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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

328 replies

Suchanidiotpart2 · 23/07/2019 22:50

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

OP posts:
samyeagar · 24/07/2019 23:50

Not telling for the reason of sparing someones feelings in something like this is just rationalization. The real reason is to avoid the consequence of losing the relationship.

Lifeandjoy · 24/07/2019 23:59

Samyeagar, she has already lost the relationship. Even if her current partner does not know about the betrayal she does and so does her ex. The OP will never be at peace. It's a mess and any relationship with lies and deception will never be a happy one.

This sexcapade will come out eventually. There were two of you involved and one of you is determined to tell. Your ex will tell. He may not tell your partner but he will tell. You can deny all you like or even go down the route that some are advising ie, cry rape. It will come out in the open. If you wish to lie, you have to rest on the hope that your reputation is so solid that no one would believe you would ever do something like that and you have to hope that your ex cannot provide details on the where and when that would convince people and even your current partner.

I guess actions have consequences.

samyeagar · 25/07/2019 00:04

And going back to the first post...he turned on the charm, and kept ordering drinks...

This is the abusive ex that no way she could trust, that she is free from. How is it that one, knowing his ways, falls for his charms, and then somehow can't stop drinking the drinks?

For me, even meeting up with him in the first place either be ared flag, but what ever, but I could see a glass of wine to be polite, but just because he is buying them doesn't mean she has to drink them.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2019 00:19

I agree...video or photographic evidence isn't required for the ex to tell her current DP.

He could simply describe her clothing, down to her underwear and the timeline of the incident would tie in with you being with your Ex.

Even if he said he believed you and didn't end it, there would always be that nagging doubt in his mind. Don't deny...that would be gaslighting.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 25/07/2019 00:44

Or if the ex's girlfriend got suspicious and hacked into his phone (as often recommended on mums net) saw any texts it is very likely she would be contacting the OP's partner, either directly or through Facebook or Instagram, to let him know..

Hithere12 · 25/07/2019 00:59

OP ignore all the people giving you shit. Plenty of people cheat and feel zero guilt, you’re clearly not a bad person if you feel this much remorse.

samyeagar · 25/07/2019 01:04

@hithere12 I absolutely agree she is not a bad person. She made a sequence of bad choices, that's all. But... a good person owns their shit, and tells the truth, and accepts the consequences of their choices.

thunderandlightening35 · 25/07/2019 02:02

I'd tell him, I suspected this was happening to me, I had a feeling - and then I found out anyway which hurt a lot more than if he'd been honest with me. At least if you're honest you can work on it with a clear head if that's what you both want.
I wish I'd been given that choice 💔

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 25/07/2019 02:04

Well you were well able to make sure it was safe sex so you knew what you were doing.

What a shitty situation, we all make mistakes op, not condoning what you've done but no need to kick you when you're down.

I wouldn't tell him.

mathanxiety · 25/07/2019 05:00

The condom was found in the room the next morning by the OP. She has no recollection of any discussion about condoms. It's not an indication that the OP was in a position to ask for safe sex, Rubbinghimsweetly.

mathanxiety · 25/07/2019 05:06

This is the abusive ex that no way she could trust, that she is free from. How is it that one, knowing his ways, falls for his charms, and then somehow can't stop drinking the drinks?

For me, even meeting up with him in the first place either be ared flag, but what ever, but I could see a glass of wine to be polite, but just because he is buying them doesn't mean she has to drink them.

Maybe you've never heard of drinks being spiked then...

MyOtherProfile · 25/07/2019 05:09

Don't ever meet your ex again. So many women manage shared children purely via email or an intermediary.

Have you told your dp now?

mathanxiety · 25/07/2019 05:09

Seriously people, based on what we're actually know here, what can she possibly take to the police to prove blackmail?

Coercive control by means of blackmail is a crime just as demanding money through blackmail is.

If this man has sent any hints in writing that he will tell the new DP, or made any demands of her, or if he hints in writing that he has photos or video of the OP, then she needs to go to the police.

Purpleartichoke · 25/07/2019 05:15

There is. O such thing as “safe sex”. It is “safer sex”. Using a condom does not mean zero risk. You don’t have to tell your dp about your infidelity, but you need to get tested to know you aren’t putting him at risk and that will require abstaining while you wait to make sure the tests are far enough post exposure to be reliable.

mathanxiety · 25/07/2019 05:28

Agree ^^

OP you need to get tested.

Your abusive ex may have deliberately exposed you to an STD.

msmith501 · 25/07/2019 05:37

This may have been mentioned in an earlier post, so apologies if I've missed it, but is it possible that sex didn't even take place? Both drink and maybe not even capable of sex? Was the condom from earlier in the day with another woman? Did the controlling ex think it'd be fun to have a wank into a condom and leave it lying about to fool the OP into thinking they'd had sex?

.... all far fetched I know but the OPs recollection of the actual events is blurred at best.

TatianaLarina · 25/07/2019 06:10

Of course it’s entirely possible sex didn’t take place. OP only has the word of an abusive man who wants her back.

As she has no recall of sex there’s a question mark over whether it happened at all. If it did I’m not sure she was in a state to have ‘capacity to consent’.

It’s possible that the condom was nothing to do with her, you’re right, it could have a posh wank. As she said he didn’t usually use condoms there’s a question mark over that.

Whatisinaname1 · 25/07/2019 07:14

I dont think you'll ever get the truth from your ex OP, and it's very possible that you need to be single right now to try and get past this hold he still has over you that meant you spent time and got drunk with him.

When you tell your dp state the facts as you know them. Your dp will then make a choice whether to forgive or leave- you cant contol that.

Your ex is a total shit, the only way you can rid yourself of his controlling attempts to blackmail is have no secrets. Lying isn't fair on your dp or you. Nor is it guaranteed your dp would believe you. Lying is as toxic to a relationship as cheating.

There's been a lot of comments on your updates about consent, and it does sound like you dont know if you did. You were both very drunk, drinking triples (why with him?) To get drunk? Was he as drunk as you? Or were you drinking heavier? Drinking triples I'm not surprised you can't remember. Ive been there with memory gaps, thankfully not with an abusive ex though, im guessing you are sure on the sex taking place though, perhaps from your own body's feeling? That's how i knew.

Whatisinaname1 · 25/07/2019 07:17

And i wonder what your exes girlfriend would say on both the alleged sex and blackmail? Take the power from him and then I'd tell her. Control is taken back to you.

nespressowoo · 25/07/2019 07:20

You will absolutely have to tell him. He won't want to love in either. Sorry, OP.

lifebegins50 · 25/07/2019 07:46

Op, how long have you separated from Ex?

I think you need to tell your dp as it suggests you are not fully healed yet and that has consequences for the life he is planning with you.

If you were fully healed you would be able to have appropriate boundaries with your ex and wouldn't be able to fall for is charm.
You are still vulnerable which makes the foundation for your new relationship shaky.

Given you have DC it's not a good bet for either of you take. Rather than focus on hiding it or getting your dp to forgive recognise it as a flashing stop light that says you are not yet healed.
Many women remain under the spell of an abusive partner for a while and it takes time to let that go.

expatinspain · 25/07/2019 08:07

It's quite possible to be blackout drunk and have remember to use a condom or have conversations and have periods where you appear normal. Your brain isn't functioning properly and you're not in a fit state at all and certainly not capable of giving consent. Read this article for any doubters. I'm sure the OP is feeling bad enough already without any of the comments on here!

www.verywellmind.com/are-alcohol-blackouts-real-66608

Lifeandjoy · 25/07/2019 09:01

Many on here might want to create a narrative of the OP being tricked, drink being spiked, or raped. The OP cannot let regret lead her to falsely accuse someone of criminal behaviour.

The OP's partner will no doubt want to understand why the OP never mentioned to him that she was meeting her ex at the pub for drinks. The OP had already told her current partner about her abusive ex. If it were me, I would have told my current partner about any meetings. Even if it was arranged at the last minute, I'd have called or text my partner to tell him.

OP, you may not like to hear it but sometimes tough love is good. You need to own up to your mistake here and examine why you ended up in this mess. I agree with a previous poster who said you are probably have not completely moved on from your ex.

Also, if you falsely accuse your ex of criminal behaviour, I hope he takes you to task and report you to the police. No one has a right to falsely accuse someone to cover up their mistake. It's chilling to see so many people actively encouraging you to make things up and to create a new story in your head where you have no responsibility for what happened and to think a crime was committed against you.

I do hope that you don't make an already bad situation even worse for you.

Prestoli · 25/07/2019 09:11

''I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex''

How kind of you

MaybeDoctor · 25/07/2019 09:41

I honestly think that this has to go in the vault of terrible mistakes that you must take learning from, but not allow to destroy your life. This is not the 19th Century. While you made some errors (why on earth did you meet for drinks rather than a coffee?) your ex is certainly more to blame than you.

In terms of the need to 'come clean', your DP is not your husband or fiancé and you are not about to walk down the aisle together. You are still near the beginning of a new relationship and about to take it one step further by moving in together. You are regarded by law as single and have made no vows of fidelity, so I think what happened, although not what you wanted in a million years, can be put to one side. I know that my views on this are unusual, but there it is.

If your ex ever tries to mention it just brazen it out with a cool stare and flat out denial. Use body language to help eg. if he comes to the door to collect the children, be slightly turned away and laughing (as if you are chatting to someone in the background) as you open the door. Or have a friend there. Act bored, slightly off-hand and factual. Don't let him over the threshold, ever. This will become easier the more time that passes.