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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP tried to kick DD out the house

274 replies

wallflower · 23/07/2019 18:14

DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together. My oldest is very nearly 17, about to go into her second year of college. Years ago her and DP used to get on really well but once she became a teenager they have had some difficulty getting on. She doesn't always want to listen to him, this often follows with the "you're not my dad" line but he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her. These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them. However yesterday, whilst I wasn't home they got into a huge argument, which ended with him sending DD to pack her bags, which is when I got home, asked what was going on and all DP said was "she needs to go", I told DD she didn't have to go anywhere but she said she was going to stay at her friend's house tonight anyway and left. According to DP the argument was over her telling him how to look after DD2, I don't have DD's side of the story yet. Arguments with them seem to blow out of proportion but it's never gone that far. He acts about the same age as her at times like this but also uses the authority he has over her and takes it too far. I think if he had it his way she would have been made to move out by now, it's ridiculous. DD hasn't yet returned but said she will later today, when DP has left for his night shift, I know she's okay though just angry with him.

OP posts:
Caucho · 23/07/2019 22:03

There’s a hell a lot of kick him out comments when it’s not clear what the housing situation is (rented? owned and by who? etc) and assuming they’re not married as no reference to husband. Though some people still say DP when married. It’s a relevant question and several have asked already and been given no reply as far as I’m aware.

The tone is right though and its an untenable situation. Might end up being a case of having to kick themselves out longer term but we’ve been given nothing to go on.

Whosorrynow · 23/07/2019 22:11

He's cutting his teeth on your daughter OP she's low hanging fruit, once he has established his right to control and and dominate the women in the family you'll be next

MamaOfBothTeams · 23/07/2019 22:29

Sounds like my mum and step dad, she chose him and his controlling behaviour over me when I was 12, over 15 years later and we have no bond and she hasn't met my children because he won't allow it and she won't stand up to him

Your daughter needs to know you care enough about her

Rachelover40 · 23/07/2019 22:49

Winterlife
The other children are his, biologically. I believe that is part of the issue.

No, only the youngest is biologically his.

IvanaPee · 23/07/2019 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rachelover40 · 23/07/2019 22:58

I expect the op will be back tomorrow to give us an update. She said her daughter was coming home and he was working and wouldn't be home later, when she was going to talk to him.

wallflower · 23/07/2019 23:03

We aren't married, the house is rented and we both contribute towards the rent. DD and I talked it through it seems like a small situation that DP made into a big one. DD's side of the story is DD2 wasn't eating her dinner so he gave her something else when she said she didn't like it, DD pointed out she hadn't even tried it and he told her to mind her own business and they started arguing. It really was not a big deal, not even something to tell her off about because she was right. I know things need to change, he can't treat her like that

OP posts:
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 23/07/2019 23:12

That's horrendous behaviour from a grown man.

catofdoom · 23/07/2019 23:13

Goodness @wallflower that's pretty awful.

I was kicked out of home at 15 by my step mother and my Dad let her. I'll never, ever forgive him.

You may have my first 'leave the bastard' in about 5 years.

Please put your flesh and blood before a spiteful man baby.

Namechange55 · 23/07/2019 23:13

I bet he’s abusing you in ways too, you sound very passive about the situation. Imagine your daughter telling her school/college this, you must realise it’s not the norm?

Wildorchidz · 23/07/2019 23:13

She’ll be gone for good Op in a year or two. And then in years to come you’ll wonder why she detests you

C0untDucku1a · 23/07/2019 23:29

So he was wrong but dd had to leave home. Where is your line for his behaviour towards your dd?

Ginger1982 · 23/07/2019 23:31

Where is your anger? Why aren't you typing 'how DARE he do that to my daughter?' What did you say to him after she left earlier if you say you've 'talked' to him about it?

SaraNade · 23/07/2019 23:37

Only 16 and already in college? Good for her. Your partner sounds like a narcissistic stand-over merchant, a real pig. Please, always choose your daughter. Tell him that if he makes you choose, he will not like your answer. I would ask him to give a sincere apology to your daughter, and leave the house for at least a week, to give you time to think and you and your daughter to re-connect.

Frith2013 · 24/07/2019 00:01

He sounds like a twat.

SwordofGryffindor · 24/07/2019 00:09

You let her feel awful when he treats the other kids and not her.
You let him kick out a 16 year old.
You knew he didnt like it for years and decided not to end it.

You chose your DP over your DD years ago.

myrtleWilson · 24/07/2019 00:13

so now you agree he can't treat her like that OP what are you actually going to do about it?

Har23 · 24/07/2019 00:25

You should be ashamed of yourself for noticing and allowing your partner to treat your DD differently. If you were my mum of course I would hold this against you. That's her home. I would have demanded that she stay and HE leaves.
U have allowed her to be treated like this, shame on you.

julensaor · 24/07/2019 00:25

this is an absolute disaster, put him in his place right now.

mrsfollowill · 24/07/2019 00:39

I've seen the other side of this scenario- we had a knock on the door at 10.00pm a few weeks ago- was not expecting anyone at that time and actually said to DH "we don't have to answer it you know" - well he did! and our 17 year old DS best mate (who we have known from him being 7) was on the doorstep shaking.
Had an ASDA bag of clothes and had been kicked out by his stepdad- the house is in his name apparently and what he says goes Angry. That boy is the most streetwise 'cool' lad I know and was shaking and had been crying.Was scared he had to sleep in a doorway. It's ended up being a long story- of course we took him in that night (and for a few after) but he has no trust in his mum at all. Ds said to me 'well I always thought his mum never liked him very much' - He thought that at aged seven!
Leave with your daughter if DP is such a twat and take the other kids too- he is no 'father' step or otherwise.
It nearly broke my heart that night - we are still in touch with the lad and thankfully his bio Dad has stepped up.

readitandwept · 24/07/2019 00:43

@mrsfollowill That's awful. So glad that boy thought he could count on your son/you and that your DP insisted on answering the door.

WashingMyHair247 · 24/07/2019 00:45

I'm with @SandyY2K who said:

**It's important to think about the long term consequences of his actions toward her.

She'll be dying to leave home and this is often where she'll fall into the hands of a man who seems like an rescuer, but turns into an abuser....but she may end up feeling unable to leave him because he got her away from your house and DP. Feeling like she owes him.**

My own dad wanted me gone and mistreated me. I was very naive and unprepared for living independently. I ruined several years of my life and ended up with someone who I shouldn't have. More than once.

Weezol · 24/07/2019 00:48

I've been back to this thread several times but have been unable to form a response.

OP - please read MrsCBYs post through a few times.

mrsfollowill · 24/07/2019 00:59

@readitandwept I thanked my lucky stars we answered that night! Poor kid has brought himself up- I remember when they were at primary school together him saying about washing his uniform and never having the right shoes- school did a lot to be fair and I have fed him at least twice a week (as other friends mum's have!) Sad situation though- very bright kid too - always 100% attendance despite an hour walk to school and back every day from being 11 to 16 - not given the bus fare :-(
He is a proper survivor though and I'm sure he will do well in life! Just needs support which we will gladly give him along with other concerned parents.

readitandwept · 24/07/2019 01:07

I'm sure he will do well in life!

I will certainly keep my fingers crossed for him. Sounds like his dad has also let him down until now. So sad to read, and makes me want to go and cuddle my 14yo (but I've been told not to even wake him in the morning, just leave a note before workGrin)

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