New BF Has Kids and Calls Them And His Ex 'Family'

[Dellin]

I've recently started dating a wonderful man with two lovely children (I don't have any).

I understand that he needs to have a relationship with his ex because of their children - they have joint custody (he has them 5 days a week, she has them 2 due to work commitments) but regularly he has over over to his house for dinner for what he calls 'family dinners' - this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children etc...

However it hurts that he considers and refers to the four of them as a family, a unit.

I know he's not with her, I know that their relationship ended three years ago, and I can accept that he has children (most people have a past at our age) - but this family dinner thing hurts, no matter how I try to reason it with myself.

I didn't have the happiest of childhoods and don't have a close relationship with my own family. I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Thoughts and angles welcome - I know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head...

I don’t really think the length of the relationship is that significant, tbh. Two parents of shared children get together with children to discuss said children. There will never be a place for stepmum at that table, nor should there be.

Dating someone with children, and eventually being a step-parent isn't for everyone.

The important thing that you, as an adult, need to decide is if you can handle the set up he has with his ex. Family dinners, spending time together sounds like he and his ex have an excellent relationship that puts their children first.

The mistake a lot of people make is thinking that the set up should change because they are now part of their DP's life, or that it should change because they don't like it or wouldn't do it with their ex. That's not how life should work.

The parents decide how they are going to parent their children and anyone who wants to join their lives decides if it's for them or not. If it's not then the decent, and sensible, thing to do is walk away.

Some stepmums look after the kids when Dad isn't available (work) and do stuff like the school run and listen to friendship problems so while not a parent, they are stepparenting.

How long have you dated?

He is his childrens dad, his ex is their mum, therefore they are family.

At some point, you probably will be included.

You really really need to get past this feeling of hurt.

Why are you hurt?
Is it really anything to do with him, or is it leftovers from your childhood?

I think they are being very kind to their children to maintain such a great relationship but I can definitely see why it would bother you for him to be calling his wife and children a family unit.

My sister and her husband divorced from years ago, they have two children together and are very amicable. I still refer to her ex as 'uncle (insert name here)' to my children and consider him family, he often visits with the kids when he is down our way and same when we go up to them. Just the other day I actually visited my nephews at their Dad's parents house (the boys have flown down without their parents for the school hols) with my DH and our two kids and I guess we are lucky to still be able to do this but I consider them family as they are the grandparents of my nephews.

I guess my point is that while it must be hard for you many exes still maintain a 'family' type status when kids are involved that they otherwise would have.

The dinners will fizzle out after awhile anyway as the children get older and want to hang out with their friends instead or have other things they want to do.
Everything changes in time.

"If only love and emotions and relationships were "as simple as that"

Well in some ways it can be.

I knew that I couldn't date a man with kids-so I didn't!

I sort of understand what you mean.

This is the dynamic they have set up but if you're dating a man that frequently talks about "my family" then it will feel exclusive. Naturally they are family but it is important that they don't deliberately try and project onto the kids that they are still a traditional family unit. In my opinion the healthy thing to do is to reinforce that families come in all shapes and sizes and you are all family. But deliberately referring to a mother, father and the children as "a family", and not including others in that bracket (such as future partners) is deliberately misleading the kids to make them feel like they have that traditional set up. They are very likely to think any future partner's are encroaching on their territory or even that their parents are still together. I don't think the right thing to do when you separate is to try and fool the kids into thinking nothing has changed, I think the right thing to do is to teach them that yes things have changed, adults do separate but they all still love the kids and that is ok.

If he chooses instead to keep reinforcing that they are a complete family unit that will never expand or change then that's his choice but I think he needs to accept that this is not compatible with having a new partner and potentially expanding the wider family with more children etc. It's not fair on that partner to be obliged to not have a family or be considered a part of his, so he ought to stay single.

@Dellin

From experience, what your ex and his family are doing is the right thing and a good thing.

However things always get complicated when either one of the ex's gets involved with a new partner. In an ideal world, the situation would carry on as it is but its likely that either or both of the ex's is going to get involved with another person at some point. Your new partner and his ex would have to understand that if you had to move in with him at some point, then you too would have to part of this 'family' and she would have to be happy with that. You would surely not be expected to vacate your own home when these dinners occurred.... And then vice versa if she met someone new.

So its worth sticking it out for a while and seeing where the relationship progresses to.

My experience is that we have absolutely nothing to do with my DH ex and thats honestly the way I want it. I dont think Id be comfortable with a situation where we all got together for family dinners. I know its ideal for the kids, but ultimately you decide what you are prepared to accept in your own life and if my DH said that we had to spend regular time with his ex then I would not be here today I dont think. My heart couldnt handle it, but I wouldnt have expected him to to make me feel better. It just wouldnt have been the right relationship for me or him I suppose and you move on.

@AE18 what you said

It is lovely that he reassures his kids by still referring to them all as a family. I couldn't be with a man who had children. This might not be for you.

But on a personal level it stings as I'm not included in these "family dinners".

You’ve only recently started dating.

They are his family, he divorced his wife not his family.
They are a family and they are his family, that already existed before you.
This is what it means to be involved with someone with a past life.
I guess you either embrace it or scarper.

I'm going against the grain and saying I wouldn't like this or do this myself. They aren't a family anymore. The parents have split. I don't think of my ex as my family, he's my DCs dad. If I was having cosy family dinners, I wouldn't be surprised if my DP didn't like it. I get the children will like it, probably because they're harboring a secret hope their parents will get back together.

We've been together for 7 months.

The term "family dinners" probably hurts - as one poster suggested - he could simply say "dinner with kids and X" or simply dinner when talking to me about them.

I'm not questioning he has a separate family with his children - it's referring to his children and his ex as them being a family unit which is the part I'm struggling with.

I knew before we started dating that he has children and I have tried to embrace them as a part of him.

Why don't you speak to your DP about how this makes you feel. Ultimately only you are responsible for how you feel but you could speak with DP so he can understand.

I personally would struggle a lot if my DP had dinners with his Ex like some happy family unit. I appreciate they are a family unit (mum, dad and kids) but I would be concerned with how emotions could be muddled.

Do you have any relationship with the DC and thier Mum? Could you attend these family meals too? Do DP ex have a new partner?

They were together not married - not trying to diminish partnerships which don't involve marriage.

Freddy Mercury kept calling his ex wife his "wifey" and she also inherited from him. He had a partner at the time.

Maybe stop focusing on a “unit” that you’re being excluded from? The family thing is fine and is not going to go away.

But it is a "family" dinner even if they're not family. They are doing something "normal" for the sake of the kids, trrying to give them a united family time. I think it's great he can co parent with his ex in such a way and put his kids first.

Of course you wouldn't be included in the family dinners. You're not his family, you're a new gf. And most importantly you're not family of his kids.

I wish more people were like your BF. Healthy, extended families that are family as long as everyone is good with it. There's a great quote from Clueless of all films, "you divorce wives, not children". Lisa Bonet's ex and current husband Lenny Kravitz and Jason Momoa (she has great taste!) refer to each other as brothers.

You been on the scene 7 months. That's not family. The ex is the mother of his beloved children. That is family, at least to him. And it's healthy and loving to the children for them to model close, good boundaries.

I really do get that it's hard. And you may not be able to have a relationship with a man with children. Many people can't. If you aren't cut out for it, don't do it, because it's not fair to him or the children.

I completely understand how you feel.... Its illogical but still hurts. I have no kids of my own and desperately want to share a child between us but we are battling to conceive through IVF. Every time he refers to his daughter as 'my daughter' I hurt a little inside.

He often doesnt refer to her by her name eg 'Where is xxxx?' he says 'Where is my daughter?'

I get it. It sucks. And for lack of a better emotion to describe the feeling, its jealousy and it strikes us all no matter how good a person we think we are. Dont feel bad - YANBU - You are human.

We can't help the irrationality of how our hearts sometimes makes us feel. Your head is in the right place op. You can't help how you feel.

I don't think you're cut out for a man with children, especially not one who's involved with his kids like your BF. Don't see this as a big deal at all, tbh.

If it’s the word ‘family’ that bothers you rather than what he is doing, how about a quick casual mention to him that the word makes you feel a teeny bit excluded so can he just call it dinner or day out etc just to keep your head happy