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Relationships

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Original poster

New BF Has Kids and Calls Them And His Ex 'Family'

168 replies

Dellin · 24/07/2019 13:00

I've recently started dating a wonderful man with two lovely children (I don't have any).

I understand that he needs to have a relationship with his ex because of their children - they have joint custody (he has them 5 days a week, she has them 2 due to work commitments) but regularly he has over over to his house for dinner for what he calls 'family dinners' - this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children etc...

However it hurts that he considers and refers to the four of them as a family, a unit.

I know he's not with her, I know that their relationship ended three years ago, and I can accept that he has children (most people have a past at our age) - but this family dinner thing hurts, no matter how I try to reason it with myself.

I didn't have the happiest of childhoods and don't have a close relationship with my own family. I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Thoughts and angles welcome - I know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head...

OP posts:

tinyvulture · 25/07/2019 08:52

Actually OP, since I posted last o have remembered that my bf’s attitude towards his ex annoyed me so much when we first got together that I told him he had to pick her or me because I “was never suited to being a Mormon”!!!! This was a MASSIVE overreaction on my part, but shows you how strongly I felt at the time. However, over time I just realised she is actually no threat to me, and he doesn’t think of her as a wife, but more as a kind of eccentric sister or cousin...... To be honest, these days I am more tolerant of her than he is most of the time, and recently had a mini-argument with him because I was defending her over something!
And it was time that changed all this. 7 months isn’t very long. You don’t need to dump him now, OR make up your mind to whole-sale accept it all. I would just keep feeling your way for the moment, and see how things work out.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/07/2019 09:15

I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything
I think you may be with the wrong person to achieve this goal.
Does he want to have more kids?
Or are you thinking you can play happy families with him and his DC?
That does not always work out.
I would step away. Find someone who wants the same things as you and take it from there.

Tyersal · 25/07/2019 09:38

In answer to the question YANBU. BUt nor is your BF, he is just needs to adapt to a new situation as do you, this is all new to you and you are finding your way through it. You have had some very harsh answers on here, presumably from some protective mothers who havent walked in your shoes.

I understand where you are coming from and although my circumstances are different I felt very similar to you at the beginning. Your BF has been living the life of a single man with an ex and kids and hasn't had to take any one elses feeling into consideration. If he wants to have a serious long term relationship with another person he needs to make some changes to accomodate that person, the saqme way he would in any new relationship regardless of whether kids are involved.

Talk to him about how you feel, your feelings aren't ridiculous and they are valid, despitae what some may say. New relationships are difficult, ones involving ex's and kids even more so regardless of how civil everyone is. If your bf is serious about you and about moving on he will listen and take on board what you say, respect your feelings and make allowances. I'm not suggesting he never speaks to his ex again but maybe that dynamic needs to change slightly now you are involved and have feelings which need to be taken into consideration. As an example when I started seeing my bf he had been slpit with his ex nearly two years but he had never taken her name off the netflix icon and it made me feel ike I was in her house and I was the OW (I wasn't) He changed it when I mentioned it to him, he had only never done so out of laziness, it made me feel better. Feel free to PM me if you would like a chat. Hugs, this shit is tough

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 25/07/2019 09:45

Look at the definition you can find when you move beyond the first hit on Google...

This from the Cambridge dictionary:

a group of people who are related to each other, such as a mother, a father, and their children

Therefore, your partner is indeed having meals with his family. And they are doing a grown-up job of parenting as well. How lovely to read about adults putting their children first for once rather than being consumed by their differences and the children becoming collateral damage.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 25/07/2019 09:59

Of course he does OP - because he has! He's got an ex and kids and they will always be bound through that. Doesn't mean he (and her) can't move on and have other relationships.

I agree he sounds like a decent guy - you need to get on board with this or split up. If you can't accept his "family" then you should split up.

HeckyPeck · 25/07/2019 10:27

When a relationship ends amicably and the kids are young, parents often do inclusive activities and all spend time together.

If that suddenly stops when you come along, the kids and the ex will be resentful towards you. I'm sure you wouldn't like that to happen.

It may naturally drop off when you get serious to the stage of living together or marriage.

He can hardly kick you out when she comes over.

Agreed. I wouldn’t like this OP. It’s a recipie for disaster!

brightfutureahead · 25/07/2019 10:56

If a man and a woman share children together it doesn’t mean they will always be family to each other. Once the relationship ends that’s it. My parents split when I was a child and I think I would have looked at you like you’ve got two heads if you said my mum and dad were still family to each other, especially years down the line Because quite literally, they were not family anymore. Kids aren’t stupid. My parents moved on and created two new families of their own separate from each other, of which I was obviously part of. But to each other, they were 100% not family.

And I apply that thinking to all parents who are no longer together.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 25/07/2019 11:05

There's a difference between being 'family' in general and being ' a family '. I don't think the OP is unreasonable to not feel entirely at ease with this. It's tactless of him to constantly refer to his ex and himself as a unit - it does exclude the OP.
I think the only way forward is to talk to him about where he sees your relationship heading. Does he want more children? Does he see a time when 'family' will include you too? Might be a bit early but I wouldn't leave it too long.

Yeahnahmum · 25/07/2019 11:24

Get yourself a ticket for the earliest train out of this "relationship "
You have only dated for a little while ?(havent read the freaking thread)
And already it is messing with you
And your heart/ selfesteem

Just get out. Find yourself an unattached man

Pinktinker · 25/07/2019 11:34

I don’t think this relationship is for you and I think you should try to find someone who doesn’t already have children.

I completely understand why this bothers you but it isn’t going to change. The relationship with his ex sounds amicable and it’s for their own children’s benefit. The children will never go anywhere, nor will the ex. If you can’t accept it, you need to move on.

Tyersal · 25/07/2019 11:41

@pinktinker unless she talks to him she doesnt know if anything is going to change

HeadintheiClouds · 25/07/2019 11:48

Does it really matter whether they’re a family “to each other” or not? If these two people are sitting round a table discussing matters relating to their mutual children then a girlfriend of 7 months duration should have no expectation of being a part of that. Now, or ever.
Giving her a random period of time like 18 months (!) is ridiculous, it will never be her place to sit in on arrangements like this.
The fact that she’s bewailing the fact that she’s being “left out” at 7 months in is remarkable, really. Or considering telling him that any mention of family is uncomfortable for her and she’d prefer he refer to them as something else

Pinktinker · 25/07/2019 11:50

@Tyersal his children will never stop being his family and the Mother of his children will always be a part of his life, that’s just a fact. It sounds like OP isn’t suited to this relationship.

brightfutureahead · 25/07/2019 12:00

Does it really matter whether they’re a family “to each other” or not?

Well yes it does matter in the long term. If they want to be a family then they need to just be one instead dragging other people in to their lives.

Floydian · 25/07/2019 12:01

I really don't know what to make of some of the "try hard" "over long" monologues on this post made by those who want to suggest they are not a "family". Just because they don't live together. Wow. Like it or not they are related by blood and therefore a family. Most importantly they are making it a family unit for the sake of the children and therefore they are a family in spirit also. I would question who the real "families" are when, although live together under the same roof, the mum and dad are unhappy with each other and argue all the time.

Tyersal · 25/07/2019 12:06

@pinktinker completely agree re both but the extent to which their mother is a part of ops bf life will likely taper off to some degree as they both move on to other people and as kids get older. The op needs to decide if she can cope with the mother being involved at all. If she can't then I agree it's not for her if there is compromise to be had its surely worth a conversation. She will have to tell him anyway if she decides to end it unless she ghosts him so she has nothing to lose by explaining her feelings

AE18 · 25/07/2019 12:19

@Floydian

"I really don't know what to make of some of the "try hard" "over long" monologues on this post made by those who want to suggest they are not a "family". Just because they don't live together. Wow. Like it or not they are related by blood and therefore a family. Most importantly they are making it a family unit for the sake of the children and therefore they are a family in spirit"

The point isn't really that they aren't a family; they obviously view themselves as such. The point is that sharing a child doesn't automatically make separated parents a family, a lot of people in this position don't view themselves as such (particularly if they want to move on with a new partner who doesn't want to share the traditional role of wife with his ex) and it's not out of line for OP to not enjoy this set up.

He has no blood relation to his ex. The children are a part of his family, but there's no need to refer to himself as "a family", implying a traditional family unit that usually cannot involve new partner's, with his ex unless he chooses to. Choosing to is fine if that's what he wants but doesn't make him a good dating prospect.

Cath2907 · 25/07/2019 12:22

I'm divorced, have no interest in rekindling with my husband but my DDs family unit is still her, 1 mum and 1 dad. We are a family - albeit a divided one. We have family outings and family McDonalds trips!

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