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Original poster

New BF Has Kids and Calls Them And His Ex 'Family'

168 replies

Dellin · 24/07/2019 13:00

I've recently started dating a wonderful man with two lovely children (I don't have any).

I understand that he needs to have a relationship with his ex because of their children - they have joint custody (he has them 5 days a week, she has them 2 due to work commitments) but regularly he has over over to his house for dinner for what he calls 'family dinners' - this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children etc...

However it hurts that he considers and refers to the four of them as a family, a unit.

I know he's not with her, I know that their relationship ended three years ago, and I can accept that he has children (most people have a past at our age) - but this family dinner thing hurts, no matter how I try to reason it with myself.

I didn't have the happiest of childhoods and don't have a close relationship with my own family. I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Thoughts and angles welcome - I know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head...

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 24/07/2019 16:13

You've only been dating for 7 months. In the nicest possible way you need a bit of a reality check. None of this family dinner business is a threat to you OP, you are a different part of his life at the moment. The kids probably don't take your relationship with their Dad too seriously yet at is it such early days.
Step families are complicated and emotionally hard work... it will get easier to get your head round but you need more time. Still so early in your relationship.
There's no way of knowing how it will all on out - you might be involved in the family meet ups eventually but not after only 7 months. Slow down.

SandyY2K · 24/07/2019 16:14

The fact is he's not going to change the current situation and I'm not saying he should...it's just not the relationship for you and it wouldn't be for me either.

Ellapaella · 24/07/2019 16:18

He might change the situation eventually.. but after only 7 months it's really too early to expect him to.

theworldistoosmall · 24/07/2019 17:13

Tbh, 7 months in you are lucky you have met his dc's.
Their situation works for them.
There will be many things over the years that they will attend starting with school events such as plays where tickets are often limited and you won't be able to attend.

LittleFairywren · 24/07/2019 17:23

Is it more a case that you don't see where you fit in?

lyralalala · 24/07/2019 17:31

Have you met his children?

Original poster
Dellin · 24/07/2019 18:50

Yes I have met and spent time with his children - he has them 5 days a week and I sometimes stay over.

Yes, that is the issue - he seems to feel he has created a family unit with his ex and their children and I wonder where, if, I will ever really fit in, if he considers them a family.

We have been together for 7 months - time is only one way of judging the depth and seriousness of a relationship. My original post aside for a second, I do consider this a serious relationship which will likely be longterm

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 24/07/2019 18:56

Try asking him .

JellyfishAndShells · 24/07/2019 19:08

But what are they if not a family, OP? What would the children say asked ‘ who is in your family ?’ ? They would say ‘ I have a sister ( or brother) and a Mummy and a Daddy. ‘ The fact that Mummy and Daddy aren’t living together in the same house doesn’t mean they aren’t still a family - it’s just differently arranged. If you do have children , the original family will include, to some extent, their half siblings. Your family will be you and your partner - and will include, to a degree, what will be your step children/your children’s half siblings.

You seem to see the word family as such an excluding word. It doesn’t have to be - you are just rushing things

LittleDoll · 24/07/2019 20:20

I can definitely understand why you feel how you do. My partner referred to his ex as his family until we got serious. Then one day he just said he didnt want to do certain things anymore because me and our kids (as in, his 3 kids and my 3 kids) are his family and its us he wants to make memories with.

We all get on fine with our exs. Both of them have new partners and we catch up over coffee or food during handover and have a catch up. Neither of us go out of our way to have this alone time with them though. I meet his ex and my exs partner all the time. If you get serious it sounds like you could end up with a similar situation and it's very easy so definitely dont rock the boat by giving in to irrational insecurities.

buttertoasty · 24/07/2019 20:39

He sounds a decent guy and they are a family, in a sense. I don't think you should meddle or try to get in the way to be honest.

Haffiana · 24/07/2019 21:45

The problem is with your mindset, OP. This mindset says to you that what he gives to his ex and children in some way is being taken away from you.

It isn't. If you ever have a family with him then you will be a family. He will then have two families, that is all. It won't diminish yours unless you let this corrupted thinking/feeling pattern of yours ruin it.

If you can't cope with that then best to leave him now.

SandyY2K · 24/07/2019 22:02

When a relationship ends amicably and the kids are young, parents often do inclusive activities and all spend time together.

If that suddenly stops when you come along, the kids and the ex will be resentful towards you. I'm sure you wouldn't like that to happen.

It may naturally drop off when you get serious to the stage of living together or marriage.

He can hardly kick you out when she comes over.

ThatCurlyGirl · 24/07/2019 22:42

Ooh @JellyfishAndShells

Has put it PERFECTLY so I can only echo her thoughtful and bang on it opinion:

What would the children say asked ‘ who is in your family ?’ ? They would say ‘ I have a sister ( or brother) and a Mummy and a Daddy. ‘ The fact that Mummy and Daddy aren’t living together in the same house doesn’t mean they aren’t still a family - it’s just differently arranged.

brightfutureahead · 24/07/2019 23:38

He shouldn’t be in a relationship if he’s doing stuff like this with his ex. He’s being unfair on you and it seems like he wants it both ways - that is, to spend time with his ex and kids and have family time, and also have a separate life with you.

To me that’s messed up. If he wants to move on he needs to put boundaries in place. And if he can’t put boundaries in place, then im sorry but he’s in no place to move on. That’s just my opinion.

HeadintheiClouds · 24/07/2019 23:44

Put boundaries in place. Against his family? Sure.

pinkoneblueone · 24/07/2019 23:46

I think he's trying to make things as normal as possible for the kids which is vet respectable

pinkoneblueone · 24/07/2019 23:47

*very

wafflyversatile · 24/07/2019 23:51

Maybe try to look at the positive. This is a man, who despite having split with his DCs mother, still maintains a good working relationship with his ex. He is putting his children's best interests first by making sure they get time with their mum even though her work means she only has them on her own at weekends. Also this gives him weekend time for you, which is not so common. Families are more like venn diagrams rather than solitary units these days.

mathanxiety · 24/07/2019 23:54

7 months together - you are jumping the gun.

Maybe after 18 months to a year, certainly if you become engaged, would I expect to be included in the family dinners.

But not before then.

theworldistoosmall · 24/07/2019 23:55

Surely it's healthy for the dc's to see that even though their parents are separated, they can spend time together?

What boundaries should he put in place? Keep contact with mum solely based on text and phone conversations?

But like I said earlier, I am still classed as a family by my mums' exes and their families. I am still friends with people who I have slept with. Sometimes you just realise you are better off as friends. We have all moved on and are happy.

The parents have been separated for a couple of years and the dad has now been in a relationship for the past 7 months.

JoannaCuppa · 24/07/2019 23:59

I am not sure why the situation has to have such an "either/or" feel about it?

My ex and our DD are family. Always will be. He comes to dinner on a Wednesday night. My DP and I have now been together long enough that he is becoming part of the family too. He doesn't come to Wednesday dinner, but we are all (with other extended family) on a big family holiday in a few weeks. And if Ex had been with his DP for longer, she would have been invited too.

It isn't a case that because he is a family with his ex and kids, he can't be family with you too. All family members have different relationships with each other. Sometimes they all meet up together, sometimes they don't. My DD sometimes just likes having her mum and Dad. She is also sometimes happy to have my DP there too.

At seven months, you have no way of knowing how things will work out. You could end up being good friends with his ex. My ex and DP socialise together.

Just because most split families have lots of strife, doesn't mean that the ones who remain friendly are wrong. I love My ex like a brother. He will always be my family. We love each other very much. Just not as a husband and wife.

Would you really want to be with someone where they were at loggerheads with their ex?

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 25/07/2019 00:00

Gah. I’m not sure that this set up suits you or meets your needs. It sounds healthy for the children which at the end of the day should be the primary consideration. If you stay together then you will be a step mother which is a very tricky role and challenges the most nurturing/caring people. Think long and hard about the impact your hurt feelings/rejection worries will have on all of your future happiness.

SeaEagle21 · 25/07/2019 00:10

Yes, that is the issue - he seems to feel he has created a family unit with his ex and their children and I wonder where, if, I will ever really fit in, if he considers them a family

This may never change and you have to face that fact. I've been with DH for 15 years and married for 10 years. He has three sons and an ex wife. They are still "a family" and I'm not really a part of that. This is the case for many people who marry / partner a person with an pre-existing family. If you can't accept that now after 7 months, I'd strongly suggest looking for someone else who doesn't have kids. They will be his family until the day he dies - this isn't going to go away OP.

wildcherries · 25/07/2019 00:11

It's good for his children. But I couldn't do it. I don't blame you for thinking where you fit in to this setup.