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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP tried to kick DD out the house

274 replies

wallflower · 23/07/2019 18:14

DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together. My oldest is very nearly 17, about to go into her second year of college. Years ago her and DP used to get on really well but once she became a teenager they have had some difficulty getting on. She doesn't always want to listen to him, this often follows with the "you're not my dad" line but he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her. These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them. However yesterday, whilst I wasn't home they got into a huge argument, which ended with him sending DD to pack her bags, which is when I got home, asked what was going on and all DP said was "she needs to go", I told DD she didn't have to go anywhere but she said she was going to stay at her friend's house tonight anyway and left. According to DP the argument was over her telling him how to look after DD2, I don't have DD's side of the story yet. Arguments with them seem to blow out of proportion but it's never gone that far. He acts about the same age as her at times like this but also uses the authority he has over her and takes it too far. I think if he had it his way she would have been made to move out by now, it's ridiculous. DD hasn't yet returned but said she will later today, when DP has left for his night shift, I know she's okay though just angry with him.

OP posts:
Feelingwalkedover · 23/07/2019 20:42

No fucking man would treat my kid like that ..
You are not in your daughters corner .he is the adult .
He needs to go

EKGEMS · 23/07/2019 20:45

You freely admit your loser of a partner treats her far differently than the other children and what have you done about it? Anything at all? Or did you value an easy life for yourself at the expense of your daughter? I'm sure your partner is really shaking in his boots since you've "spoken with him"

Mermaidsinthesand · 23/07/2019 20:49

I want to know what's so loveable and special about these abusive arsehole men

I hope you and DD are enjoying a good bitch about him whilst your packing his bags, drop them off outside his work save him travelling far in the morning

DishingOutDone · 23/07/2019 20:51

I'm glad she's coming back. When he comes back, she can stay in her room whilst you tell him he needs to go. You've messed up funtime here OP. Your answers (difficult to type?!) tell us a story none of us want to believe is true - that you are going to chose him, let him stay.

What on earth do you think your options are?!

Thehop · 23/07/2019 20:52

NEVER put a man before your daughter.

PickAChew · 23/07/2019 20:53

You need to do more than talk to him. You need to show him that there is a line that he has crossed and you need to demonstrate to him that you will not tolerate it by telling him to leave.

BuckingFrolics · 23/07/2019 20:57

Did you have a father in your life when you were 16, OP? I'm trying to understand how you can be so wrong in this instance and yet not know it. Your DD needs you to have her back - to protect and stand up for her relationship with you as your daughter. She has no one else by the sound of it. You are letting her down here, badly. Can you not see that?

C0untDucku1a · 23/07/2019 20:59

Your poor daughter. Youre going to keep choosing this man over her. She will leave and not look back.

Ask her what her complaint was about his parenting. Do you rate his parenting of the younger two? Clearly he is shit at parenting your dd.

MrsCBY · 23/07/2019 21:00

I have a good relationship with DD, she's open with me about how she feels and when something's bothering her

No. She really isn’t. She probably doesn’t even know how she feels herself - she’s a kid, only 16, no life experience out there on her own terms, and for the whole of her adolescence you have allowed this man to make her home an unsafe place for her.

Children who are being abused cannot acknowledge to themselves how much their situation is hurting them when they know the adults in their lives fundamentally don’t care about them. You say you care but you don’t care enough to put her first, ahead of your DP.

Genuine caring means zero tolerance of the shit he’s been handing out to your DD for years now, not this ineffectual, half hearted, pathetic story of how you’ve “tried to address and sort out between the two of them”, or how you’ve “spoken to” him.

This is not an issue between equals where you are the mediator; this is an adult abusing his position of authority over a child, your child, and you are enabling that.

If you genuinely cared about her as much as you think you care about her, you would have never let it get to the stage where he is so emboldened by your inaction that he actually feels entitled to kick her out of her own home, of your home.

Nothing in anything you say gives any sign that you have even remotely recognised the extreme gravity of your situation. It’s awful to read.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 23/07/2019 21:02

Honestly OP, this is hard for me to write, but here goes in the hope you listen.. In a similar but different situation I didn’t do all I could to put my dd first. She’s now 20 and hasn’t forgiven me (not saying I deserve it). My marriage ended a few years later anyway, and when I looked back with the benefit of counselling, I was horrified at what I put up with. I would never put a man before my kids again, and I’m a much better mum to my younger dc, but you don’t want to be in my shoes a few years down the line.
Someone needs to leave your house. And it isn’t your dd.

BishopofBathandWells · 23/07/2019 21:04

At risk of this seeming a bit of a pile-on, I can't quite wrap my head around you letting him treat your kids so differently. I will say one thing for my DM, she made it clear from the start of her relationship with my DSF that we were all, or we were none. And when my younger sibling eventually came along, they were treated exactly the same way as the rest of us.

Your DD has had to watch herself continually and increasingly ostracised within her own family. And you seem so oddly passive and weird in your responses. But you're obviously not going to leave this aggressive man-child, so perhaps your lack of responses are due to the fact you're suddenly seeing yourself through the collective eyes of a bunch of parents aghast at your behaviour.

Winterlife · 23/07/2019 21:05

I think you and your partner should go for counselling. Hearing from a third party that he is unreasonable will have more impact than you can on your own.

He probably doesn’t realize the impact this has on her.

Bookworm4 · 23/07/2019 21:05

So since your DD was 7 your DP has ostracised her? Singled her out? That’s abusive behaviour and you’ve allowed it. If this arsehole continues to live in your home then you are continuing to fail your child, how long before he starts on your other child?

Winterlife · 23/07/2019 21:12

The other children are his, biologically. I believe that is part of the issue.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 23/07/2019 21:12

OP - why haven't you kicked him out?

friendlyflicka · 23/07/2019 21:13

As some one who kicked my daughters' biological father out for the way he treated both me and my older daughter, I think you are getting a very hard time on here.

When you are in the middle of a situation it is not as simple as put older daughter first, because you also know try to balance the needs of your younger ones.

And it is also very easy for everyone to comment on a situation they deem black and white. It doesn't sound that way for the OP. And perhaps the OP should be given some trust in this issue, since she is the only one who can see the situation.

And before I get jumped up for saying that, can I repeat that I did fight huge harassment to get out of a relationship with my children's biological father for abusive behaviour to the older child.

Dillydallyingthrough · 23/07/2019 21:20

OP your getting a tough time on here, but it's not for no reason.

Your DD should be your first priority - what did you do when he excluded your DD? How do you think your DD felt? Why did your DP think he had the right to kick your DD out?

You said they had a good relationship - what happened? Was it as she started pushing boundaries? What was his response?

I'm not sure how long this has been going on and whether is salvageable. My DD15 - can be like any teen and push it- my DP realised they were not getting along so takes the time to do activities with her and that keeps their relationship strong. He would never think he could kick my DD out - he knows he needs to leave. He also treats her as his own child.

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/07/2019 21:26

She's on her way back now.
He is back after work later.

So what's the plan?

How are you going to make it clear to your daughter that you would never want her to feel your home is any less than her home?

And how are you doing to make it clear to your partner his behaviour tonight and previously has been nasty and cruel?

If she gets back and your line anything along the lines of "you didn't need to leave, he didn't mean it like that" then you're setting this poor girl up for a lifetime of low expectations in a partner and low self esteem for herself.

I don't even know her and I wish I could give her a hug.

Mermaidsinthesand · 23/07/2019 21:28

@friendlyflicka how do you know when the younger children hit teenage years he wont treat them like hes done with the eldest?

Very nieve way to look at things, this is black and white. He is abusive to one, biological or not he will do it again.

AdelaideK · 23/07/2019 21:30

He buys stuff for the other 2 but not her?
He sounds delightful Hmm

category12 · 23/07/2019 21:33

It's not doing the younger ones any good to see their father treat their sibling like that, either. Putting up with it for "their sake" is actually doing them no favours. Dysfunctional is dysfunctional. What lessons does it teach? Nothing good.

friendlyflicka · 23/07/2019 21:35

@mermaidsinthesand, I don't and neither does she and neither do you.

All I am saying, is that she is there and we aren't and people are taking a very black and white view. That is all I am saying.

Tucobenedicto · 23/07/2019 21:41

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Whosorrynow · 23/07/2019 21:46

lots of divided loyalties here but I feel your partner is in the wrong

tararabumdeay · 23/07/2019 21:54

My step dad 'grandad' Phil (name change) said he'd treat us all the same.

His three mouth breathers took all of my mum's money. My brother and I had to go to solicitors to get just a little back.

Get rid of the ass.

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