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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP tried to kick DD out the house

274 replies

wallflower · 23/07/2019 18:14

DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together. My oldest is very nearly 17, about to go into her second year of college. Years ago her and DP used to get on really well but once she became a teenager they have had some difficulty getting on. She doesn't always want to listen to him, this often follows with the "you're not my dad" line but he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her. These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them. However yesterday, whilst I wasn't home they got into a huge argument, which ended with him sending DD to pack her bags, which is when I got home, asked what was going on and all DP said was "she needs to go", I told DD she didn't have to go anywhere but she said she was going to stay at her friend's house tonight anyway and left. According to DP the argument was over her telling him how to look after DD2, I don't have DD's side of the story yet. Arguments with them seem to blow out of proportion but it's never gone that far. He acts about the same age as her at times like this but also uses the authority he has over her and takes it too far. I think if he had it his way she would have been made to move out by now, it's ridiculous. DD hasn't yet returned but said she will later today, when DP has left for his night shift, I know she's okay though just angry with him.

OP posts:

Megsheeran · 25/07/2019 08:12

I was your DD, my SD made my childhood nothing but bad memories, he then moved the family to the other side of the country when I was 16 and would not let me go with them. I am in my 50s now and have had no contact since then. I have got past resentment for my mum not loving me enough or protecting me, I simply have no feelings whatsoever. Life has been and is tough, including being homeless and mental health issues. Please stand up for your daughter and do the right thing by her, I am sure that you do love her but show it before it is too late.

C0untDucku1a · 25/07/2019 08:17

You've done the right thing now. He will probably try to worm his way back in making promises to change. He wont. And even if he did, what he has done to your daughter should mean any change doesnt matter. He stays gone.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/07/2019 08:20

I know it's hard and heartbreaking OP.
But I'm pleased to see that you are ending this relationship.
Well done.
I hope your relationship with your DD can now flourish.

TheRedBarrows · 25/07/2019 08:24

Well Done OP.

Category and differentname You might have noted that from the off I was on the side of the Dd and outraged that the man had kicked her out. There are ways for a Mum to let her Dd know that she is there for her other than arriving unannounced at the family home if her friend. Many teens, me when I was young and something similiar happened, my teens now, would hate that’s. The public drama, the having to decide in doorstep, she probably didn’t tell her friends Mim what had gone on.

A text, a call, a re-assurance that he would be OUT, and actually ASKING a teen who has been walked all over what she would LIKE to do, because for teens sometimes friends are what you need.

But jeez, ramp up the hysteria...

saraclara · 25/07/2019 09:34

Well done, OP. Don't listen to those who still want to lambast you. You've done the right thing, but it must still be shocking for you.

Of course your daughter will probably need some extra reassurance because, although she and your partner didn't get on, she will still feel some responsibility for any tough times that lie ahead - particularly where her siblings are concerned , if he's their natural dad.

All the best to you both.

Trickyteens · 25/07/2019 10:16

I was speaking with a woman a few months ago who is really lovely and usually very considerate. She really is.

I was really surprised when she told me her complaints about her older stepson. She called him spoiled etc etc. There were complaints about what he was bought, and how that compared to what her two children with the stepdad had, because they didn't have extra parents.

She couldn't see at all that he was also disadvantaged in the same way, because his parents were split, and that an extra set of Christmas gifts was hardly going to make up for that, if comparisons were necessary. It really made me wonder about a lot of step families, and I wouldn't normally have.

Derbee · 25/07/2019 12:50

OP these forums are often harsh. But the level of anger in people’s responses should demonstrate to you how shocking it is for a mother to allow the mistreatment of her children for so long.

Let the force of everyone’s anger help you keep your resolve when he tries to worm his way back into your lives

Graphista · 25/07/2019 12:51

Well done op. Sorry he turned out to be such a shit! It sucks. But you will all be much happier without him there I suspect as this won't have only negatively impacted on your dd

LillithsFamiliar · 25/07/2019 12:59

I know it's hard but you've done the right thing
He was setting an awful example to all your DCs.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2019 13:01

I know it doesn't feel it now , but you'll soon realize that a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Whosorrynow · 25/07/2019 13:05

Humans are strongly predisposed to favour their biological children, being a step parent often requires a conscious effort to work against our predispositions to favour our own children.

He was not making the effort, he was indulging his darker impulses

justasking111 · 25/07/2019 13:16

So sad, he is such a dick, leaving behind a home with a partner, three children one of his own over his need to control.

Hithere12 · 25/07/2019 13:29

Humans are strongly predisposed to favour their biological children, being a step parent often requires a conscious effort to work against our predispositions to favour our own children

He was not making the effort, he was indulging his darker impulses

Yep. This is a huge problem with the whole “blended family” trend. It’s really depressing for the kids.

Willow2017 · 25/07/2019 13:30

Humans are strongly predisposed to favour their biological children, being a step parent often requires a conscious effort to work against our predispositions to favour our own children.

So how come he included his other non biological child in everything but not the dd?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 25/07/2019 13:33

Op, I imagine your head is spinning right now, but I’m sure when you look back you will realise that you have done the right thing. Be aware that he will possibly try to worm his way back. Stay strong and make sure you have some real life support. x

Grobagsforever · 26/07/2019 06:56

My cousins had a step father like this. The eldest got married to a much older man at 19 to escape. Next one left home at 16 and lived in poverty doing her A levels. Third one down also moved out at 16, in with a man who hit her for ten years. The youngest was lavished with stuff, we fear he had other interests in her.

Your husband sounds chillingly similar.

Grobagsforever · 26/07/2019 06:58

So you've done the right thing OP. My aunt never did and no one has ever forgiven her

WhatsInAName19 · 26/07/2019 07:53

Look at this as a positive thing. Yes this is a shock and yes it’s daunting. But this is an absolutely golden opportunity. It is your chance to repair things with your daughter, and to make sure that she isn’t on Mumsnet in 10 years giving someone like you advice and telling them how she is still angry and hurt about her mum letting a man treat her badly. You can change that now, but it’s already gone on for such a long time that you can’t afford to be passive. You say she’s fine and that your relationship is good. She’s not fine. You need to remove your blinkers and prioritise her immediately. She’s your baby. She needs drastic action from you. She needs you to be strong and let her know that he is gone because of his treatment of her. You need to beg her forgiveness and promise never to put a man before her again, which is exactly what you've done by being so passive and allowing this damaging and insidious treatment of your daughter to continue and escalate. You may have had words with him/them over the years, but you have obviously not taken strong enough action because it has continued for years. Her whole teenage life has been blighted by it and the time when she's trying to develop as a person, find her feet in the world, discover who she is and learn what is acceptable treatment within a relationship, she's been mistreated in her home by a man who isn't her father, all sanctioned by the inaction of her mother. You need to grasp this, and quickly. You are minimising. It's also worth noting that for a lot of women, the impact of this kind of thing doesn't fully hit home until we are older and maybe even having babies ourselves. Don't kid yourself that she seems alright therefore it's not affected her.

I won’t add my own tale of woe because you’ve heard from dozens of women now who are all telling you the same thing: when your mother stays with a man who treats you badly, it hurts and that hurt stays with you. It affects you for your whole life. Either you are going to take that on board or you’re going to ignore it because you don’t want to accept any responsibility or feel guilty. Don’t be another mum who ignores it.

SagAloojah · 26/07/2019 08:22

Is he moving out, OP?

Well done for standing up for your daughter.

Original poster

wallflower · 26/07/2019 09:07

I just wanted to say thank you for the advice, it did seem harsh at first and some of it was but I understand why and it was definitely a wake up call. Also when I said we have a good relationship and she's open with me it was an answer to someone asking if she could talk to me about her dad.

OP posts:

Weezol · 26/07/2019 09:34

You're doing the best you can - it's all any of us can do. The upheaval and shock you're dealing with will pass but do look after yourself as well as your kids.

WellThisIsShit · 26/07/2019 09:51

I’m so glad it’s resolving in this way. The dd may have a chance after all, and that’s huge, after reading how the damage done can effect people for the rest of their lives.

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 26/07/2019 09:56

Keep posting OP. We can hand hold.

Rachelover40 · 26/07/2019 20:08

Well done wallflower!

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