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Relationships

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Original poster

New BF Has Kids and Calls Them And His Ex 'Family'

168 replies

Dellin · 24/07/2019 13:00

I've recently started dating a wonderful man with two lovely children (I don't have any).

I understand that he needs to have a relationship with his ex because of their children - they have joint custody (he has them 5 days a week, she has them 2 due to work commitments) but regularly he has over over to his house for dinner for what he calls 'family dinners' - this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children etc...

However it hurts that he considers and refers to the four of them as a family, a unit.

I know he's not with her, I know that their relationship ended three years ago, and I can accept that he has children (most people have a past at our age) - but this family dinner thing hurts, no matter how I try to reason it with myself.

I didn't have the happiest of childhoods and don't have a close relationship with my own family. I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Thoughts and angles welcome - I know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head...

OP posts:

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 24/07/2019 13:04

Do you mean he calls her ‘family’ or says they’re ‘a family’? Your post mixes up the two.

The latter I think is a bit strange, but the former is fine and very true. They’ll always be family to one another. Literally. It sounds like they’re both pretty mature and doing what’s best for the kids, meeting up to discuss things and staying cordial and I’m sure it’s nice for the children to be able to have dinner with their parents and see there’s no animosity.

How long have you been together? As always with a new relationship, keep your eyes and ears open for a while. Make sure you’re assessing whether he’s right for you and what you want, don’t jump in headfirst within the first six months, ya know? But if this bothers you, the reality of dating a man with kids and a good relationship with the mother of those kids, then dating a parent might not be for you.

Anothertempusername · 24/07/2019 13:05

But his kids are his family. What an odd post.

Hairglitter · 24/07/2019 13:08

You are being ridiculous. His children are his family. I wish my parents had maintained a close relationship, I've seen it done lots of times successfully and it's so nice for the children.

If you are insecure, it is better not to enter into a relationship with a man with children. They will always come first.

Yodude · 24/07/2019 13:08

I think it is great for his children and he sounds a nice man. However you need to think about what you want. He is doing what is best for his children as he should. If it is not what is best for you you should consider whether you want to stay with him.

RoseOfSharyn · 24/07/2019 13:09

My ex still refers to me and thekids as 'family'. We have 'family days out', 'family dinners', calls my dad FIL still and goes to stay with him if he's in that part of the country.

I don't have any feelings about it personally, but it makes my children very happy, so for that reason it will continue until they are old enough to not need us co-parenting.

Children will be a part of both of their lives for ever. It wont change when they hit 18 like some people think, because you then have graduationd, weddings, christenings, etc.

For the children's sake this sounds like a wonderful set up IMO.

Original poster

Dellin · 24/07/2019 13:10

For clarification - he refers to the four of them - his children and his ex as 'a family'.

Naturally I understand that his children are family.

OP posts:

Hairglitter · 24/07/2019 13:11

The mother of his children should also still be part of the family. In an ideal world, where all adults are amicable, that's what it should be.

My DH's parents divorced years ago and both have remarried - they all get together at christmas, kids included. It's really nice. I wish my parents had been like that.

anothernotherone · 24/07/2019 13:14

His children are his family, his ex wife is their family... What he's doing is best for the children as long as it's handled clearly and they aren't given false hope that their parents will get back together. As his new girlfriend you aren't family yet, that's just factual.

However he might not be right for you despite the fact that he sounds, from the tiny snapshot, like a good man.

It's ok not to want the complications of a step family and to want children with someone for whom your first child will be his first. Step families will always be complicated and loyalties will always be divided.

It sounds as though despite liking his children you'd be happier with someone who isn't already a parent. That's ok but end it now before attachments become deeper.

Original poster

Dellin · 24/07/2019 13:15

My head understands this. My heart doesn't.

OP posts:

DearLady · 24/07/2019 13:17

At least you know he’s a good dad.

However, if you do set up with him, and want a home & children, then his ex & kids, will be a part of your new family’s life. You’ll be a step-mum. So, it’s not just about him.

I met DH when we were both a bit older, had LTRs before but no kids. I don’t think I would have gone for him, if he came with baggage...

But, I don’t come from a culture of blended families. I know it’s the norm in the UK. If you want to be with him, that includes his family.

FenellaMaxwell · 24/07/2019 13:18

Then the relationship is not for you. It’s as simple as that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/07/2019 13:18

tbh OP i dont think you sound able to take on a man with kids. Its not for everyone

Hedgehogblues · 24/07/2019 13:18

Grow up

Needhelp101 · 24/07/2019 13:20

I took my ex-husband to lunch yesterday. We have family days out, family meals out, he's joining me and my children for a few days of our holiday next month. We ARE family - just because we're not romantically/sexually involved any more doesn't make it any less true. I still have very close, warm ties to his family as well.

I think you might be happier with someone who's got less 'baggage' tbh. I'm a step-mum and I do get how hard it is.

category12 · 24/07/2019 13:21

How long have you been together?

Is it too early for you to have discussed life stages/the future? If it worked out, would you want dc with him, and does he want more children? I ask, because you'll be wasting your time if he's not interested in more dc so best get out now.

You also need to consider, if you find this hard to deal with already, whether you're suited to being with someone who has kids already and potentially becoming stepmum, because it's bloody hard blending families.

Original poster

Dellin · 24/07/2019 13:21

@fennella Maxwell

"Simple as that"

If only love and emotions and relationships were "as simple as that"

OP posts:

RushianDisney · 24/07/2019 13:21

To me it shows he is a decent bloke with the maturity to keep up a good relationship with his ex for the benefit of his DC. The DC are his family, and their DM is also part of that family group - even though they are no longer together. If you and he had a baby then split, presumably you would want to keep everything as amicable for the child as possible? It's no reflection on how he feels towards you, it doesn't mean he wants her back in his life, he just wants to be able to coparent his DC effectively and with minimal conflict.

Ozziewozzie · 24/07/2019 13:22

I don’t think op has a problem with her bf seeing his children as his family obviously. It’s more a question of her feeling insecure because his ex is included in that statement. I’m all for positive go parenting but the reality when moving forward with new partners can be difficult.
Would we all genuinely be comfortable with our current partners having dinners with their exes? I know I wouldn’t. Kids aren’t stupid. I think it’s mid leading children. Separate, divorce and just be independent in the parenting. Ie, call school for school reports, show an interest. You really don’t need family dinners etc. The poor kids will live in hope mummy and daddy get back together ‘as they get on so well’ They won’t understand. Be civil, be kind and move forward.

crankyassnoperope · 24/07/2019 13:23

My head understands this. My heart doesn't.

And that's fine, just don't try and pretend your heart's okay with it just because your head thinks you should be. You can't change it and you shouldn't want to because it all sounds very healthy for him and his kids, but what you can do is be realistic about whether this is the relationship for you. If your heart isn't game and you ignore that it will only lead to insecurity and resentment, and there's better out there for all of you than that.

category12 · 24/07/2019 13:26

If only love and emotions and relationships were "as simple as that"

It isn't simple, but at the same time, it is. Love doesn't conquer all, and you have to be hard-headed and practical sometimes. You get over love. You don't get wasted years back and you don't get a do-over for any dc involved.

mindutopia · 24/07/2019 13:27

I think that sounds all quite healthy actually. It sounds like he is a great dad and trying his best to keep open communication between them and maintain some sense of normalcy.

My mum and dad were much the same. I had no overnight contact with my dad (to be fair, he would never have coped parenting me one-on-one, he just wasn't a capable parent), but he regularly came for lunch or dinner at our house with my mum (and then eventually his partner would come too!). We would go to events all together, like a sporting event I was competing in. We even took the occasional family holiday, like a weekend away camping or a trip to the beach.

I think actually it was a really healthy set up. My mum was my primary parent and it helped having her there to facilitate some of these things, as I wasn't as close to him. Perhaps as your bf is the primary parent, it works the same. It meant I got to spend time with them both and they got to talk about things related to my life with me. It was most certainly NOT because they wanted to get back together. Their marriage was well and truly over, and neither had any interest in being with the other.

So I think this sounds fine on the surface. If it doesn't work for you though, I would move on rather than trying to change it.

Hidingwhoiam · 24/07/2019 13:28

I think its brilliant that he has a good relationship with her. And still considers her family. She is the kids family.

It is actually very simple to walk away. You are financially linked. So walk away. You will be sad for a bit, but if your 'heart doesnt understand', it wont ever. You wont become ok with this.

People always says they just cant walk away. Infact they can, they just dont want to. But they don't want the situation they are in either. So hurting themseleves either way. Surely it's better to hurt in the short term and get over it, then plan on spending your life like this and always being upset.

You will simply have to hang on in, in the hope he stops it.

His kids come first and this is how he chooses to handle the separation

Original poster

Dellin · 24/07/2019 13:29

@Ozziewozzie - thanks for getting my OP.
It's worth bearing in mind that I am not included in these dinners.

This isn't a post about my role as a step mum or obviously the role he and his ex play in their kids lives.

I'm genuinely glad their amiable with each other and both involved. That's how it should be.

OP posts:

plinkyblonk · 24/07/2019 13:31

@Dellin I completely get what you are saying regards head and heart, I'm in a totally different situation to you but completely understand. Your head tells you what you should be like but your heart just breaks at the thought.

He probably just calls it 'family' because that's what they were and it's probably easier for the kids to understand.

Are you involved in the 'family' activities?

dottiedodah · 24/07/2019 13:32

If you are still quite young ,it can be hard to meet a man with children.It isnt a competition between you. But often it will feel that way, as his children have a claim on his time .Has his ex wife met anyone else do you think?.I think if you love him then you have to go with it .The problem is long term is if you have children, then things could become more complicated still .As others have said here its a difficult arrangement with SC. Can you go out with friends ,see your family while he has a family dinner at all?.Remember they were married once but are now divorced so couldnt have been that happy together could they?

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