DP tried to kick DD out the house

[wallflower]

DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together. My oldest is very nearly 17, about to go into her second year of college. Years ago her and DP used to get on really well but once she became a teenager they have had some difficulty getting on. She doesn't always want to listen to him, this often follows with the "you're not my dad" line but he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her. These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them. However yesterday, whilst I wasn't home they got into a huge argument, which ended with him sending DD to pack her bags, which is when I got home, asked what was going on and all DP said was "she needs to go", I told DD she didn't have to go anywhere but she said she was going to stay at her friend's house tonight anyway and left. According to DP the argument was over her telling him how to look after DD2, I don't have DD's side of the story yet. Arguments with them seem to blow out of proportion but it's never gone that far. He acts about the same age as her at times like this but also uses the authority he has over her and takes it too far. I think if he had it his way she would have been made to move out by now, it's ridiculous. DD hasn't yet returned but said she will later today, when DP has left for his night shift, I know she's okay though just angry with him.

My first Mumsnet LTB, what a vile man.

My stepdad barely spoke a word to me when I lived with him (for 11 years) because he said it would upset his daughter if he did. Please don't put up with him treating your daughter like that. It will not only destroy her relationship with him, but it will destroy her relationship with you too.. even if he doesn't actually kick her out, being made to feel unwanted in her home will push her away. My stepdad is fantastic with my children, if he wasn't I'd never see him or my mum again.

As your dd would say, yeet this man.

YEET

Your DP does not like your DD and he isn’t going to start acting reasonably now if he hasn’t so far.
As a child I was in your DD’s position. The poor self esteem was crippling. The damage has been done to my relationship with my DM. Hopefully your DD can be more forgiving than me.

UterusUterus ... lol that word does my head in, got 3 children who all say it, DS who has autism has made it his favourite word to say repeatedly ... wth does it mean?

No man would kick my child out of her home. He'd be long gone before the words finished coming out of his mouth.

You have a chance to show her who your priority is now, op.

@MiniCooperLover - The OP clearly hasn't let her daughter get kicked out of anywhere, she clearly told her she wasn't to go and and DD has said she'll be back later.

The girl knew she wasn't welcome, which is why she isn't returning until op's partner is at work. She still packed and left.
` The situation reached this point because the op has been allowing him to treat her daughter like the scapegoat for YEARS, and he thinks he has the right to kick a child out of her home.

Stop excusing them both.

She's certainly not been kicked out She has op. He told her get to out, she has gone. You tried to make her stay, but she knows he has won this fight, which is why she didn't listen to you.

Dress it up how you like, your man baby kicked your child out of her home.

SaraNade 16 is a normal age to be at college

OP do not let him treat her like that. Why on earth do you put up with him treating her differently? He needs to go. Although the damage is already done so don’t be surprised if your DD doesn’t want much to do with you in future

OP your partner has massively overstepped here - surely you see that?

How does he feel he has the authority to tell your young daughter to pack her bags and leave her home? And this done in your absence, without him even speaking to you. Does he feel he has your agreement in way he acts towards your child?

I've been reading this thread to see if you are angry about his actions and standing up for your daughter. Maybe you are, but you are coming off as really detached in these posts. Is that actually how you are in real life - and your partner has taken this as tacit approval of his actions?

I know things need to change, he can't treat her like that
Does that include asking him to leave? Not just for this latest incident, but the way he's treated her negatively for so long? Eg:
he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her.
She must surely be hurt by this. No wonder she says "you're not my dad"

You have a decision to make here OP - one which will have lasting effects on your own relationship with your daughter, and which your other children will also see.

Hopefully you'll make the right one.

He should be packing his bags right now. This is why I would never share my house with DP as it is my home and my children's home.

This isn't about the subject of this specific argument, which is trivial.

The main issue is that your DP and DD have such a dysfunctional relationship that DD is effectively homeless because there is really no point in you saying she can stay, that she doesn't have to go anywhere, if staying mens continuing to live with your DP who is making no secret that he wants her gone. A 16yo can't keep living with such rejection day in day out.

One of three things must happen. Either you need family counselling to find a pathway for DP and DD to gain each other's respect and trust (this is by far the most difficult path). Or you choose your DP over your DD and she leaves. Or you choose your DD over your DP and he leaves. There's no other options.

Its great that she can talk to you OP. But how you move forward with your DP is questionable. The man crossed a line and I would be LIVID - who the fuck does he think he is to kick her out - you werent even home to protect her.
Doesn't sound right to me.

Sorry but I don't understand why you haven't kicked him out yet - or at least tried to.

Your DD is young and still needs protection. Your "P" is old enough to look after himself. If anyone should leave it is him - and right now.

And even if you try family counselling - I would suggest it has already got bad enough that your P needs to leave for the present.

And before you say it is not that simple - you need to try to make it that simple.

Is the house tenancy in both your names?

Has he always treated her differently from the others or is it really just since she got older? just wondering if its more that he doesn't know how to deal with teenagers rather than necessarily any step-daughter issues?

It really was not a big deal, not even something to tell her off about because she was right. I know things need to change, he can't treat her like that
I bet he's always treated her differently - especially when his dc came along.
He's deliberately trying to push her out of the family 'unit', he's already showing her she's not the 'same' as the others by leaving her out of stuff.
Now he's basically told her that she doesn't have any 'right' to speak up where her siblings are concerned.

@MarianaMoatedGrange - OP is sensibly waiting for her daughter to come home in her own time

And her daughter isn't going home until the op's partner is out, that is VERY telling.

@category12 - You think the dd isn't mortified about feeling she's had to leave her home, TheRedBarrows? You think that not actively trying to get her home again isn't sending the signal that OP isn't that bothered?

This. If op hasn't tried to contact her daughter, she is signally that she doesn't care. At times when my arse of a mother put her current man above me, a text/call to say "do you need to talk/I love you/I'm sorry/come home, I'll fix it/he's gone, you're the important one" would have helped. Not fixed it, but I would have at least knew she cared. But she didn't, so nothing. My mum was married a fucking DAY, actually mere hours, when her husband announced that I wasn't part of our family anymore. Her letting him do that & backing him up, not attempting to fix it, caused more harm than a lot of her previous emotional abuse ever did.

@wallflower - I have a good relationship with DD, she's open with me about how she feels and when something's bothering her That's not a good relationship, op. A good relationships would be not having allowed things to get this far in the first place. A child who feels loved and wanted doesn't go off to their friends and wait til an adult is out the house before returning. A good relationship would have prevented this. You think you listen. She is telling you now, LOUD and clear, that you don't.

@Winterlife - The other children are his, biologically. I believe that is part of the issue

Nope. Only the youngest is his.
DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together

Are you afraid of this man? He sounds like he’s controlling the household.

It sounds like your partner wasn't parenting his own child sensibly, let alone your daughter. Have you talked to him about this?

We haven’t given her any support as such yes she needs to step up but some of the responses are really horrible .
She needs to kick him out for now she’s not going to so that’s not helpful.
His a this his a that yes he is but what’s she going to do.
It’s impossible to determine that she’s not stood by her child.Maybe not enough but some of the responses are way over the top.Each time the OP tries to explain she’s jumped on.
OP you’ve had a shed load or advice, what do you think you should do remember your daughter must come first you owe it to her to safeguard her .Her leaving the home sleeping away is going to end in disaster for both of you.
You I hope can see why the responses are as they are.

Let’s start from what you think you could do to help put thinks right.

Poor girl. Years of mental health issues to come because you’ve allowed this to happen.

If my husband did this he’d come home to his bags packed. Disgraceful behavior. He may have been angry, but he is an adult not a petulant teen with authority issues. Show your daughter how much you care right now. Treat her to something special. Cuddle up in the couch with her and watch a movie she loves 😢😢

I was like your DD. I couldn't wait to leave my house. I've gone from rescuer to rescuer which nearly always ends in abuse. I have never forgiven my mother, I am 31. I have no idea what a loving relationship looks like. My own dad was not in my life at all either. This has never left me.