Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

@MaybeDoctor

In terms of the need to 'come clean', your DP is not your husband or fiancé and you are not about to walk down the aisle together. You are still near the beginning of a new relationship and about to take it one step further by moving in together. You are regarded by law as single and have made no vows of fidelity, so I think what happened, although not what you wanted in a million years, can be put to one side.

Seriously?? Some people never marry, is it ok for them to cheat indefinitely in that case? If my partner's defence for cheating on me was "we're not married" I would probably skin him. This is so unacceptable and disrespectful towards this man, who is currently at the last stage of being able to easily detach himself following a betrayal. Once he's moved in finding this out would absolutely turn his life upside down. So cruel.

Many on here might want to create a narrative of the OP being tricked, drink being spiked, or raped.

Whereas some rather silly posters want to create a narrative of false accusation because they can’t really grasp the true complexity of the situation.

It’s incredible isn’t it? How posters literally hand someone the ‘cheaters’ script’ and say - this will work.
It goes like this OP

1. LIE
2. If confronted- DENY
3. If questioned - GASLIGHT (make your DP think they are paranoid, crazy - just mind fuck them for ever doubting you).
4. If confronted with evidence - ONLY ADMIT WHAT CAN BE PROVED.
5. MINIMISE - (he just walked me home, it was just a kiss, it was only the one time etc)
6. Return to 1 above.

The damage done to relationships by this behaviour is truly horrendous for anyone in the receiving end. It can lead to months and years of doubt and even severe anxiety in a partner.
And worse than that - you have an ex who would be delighted to see you ruin your relationship from the beginning by going down this path - knowing he may be able to blow it up at any time if you don’t do what he wants?
And there are people here suggesting that this should be your plan to take into a new relationship?
OP - these people are already gaslighters in their own lives, they have impoverished relationships in which they never feel good enough because they hide who they truly are, they never enjoy true intimacy because deception kills intimacy-they have black hearts and they want you to join their miserable club! And once in there really is no easy way out!
Perhaps you are still too involved with feelings for your ex to begin a new relationship- perhaps it is something that will never happen again and this is a wake up call. Either way it’s something you need to discuss with your partner if you want to enter into a serious relationship with him.

@AE18

Sorry, I do realise that this view is unpalatable to people in long-term committed relationships. But ultimately a man who lives with a woman can pack his bags and end the relationship/move on with very little legal implications. Well actually, he can take his bags, get a taxi to the registry office and marry someone else that same day because in the eyes of the law he is regarded as single. And the same goes for a woman. The ties are looser, whatever we might like to think.

The OP could confess, but what good would it do? Whereas if she retains her relationship with her DP (perhaps marrying further down the line?) they may have a family life of mutual happiness ahead of them, including for her children.

I have been in a relationship for 25+ years and married for nearly 17 of those, so my views on infidelity are probably influenced by that. People are ultimately mammals and I think, taking a lifetime perspective, a sexual act with the wrong person is less important than the weight we give it in today's society.

Your ex is not the bastard here op....

MaybeDoctor - you are now saying it’s ok to take deception into a marriage? That then it’s basically too late if you were hoping for someone true anyway, and happiness can be founded on deceit?

What good would lying do you ask @MaybeDoctor?- other than fool someone into a relationship, which is far worse than manipulating them into bed!
How can you justify that? -we know nothing of what’s going on here.

What if she goes back to her ex in five years after more kids with new partner who was blissfully unaware of her conflicted feelings because of her deceit - you think that level of deceit is OK. To fuck someone’s life up with lies because you get what you think you want at the time. At best it’s just adolescent - at worst it’s the morals of alley cats!

Of course I believe in fidelity and think it is the best possible situation upon which to build your life. If you have two people who love each other and never look at or think of anyone else, then that is a beautiful thing. But I also think that a one-off, out-of-character act of infidelity should not mean the end of a relationship.

But that is not the situation the OP is in. The vase is cracked. What is the best outcome for everyone now? I think it is to glue the crack, turn it to the wall and carry on living to give herself and everyone else the best possible chance of happiness.

Also, if an act of infidelity makes a person so beyond the pale, then why is it so prevalent?

@MaybeDoctor

"But I also think that a one-off, out-of-character act of infidelity should not mean the end of a relationship."

I get what you're saying, but the point is that shouldn't be her choice to make. When you get into an exclusive relationship you accept that you have an agreement to be loyal, and if your partner is willing to forgive you for breaking that promise should be entirely their choice.

If I found out after 50 years of marriage or on my death bed that my partner had cheated on me early on it wouldn't make me feel better that it was a long time ago, it would probably send me into an absolute mental spiral of thinking I had wasted my entire life on someone who wasn't who I thought they were. If your main ambition in life is to have a family with someone who loves you and respects you (as it is for many people) then by lying about cheating on them you are robbing them of the life they wanted. We only get one life and I think it's the worst thing you could do to someone to take their life from them because it wouldn't serve your purpose to tell the truth.

Add to the mix that he has already made significant sacrifices to the life he will have envisioned to accommodate her child and ex, and for what? To be lied to and disrespected?

No, he deserves to be with someone who wouldn't take so much from him and then cheat, and he deserves the chance to decide for himself if he's willing to accept not having that.

I feel so sorry for your DP, I hope he leaves and manages to heal from this.

You made a mistake but it’s your DP who will hurt the most from this. You fucked your ex in the same bed you fuck your DP in and you weren’t even planning on telling your poor DP either. It’s just so awful.

I don’t think you get it really do you @maybedoctor? It’s not the ‘act’ of infidelity- which seems to me to be mundane in its a very usual life story - got drunk, slept with an ex - shouldn’t have!
The issue is choosing to lie about it. I think it sounds forgivable- if I was her DP I might be able to overlook it - they’ve not yet moved in together. But it would tell me something about who OP is, her feelings for her ex - whether she is ready - whether we should slow down and see how things develop-...you see - that would give her DP a genuine choice. And if her DP is appalled and it’s a deal breaker THAT’S HIS CHOICE TOO!!!
What YOU are saying is that he shouldn’t be allowed to make that choice in case he doesn’t choose to overlook it like you would!!
It really isn’t up to you or others to determine how serious we should be about fidelity- or whether we should overlook it, it’s up to the person betrayed!! This isn’t difficult!
And if our Grandmothers were quite used to turning a blind eye to the occasional dalliance - marriage can be long and we are all human, and they didn’t let it affect their overall happiness - fine - that was their choice. I doubt they had very intimate relationships anyway! But it’s ok to not want that too! It’s ok to want a true and genuine relationship of honesty and intimacy. And if ‘modern fashionable’ people want that - then lies and deception are incompatible-regardless if whether we can expect 100% fidelity.

I feel so sorry for your DP, I hope he leaves and manages to heal from this

Me too.

This thread has shown how many are ok with infidelity s long as the other person doesn’t find out. So those who are against telling, you’d be ok if the DP was your son or brother etc?

@Lifeandjoy Please explain to me how you can consent to sex if you are so drunk you cannot remember a thing about it? What does the law say about that?

OP, someone mentioned that the guilt will get to you and I agree.

As for some of the comments on this thread, I do wonder if these are same people who "support" the women on here who have gone through or are going through emotional and psychological abuse. Maybe they should re-read the comments because they are bullying and abusive, if these came from a partner they would indeed be domestic abuse.

I also agree with the posters who have said that on MN infidelity seems to be a crime only punishable by prison! I ( as I have posted before) am a "victim" of infidelity, and I DO NOT BELIEVE this to be the case. Yes it's hurtful but there are many many reasons for it. It is not always "he/she is a selfish B"

At the end of the day only you can decide what to do. My fear for you is that next week, next month, in 10 years....it will rear it's head again and at that point it will be too difficult to even comprehend. Be honest with your DP. With all the details you have given here, and suggest couples therapy. People get though this.

OK @Lifeandjoy - I’ll try and explain if I can... every day the courts hear from people (invariably men) who are accused of say verbal abuse, assault or worse. And invariably alcohol is involved. And often the accused will claim that they were drunk. Being drunk does not mean that you are not culpable- even if you do something when drunk that you would never do sober. Some people drink to the point of ‘blackout’ where they have no recollection of what they did. It doesn’t mean they are not responsible. It is very common for people to say they can’t remember what they did when drunk.

To be incapable of consent doesn’t mean drunk enough to not remember - it means having no agency capable of refusing or repelling someone. We don’t know whether that is the case for OP - if so it would definitely be rape. But we know they went drinking together, drank to excess, and somehow ended up back at OPs house and in her bedroom. That he wore a condom which OP believes she must have insisted on or he would not have used it. We don’t know what her physical and mental state was - but diminished responsibility is not the same as incapacity.
So I think what I’m saying is the law would have less interest in whether she could recall the events, unless it indicated that she was rendered incapable of consent, which is not the same as being very drunk.
And we really don’t know beyond reasonable doubt.

@Katy78 - sorry, above was in reply to your question about being drunk and consent. I’m saying being outrageously drunk does not mean you are incapable of consent - but it doesn’t mean you were capable either. It depends on your actual state.

But I also think that a one-off, out-of-character act of infidelity should not mean the end of a relationship."

That's the partner's decision though surely? It's for him to decide if he can forgive and forget this act of cheating. It's also wrong to get him to move in and then tell him the truth. Tell him before he gives up his current home so that he still has somewhere to live.

@Dadaist Thanks, do you have a reference to support your assertion, which to sum up appears to be: Iif a person was blackout drunk and had sex (therefore unable to recall the events as blackouts = unable to form new memories), that a court of law would state the person was capable of giving consent?

This isn’t a court dada, so it’s not why you’re coming out with this amateurish and confused pseudo legalese.

No recall of the night’s events indicates the possibility of being too drunk to consent, and no assurance that there was consent.

In the case of a decent guy there’s no reason to think anything untoward but with an abusive ex with a history of violence, coercive control and gaslighting, who wants to get back with OP, there is a very big question mark hanging over the whole event.

I’m not it’s ^^

@katy78 - I didn’t say anywhere that being drunk equals capable of consent (that would be a stupid thing to say). I’m saying that being so drunk you don’t remember the next day doesn’t mean incapable of consent. We don’t know what state she was in when it happened.

@tatianlarina - of course it’s absolutely possible OP was raped - I’m responding about the law because of the question was about what the law would have to say. I’m just saying that suffering a black out doesn’t mean incapable of consent - it means not remembering- which is not the same thing.

I agree - it’s possible she was unconscious - which would definitely be rape. But OP thinks it’s possible she might have consented - so we can’t know - and the law would require ‘beyond reasonable doubt’.

I’m not saying speculating about what happened to OP - I’m saying that being drunk, even very drunk, and not remembering, would not guarantee a conviction. It depends on whether there was no capacity for consent, not whether consent was given under the influence of alcohol.

All else aside, you do the right thing now. You come clean to your ex, you can mention that you drank too much and can't remember things and he can take it as he will but you certainly don't lie about it or keep it a secret. Some people on here have really questionable morals.

Just because your ex was a dick and you made a 'mistake' and slept with him does not mean you have the right to be a dick to your partner by lying about it. I get the feeling you know this but some people on here...eeeesh. Yes it probably is what your ex wants and yes, it may break you up but ultimately he still wont really get what he wants (you, back). And whether it's what he wants or not - you do the right thing. That's what makes us worthy of love and hopefully, of forgiveness.

If I was your partner and you told me you told everything I would feel this way: you cheated on me but (in time) at least you came clean about it, your ex probably set things up and you drank too much so weren't thinking the clearest. However, IF things are to go forwards, I would ask you to agree that you can no longer meet the ex socially and you must keep to a one drink maximum when out and about in future.

That's assuming he is A. the rational type and B.inclined to forgive you. If he is the sort of person who would only 'forgive' you (hold it over you forever) then maybe that is a good thing to find out now.

You made a mistake, don't let your ex hold it over you forever and don't let him turn you into a bad person who lies to someone they care for.

What I find totally disingenuous on here is when people throw out the don’t destroy the relationship to assuage your own guilt line. Some of these people seem to think she’s actually doing him a favour by not getting telling him - nothing to with their own self interest. Oh no, definitely not that, its all because it’s what’s best for him.

Ok, perhaps a one night stand deeply regretted when pissed could (and perhaps I’m too generous here) genuinely be considered a moral thing to do when the partner is married, stuck with a huge mortgage and a couple of kids in the mix this guy is just in the beginning of the process of moving in.

Nobody wants the upheaval of having a costly divorce, being split up with their children etc but both are still in good positions to split and walk away. He definitely needs to know and doesn’t owe the OP anything

I’m responding about the law because of the question was about what the law would have to say.

You don’t seem to have a clue tho so I’d stay off the subject.

She wouldn’t need to have been unconscious simply incapacitated by alcohol.

I’m saying that being drunk, even very drunk, and not remembering, would not guarantee a conviction. It depends on whether there was no capacity for consent, not whether consent was given under the influence of alcohol.

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

@Dadaist I’m saying that being so drunk you don’t remember the next day doesn’t mean incapable of consent. Reference?! I would say it absolutely means incapable of consent.