New BF Has Kids and Calls Them And His Ex 'Family'

[Dellin]

I've recently started dating a wonderful man with two lovely children (I don't have any).

I understand that he needs to have a relationship with his ex because of their children - they have joint custody (he has them 5 days a week, she has them 2 due to work commitments) but regularly he has over over to his house for dinner for what he calls 'family dinners' - this is for them to discuss various things going on with the children etc...

However it hurts that he considers and refers to the four of them as a family, a unit.

I know he's not with her, I know that their relationship ended three years ago, and I can accept that he has children (most people have a past at our age) - but this family dinner thing hurts, no matter how I try to reason it with myself.

I didn't have the happiest of childhoods and don't have a close relationship with my own family. I have always wanted my own home and family more than anything. I'm wondering if he considers that he has already built this with somebody else.

Thoughts and angles welcome - I know how easy it is to get stuck in your own head...

For the record - I don't have any desire to 'stop it' or change it. I recognise it as something positive.

I'm working towards acceptance of it all.

I think I'd rather my partner was like this than not like this, if that makes sense.

It shows maturity and kindness, putting the kids first so they feel safe and secure.

Of course you're allowed to feel a bit of a sting about it even though you know it's actually a good thing and shows he has a nice character.

Dont be too hard on yourself but don't be too hard on him either.

@ThatCurlyGirl - I agree, it's a positive thing. But on a personal level it stings as I'm not included in these "family dinners".

To the kids that meal IS a family meal. When I was very young my dad would be invited to a family meal a few times a week at our house after they split and he was a bastard to my mum and siblings, I was his only one, and I will always be grateful for them doing that for me. I know that your head and heart may not agree on this but she will forever be a part of his life as his children's mother and, despite their relationship, will through the kids be a part of his family. Loving someone means learning to accept the baggage and past that comes with them and I know this is very hard on you, so I don't think your being unreasonable to have these feelings, as your feelings are valid but it's something you can either accept or not. I'm quite an insecure person at times so I totally get your view but as someone who was a child of separation I also get why he is doing as he is. Are you also invited to these dinners OP? If not perhaps you can ask to join one or two to blend his two families together?

You recently started dating - that means you're not family and you're not a step mom. Sorry if that seems harsh but there's no reason why you would be invited to these meals.

Would you rather his ex was a complete nightmare who played games and made his life hell?

I think that's a wonderful example of coparenting. Parents who can have meals or outings with their kids are likely to avoid many of the pitfalls of divorced families. My DD's friends dad always joins them for Christmas,

My head understands this. My heart doesn't.

Then you either choose to let your heart catch up, or you realise that you are not designed to be with a man who has children from a previous relationship.

Sorry to be blunt, but you are opening yourself up to ongoing pain if you insist on your b/f not acknowledging that he already has a family.

I don't understand why, rather than bemoaning unalterable facts, you don't prefer to celebrate that your b/f is a good man who is honouring his commitments.
Unless you can reconcile yourself to that, you are unsuitable to become an extended part of this family through 'blending' by becoming a stepmum or even possibly becoming the mother of the existing kids' half-sibling(s).

But on a personal level it stings as I'm not included in these "family dinners".

As someone who recently started dating their dad, you are not family. Sorry that stings, but it's true.

How long have you 2 been dating?

OP his actions may be all very well and good for his children and his ex but he needs to realise that he is not in a position to pursue a serious romantic relationship with someone else. It is perfectly possible to have a friendly co parenting relationship with your ex without regular dinners and the like. My own DH had a catch up in the pub every 3 months or so with the mother of his DC to discuss big stuff but anything else they just caught up over during weekly handovers .

If you've not been with your BF for long I would honestly let him go, step parenting is hell when your DP doesn't have your back and it will only get worse as your get more emotionally involved with him.

I actually think it would be weirder if you were included in these family dinners as you’ve only recently started dating.
Do you think he should see only you as his family now? As if you’re only early days, I think that’s a bit much.
I’m sure, if the relationship progresses, you’ll become involved in more things but you can’t force these things and by the sounds of it he has a very mature approach to parenting which I think makes him sound like a good guy.

How long have you been together?

I personally would struggle with this. What if things moved on between you and you were living together? Would he still be expecting to have "family time" just the four of them without you?

Fuck that shit.

They are a family. There’s nothing amiss with referring to two parents getting together with their kids over dinner as a “family” meeting.
It doesn’t indicate that he doesn’t have op’s back in the slightest, as a pp suggested?

Sounds like a great set up to me. I wish my ex had been able to be like that instead of an incommunicative twat! I think you need to think hard about whether you can deal with this long term & how things will evolve. Would you like to have DC together in the future? Would you, as a potential step mum & family member, be able to join in with these family occassions? Have you even met the kids mother?

OP I completely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it's things that other people might not understand that can really hurt and rankle under the skin.

Can I ask, if he started to refer to the dinners as "dinner with [ex name] and the children", would you feel differently about them? In which case is it just the word "family" and including his ex in that description (and excluding you) which you are finding so painful??

When I first moved in with my now husband (of 20 years!) he would a couple of times a week or so call his ex-wife to make arrangements for picking up/ seeing the children (I might add, we met 2 years after they split). She would pick up the phone and he would say, "it's me" and then the conversation would carry on about arrangements etc.

It sounds so irrational now, but my DH saying "it's me" used to REALLY upset me - it was so familiar, and intimate. I plucked up the courage one day to mention to him, that it upset me in ways I couldn't really articulate, and instead could you just say "it's Fred?". Bless him he did and never said anything more about it.

if your man is as wonderful as you say he is (and it does sounds like he is behaving well, maturely and like a grown up with regards his ex and responsibilities to his children) don't throw away a good relationship. Try to work it out.

why would you be involved op,,,,my your own omission youve only "recently" started dating.

I really think if this is hard for you now- bail!

It's not worth bearing in mind you don't get invited to these dinners. Why would you be as you aren't his wife. Having a shit childhood is no excuse for having an issue with jealousy over him sharing the four are family. If you've been together five minutes then maybe you will get over your dislike of this situation but if you've been together more than six months I doubt it will change.

But why would you be included in the dinners etc? You are not part of his family. I think you are trying to be something you're not - you are simply a friend with no shared history and you don't know whether or not you have a future... you can't just step in to a family and pretend you are part of it.

You're probably not included as, by your own admission, your relationship is a fairly recent thing. In time you'll probably become more involved and more part of the family. At the moment you aren't a step mum, you're a fairly new girlfriend. (not meaning that in a condescending way or meaning you've no importance)

You have stated that your partner is a nice man,and has lovely children, so he sounds the kind of man who would do the right thing regarding seeing his children often,and also his ex. There is nothing wrong with this,it's the best outcome after a family split up.

It's perhaps hard for you to understand,or like this, but you have to try and put yourself in your partners position. He can't stop saying this is his family,because it is his family as such.

He probably calls it family dinner as that's what the kids call it.

How long have you been together? This would affect whether you are invited or not. Do you know the children well?

The length of your relationship is key.

If you had been together for a year or more, had been introduced and spent a lot of time with the children and then were not allowed to go to 'family dinners' then I can understand it stinging.

If you have been together for a couple of months and barely spent time with the children if introduced at all then I think it would be weird for you to be invited.

Your bf has a family. Those children will always be his family, even if you stay together, and his ex will always be part of the family as they are linked with the children. You have to accept it all or none of it and there is nothing wrong with it if you can't, but you need to decide before you invest more time into the relationship.

At this point in time you either need to accept their positive relationship to keep stability and unity for their children or realise that it isn't for you and find someone with no children/history.

I get on well with my ex-H, he's father to my daughter and we have been split for over 10 years. We don't have dinners together, but have always kept a united and amicable relationship. He is remarried and his wife is lovely. In fact when I split with my cheating ex last year, they were both very supportive.

I'd much rather be with someone who puts their children first, than with one who has no regard. This is really your issue to surmount as he isn't doing anything wrong at all except being a good father.