New BF Has Kids and Calls Them And His Ex 'Family'

[Dellin]

I've recently started dating a wonderful man with two lovely children (I don't have any).

I understand that he needs to have a relationship with his ex because of their children - they have joint custody (he has them 5 days a week, she has them 2 due to work commitments) but regularly he has over over to his house for dinner for what he calls 'family dinners' - this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children etc...

However it hurts that he considers and refers to the four of them as a family, a unit.

I know he's not with her, I know that their relationship ended three years ago, and I can accept that he has children (most people have a past at our age) - but this family dinner thing hurts, no matter how I try to reason it with myself.

I didn't have the happiest of childhoods and don't have a close relationship with my own family. I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Thoughts and angles welcome - I know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head...

he seems to feel he has created a family unit with his ex and their children
He doesnt 'seem to feel' they are a family. Mum Dad Kids that IS a family regardless of living arrangements

and I wonder where, if, I will ever really fit in you are daddys new girlfriend right now. Maybe you'll be stepmum someday?

if he considers them a family. They ARE a family, his options are continue being part of the family and sack you off or sack off his kids and their mum or just their mum because of your odd resentment.

My dad chose sack off his kids and their mum, I don't rate him very highly and I hate his wife with a passion

I don’t think this is going to end well for you OP if you don’t get it together. 7 months is still the beginning of a relationship. Surely the fact he has introduced you to his kids show he wants to be with you. His ex wife will always be a part of his family in a way. She is the mother of his children. They seem like good people who are able to put the kids before themselves which can only be a good thing. When you date a man with ex/kids are part of the package. Maybe this is your own insecurity? I would focus on getting some help with that. Take care x

OP, I split with my 6yr old DS’ dad when DS was just a baby. We’re so lucky to have a great relationship and we consider each other family but we both feel that in a very platonic way now. I’d love my exP to meet someone else and I believe he feels the same way so try not to overthink it. They are family but not in the way a nuclear family are. I’ve probably not articulated that very well but what I’m trying to say is just because they’re still working as a team doesn’t diminish what he has with you.

At 7 months! You have no right to question any of this to be perfectly honest, you certainly shouldn't be even close to entering "step mum" territory/thinking. It's WAY too early for you to be included in anything regularly, and these family dinners are nothing to do with you.

At this point you should appear as nothing more than "dads friend" really and even that is possibly premature.

Quite honestly I really don't think you're suited to being in a relationship with someone with children.

They have an extremely good, rare, healthy and sensible set up organised. It would be wrong for you to disrupt that in any way.

Nothing wrong with you being someone that can't cope with a boyfriend with kids, but you need to recognise that and act accordingly.

"I think first and foremost the dinners are for them to spend time together as a family." You seem to have a problem with this though or think it's wrong in some way - it's not.

"I do consider this a serious relationship which will likely be longterm" WAY too soon to know that, another reason why involving you with the DC so soon is/was a bad idea. At what point did you start staying over?!

I'm sorry but I really don't think this relationship is right for you.

He sounds like a great dad fair play to them.

they aren’t a family

One or both of them chose to no longer be a family when they decided they wanted out of their marriage.

Family
noun
a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit

‘Living together AS A UNIT* - they are not a unit -they broke that unit up

He needs to realise that

Obviously it’s great if you can do ostent amicably but pretending they’re still A family isn’t good for the children or your relationship

If he wants to ‘be a family’ with his ex & kids then they need to sort their shit out and BE a family and not drag others into their unfinished business

a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit

Where did you get that weirdy definition from? Or was it one of many definitions...

I have felt this. When MIL refers to 'the family' she means her and FIL and their 3 DC, including DH but not me. It hurts. And 'family dinner' sounds nice. The reality is they probably spend the whole time arguing about money, etc.

OP, is it too late for you to have your own family?

Wow so many of you are attacking this person! Not helpful!

I understand that this upsets you. I have tried to do the whole bit before and my partners after my son's dad absolutely hated it and tbh I can understand where they are coming from. However, if there isn't any underlying feelings or drama that go into this set up then it could well be idyllic, as assumed by most people who think its best for the children etc. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, its circumstantial.

Your feelings here are valid and should not be discounted just because you are not part of the 'family unit' yet, you will be, with time but speak up now about how it makes you feel so that perhaps he can be more sensitive to it and you can discuss it. It doesn't need to be an "all or nothing" conversation. You are not jealous of the kids, you are jealous of the ex-wife, which is natural, and you know she is probably jealous of you too.

Also, I would like to point out that this guy is single for a reason! If I had thought this ten years ago I wouldn't be stuck with my son's dad now...they get left for a reason. I would ask yourself what he did for the relationship to end before you're stuck. If you genuinely can't see an issue with him then it is just a jealousy thing on your part and you need to work on that because unless its detrimental to the children, that arrangement is going to stick like glue. Until, the other parent decides not to do it anymore or the kids aren't interested. Things do change and if you settle down together and have kids with him then things will have to change unless you're on board.

Talk to him about it before you do anything rash.

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you've been feeling low about this. I would absolutely feel the same. If they are no longer together, they no longer a family unit. They are now two separate families. I think it's good that he has an amicable relationship with her, and that the children are happy, but unfortunately him acting like this will always make it difficult for a new person to partner up with him, and likewise for her. I think a lot of people, myself included, would feel really put out by a situation like this.

I do think it depends on the person. You've received a lot of rather harsh, replies telling you it's none of your business/get over it. I'm not quite sure why, maybe your post hit a nerve for them. I do think some people would probably be fine with his situation, in the same way that some people like bungee jumping whilst others hate it.

In the end you have to do what makes you feel happy and comfortable. If it were me I'd talk to him, share how you feel then the two of you can decide whether you can move forward together with some sort of compromise. If he insists on it staying how it is, then that is your answer.

It sounds like creating a loving family is really important to you so don't settle for a situation that makes you feel unhappy.

Since you mentioned your childhood not being good, I highly recommend a book called Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch. It is only a very thin book but I've just read it and found it helped me a lot. It guides you through the process of setting and maintaining your own boundaries for a relationship. This can be especially challenging for people who came from unhappy backgrounds and/or who have previously experienced abusive relationships but everyone benefits from setting boundaries.

The key is, not everyone's boundaries are the same and what matters is finding out what yours are. It's usually things that make you feel uncomfortable. For some people, they might be fine with polyamory for example, whereas for others the idea is truly abhorrent. There's no right or wrong, just go with your gut.

Once you have your boundaries written up it makes it much clearer what you will and will not accept in a relationship. It also makes it harder to dismiss things that are bothering you since you see it on your boundaries list.

Where did you get that weirdy definition from?

Very much seconded! Utter nonsense!

I'm 47 and no longer live with my parents or siblings, I've many aunts, uncles, cousins, niece and nephews I've NEVER lived with - they're still family! Bonkers!

I think your emotions are to do with unresolved pain from your own past family experiences which you are transferring onto this new situation. You won't feel good in the present situation until you work on understanding the root of the issue.

IncrediblySadToo... you’re talking balls. My exP, DS, my DD and I are still very much family and very happy we are too.

You've only been dating 7 months. I think it's a bit soon to be meeting his children, so joining their family dinners is out of the question. I would honestly evaluate if this is for you OP. I think it's lovely they can still meet up for dinner and be civil.

I understand totally. My boyfriend used to describe his ex as family which upset me to start with. If it helps, those feelings just went away over time as I felt more secure about my own role in his life/my relationship with her developed too. Doesn’t bother me in the least now. I guess I also think of my own ex as “family” in a way......

Totally understand where you're coming from! That's Weirdy McWeird!!

One thing is certain and that is that one of them can't let go!

I've ha my ex and his gf here for
Xmas and bdays but a weekly dinner! Fuck that!

They are not family she's his ex.

I'd walk away before you get too hurt.

This is a strange set up, and don't let the madness of Mumsnet tell you otherwise!

Agree. By law even, exH and exW have familial relationships with children but not between each other. They were a family unit when they were a couple raising children together. They then chose to break that unit by not being a couple and not living together. Dad will always be family to their children. Mum will always be family to their children. But between them two, they are co-parents. They are not family. They may feel fondly about each other if the break up was amicable and if they had a happy life. But they and the kids are not a family together, they actively decided not to be a family unit anymore by separating.

I know a real life example when the parents were separated but kept going on holidays together, have dinners, etc. Dad was seeing other women but was doing family staff with the ex "for the child's sake so that he was growing up happy". Whereas Mum actually wanted to get back together and would get jealous when she found out about his GFs. They had sex. In the end she got pregnant. Dad is now even more tied to the woman who he claims he had never even loved and was only doing it all for his child. A mess all around and hardly a "happy family".

Maybe after 18 months to a year, certainly if you become engaged, would I expect to be included in the family dinners.

Really? I wouldn't and don't think the op should expect this either.

I think it's normal to feel a bit funny about it, after 7 months I think it's ok to talk about where the relationship is going and how you fit into it. He sounds lovely, and like a great dad, and if he is also a great partner it might be worth seeing how he sees the relationship going.
But it's ok if it's not for you, it might hurt to leave, but then you can meet someone who will make you feel like family.

Weird "family" definitions brought to you by our sponsor "midnight hour sauce".

This is not for you sadly you can’t fit into this set up.Its not easy to get into the step parenting role .step over to grans net and read about step patents married for years and all that they go through.Its not for all.
You will always feel like second class but you’ve got to ask yourself if you love him enough ,if you love the family enough.
I feel your asking this question because you have doubts.
There is no guilt or judgements if in your heart your not satisfied.If you love the family your with enough to stay then you’ll have to develop a thick skin.
If not you’ll have to move on .
Step parenting is quite common now
Says the lady whose going through a divorce in my case he won’t even attempt being the family man his not capable.

If he wants to ‘be a family’ with his ex & kids then they need to sort their shit out and BE a family and not drag others into their unfinished business

Exactly! It’s not fair to have the op on the sidelines feeling like a spare part while he has his family time. They do need to sort their shit out and be a family if that’s what they want to be! I don’t think he has any place bringing a new partner in to his life at this moment in time.

I’ve recently split with my ex and we do get on well. But that family we had is gone.

So much eye roll going on about people being outraged at the suggestion they are not a family, or OP might not have expected them to still act like one 🙄🙄🙄

Yes they will both always be family to the kids but they are categorically NOT a family with each other, they actively decided to put an end to that family unit and connection to one another. They are now linked through the kids but not "a family" unless they deliberately try and make themselves so.

It's not surprising that a new partner might not be expecting him to refer to his ex as his family and might not find it an attractive dating prospect that a man is talking as if he still has a wife.

Attending the dinners does not oblige him to constantly disregard his partner's feelings by talking to her about "his family" when they are alone, as if that's something she shouldn't be bothered by. Much like if you were dating someone who casually dropped into conversation references to his "girlfriend" when talking about his ex. It's inconsiderate and strongly suggests he hasn't moved on. Someone who truly cared for her and had his mind fully in this relationship and not the one with his ex would be concerned about how that would make her feel and want to reassure her. If he had had a conversation with her to the effects of "we know we're not a family together anymore but we just want to put a united front forward for the kids" it might be different, but it doesn't sound like that's the case, it sounds like he just expects her to accept that he already considers himself a closed family unit with somebody else.

Whether or not it is good for the kids or not is debatable, I personally think not, but he has ruled himself out of ever being a particularly desirable partner.

Stop putting all the burden on new partner's to blindly accept anything and start realising what is fair to ask of someone and whether the way you choose to handle your decision to have kids with someone you weren't able to make a life with makes it unfair for you to date someone new.

I've many aunts, uncles, cousins, niece and nephews I've NEVER lived with - they're still family! Bonkers!

& all the similar comments

There’s a difference between ‘being family’ And being ‘A family’

They are no longer ‘a unit’ so they are no longer ‘A family’ they chose not to be

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