Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

I'm a bit confused. In your original post you said My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week and in a later post said I haven’t had sex with my partner. If that's the case I'm wondering how long you've been with him and is it not unusual to move someone into your home with you and your children and you've never had sex with him?

In any event, it's a mess which I hope you can resolve. I honestly don't know whether you should tell or not.

@silverysurfer

I took it to mean that she had not had sex with her partner since having sex with her ex.

Ah, that makes more sense, thanks.

This is a bizarre thread. OP you fucked up, we all do, you know have an opportunity to own this, be honest and do the right thing by your new dp. Don't ever put yourself in a situation with your ex like that again, you shouldn't have even shared one drink with him.

RTFT Fir

@suchanidiotpart2
If your ex has the gall to blackmail you, how do you know he didn't fill the condom himself to set you up?

I would just deny it to hell and back, BUT only if I was absolutely certain he didn't record/film you etc.

Don't tell your DP. Don't drink with your ex ever again or meet him alone for any reason. Sounds like you got blackout drunk. It's happened to me before and I've made some
very stupid decisions. Well, I say decisions, but I don't remember them, because I only remember flashes. I'm much more careful with what I drink now. Good people can do stupid shit when in this state.

The thing is that even denying that sex happened, there are still so many red flags around this, and keeping everything a complete secret for all of time is nigh on impossible.

This isn't a court of law where guilt has to be proven beyond all reasonable doubt with evidence and all that.

The ex wouldn't have to produce video or pictures to set off a chain of events. Most people would raise an eyebrow at her going out for drinks with him in the first place, and want to know more. All the ex would have to do sometime when they are all together, and it will happen if the OP and her current partner are together for any length of time, but all the ex would have to do is just drop a little "do you remember last July when we were out and you got really drunk?"

Also, it's not just the ex that has to be worried about here. A simple overheard snippet of a conversation between the OP and someone else.

Hell, just finding out that the woman I was a week away from moving in with had gone out one on one for drinks with her abusive ex-husband under the guise of the children, when it could have very easily been handled through email would be enough to make me balk at moving in with her. There is just something fundamentally off with that that would need to be figured out.

I think that it's really unfair of people to tell you not to tell your partner. He will have to accept the ex in your life together for the sake of your child and to ask that of him knowing a few drinks was all it took for you to go back there is incredibly selfish. Of course I'd be furious if my partner cheated but I can't think of anything that would make me more livid than knowing he'd done it with his ex after all the sacrifices I have made to accommodate his child. I'm sorry but I think it would be awful of you not to tell him.

@samyeagar
I don't agree - it depends how good she is at hard-faced lying 😉.
Her ex deserves to be treated with the same contempt that he levels at her.
OP don't be cornered by him and risk losing a lovely DP.

Could you not tell your DP the truth in that you don't honestly remember what happened: you don't recall getting home as you were that drunk.... Tell him that your ex is threatening to tell him you had sex... Explain that you bitterly regret getting drunk with him and putting yourself in such a vulnerable position?

@maevedidit

A bit late to treat him with contempt after he got the goodies again.

The thing is, she does not have full control of the narrative here. Even without malice on the part of the ex, people idly talk, and she has no control over that.

This is not one of those things that just be flat out denied when the clues start popping up with the other person just going "oh, ok makes sense. cool." Well, it can be denied, but once the surface is scratched, it will never go away and will always be a point of doubt.

but all the ex would have to do is just drop a little "do you remember last July when we were out and you got really drunk?"

What abusive exes have to say is irrelevant and should be treated with the contempt it deserves.

The obvious response is - the time you got me black out drunk and then claimed to have had sex with me while I was too drunk to consent? That time?

You can’t live your life by what abusive men might say, if OP had done that she would never have gotten away from him.

There is a narrative here that the abusive ex currently owns and controls. By either trying to hide it or flat out denying it, she will be constantly be playing defense and always having to react. The only way she can gain power over this situation is to own it herself. The only other choice is to live in fear of the power she has given to her abusive ex.

Tatiana, women who falsely cry rape do a great injustice to real rape victims. Please do not encourage the OP to lie about being raped.

DFOD.

Your ex may be abusive but you too are being manipulative and unfair towards your current partner. I can't see how you are any better than your ex in your attitude and behaviour. To contemplate claiming rape is beyond the pale.

Nowhere has the OP said anything about “claiming rape”, @Lifeandjoy. She in fact went as far as calling herself “the perp”, as it happens. (OP, you are not a perpetrator!)

It is other posters who have been considering the possibility of rape or coercion, based on her account of the night and probably also based on the fact the ex is known to be abusive.

Do not tell him and report the Blackmail.

The double standards on this thread is astonishing. Wow 😮

Seriously people, based on what we're actually know here, what can she possibly take to the police to prove blackmail? That she claims the ex wants to get back with her and has said he was going to tell her current they had sex? And if she would try that route, no more keeping this a secret

I still believe the OP needs to see (via camera evidence) exactly what happened at the pub/club where she met the Ex. OP cannot and should not admit to something she doesn't remember.

Chances are if she sees herself on the camera, it's going to jog some additional memories. It may also explain (if I recall the replies correctly) why the drinks were stronger than normal..

She simply must discount that she wasn't slipped something along the way and why she was so ''plastered'' to invite her Ex home when she clearly has negative experiences with him to date.

Something doesn't add up for her. OP if you are still with us on the thread, do you have a trusted friend who can hold your hand along the way? You need someone's support right now, whether it turns out to be a terrible decision on your part or something far worse on the part of your Ex.

I could be wrong but ime shops will only allow access to CCTV if a crime has been committed.

If the ex deliberately took you out, got you blind drunk and had sex with you in order to ruin your new relationship by blackmailing you, then this is sexual abuse, and not your fault after all. You are giving yourself too much of a hard time OP, and beating yourself up about it.

Don't let the ex win.

Jesus Christ, some of you lot are horrible aren't you.

Of course she should tell him, and of course he should leave her. Imagine being prepared to carry on a 'relationship' after this deceit.