Other woman is pregnant...

[holisticlori]

Hi I’m new here so sorry if I ramble. I’m not used to forums...
I have been with my partner for almost five years. We have a son together who was born in March this year, and we’ve never actually had any problems - or so I thought!

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with our son in Feb, I got a message on Instagram from some throwaway/fake account claiming that my partner was cheating on me, and claiming they could prove it.
Initially I ignored them but they wouldn’t stop messaging so I blocked them. They ended up making two more to message me, after blocking the second, I was getting annoyed, so when the third popped up, I simply answered “instead of just claiming you can prove it, ACTUALLY prove it. Just because you say you can, that doesn’t exactly make me believe you. Hard evidence please otherwise shut up.” They never replied, so I forgot all about it.
I guessed someone was just being cruel and trying to cause trouble! At 29 years old old myself I wasn’t having any of it!
Well.
That was until yesterday when my partner came home from work early, and I was of course at home with our son.
I asked “what have they sent you home for? Are you alright?” And he looked pale and shaky so I assumed he was ill, but he told me to sit down and kept saying over and over and over “I’m so sorry.” So I told him he was scaring me, what has he done?
He blurted it all out that back in May he had a one night stand with a new-ish colleague at his work, and now she’s claiming to be pregnant with his baby...
At this moment, I remembered the messages from February and brought them up to him. He said that was absolutely not true.She was only new at his company in May, and the night in question had been her ‘welcome aboard’ party, which I did actually know about, and I know that she arranged it all at the local pub. I have NEVER had any reasons not to trust him before now and he’s never treated me badly or lied to me before - that I’m aware of anyway! So I don’t think he’s lying about that. But then again maybe he is! Who knows anymore?! I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before and he said because it was a massive mistake and that he regretted it so much and wanted to pretend it never happened and it would never happen again. He insists that they did use protection and she also claimed to be on the pill, so he doesn’t understand how this could have happened. He came home very early hours of the morning that night, I remember, and had the audacity to cuddle up to me in bed!!!! After having done the dirty with her!!!! At the time I just assumed that he’d ended up going back to one of his colleague’s houses to drink more after the pub shut! I feel like such an idiot! 😞
I told him to get some proof that she’s pregnant first, and he says he intends to. I asked what he’s going to do, and he said he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want her, he loves me, but clearly he doesn’t if he’d cheat! I said to him he doesn’t love me and he can't just try to force her to have a termination, as much as it kills me to say that, but it’s her choice and he’s the one who cheated! And he said “I do actually love you. But no I know I can’t force her. It would be easier though. But I know I can’t ask her to do that.” So I told him I need a break from him at the very least. We both cried, he kept apologising, but he ended up respecting my wishes (eventually!) and leaving, he’s stayed the night at his sister’s (confirmed by her). I haven’t slept. I just keep crying. I can’t believe that he’s done this. I really had no idea at all. No red flags, nothing! He’s never been nasty to me or cheated before, he’s never been manipulative or lazy or anything! I always thought we’d had a good sex life and that he’d always found me attractive - he said so! So why would he do this? Our relationship has always been amazing! Obviously not! What on Earth do I do now? How can I cope if she really is pregnant with his child and decides to keep it? What about our son?! Only four months old and already his Daddy has torn our family apart! He’s an amazing Dad to our son, and is very hands on. I just can’t believe he’s done this...
I’m in so much shock! Heartbroken.
Sorry this is so long

It's clear to see hes a serial cheat, someone else messages in Feb and in may he sleeps with another woman and he only comes clean because shes pregnant. He sounds like a opportunist if the chance to cheat comes up he will. I wouldn't be surprised if all his colleagues know about what he gets up to. The message is childish ould have been off one of the woman he essentially used for sex and they want to get back at him.

Get a whiff of that coffee I’m afraid, very unlikely it’s a first time, all family’s are surprised when cheats are first found out, we all think ohh no not my DH :/ but do u seriously think your other half has gone from faithful to getting someone pregnant in one fail swoop

In some ways whether he was cheating in February doesn't make a massive difference to the current situation.

A child from an affair isn't something I could forgive and move on from tbh.

I do think it's strange that someone would go to the extent of making 3 insta accounts to say that, especially while you were pregnant. That's exceedingly cruel if it was untrue.

I think if I had any inclination to get passed this, I would want to know if he's cheated in the past. You need to know what you're dealing with.

I'd ask him to submit to a polygraph test and answer questions about any other infidelities, apart from the night in May.

If you stay with him and she has the baby, that's a constant reminder of his infidelity. Even if he chooses not to have a relationship with the child, he still has to pay CS, as he lawfully should.

I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation, betrayed by your DP.

FWIW at least his story matched up to hers, but it's the loss of trust you're left with.

Take care of yourself and your baby. Remember to eat (even little bits) and keep hydrated at least. It's getting hot this week if you're in the UK.

I AM focusing on his betrayal! Hard not to.
I’m only responding to what others have said about those messages since that’s all anyone seems to want to bring up; the messages ARE childish. That’s just a fact. The way it’s portrayed makes it unbelievable to me.

I’m not making excuses for anyone tbh. I’m being as realistic as possible, since I do know the man involved and have done for years. This genuinely is so unlike him.
What I don’t understand is why now? None of his exes were cheated on by him.
I know he’s BEEN cheated on (I remember him at the time being absolutely devastated, and it’s something that that particular ex of his even confessed to!) but he’s never cheated in the past. So it’s horrible to hear people call him a “serial cheat”. He’s not.
He’s cheated NOW, yes. I’m not denying or excusing that. He’s a total rat for doing it and I’m not sure I can forgive him for this right now or ever, especially since he knows how it feels!

I want to think that he got so out-of-it drunk that he made a stupid mistake, yes. But I don’t know if I can forgive it.
As for her, she doesn’t want him either. She’s made that clear!

I think you need to ask him to come completely clean he has to own up to everything and say you know about the previous cheating.

I don't think the messages are fake, they weren't nice but it feels as if someone knew he was cheating and enjoyed telling you.

The issue with cheating is that no one accidentally falls into bed with someone. He will have flirted for a period of time before and he withheld information about you deliberately which suggests it was premeditated.
Most people can't help but reveal details of their home life in general chat so he is likely to have been attracted to her and 'planned' the flirting.

The other issue with cheating is that something in his mind made this acceptable to him. He had opportunities to stop at various points but didn't. They must have been some sense of this was acceptable.

So difficult for you and it will take time to heal. Even if you stay together you will now forever be looking be checking for signs.

but he’s never cheated in the past. So it’s horrible to hear people call him a “serial cheat”. He’s not.

You do not know that. This is a man who had unprotected sex and got another woman pregnant. I find it hard to believe this was a one-off incident.

If you want to forgive him and accept the baby and OW into your life, that is your choice. However, don't be blind to other things he may have been doing behind your back.

You're buring you're head in the sand op. You wont know if he cheated on his previous partners only he knows that. I doubt my ex told his dw he cheated on me and left me with a 1 year old.

I agree that he’s a regular cheater. To shag the other woman and then cuddle up to you does not show remorse. It shows he’s more than comfortable with it.
He’s told you today because he’s probably insulted the other woman and she’s threatened to tell you unless he tells you himself. He’s chosen to tell you himself so he can control the contents of his story.
If they only had sex once, (although it only takes once) there’s a chance it may not be his. If they both used protection, it’s weird that he’s not questioning it more or saying, once there’s DNA evidence, I’ll step up. But until then, you’re expected to accept their account of what happened.
As hard as it is, you don’t need to deal with the other child yet or if at all. Try to focus on your own baby and of course yourself. As hard as it is, don’t make all his crap the focus of your day. X

@lifebegins50 I agree with this. While you were with your new baby at home he was flirting with someone else at work and conveniently forgetting to tell her about his home life. I gave birth in February and my husband was shouting it from the roof tops, we visited his work friends within a week he was so excited about it all.

If you do want to try and move forward though I think he needs to come clean about everything, I would be very surprised if this was the first time.

Well you didn't know he cheated on you this time until he actually told you, he managed to hide that well. What makes you so sure he hasn't done it before?

The "Other Woman" is irrelevant in this.

He has heated AND admitted it. And like many other people have suggested, the likely hood is that he has cheated before and the woman in feburary was telling the truth.

no smoke without fire.

As someone else implied...

If he looks like a cheating bastard, admits to being a cheating bastard, he's probably a cheating bastard.

My belief at this point would be that it was a out-of-it-drunk stupid mistake, yes, because that is what the evidence you have points to.

However, the problem even then is that this ‘stupid mistake’ has resulted in a positive pregnancy test, which may result in a baby - and no child deserves to come into the world as a ‘stupid mistake’. So whatever happens, the child deserves as much love and security as any other child, and if your partner is the father and she goes ahead with the pregnancy, then that is the sober reality of what he needs to step up to.

It is far too soon to talk about forgiveness, as it is all very raw. Your life has shifted in a way you did not see as possible. So you need to adjust to that, which will take space and time, and just as what the other woman does with being pregnant, what you do with your relationship is up to you

Whilst the message sin February were childish, I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was truth in them. You understandable seem keen to dismiss the possibility, but unless this woman was pregnant you wouldn't have known he'd cheated in May either.

What do you think the motivation would be for someone to make multiple accounts? They obviously knew his name and that you were pregnant?

It is obviously not out of character, the ability to cheat is obviously very much in his character - he's done it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, hope you get the answers you need.

So he literally fucked another woman and yet you don't believe messages saying he fucked another woman a few months before?? Just cos they sounded a bit childish??

OP, wake up. Good god. Of course those messages were true. Did you even look for any evidence on his phone at the time?!

It'd be all gone now. He'd have gone through his phone like a forensic scientist since this revelation.

Unfortunately I've been in your shoes (discovering an affair) and it's very hard but some things I've learnt is: (and also to balance out the leave him crew)

You as a person will survive it even when you think the pain is too much

There is more lies and eventually the truth will come out. He needs to completely and honestly disclose everything if you have a hope of survival.

Don't make decisions when you're in shock and be very careful who you tell. Some people just want the gossip and never hear from them again. Most advice is not to make decisions about your marriage for a year afterwards. Whilst it's hard it's true. (I'm 18 months down the line)

Don't talk to the other woman. They are liars with shitty self esteem (would you settle for being the other woman?) (obviously presuming she knew he was married but given feb texts probably). No good comes of contact with her. I did I ended up more hurt.

Set some clear boundaries about contact with her and him. He needs to respect them and understand the consequences if he doesn't. You decide what they are.

Make an exit plan even if you never use it it's very helpful in setting boundaries.

He didn't have a one night stand. Or if he did there has been someone else. Most likely is he's been seeing the same person since before Feb and now he's ended it finally she's escalated.

I highly recommend affair recovery videos on you tube for him and you. Go ask suzie website is good too. Letters to my husbands affair also.

Get a professional involved. Both individual and couples therapy for you both. The NHS can provide both in most areas with a wait.

We have a time out policy. If a conversation is becoming too much for either of us one calls time out, we separate for 30 mins, then come back when calmer.

We don't fight around our son and have discussions out of the house whilst possible.

My husband saved our marriage. It took time and there were circumstances which were different but the things he did were:

Became completely transparent. I have access to everything including his work email and apps (it was a work affair)

He answered every question I asked with no limits.

He cut contact with her to nearly nothing (they still work together as he's under contract for another 2 years)

He got therapy himself which has been life changing for him

We started couples therapy after a year.

He watched a lot of the affair recovery videos and digested their messages at length.

He became more compassionate and clear

We set boundaries and he sticks to them religiously

He will discuss things as an when I want

We did a lot of exploration about our relationship

My marriage is stronger than it's ever been but it has taken us both to put some work in. We are a partnership and whilst he did the damage he's done the majority of the work (I remained ambivalent about the marriage for around 9 months). We've learnt a lot about ourselves and our dynamic and it's far healthier. He's far healthier.

I am happy to answer questions but not judgements. :)

What I don’t understand is why now? It's probably because you were pregnant OP. A lot of men cheat then. :(

holisticlori - however childish the messages, why do you think you were targeted for them? It's not the norm for someone to be persistently targeted by a complete stranger. So who knows you who hates you or your dp so much that they would actually invent something like that?

Also those messages, they sound like just the sort of thing a very bitter woman would send. Sorry.

Right now you're experiencing a trauma. Your world is not what you thought it was that's why it's no time to make decisions. Please go easy on yourself.

Tell him to stop lying.

It was not a one night stand.

If the ONS appeared after the messages do you think he had relations with two women now?

In all honesty, it seems more likely to me that your dp was unfaithful to you throughout your pregnancy than that he wasn't.

I think focus on what you know:

• He has cheated
• He only told you this when his hand was forced due to the pregnancy
• You received messages claiming he was cheating

Given that he did cheat and avoided telling you the truth it seems quite possible he has cheated before. It could be a troll, but given that he has cheated this seems less likely. The messages may be childish but this does not mean there is no truth there.

I think the messages in February are very likely to be true.
He did cheat then and someone was trying very hard to tell you.
The fact that he did not mention youths baby to the pregnant woman implies like has been said above, that it was all premeditated.
He has only told you because he has to.
He has No remorse, only for himself. He is only sorry because He has has to come clean.
He found it incredibly easy to jump from her bed to yours.
He might have shagged lots of women for all you know.

Protect yourself and your child.
I would bet that if you stay with this man, you will lead a life of heartache.
If he so easily cheats on you now, imagine what he will do in Years to come, when you are fatter, wobblier, older, making more demands on him to pull his weight.
Imagine someone with his mindset. The choice of do I go home to the nagging old wife, expecting me to actually cook and share the monotony of caring for out children. Or do I stay out, have a laugh with the possibility of getting laid by that new young, adorable blonde who's just started working with us and is a bit vulnerable and lonely.

Wow, @beccarocks I can really see why your marriage got better. Your husband did all the things I was desperate for my ex to do and he just wouldn't. He wanted it to get better by itself.

He got therapy himself which has been life changing for him - do you know what he discovered?

So impressed with your husband's emotional courage. Yes he was wrong but he really 'got it' and worked hard to make amends. That's rare Becca you are lucky.

It doesn't really matter if he's a serial cheater or a once off fact is he cheated. I think the Feb messages were from a different person. You had a new baby at home and he's in bed with another woman. You seem to blame this on drink I'm sorry but you don't just fall into bed with someone.