how quickly things can change, don't give up.

How long were you married for Nat6999 if you don't mind me asking?

Ok. So haven't read the thread but...

Age 34 this was me. Sitting in a gorgeous house, flash car on the driveway, amazing kitchen etc etc. No one to enjoy it but me (and a partner who was never ever there) I walked out on him and moved to a new area, new fresh start etc.

It sounds so ridiculously corny but you are not going to meet anyone new unless you DO something new. For me, it was travelling across the world to Australia on a Flying Fish course. New people, new ideas etc etc. Totally jacked my job in and just went for it.

Given you've said you have money, you clearly have money to SAVE so get saving.

Fast forward 2 years after doing that, and I met my now DH and had kids aged 39 and 40.

I am 100% certain if I had stayed with previous partner (who by the way was lovely, just it was never going to end with a family so may as well have been single in my mind) I would STILL be sat in stunning house feeling completely pointless.

For things to change, you need to MAKE CHANGE. Do something radical.

flyingfishsailing.com.au/sail-academy/gap-year/watersports-gap-year/

ps no age limit on these gap year type courses...only last 6-8 weeks but oh my, the experience!!! I wasn't the oldest at the time, there was a couple in their 40's.

If you are not meeting anyone interesting through work, I would start a hobby - just not zumba, one where you are more likely to meet men.

Much easier to meet people you have things in common with, no pressure, and when you click you can start dating them.

And keep dating, you never know. It can happen, so why not to you.

Unlucky I'm sorry to hear that you found my post patronising- my point was that OP had stated that she doesn't just want a kid to chuck into a paddling pool. She longs for a family unit and she should look for that rather than a sperm donor. My DH works away sometimes so obviously sitting in the sun drinking wine isn't my life! He could leave, die or anything and I could and would look after my children. My point was aimed at the posters who were telling OP she'd be much better off sitting in the sun drinking wine when she clearly wants more than that and telling her kids would ruin her life!

I had my baby an only child at 38 and married his father at 45. I had a very busy career until then with a lovely house etc. I totally understand how you are feeling but if you haven’t met anybody you need to consider doing something very different as it sounds to me as if you might be in a bit of a rut . Hugs x

Unluckyinlove2019 I was married for nearly 8 years, we didn't have the best start, my then husband was diagnosed with MS when I was 8 months pregnant, we had only been married 15 months, my then husband changed after diagnosis, he became nasty both emotionally & physically, it took me 6 years to pluck up courage to leave him.1

In the nicest possible way, you sound as if your life is very dull when it needn’t be, OP — you presumably had a day off today and you say yourself that money isn’t a problem, and spent it cleaning, hanging out laundry and getting your nails and ‘tanning’ done. Why? Would you hanker less after a family if your life now was more interesting?

The key is to appreciate what you have right now, and be happy in yourself. Things can change in the blink of an eye and you might meet someone tomorrow, who knows what is round the corner. Do things that bring you joy in the meantime. Also I second the suggestion if counselling.

I was single for 12 years (except for a few short flings), never found anyone I connected with. I now realise I was putting sub conscious barriers up. I did a lot of work on myself and became truly happy with my life. I joined a new sports club aged 35, became friendly with a man, got together at 36. I'm now 40 and we have a 1yo.

Sounds a bit of a cliché I know but working on my barriers and hang ups really made the difference I believe

I have been told many times that I don’t need to have a man in my life. That if I have friends, a hobby, join a club, get to learn to be on my own, I will be fine.

The truth is that I have lots of friends, do not like clubs (find them too artificial) and hobbies, hobbies, I am not the kind of woman who feels her life is complete by doing macrame, go to drawing classes and all that shit. I am fiercely independent so I don’t need anyone to come and save me or protect me, I know how to be on my own. I don’t need a man but I like having one in my life. So if that is what you want go out and try to find him, do different things that take you out of your usual social circle, get into OLD, whatever. If you don’t go out and find him, he is never going to find you.

I split from my husband at 37, I see that point as the start of my this-is-who-I-am life.
To be honest, it is really easy to find someone at 35 because there are a lot of people trying to settle down or, as it was the case with me, lots of newly divorced people that are feeling as lonely as you are.

I met a lot of people, before I settled for one, but to be honest, the vast majority of men I met were lovely, educated and self sufficient so if I had not found Mr Perfect, Mr Right was just standing next to him.

Now... about feeling the spark, clicking, etc... I have always found it fascinating how the older we are the more we demand love at first sight. For what is worth I didn’t feel attracted to my exhusband or my partner on first sight, I felt in love with them when I got to know them better and could appreciate and admire a lot of their qualities. So don’t dismiss people you don’t feel attracted to immediately, most people are so nervous in the first day they are not really themselves. So if you can see “friends” material, see them again, as that can turn into something else.

Best of luck.

Op what are you looking for in a partner?