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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Other woman is pregnant...

164 replies

holisticlori · 23/07/2019 05:52

Hi I’m new here so sorry if I ramble. I’m not used to forums...
I have been with my partner for almost five years. We have a son together who was born in March this year, and we’ve never actually had any problems - or so I thought!

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with our son in Feb, I got a message on Instagram from some throwaway/fake account claiming that my partner was cheating on me, and claiming they could prove it.
Initially I ignored them but they wouldn’t stop messaging so I blocked them. They ended up making two more to message me, after blocking the second, I was getting annoyed, so when the third popped up, I simply answered “instead of just claiming you can prove it, ACTUALLY prove it. Just because you say you can, that doesn’t exactly make me believe you. Hard evidence please otherwise shut up.” They never replied, so I forgot all about it.
I guessed someone was just being cruel and trying to cause trouble! At 29 years old old myself I wasn’t having any of it!
Well.
That was until yesterday when my partner came home from work early, and I was of course at home with our son.
I asked “what have they sent you home for? Are you alright?” And he looked pale and shaky so I assumed he was ill, but he told me to sit down and kept saying over and over and over “I’m so sorry.” So I told him he was scaring me, what has he done?
He blurted it all out that back in May he had a one night stand with a new-ish colleague at his work, and now she’s claiming to be pregnant with his baby...
At this moment, I remembered the messages from February and brought them up to him. He said that was absolutely not true.She was only new at his company in May, and the night in question had been her ‘welcome aboard’ party, which I did actually know about, and I know that she arranged it all at the local pub. I have NEVER had any reasons not to trust him before now and he’s never treated me badly or lied to me before - that I’m aware of anyway! So I don’t think he’s lying about that. But then again maybe he is! Who knows anymore?! I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before and he said because it was a massive mistake and that he regretted it so much and wanted to pretend it never happened and it would never happen again. He insists that they did use protection and she also claimed to be on the pill, so he doesn’t understand how this could have happened. He came home very early hours of the morning that night, I remember, and had the audacity to cuddle up to me in bed!!!! After having done the dirty with her!!!! At the time I just assumed that he’d ended up going back to one of his colleague’s houses to drink more after the pub shut! I feel like such an idiot! 😞
I told him to get some proof that she’s pregnant first, and he says he intends to. I asked what he’s going to do, and he said he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want her, he loves me, but clearly he doesn’t if he’d cheat! I said to him he doesn’t love me and he can't just try to force her to have a termination, as much as it kills me to say that, but it’s her choice and he’s the one who cheated! And he said “I do actually love you. But no I know I can’t force her. It would be easier though. But I know I can’t ask her to do that.” So I told him I need a break from him at the very least. We both cried, he kept apologising, but he ended up respecting my wishes (eventually!) and leaving, he’s stayed the night at his sister’s (confirmed by her). I haven’t slept. I just keep crying. I can’t believe that he’s done this. I really had no idea at all. No red flags, nothing! He’s never been nasty to me or cheated before, he’s never been manipulative or lazy or anything! I always thought we’d had a good sex life and that he’d always found me attractive - he said so! So why would he do this? Our relationship has always been amazing! Obviously not! What on Earth do I do now? How can I cope if she really is pregnant with his child and decides to keep it? What about our son?! Only four months old and already his Daddy has torn our family apart! He’s an amazing Dad to our son, and is very hands on. I just can’t believe he’s done this...
I’m in so much shock! Heartbroken. Sad
Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 23/07/2019 05:56

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

I'm so sorry OP. I would get yourself checked for sexually transmitted diseases pretty quickly.

And in your shoes, I'd want to speak to the woman myself. on the phone.

Snipples · 23/07/2019 05:59

Yep agree with PP. get yourself checked and throw him out. He is far from the perfect daddy if this is how he behaves. What an absolute knobber he is. I don't believe that something else wasn't going on with someone else in Feb either. It's quite some effort to go to to be creating three accounts to tell you lies.

You're better off without him.

Blueoasis · 23/07/2019 06:02

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

It's odd that you got messages before he apparently cheated, and that they didn't even answer.

I think it's one of two options.

  1. He has been cheating longer than he claims and is only in shock that she is now potentially pregnant so came clean.
  1. She fancied him back in February and tried to split you guys up, it didn't work so she joined the company he works for and managed to sleep with him and is now either pregnant or claiming to be.

It depends on if you believe him or not. He sounds in shock so it could be either. And however dramatic option 2 sounds, I have seen women do just that. So it's not impossible.

Get him to get her to take a pregnancy test at a doctors. Not her house, a doctors. And find out for sure she is pregnant. If she is, then you'll also know hopefully how far along she is, so will know when the cheating happened.

Olajs · 23/07/2019 06:03

I doubt very much that the messages about him cheating are just a coincidence. I would put money in him lying to you - even if it wasn’t with her, he was cheating on you back then too. He was obviously very good at it for you not to pick up on it, but he has been caught it now.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 23/07/2019 06:04

I’d bet my life that this wasn’t the first time. The messages in Feb will have been true. I’m so sorry Flowers

ukgift2016 · 23/07/2019 06:10

Get yourself tested for STIs, it is likely he still may not be telling the truth about the length of the affair etc.

This is the real him. A man who is a liar, has unprotected sex and knocked two women up within a year.

I agree with another poster about talking to the pregnant OW to get her side of the story.

If you forgave him, it wouldn't be a case of trying to work through a affair. He now has another child, a baby which will always be a permanent reminder of what he has done. He will also have to see that baby and the OW. You will have to cope with all of that.

You are better off cutting your loses now with this loser.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 23/07/2019 06:11

I think it is the cheaters script to say it was only once. You said yourself he got into bed with you after like nothing happened. I am so sorry but he is not a good man or father. I agree about getting an STD check.

If it wasn’t her he was cheating with in February it was someone else.

holisticlori · 23/07/2019 06:25

I plan to get checked don’t worry.
The thing is I’ve known him for years, and we only became a couple nearly 5 years ago. His sister and brother are really stunned and disgusted in him!
I just really don’t understand...this isn’t like him at all...
I’m certain he’s never cheated on me before.
I’ve been cheated on so many times since I was a teenager and I’ve always been able to see the red flags and got out of there before anything worse could happen!
But now I have a child with this man! I never saw this coming.
His family are in total shock! They said out of everyone they’d never have suspected him.
Yeah, well that makes two of us! 😞

Hmm I wondered that. But she only moved here in April, before starting work in May so I don’t think it was her back in Feb. She was new to the area entirely and didn’t know anyone. That’s why she invited her colleagues out for drinks, so she could get to know them and make friends.
I did message her last night in a moment of madness, asking for her side of things. She said she had no idea about me until right after it had happened and he got “freaked out” and kept saying “I have a fiancée! I can’t believe I just did that!” and then left. She said she felt used and hasn’t spoken to him since, only work related, and now to tell him this.
Then she said “I don’t need either of your verbal abuse right now” and blocked me but I never once verbally abused her! I only told her that I’d just found out and asked for her side of things because I don’t know what to believe!?
I still don’t.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 23/07/2019 06:32

Ah op, this is shit for you. And something is fishy, as pp said. He's not telling the whole truth. But then cheaters never do. The likelihood is that she never told him she was on the pill and he never wore protection. It was either an affair that went on before you were messaged, and as he didn't know about the messages the lie he came up with doesn't tie up with reality.

HennyPennyHorror · 23/07/2019 06:33

Forget about her saying that...about verbal abuse. She was probably just scared.

What you need to believe is that he's shagged someone else whilst you were at home with his very small baby.

No matter who or how many. He's done it and he's lied....until he's HAD to come clean.

You have to decide what to do now. Do you own the house together or is it rented?

Surfskatefamily · 23/07/2019 06:34

I'm so sorry your going through this. A friend of mine is in a similar situation a little further down the line.... her oh cheated on her when she was pregnant so her son is a few months older than ow daughter. It's been a couple of years and now the two women get on well and siblings have a great relationship.
There was heartbreak and they broke up. However the father stepped up with both children.
It's not happily ever after but its worked out for the best as I don't think my friend could ever trust the man again.

Personally id leave him. He's cheated and id not be able to trust him again

YouJustDoYou · 23/07/2019 06:34

I just really don’t understand...this isn’t like him at all...

Literally said on a thread yesterday about men who are seen as someone who no one would ever think would do xyz in a million years...and they have been for xyz years. Ego boosting, the desire for attention, the lust goggles....it's there in many of them.

Onebrokentoe · 23/07/2019 06:36

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

It seems strange to be getting messages re him cheating in Feb if he wasn't. Who would do that? If it wasn't with her back then I suspect it must have been with someone else. I'd be unblocking and asking more questions to know exactly what you're dealing with.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 23/07/2019 06:36

It's likely this affair has been on going since Feb xx

YouJustDoYou · 23/07/2019 06:36

Ignore the "verbal abuse" thing - she was probably not expecting someone to be so "nice" about it, as it were, and was trying to preempt being screamed at by an extremely hurt and angry fiancee.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/07/2019 06:36

So he slept with her having not told her about you. Leapt out of bed revealing that he was engaged, and since you haven’t verbally abused her, I think you can safely assume that he has been. What a Prince.

Poor you and poor woman. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you both you deserve so much more. Things will get better. If he’s a nice guy then you can coparent well separately, but I would never be able to trust him again especially with the messages in February making it impossible to be sure it’s not a pattern.

If it was a one-off I would think he would have behaved very strangely at the time; not cuddled into you in bed. What an awful man

user1493413286 · 23/07/2019 06:37

I’m so sorry. I would make him stay at his sisters for a good while so you have some space to decide what to do and what’s going to happen with the pregnancy.
It might clarify some things to talk to her although that will hurt obviously. I’m wondering if the message was her and it went on a bit longer than one night.
Either way don’t be rushed to do anything.

Saltystraw · 23/07/2019 06:38

Has he been verbally abusing her? How old is she? I assume she will probably keep the child.. sorry this is going to be really tough for you OP.

Zoflorabore · 23/07/2019 06:43

Whether or not you want to believe it op, the woman from February was very likely telling you the truth. He is probably a serial cheater and has only just got caught out.

I'm so sorry that you have a young baby and are dealing with this. Be prepared for much worse to come out. He has only told you the bare bones.

leckford · 23/07/2019 06:46

Are you married, do you jointly own the property you live in. Or is he a don’t need a piece of paper type ‘DP’

Nothingcomesforfree · 23/07/2019 06:48

Realistically you don’t have to do anything for a while. It’s not a bad marriage in any other way so use it for the benefit of you and your DS while you think about it.
The other woman has a couple of weeks to decide and it will be up to her. It’s possible for her to have his baby and for him to not be involved ( except financially). He needs to work out if he’s that sort of man and tell her if that’s the case. Are you ok living with someone that does or doesn’t see his child? It’s easy to say but realistically both have problems.
Horrible for you OP. I do know two couple that have stayed together in similar circumstances and in my case we split up. You’re not the first or last, unfortunately.

InsertFunnyUsername · 23/07/2019 06:48

Oh god this is awful for you OP, sorry you're going through this Flowers

If every cheater showed their true colours from the off hardly anyone would fall for it, could be the first time or the 100th time. Going by the messages in feb i would believe it isn't his first time.

CheesecakeAddict · 23/07/2019 06:50

Actually I'm going against the grain here. She could have lied and said it had been going on a while to really put him in it. And I know people who have sent those messages just out of spite. She is obviously angry; she says she feels used and told you to stop verbally abusing her. I would bet 1 of 3 things happened here:

  1. They are both lying about using protection. Does he use condoms at home? Because that's an odd thing for an engaged man to carry around.
  2. She is pregnant and he is not the father
  3. She is not pregnant and just wants to hurt him for "using" her.
FattyPedalsFuriously0hPipNo · 23/07/2019 06:51

Too much of a coincidence for there to be no truth in the February incident, it seems you don't know him as well you think.

The only reason you know about it this time is because he has been caught.

Flowers
londonrach · 23/07/2019 06:51

Sorry op but he was cheating in feb either with her or someone else. You need to think about your ds. Get yourself tested for std for starters. Give yourself some time here. He stays with his sister whilst you work out what you want. It is likely he has cheated before and may cheat again. I do know one couple where the man did cheat whilst she had a baby over 60 years ago. She did forgive him and he didnt cheat again (family friend) but this is rare. Sadly once a cheater always a cheater and your dh has possibly done it at least twice. Sorry op xx

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