New BF Has Kids and Calls Them And His Ex 'Family'

[Dellin]

I've recently started dating a wonderful man with two lovely children (I don't have any).

I understand that he needs to have a relationship with his ex because of their children - they have joint custody (he has them 5 days a week, she has them 2 due to work commitments) but regularly he has over over to his house for dinner for what he calls 'family dinners' - this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children etc...

However it hurts that he considers and refers to the four of them as a family, a unit.

I know he's not with her, I know that their relationship ended three years ago, and I can accept that he has children (most people have a past at our age) - but this family dinner thing hurts, no matter how I try to reason it with myself.

I didn't have the happiest of childhoods and don't have a close relationship with my own family. I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Thoughts and angles welcome - I know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head...

You say you've only recently started dating. I would not be at all happy, as the ex, if my ex-h and I had managed to maintain an amicable relationship for the sake of dd, and he started to bring a new partner along to family events. Fine if it's a long-term relationship and she's a part of the children's lives, but not with a new girlfriend.

My ex-h comes along to DD's birthday party, for example, with his partner. And he has done for a few years, but not when they were first dating. He asked, and I said no.

Look at it from their point of view. You're in a relationship with their ex-h/dad, fine, and hopefully that's something they're ok with, but you're not their family. It would be beyond awkward and strange to include you in something just for their immediate family.

As a lot of pp have said, dating someone with children doesn't suit everyone. Maybe it's just not for you. If you decide things on emotions and you can't 'feel' right about this emotionally then maybe you just have to accept that and move on from this relationship.

OP, I would end the relationship now. You're only seven months in. If you can't cope with the word "family" being used in this context, you won't be able to cope with being a stepmother in the long term. I know this is easy for me to say as you obviously have feelings for him, but I don't see this ending well for anyone.

He had a family unit and still refers to it as a family when he gets together with the children of that relationship, nothing wrong with that and he sounds like a great dad.

That doesn't mean he cant have another family unit with you, but you need to accept your family unit will be no more important than the one he already has, infact at times the existing family will be more important as those children already exist and so may influence decisions on plans for further children. If you cant accept this then find someone without children.

7 months in is early in a relationship but not too early to tell him you see your future as having children of your own and where does he see his to see if the relationship is worth continuing.

I think you're letting your feelings about your childhood colour this. While it's good to move on from a sad childhood where you weren't happy (and subsequently not being close to your own family) by creating a family of your own, doing so won't necessarily erase the pain of the things you are running from. I'd bet loads of money this is why the situation is so loaded for you and why you can't let this go, as lots of people are suggesting you should do. It isn't a big deal, but it's obviously pressing your buttons.

The best thing would be to spend some time reflecting on your own upbringing, perhaps admit you are a little jealous of his kids, not as an adult competing with them but in the sense of feeling wistful that they are all experiencing what you never got. Once you can see that this is your issue and take full ownership of it, you can share your feelings with your partner sensitively and he will hopefully be empathetic about the position you find yourself in. He sounds very kind so fingers crossed he will be supportive when you tell him how you feel, using 'I...' statements and keeping the focus on you rather than blaming him.

Best of luck. I had a similar childhood and the shitty feeling of being on the outside looking it while other people play happy families is a hard one to shake, even when you know it's your own issue.

God no... Telling him you can’t cope with the word family and would prefer if he stopped using it is seriously bad advice! You could find yourself swiftly dumped if you foot stamp like this.
He has a family. Like it or walk, basically.

It's worth bearing in mind that I am not included in these dinners.

This isn't a post about my role as a step mum

You're being a bit premature with these comments, OP. You say you've just started dating this guy - it would be best if you stepped back and stopped thinking you're going to be the step-mother, or that you should be included in the "family dinners". Those things are a long way off, or they should be. You don't become a step-mother as soon as you start dating the children's father, and I don't believe you should ever go along to the family dinners, which are held so that the two parents can talk about family matters.

Blended families are a tricky thing as I well know - you won't get anywhere by jumping in and expecting to have a role in these children's lives for a long time yet.

Dellin, he sounds like a decent chap but you say you've only recently been going out with him it really is a bit soon to expect to be included at family dinners or anything else.

It takes time for a new person to be accepted into a family.

I don't know how old you are, Dellin (sorry if you have said and I missed it), but as you are feeling a bit sidelined so early on the relationship, do think carefully about whether you really want to be involved with a man who has young children. Children, through no fault of theirs, complicate things for both parents, with time and financially.

You could probably find someone just as nice who has NO children!

Just take it easy for now, enjoy what you and he have without any long term commitment.

Hmm, maybe best to ignore me then OP, I honestly don’t use the word family- ever in the contexts you have described— so it’s easy for me not to get the need to use it a lot

My DH has a 'Family WhatsApp' page which he's on with his adult children and ex. They converse everyday, discussing all sorts, swooping photos and god knows what else. I try not to let it bother me but it does... he's still part of that family and I'm totally excluded. I've always known he has a good relationship with his ex and thought I'd get over my initial resentment of that but it doesn't get easier for me. Perhaps that's just me. We do have an amazing life together and I love him to bits but I really resent the ease and familiarity they have when we all get together at rare family occasions - thank god they are rare.

I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Family is messy and mutable. I have a family with DM and DB. I also have a family with DH and DS. I'm a part of DH's extended family. And a part of my own family. If DS ever has children, his partner and children will be part of my family too. If we ever divorce, DS will still be my family, and I really hope I could find a way for DH to still be part of my family, but my new partner and any children I had with them would also be my family too.

He has already built this with someone else. That doesn't mean he can't build a new family with you in it.

Stepfamilies are really difficult to negotiate because every family is different. Some children really want a stepmother to be a third parent. Some aren't interested in a relationship with a stepmother at all. Most are somewhere in between. It's really confusing, because there aren't clear rules, and you have to be guided by the desires of people you would never have chosen to have in your life.

You need to be honest with your partner about this. I really liked what you said about your head understanding it and your heart not. That seems to me like a really clear way of telling him that you understand why it's the right thing for him to do but a part of you - the part of you that's still a hurting child - is feeling rejected.

An unhappy childhood is something you carry with you for your whole life, and if you want to build a happy family now, you need to be prepared for your feelings about family to ambush you. You need to have the sort of relationship where you can talk about that with your partner without blaming him and where it's safe for you to explore these things.

Do you want children of your own? If so, you need to be honest with your partner about that too. It sounds like this relationship is important to you, and you need to know that your partner is on the same page.

It's worth bearing in mind that I am not included in these dinners.

You will never be included in these dinners as you will never be, and shouldn't be, part of that family unit. When you are much more established as a couple you would have dinners with his children, but his ex would not be there!

This isn't a post about my role as a step mum

You are not a step mum and you need to understand what would be expected of you (way way in the future when you are established in a LTR and married/living together) and if you think you could really be a step mum. This means playing a significant part in their childrens lives, but not a leading part. Letting your dp and his ex make the decisions together for their children and you supporting the decision THEY made, even if you don't 100% agree with it. Stepping back when it comes to parents evenings/school concerts/graduations/big birthdays etc. Accepting your dp will have long term financial and time responsibilities to his existing children which may conflict with your future ideals for your own family.

It really is a huge/massive thing being a step mum which will impact your life long term, and not something to be entered into lightly. It sounds like you might have issues with not being included in their family unit, you need to think through if you can resolve these in your own head/heart before your relationship goes any further.

For full disclosure I am not a step mum, personally it is something I don't think I could do for similar reason to you I couldn't cope on the side-lines with little control on such big aspects of my life. I have left a relationship in the past due to this.

I think you need to consider whether a relationship with a man with kids is for you. If you're struggling with the use of the word "family" then I'd worry you're just not going to cope down the line and spend your life feeling excluded and unhappy. How will you feel when there are school events and you're not invited to those? When there are birthday parties for the kids and maybe the ex doesn't want you there (lots don't)? How will you feel if one of the kids is ill and your BF and his ex are at the hospital and you're not wanted or needed? There was a step dad on here recently who started a thread about just that sort of thing.

You have to make your peace with it all for your own sake, if you want to stay in this relationship. What you've started a thread about on here wouldn't even enter some people's heads as an issue - that is something to think about as you're already struggling with what many see as a non-issue. You have to be so emotional secure in yourself and resilient to deal with all that comes with potentially being a step parent. I have a SD myself and there's a lot to navigate. If I could choose/relive my life over I'm not 100% sure that this is what I'd choose for myself if I'm being completely honest. It's just so much easier with someone with less baggage. I'm over-sensitive and not terribly resilient either! Just to give you some context.

They are family, get a grip.

The it’s worth bearing in mind that I am not included in these dinners really suggests you think you should be, op. Why?
Why do you think you should be sitting round the table joining in discussions on matters relating to the children?

It’s none of your business, and even when you have considerably longer than 7 months under your belt, it will still be none of your business.

I think you've had some really shitty replies here. I agree with what you posted earlier OP that that he's already built a family unit with someone else. you've been together 7 months that's not exactly a couple of weeks and if he is frequently getting together with his ex to do family dinners, well where does that leave you in his version of his family? at what point is he going to consider that you are family enough to be included in things that he refers to as family?

I think if you want to build a family with someone then you'll need to walk away and find someone who doesn't already have a ready-made family. Being a stepmum is so hard on so many different levels. You may always feel like a second class citizen.

Like I said I get it and don't beat yourself up for smarting a little while you're getting used to it, as long as you know you are being a little bit unreasonable, probably just as it's so alien to what you've experienced before.

Maybe try and turn it around in your head and whenever you hear him say it, take it as an opportunity to check yourself and think what a lovely and mature attitude he has and what a healthy father figure he is and that these things are part of the reason you want to be part of your life.

Legit didn't mean that last paragraph to sound patronising sorry if it did, my parents broke up and I wish they'd put us first as much as your OH and his ex.

So try to focus on what a good part of his character this shows - I think you'll be ok it just takes a bit of getting used to and it's great you've taken everyone's thoughts on board

It’s not him having dinner with his ex and the children also being there - it’s the parents having dinner with their children.

The parents are putting their own feelings about each other and the demise of their personal relationship to one side, to be good and considerate parents. They are still a family unit in that sense - it isn’t something that threatens your very recent romantic relationship and is not something you should be involved in. Maybe much, much further down the line a occasional get together when the children are much older - maybe not.

For further clarification as I've not worded things clearly or well - they do discuss things over dinner but it's obviously primarily a social thing so they can spend time together. Obviously many aspects of parenting are discussed via other methods such as phonecalls and texting.

I think first and foremost the dinners are for them to spend time together as a family.

Also, some of these comments are replies to poster's messages and using their language in my responses - I am in their lives by default obviously because I'm part of their dad's life. I understand that I haven't become a stepmum over 7 months. I get that it doesn't work like that, if ever.

They are a family though. They get together and discuss the dc's as you have said. It's easier with both parents and where needed the dc's in the same room rather than ping pong texting, or calls and needing to ring back whilst others are asked.

But I know my own set up is considered odd by most. Two of my ex stepdads and their families still refer to me as family and we all invite each other to stuff. One has been on going for the past 30 years lol. The only person not involved is my mum as we are all nc with her. They included my own dc's into their families and when I met my adopted brother years ago, they also accepted his unit into the family. And yes my dc's dad was also included when we were together. My two 'dads' still refer to me as their daughter and my dc's their grandkids.

Well you said this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children, etc so obviously people took your post at face value and replied to it as such.

Plus it's also possible to remain on friendly terms with exes. Sometimes as partners, things don't work out and you are better suited as friends.

I think it's nice that he has a good relationship with his ex and it must be great for his kids BUT this wouldn't be a relationship that I would have been comfortable in. I would be thinking all sorts of things, which would of course be my issues not his, and ultimately I think I would be very jealous and worried that they might be doing something behind my back. Also, if you end up staying together and you have your own kids this might cause some difficulties.

I would walk away. But then I'm not you and only you can decide if this is something you can get on board with.

I think first and foremost the dinners are for them to spend time together as a family

And that is great ! Not just formal, stilted occasions where they are primarily running down a ‘to do ‘ agenda. The parents would be discussing practical plans for the children between themselves via messaging etc anyway. It’s a good thing that they can just enjoy time as a family despite the great big fracture running down the centre of their lives.

You should be pleased that you have met what sounds like, on this matter anyway, an decent man and parent and not seeing it as a negative. Hopefully they will still keep having a close family relationship even if you do start a family of your own. If you truly can’t face that then you should reconsider your future with him.

I'm not concerned that there is anything else going on between them. Their relationship ended a couple of years ago.