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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP tried to kick DD out the house

274 replies

wallflower · 23/07/2019 18:14

DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together. My oldest is very nearly 17, about to go into her second year of college. Years ago her and DP used to get on really well but once she became a teenager they have had some difficulty getting on. She doesn't always want to listen to him, this often follows with the "you're not my dad" line but he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her. These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them. However yesterday, whilst I wasn't home they got into a huge argument, which ended with him sending DD to pack her bags, which is when I got home, asked what was going on and all DP said was "she needs to go", I told DD she didn't have to go anywhere but she said she was going to stay at her friend's house tonight anyway and left. According to DP the argument was over her telling him how to look after DD2, I don't have DD's side of the story yet. Arguments with them seem to blow out of proportion but it's never gone that far. He acts about the same age as her at times like this but also uses the authority he has over her and takes it too far. I think if he had it his way she would have been made to move out by now, it's ridiculous. DD hasn't yet returned but said she will later today, when DP has left for his night shift, I know she's okay though just angry with him.

OP posts:
SuzieQQQ · 24/07/2019 08:18

Just another mum placating her partner at the expense of her children. Grow up and put your kids first

Maddiemademe · 24/07/2019 08:34

My mum did the same to us growing up. In fact it went as far as to us actually being thrown out at 14 & 16. We have a very strained relationship now and I wouldn't dream of doing this to my own children.

You are a disgrace of a mother for allowing your poor DD to be put through this. It will destroy her self esteem and sense of worth. You could of and should have protected her a long time ago. You are going to have a bad wake up call in years to come let me tell you. There is absolutely no excuse for you not stopping him from the get go. Hope you are proud of yourself and your daughter doesn't blame herself for long because trust me, she will see you for what you are and how you have failed to protect her.

MrsXx4 · 24/07/2019 08:56

Shame on you OP.

Let your daughter read this thread so she knows at least someone is on her side and that there are people out there that would do the right thing by her.

stilldontgiveaf · 24/07/2019 09:29

There is nothing more frustrating than to see a person not protecting their child and almost accepting their partners behaviour.

I grew up with a step father who treated us step children like shit. Safe to say both me and my brother have our own issues now and deep down I'll never forgive my mother.

LegionOfDoom · 24/07/2019 09:35

WashingMyHair247

I agree with you because this is what happened to me. I was so unhappy at home and felt very pushed out, especially by my df. We seemed to butt heads but mostly because he was a control freak who wanted us to just follow him blindly. I met a much older man when I was 16 years old (he was 28) and thought he was my knight in shining armour. He wasn't. I stayed with him for a miserable 6 years because I felt trapped.

It took me a long time to rebuild my relationship with my parents. We were nc for 5 years and, even now, we get on but I’ll never 100% forgive them

Twisique · 24/07/2019 10:53

Time to step up OP!

SaraNade · 24/07/2019 13:41

I thought at 16 you'd be in year 11 at high school? 17/18 is the normal college (uni) entrance age where I am.

SaraNade · 24/07/2019 13:45

OP, any updates? Do you and him talk? Is your daughter home?

SaraNade · 24/07/2019 13:46

*Did
not Do.

TheJoxter · 24/07/2019 14:26

SaraNade it depends where in the year their birthday is, you turn 16 in year 11 but that can include during the summer hols at the end of yr 11. I’d guess OPs DD will turn 17 before september. Where I am college and uni are different things and you can go to college instead of 6th form so 16+

catofdoom · 24/07/2019 15:06

@SaraNade are you not in the UK? College and university are different things there.

catofdoom · 24/07/2019 15:07

I'm reporting personal attacks on the op. Really not ok.

Bookworm4 · 24/07/2019 15:48

@catofdoom
Really? It’s an emotive topic, people are upset due to the DD treatment and personal experience. Should we always be all 🌸❤️ all of the time? Never call anyone out on their shitty behaviour?

catofdoom · 24/07/2019 16:15

As I said upthread, I was thrown out by my step mother at age 15. After years of abuse.

But personal attacks won't help and they're not allowed on Mumsnet.

Some of the comments were vicious.

OpheliaTodd · 24/07/2019 16:20

If you were that bothered about her you’d have either put a stop to his bad treatment of her years ago - or kicked HIM out.

Poor girl.

BlueMoon1103 · 24/07/2019 16:33

If a man treated my DS like this I’d rip him a new arsehole.

Pinkmonkeybird · 24/07/2019 16:48

I was your DD as a teenager. My mother married a man who was so immature and she put him before myself and my siblings. I'm in my late 40s now and have never forgiven her for the selfishness. My DD is 16 years old and it would devastate me for her to have to leave home under such circumstances. I'd have been packing his bags and making him leave. Your DD must be feeling so vulnerable and unsupported right now...such a shame.

GummyGoddess · 24/07/2019 17:16

Have you spoken to him now? If he does it again you must end the relationship. Your daughter will resent you and potentially her siblings when she sees that they are treated well and she's treated like crap.

It is your responsibility to ensure that these relationships are not ruined, he is at the bottom of the list of importance.

chemicalworld · 24/07/2019 17:18

This happened to me. I will never forgive my Mum for putting him first. I have a good relationship with her, but in my twenties I had to question why on earth I should be there for her when she put herself first just so that she wasn't alone. I hate my stepdad - they are still together.

ContactLight · 24/07/2019 18:13

I thought it couldn't get worse, and then I read the reason for the argument, and that it was about your DD2 not eating her dinner.

So not only has he treated DD1 appallingly, your DD2 will now believe deep down that it all her fault that her big sister got thrown out.

You then go on to say that it wasn't a big deal, and not enough for them to be arguing about.

Christ Almighty woman, it doesn't matter what the argument was about. It shouldn't have mattered if your DD1 had done something appallingly bad. The fact of the matter is that he is only her stepfather, and HE HAS NO RIGHT TO THROW HER OUT OF HER HOME.

SilverySurfer · 24/07/2019 19:11

It sounds like you have given priority to this arsehole over the years and have allowed him to treat your DD differently which quite honestly is shocking. How could you give more importance to having a man in your life than ensuring the happiness of your DD.

Trying to address his behaviour towards her is not good enough. You talk about them as if they are equal - they shouldn't be - your DD should be your 100% priority and it's disgraceful that you have given him equal priority.

I couldn't have children and it makes me sick that people like you can and seemingly have no understanding what a precious gift a child is.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 24/07/2019 19:33

If your DD isn't in contact with her dad where was your DP expecting her to go long term?

wallflower · 24/07/2019 23:01

We spoke earlier and well that's our relationship down the drain but I can see it's for the better. I don't really want to go into too much detail but the "conversation" we had and how he reacted to it made it clear to me we can't be together if he's going treat my daughter like that

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 24/07/2019 23:05

I know its tough but youve really done the right thing. Please believe me

Redwinestillfine · 24/07/2019 23:09
Flowers
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