Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

I’m sorry - it’s not ridiculous.
Drunken consent is still consent, and very different from being incapable of consent through alcohol.

So yes - it’s when you CAN’T consent because you are incapacitated by alcohol - which is exactly what I said, and no not ‘just’ unconscious - it could be in such a state as to be listless, incognisant, unaware of surroundings, uncommunicative etc. But that is what we don’t know.

Drunken consent is still consent. Is that what you are disputing as ridiculous?

Sorry @katy78 cross post. Well I’d say that not remembering doesn’t prove that you were incapable. It doesn’t prove you weren’t either. Like - I’ve known people scream and punch walls and damage property the night before and have no recollection the next day - but they were hardly incapacitated the night before.

Ex partners are the single biggest threat to the fidelity of current relationships because of the history, familiarity, comfort. All the new relationship inhibitions and negotiations have been well moved past. Falling back into a routine is almost reflexive. like muscle memory, like riding a bike.

I think there is a good chance that this meetup was not something completely new, that they had never done as a couple in the past, even drunk sex. I imagine there was a certain familiarity in the environment, behaviour, and possible outcome. And sure, it may have planned, setup, or what ever by him, though maybe not, we don't know, but regardless, the OP had to know on some level that this was a possible outcome.

The nonsense I referred to as per the quote was wrt a ‘guarantee’ of ‘conviction’.

@Dadaist Well if you were to sign a contract while in a blackout that wouldn’t be legally binding.

@TatianaLarina - yes fair point - That was lazy of me - I think what I meant was it’s not clear cut.

@Katy78 - not remembering you signed the consent form when drunk is exactly what happens when people wake up with a tattoo.

I don’t think we can compare rape to getting tattoos.

@Dadaist Also you are trying to say you can consent to sex when in a blackout because you would be held legally accountable if you say punched someone in a blackout, which is correct. You are held legally accountable if you commit a crime when in a blackout, which is why being drunk is not a defence for a perpetrator of rape. But being a perpetrator and a victim of a crime is two different things!! I’ve asked multiple times for you to provide a reference to the law to back up your claims and you haven’t. I think this stuff you keep posting are just your personal opinion, you believe people so drunk they can’t even remember consenting shouldn’t be allowed to say they have been raped. You have no idea the kind of trauma these people who go through this experience and the huge impact this can have on their life. I think you need educating about consent.

I hope you've had the decency to tell him by now.
So many double standards on this thread. It's ridiculous.

I'm a bit baffled by the idea of meeting up with the ex and having cocktails to discuss the children.
If I were your dp I think I'd have a hard time understanding why you met up with your ex in this way to supposedly discuss the children.
Just sounds a bit unlikely.

@katy78 - OK - I think we both have a very different understanding of ‘blackout’. I’m using it to mean where someone does not remember what they said or did while drunk, a hole in their memory. You seem to be saying that a blackout - is not retrospective - (when thinking about the night before) but is a level of inebriation that others will recognise? I don’t quite get that?

Anyway - for clarity - anything you DO while drunk is no different to what you might DO sober as regards activity - illegal or otherwise. If you actively consent to sex - however drunk you are - you have actively consented. The end.

If you are incapacitated you are passive - you can’t actively consent and are incapable of doing anything (including punching walls etc). Like when I was young you’d end up with someone writing in your face or hiding your shoes in that state.

I don’t doubt the horrendous experience of people who have been taken advantage or sexually abused in that state. And of course the fact that they can’t remember is an indicator that they were in that state.

I’ve not said anywhere that not remembering whether you consented means you can’t accuse rape (that would be ridiculous).

I absolutely don’t need educated about consent - sex with anyone very drunk is best avoided - but not because once you are over the drink drive limit it’s rape - but because their judgement may be impaired and it may be something they regret.

Your suggestion is that two ‘blackout’ drunken people can rape each other - unless you see sex as something only ‘done’ by men and only passively ‘accepted’ by women - which is what comes across and confuses consent with passivity.
I’m afraid it’s you that needs educating by perpetuating the myths used to acquit countless accused rapists - that regret is not lack of consent.

Forgot to add - Reference as requested: from the high court..
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/does-yes-mean-yes-even-when-drunk-5273wn058tr

Offs. That article was from 2005 and the then solicitor general Mike O’Brien was so appalled that it led to a change in the rules.

That judge assumed consent simply because sex had taken place. But the evidence from the complainant was compelling.

Rape CAN only be committed by a man. You have to have a penis to commit rape. The most a woman can do to a man is sexual assault that is written into UK law.

Please do not post news articles as references to back up claims as facts!!! Legislation only please.

Well done for owning your actions. Unfortunately the damage is now probably done. You need to tell your dp and fully expect the relationship to end.

To the posters who say the OP did not give consent: so you know that the OP did not give consent or is it that YOU are creating that story and lie?

Posters are saying that no-one knows if OP consented, including the OP.

Actually Katy78 I think the law changed so that it is rape with an object- and it doesn’t have to be a vagina now either - there is oral and anal rape. And the perpetrator can be of either sex.

But I’ve always run in the strict definition of PIV sex. Nevertheless- anal rape oral rape is common parlance and there has always been sexual assault where it’s something other than PIV - which can be just as serious.

Anyway - I agree with you @TatianaLarina that no one really knows what happened, other than OPs ex - we don’t know for sure that OP consented.

The only point I ever made was that OP not being able to remember does not change that uncertainty, it may give an indication that there wasn’t consent - but no certainty - for reasons we probably shouldn’t rehearse.

Signing on to update: I told my DP everything. He’s obviously very hurt and has asked for a time out to think things through. He had a lot of questions for me which I answered truthfully.

I don’t think he will be able to forgive me for this, I’m not sure I can forgive myself so I cant expect him to. As for my lunatic of an ex, my DP and I called him together and told him that any hopes he had of blackmailing me were over. He will fuck off for a while now.

Whilst I despise my ex right now I have reaponsibility for what I did. For going for the drinks in the first place and then the whole sorry affair after.

Well done. That was a brave thing to do and shows you respect your DP. I really hope you can get past this as a couple.

Speaking as someone who was betrayed by her ex having repeated full blown affairs and it ended my marriage I'm not convinced that you need to tell him if it was a one off mistake. I'd only do it if you're sure your ex will tell DP.

A mistake is a mistake and you can never undo the hurt for your DP once he knows.

@Suchanidiotpart2 You are very brave. We all make mistakes and anyone who tells you they don't needs to examine their own conscience. I genuinely think you should both seek couples counselling