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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP tried to kick DD out the house

274 replies

wallflower · 23/07/2019 18:14

DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together. My oldest is very nearly 17, about to go into her second year of college. Years ago her and DP used to get on really well but once she became a teenager they have had some difficulty getting on. She doesn't always want to listen to him, this often follows with the "you're not my dad" line but he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her. These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them. However yesterday, whilst I wasn't home they got into a huge argument, which ended with him sending DD to pack her bags, which is when I got home, asked what was going on and all DP said was "she needs to go", I told DD she didn't have to go anywhere but she said she was going to stay at her friend's house tonight anyway and left. According to DP the argument was over her telling him how to look after DD2, I don't have DD's side of the story yet. Arguments with them seem to blow out of proportion but it's never gone that far. He acts about the same age as her at times like this but also uses the authority he has over her and takes it too far. I think if he had it his way she would have been made to move out by now, it's ridiculous. DD hasn't yet returned but said she will later today, when DP has left for his night shift, I know she's okay though just angry with him.

OP posts:
sneakypinky · 23/07/2019 18:43

Who owns the house?

PlinkPlink · 23/07/2019 18:45

Oh for goodness sakes.

The DD left because she wanted some space and wanted to be away from DH. Forcing her to talk when she's not ready is a stupid idea.

I don't blame you for allowing her some space.

Other PPs are right here. No matter what the argument was about, your DH is very much in the wrong here. Even if he hasn't consciously singled her out and treated her differently, he has done it and she has picked up on that. It has damaged their relationship. Further damaging it is his immaturity and using his authority over her whilst being immature.

There needs to be a serious discussion between you and DH. Yes, tall to your DD about the argument, ensure you listen and really absorb what she says, validate her feelings - she's been squashed by your DH here. But, a serious conversation needs to be had regarding his parenting. It doesn't sound like there was a need to kick her out at all - she wasn't violent or destructive etc.

He needs to hear some home truths I think.

badgermushrooms · 23/07/2019 18:46

My DH was your DD once. He hasn't spoken to either his stepdad or his mum for over a decade now.

If you repeatedly show someone you're supposed to love that they aren't your priority, they will eventually give up on you. Sorry if this is harsh but you are allowing a grown man to bully your daughter in her own home. No wonder she's gone to stay with a friend.

SunshineCake · 23/07/2019 18:46

A child never gets over their mother choosing a bloke over them. I won't waste my time explaining my situation as I don't think you're listening to anything anyone is saying and you don't deserve to know.

HappyLoneParentDay · 23/07/2019 18:47

@Witchofzog Only one of the other two is his biological child. One isn't. I think it's important to point this out

ContactLight · 23/07/2019 18:48

... she still wanted to go and stay at her friend's instead

OP - this is YOUR DAUGHTER. She is 16 and has been ousted from her own home by your dp. If anyone did that to my daughter his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

HappyLoneParentDay · 23/07/2019 18:50

I was kicked out at 15 and it's wrecked my life. Still affects me in some relatively minor ways even now and I'm almost 35....

PLEASE make a change OP. Please stand by her 100%

wallflower · 23/07/2019 18:50

I do think he's in the wrong, what ever happened it can't have been bad enough to try and kick her out

OP posts:
cantfindname · 23/07/2019 18:51

My ex tried this. I had warned him never to try and take precedence over my children.

That was the day he became 'ex'

timeisnotaline · 23/07/2019 18:52

I also think your dh needs to find somewhere to stay for a couple of nights to send the message that he doesn’t get to kick your daughter out of her home, and if you have to choose you choose your children. She’s hardly a drug addict whos been stealing from you for years and taking illegal drugs while your other children live in the house, she sounds like a regular teenager. He on the other hand sounds like a nasty jerk.

bwydda · 23/07/2019 18:54

Have you contacted her? Poor girl, it's an emotional hormonal time or life for her and she's living with this hate from your dp. Clearly one will leave and at the minute it's your daughter

Lunde · 23/07/2019 18:57

You really need to put a stop to dd being treated like a second class citizen in her own home!

Your "D"P is disgusting - he is trying to get rid of her. Even if you tell her that she is not kicked out - your actions belie your words. You have allowed her to be treated badly for years and now you have allowed him to create an atmosphere where she feels really uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Why are you allowing him to do this to your DD?

MrsCBY · 23/07/2019 18:59

Are you actually listening to anyone on here? Do you get just how bad this is?

You have been prioritising your DH over your DD for several years now. You have allowed him to emotionally abuse her, which has inevitably been damaging for her. You are supposed to be her mother and protect her!

STOP enabling him to mistreat her. STOP kidding yourself that this isn’t that bad and can be resolved without major upheaval. It is and it can’t.

As a pp said:
One of them needs to go but it’s not your DD.

Purpleartichoke · 23/07/2019 19:01

Why have you allowed him to treat her poorly for years. This isn’t about one incident. You have admitted there is an established pattern. You have shown your dd time and time again that you won’t protect her. Now she has your husband telling her to leave her home. You need to make a decision right now to repair the damage that has been done. You need to show her she comes first.

sincethereis · 23/07/2019 19:01

I can guarantee that if you go on like this your daughter will grow to resent you, * ur daughter will go no contact as an adult.

Ur partner kicks her out of their own home& makes her feel secondary in her own home.

The fact that you haven’t even found out her side of the story or even addressed him says a lot about you.

saraclara · 23/07/2019 19:01

How on earth did he think it was his place to tell her to leave?

When she comes back you need to back her 100%
That doesn't mean that she can get away with being rude of course. But she needs to know that he is never, ever going to be able to dictate her place in your home.

saraclara · 23/07/2019 19:03

Having said that, those posters telling the OP that she hasn't done anything about it for years, are mistaken. OP clearly says:

These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them.

NerrSnerr · 23/07/2019 19:04

She's certainly not been kicked out, I made it clear to her that she wasn't but she still wanted to go and stay at her friend's instead

But her step father doesn't want her there so she doesn't feel welcome/ wants to avoid a further telling off.

Lazydaisies · 23/07/2019 19:04

Other PPs are right here. No matter what the argument was about, your DH is very much in the wrong here. Even if he hasn't consciously singled her out and treated her differently, he has done it and she has picked up on that. It has damaged their relationship. Further damaging it is his immaturity and using his authority over her whilst being immature

^this

And you are way in the wrong too, why have you allowed this to go on for years without leaving him before now? The situation you have put your daughter in is appalling.

TheRedBarrows · 23/07/2019 19:05

HOW DARE HE?

You need to tell your Dd loud and clear that he has no right to kick her out of HER home and you will not stand for it.

FFS, it doesn’t matter what ‘the full story’ or DD2’s version is. None of it justified him doing this.

She will have been acutely, painfully, aware of the different treatment over the years. Spend some quality time alone with her and ask her how she feels. She might tell you, if she still trusts you.

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 23/07/2019 19:07

As a stepdaughter of a very similar stepdad I can tell you that you need to resolve this (if possible) or risk you DD resenting you. I resent my mum. Not for re-marrying or moving on from my dad, but for allowing my SD to have authority over my life. The bottom line is that I already had 2 parents, I didn't need another one and he seemed to have a point to prove 'my house my rules'.

My mum was a pushover because she loves my SD but for a while me and my sister had really awful relationships with her.

Bottom line, he is not her dad and in her own home she should be allowed to express an opinion. He should be adult enough to accept that opinion and not be threatened by a teenager.

Don't let her think that you think his behaviour is acceptable.

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 23/07/2019 19:07

Seems that he’s been emotionally abusing your DD for years.

Personally I’d be packing his fucking bags.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/07/2019 19:08

What SandyY2K said. She is ripe for falling into the hands of a 'rescuer' man who to whom she'll feel she must be grateful, however badly he starts to treat her.

boredboredboredboredbored · 23/07/2019 19:09

I have a 16 year old Dd and hell would freeze over before I let my dp treat her like this. You say it's been like it for a while then you're her mother does that count for nothing?

A pp said she'll be harbouring resentment and I absolutely agree, your poor Dd!!!

Cambionome · 23/07/2019 19:09

What are you going to do about it, op?