Other woman is pregnant...

[holisticlori]

Hi I’m new here so sorry if I ramble. I’m not used to forums...
I have been with my partner for almost five years. We have a son together who was born in March this year, and we’ve never actually had any problems - or so I thought!

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with our son in Feb, I got a message on Instagram from some throwaway/fake account claiming that my partner was cheating on me, and claiming they could prove it.
Initially I ignored them but they wouldn’t stop messaging so I blocked them. They ended up making two more to message me, after blocking the second, I was getting annoyed, so when the third popped up, I simply answered “instead of just claiming you can prove it, ACTUALLY prove it. Just because you say you can, that doesn’t exactly make me believe you. Hard evidence please otherwise shut up.” They never replied, so I forgot all about it.
I guessed someone was just being cruel and trying to cause trouble! At 29 years old old myself I wasn’t having any of it!
Well.
That was until yesterday when my partner came home from work early, and I was of course at home with our son.
I asked “what have they sent you home for? Are you alright?” And he looked pale and shaky so I assumed he was ill, but he told me to sit down and kept saying over and over and over “I’m so sorry.” So I told him he was scaring me, what has he done?
He blurted it all out that back in May he had a one night stand with a new-ish colleague at his work, and now she’s claiming to be pregnant with his baby...
At this moment, I remembered the messages from February and brought them up to him. He said that was absolutely not true.She was only new at his company in May, and the night in question had been her ‘welcome aboard’ party, which I did actually know about, and I know that she arranged it all at the local pub. I have NEVER had any reasons not to trust him before now and he’s never treated me badly or lied to me before - that I’m aware of anyway! So I don’t think he’s lying about that. But then again maybe he is! Who knows anymore?! I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before and he said because it was a massive mistake and that he regretted it so much and wanted to pretend it never happened and it would never happen again. He insists that they did use protection and she also claimed to be on the pill, so he doesn’t understand how this could have happened. He came home very early hours of the morning that night, I remember, and had the audacity to cuddle up to me in bed!!!! After having done the dirty with her!!!! At the time I just assumed that he’d ended up going back to one of his colleague’s houses to drink more after the pub shut! I feel like such an idiot! 😞
I told him to get some proof that she’s pregnant first, and he says he intends to. I asked what he’s going to do, and he said he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want her, he loves me, but clearly he doesn’t if he’d cheat! I said to him he doesn’t love me and he can't just try to force her to have a termination, as much as it kills me to say that, but it’s her choice and he’s the one who cheated! And he said “I do actually love you. But no I know I can’t force her. It would be easier though. But I know I can’t ask her to do that.” So I told him I need a break from him at the very least. We both cried, he kept apologising, but he ended up respecting my wishes (eventually!) and leaving, he’s stayed the night at his sister’s (confirmed by her). I haven’t slept. I just keep crying. I can’t believe that he’s done this. I really had no idea at all. No red flags, nothing! He’s never been nasty to me or cheated before, he’s never been manipulative or lazy or anything! I always thought we’d had a good sex life and that he’d always found me attractive - he said so! So why would he do this? Our relationship has always been amazing! Obviously not! What on Earth do I do now? How can I cope if she really is pregnant with his child and decides to keep it? What about our son?! Only four months old and already his Daddy has torn our family apart! He’s an amazing Dad to our son, and is very hands on. I just can’t believe he’s done this...
I’m in so much shock! Heartbroken.
Sorry this is so long

Hmm, little grey cells turning over for Auntie.

People are odd & do stupid stuff all the time, & probably would do far worse but common sense hauls them back in line.

Office Christmas parties are the perfect storm for light flirtations, quick snogs & loads of booze to get out of hand. Through January to February is when an Christmas party affair will take off or not. Also for folk who hoped for something which they did not get what they wanted to seethe long & hard. So, I would treat the February messages with caution. Could be your OH did have a quick snog with someone/declined someone/something on offer & just a few weeks later decides to cause him trouble.

Also do not discount the weirdness that some people can be jealous (rather than envious) of a woman having a baby with a man (who they may want) who loves her, & they go out of their way to cause mischief.

That said, nowt changes his infidelity/ONS in May.

If OW(!) has just started a new job in May, being very blunt, I doubt she is planning to be a mother anytime soon. She will decide what is best for her to do. BUT I urge caution about pushing your partner away too hard & too fast as circumstances may pull him & OW closer over the pregnancy.

It is very early days.
Understandably, you are shocked & deeply hurt.
Give yourselves some space & talk, talk talk.
Now would be a good time to see a couples counsellor as this would be a neutral non-judgemental space to explore your relationship & commitment to each other. Your partner needs to step up to make good on his monumental error of judgement. If after this, doubt remains then you are better placed to decide if you want to continue your relationship with him.

You will always have him in your life as he is the father of your child - you cannot just push him out of sight, out of mind - so give yourself time & space to come to a decision about what works for you.

Apart from anything, how stupid of both of them to welcome her to a new company with a drunken shag .

How is this going to go down with his company/bosses?

@catsandchardonnay that's not especially fair. Some people have told her to leave. A lot of people have just pointed out that he'd be extremely unlucky to have had someone predict his infidelity in February, when he wasn't unfaithful until May.

It's pretty standard psychology. It's Occam's Razor.

It is possible that a random person who knows OP, her partner and that she was expecting made up that he was cheating and made several accounts to tell her so...

It's also possible that he actually was unfaithful, and the person was telling OP, admittedly in a pretty immature way (but OP has said a lot of people around her talk and behave like that, so it may well be regional/cultural).

The latter is far, far more likely, especially given that her DP has now cheated. He is now a cheat. Therefore it is far more statistically likely that he was a cheat three months before, than that a random loon who knows them both targeted them with some lies.

I've made no judgement on whether OP stays, it's her relationship and her call, but I'd argue that it's more unfair to help OP believe that he's cheated once and February was a random attack from someone who knows them, and then have it hit her down the line that really, there's almost no chance that this was the case.

They always only tell you the least of it. Never the full story. I would be inclined to believe those messages.

@holisticlori maybe ask this thread to be moved to Relationships.You will get much better answers there.

The way he reacted to her would make me think that he got really drunk and did something stupid. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't make it ok and it doesn't mean he gets to stay. But it also doesn't sound like a serial philanderer.

i'm sorry, but showing remorse as you're pulling your trousers back on is as bad as showing no remorse at all!

i'm another that is in a marriage that has been strengthened by the actions of both of us after affairs, but the context was totally different. neither of us were happy, and neither of us was in a vulnerable position/unaware of the others' unhappiness.

i agree that you should not make any rash decisions now, but all the same - you need to think very carefully about whether you are prepared to spend the rest of your life watching your H toddle off to his other child every other weekend (or host them in your home). remembering that those family holidays you've been dreaming about will likely need to be scaled down, because of maintenance payments he'll be making.

his actions have compromised both your futures (and that of your child) - in terms of time, money, emotional energy and focus.

Did you discuss the February messages with him at the time? How did he react?

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It must feel like the end of the world.

LTB.

Please don't let him spin up a story for you e.g. it was just once, he was drunk, he was feeling vulnerable because you were pregnant, he was being self-destructive because deep down he knows he's not good enough for you....

Not only is a a cheat, he has incredibly bad judgement and he'll bring you into greater, more colourful disasters over the years if you stay.

So sorry, OP.

I think the only reason he's mentioned this affair is because she's pregnant and you know. I think he was cheating in February when you got the texts.

I don't think it really matters if he was a serial cheat or not. If this baby is his then he has created an absolute disaster of a situation, it doesn't matter if it's his 50th time cheating with the 12th different woman, or if it was a one off 5 second job with a random woman.

If the baby is his then how can your relationship continue? Would you want him not to see the baby? Could you actually have any respect for a man who doesn't bother to see his child? Maybe you would see that as proof of his love for you and your son....but deep down could you actually respect him as a man?

If he sees the child then what? Won't you always be reminded of this? feel pangs of sadness etc. every time you are remember how this child was born? Won't everyone you know find out eventually?

What about your child? Would you hide the truth from this child? or would they know if they had a half brother or sister? As someone who found out in my early 20s that I had an half sister I don't think my parents had the right to hide it from me. What if you wanted more children in the future, are you ok with the idea of a half sibling being born for them in the middle of your family?

These questions are just something for you to think about. I don't see how women can ever get past this type of thing!

even worse then isnt it if he had everything at ome and he still shagged around just because he could.not that there ever is an excuse but this bloke...wanker.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP

Given what you now know it is reasonable to assume that the messages in Feb were about him cheating with someone else. You say you are certain he has not cheated before but you cannot be in any way certain as he now been exposed as a cheating liar. Even if they where childish in their composition it does not mean they were a prank. For you to detail the messages in your opening post as well as the confirmed cheating in May it would suggest you think they have a relevance.

He did not tell you about his one night stand willingly or voluntarily, he only came clean when faced with the news of the pregnancy. No doubt he would have kept if a forever secret if this situation had not occurred. For 6 or more weeks he has worked in the same place with this woman and said nothing to you.
He lied to the OW too as it appears she knew nothing about you until after he slept with her, she has told you how she felt used and can't be bothered with him after his behaviour. He deliberately let her think he was a single man and never mentioned you or his new son at any point all evening.

For some people the confirmed cheating would be the end of the relationship.

If you forgive him and she decides to continue with the pregnancy and he is confirmed as the father there will be a lifelong impact to your relationship. He will be required to pay CMS for the next 18 years. If he has a relationship with the child then your son may also have a relationship with their half brother/sister and you may eventually be a part of their lives too. Is this something you could do? If he refuses to have a relationship with the child would this not affect how you see him also?

If you forgive him and she decides to end the pregnancy it will still be tremendously hard work to rebuild the relationship.

The fact she had only one condom is irrelevant condoms have a shelf life of 5 years so having only one left is no indication of how many recent sexual partners she has had at all.

Sounds like he cheated in February with one woman, then in April with someone else.

Nothing to add lass, other than to send you a handhold through this.

Another for going against the grain:

I too have known of people doing this to get back at someone.
I’m not sure the Feb txts are related, but, does that mean there is a another one?
I agree you should do nothing for a little while, just get your mind clear.
Before making any decisions I would want to find out ‘the facts’ for myself.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

At the end of the day he has admitted to cheating on you.
Without the other reasons, would you be able to trust him/be happy to take him back?
It is your life, no one else’s. Do what’s best for you and your son!

I am so very sorry, op. it must have been a dreadful shock to you. I can't add to what has already been said. We're all rooting for you.
Look after yourself.

Give yourself six months to process everything.

When OW’s child is born, I suggest a DNA test, for certainty. It may not change your outcome if the child is not his, but at least you will all know.

@Biancadelrioisback*

It's being realistic...not dickish. You trivialising this to gold stars speaks volumes tbh.

To believe one goes from being the perfect faithful partner, to cheating when his baby is 2 months old with a ONS...and he only reveals this when the OW pregnant is naive....and over trusting.

It may have been a ONS with the OW...but those messages didnt come out of nowhere.

Too many women don't want to see the reality in the face of compelling evidence and are in denial. Thats normal...but ppl are pointing out the more likely scenario.

We can't join and say it was a one off, because the information doesn't support that it was.

OP... How many men go around bragging that they've cheated on previous partners? Of course that's not something he would have told you. Doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I don’t see the point in the odd poster defending him by saying maybe the texts in February were not true to make the op feel better. The relevant part is there is another woman carrying his child!

You keep saying that this is out of character, which bit? The cheating, the repeated lying, the cover up etc. What you do know, is that this is very much part of his character, just a side which he’s been smart enough to keep hidden til now.

Given that he’s been found out I wouldn’t be to quick to dismiss the earlier cheating messages. I totally understand your desperation to find anything to mitigate his behaviour but sadly this is what opportunism plus entitlement looks like.

Right now he’s in damage limitation mode and will make all kinds of promises to limit the length of time ‘you get over it.

What an awful situation OP. However, you need to pay attention to those messages you received back in Feb. It sounds like a bitter person sent them to you and that's why they were laughing - either the woman he was having an affair with or else a friend of the woman. Just because they were laughing, doesn't mean they were lying. Are their social media accounts still active? Can you message them back now?

The truth is you just found out your OH has been sleeping with another woman. A few months ago, you got anonymous messages to say he was cheating on you. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. He was cheating on you then too, not the same woman either since the woman who is now pregnant wasn't on the scene then. Time to pull your head out of the sand, I'm afraid.

@SandyY2K I am not commenting either way on whether he cheated before, I dont know him, but ramming it down OPs throat when she has all but asked people to stop is not fair and that is my point. It seems that some people on here are taking far too much joy in seeing OP in pain and trying to upset her more.
She clearly isn't ready yet to have "reality" forced down her throat.

On a side note, he can be a good father and still be a cheat. Cheating on his wife doesn't make him a bad father, it makes his a bad husband and a poor role model.

How did he act when he came home from the night out? I know hindsight is a wonderful thing so you probably didn’t realise anything different at the time but looking back, do you think he acted guilty or suspicious in any way? If he didn’t and if he has just acted completely normally over the past two months then he is a very good liar indeed. He has probably only bothered telling you because she is pregnant, otherwise he’d have kept this from you forever.

I’d also believe the Instagram messages. I was contacted this way by my ex’s OW and I didn’t want to believe it at first but it was true. I think if he has managed to lie to you for two solid months about this ONS and hasn’t even acted differently then yeah, it’s definitely plausible he cheated in the past too.

He had a two month old baby at home with his DP and he went back to another woman’s house to fuck her. He’s disgraceful and this is absolutely unforgivable, especially now there’s a baby in the mix.