Other woman is pregnant...

[holisticlori]

Hi I’m new here so sorry if I ramble. I’m not used to forums...
I have been with my partner for almost five years. We have a son together who was born in March this year, and we’ve never actually had any problems - or so I thought!

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with our son in Feb, I got a message on Instagram from some throwaway/fake account claiming that my partner was cheating on me, and claiming they could prove it.
Initially I ignored them but they wouldn’t stop messaging so I blocked them. They ended up making two more to message me, after blocking the second, I was getting annoyed, so when the third popped up, I simply answered “instead of just claiming you can prove it, ACTUALLY prove it. Just because you say you can, that doesn’t exactly make me believe you. Hard evidence please otherwise shut up.” They never replied, so I forgot all about it.
I guessed someone was just being cruel and trying to cause trouble! At 29 years old old myself I wasn’t having any of it!
Well.
That was until yesterday when my partner came home from work early, and I was of course at home with our son.
I asked “what have they sent you home for? Are you alright?” And he looked pale and shaky so I assumed he was ill, but he told me to sit down and kept saying over and over and over “I’m so sorry.” So I told him he was scaring me, what has he done?
He blurted it all out that back in May he had a one night stand with a new-ish colleague at his work, and now she’s claiming to be pregnant with his baby...
At this moment, I remembered the messages from February and brought them up to him. He said that was absolutely not true.She was only new at his company in May, and the night in question had been her ‘welcome aboard’ party, which I did actually know about, and I know that she arranged it all at the local pub. I have NEVER had any reasons not to trust him before now and he’s never treated me badly or lied to me before - that I’m aware of anyway! So I don’t think he’s lying about that. But then again maybe he is! Who knows anymore?! I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before and he said because it was a massive mistake and that he regretted it so much and wanted to pretend it never happened and it would never happen again. He insists that they did use protection and she also claimed to be on the pill, so he doesn’t understand how this could have happened. He came home very early hours of the morning that night, I remember, and had the audacity to cuddle up to me in bed!!!! After having done the dirty with her!!!! At the time I just assumed that he’d ended up going back to one of his colleague’s houses to drink more after the pub shut! I feel like such an idiot! 😞
I told him to get some proof that she’s pregnant first, and he says he intends to. I asked what he’s going to do, and he said he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want her, he loves me, but clearly he doesn’t if he’d cheat! I said to him he doesn’t love me and he can't just try to force her to have a termination, as much as it kills me to say that, but it’s her choice and he’s the one who cheated! And he said “I do actually love you. But no I know I can’t force her. It would be easier though. But I know I can’t ask her to do that.” So I told him I need a break from him at the very least. We both cried, he kept apologising, but he ended up respecting my wishes (eventually!) and leaving, he’s stayed the night at his sister’s (confirmed by her). I haven’t slept. I just keep crying. I can’t believe that he’s done this. I really had no idea at all. No red flags, nothing! He’s never been nasty to me or cheated before, he’s never been manipulative or lazy or anything! I always thought we’d had a good sex life and that he’d always found me attractive - he said so! So why would he do this? Our relationship has always been amazing! Obviously not! What on Earth do I do now? How can I cope if she really is pregnant with his child and decides to keep it? What about our son?! Only four months old and already his Daddy has torn our family apart! He’s an amazing Dad to our son, and is very hands on. I just can’t believe he’s done this...
I’m in so much shock! Heartbroken.
Sorry this is so long

Sorry but I also think this isn't the first time. He only told you because she might be pregnant, he only told her about you after he got what he wanted. He came home and snuggled up to you without a problem.

You only have his word that he hasn't cheated before and we know that isn't trustworthy. It turns out my cheating ex had cheated on previous partners even though he said it was the other way round. He didn't get caught the first time either, but I only found out it wasn't the first time after he had cheated again.

It is up to you to decide what you want to do, but you have to be realistic here, those messages in Feb were probably true. Too much of a coincidence otherwise and some women can be quite childish. Also, advice is normally to tell someone anonymously

You have to also consider if she keeps this child and a DNA test proves it is his, he will most likely have that child in his life forever (if he’s worth the ground he walks on anyway). Can you really live with the product of his affair in your home every weekend?

Yep he's cheated before. The person might be immature, or the person who knows might be immature, but he still did it.

Op at the moment you are desperate to hold on to the idea that the man you love loves you and wants to be with you more than anything else.
You want to cling to the fact that this is all one huge mistake.
Unfortunately it isnt.

My friend was in the position of knowing her friends h was cheating on her, again. She asked my advice and I said tell her and if she couldn't face doing that, then send an anonymous message.
To cut a long story short someone else messaged her anonymously so let me tell you those messages were more than likely true.

Your h will more than likely tell you the pregnancy was a complete error of judgement, a one off, he was so drunk he can hardly remember it.
The fact is he wasn't that drunk was he? He got her pregnant and you know what means.
He has also managed to avoid any discussion about you or his baby, how convenient for him.
You mentioned that the previous messages implied they were sent after the sender saw a picture of you with your baby.
Perhaps that was the deciding factor, the fact he obviously does have a partner and child. Perhaps he had never mentioned you to whoever sent the messages.

Take care of yourself op. Confide in someone in rl.

You're being naive. Call his bluff on the messages from February tell him you contacted the person again because of what has happened and they have sent you proof so he should just come clean. I bet you he admits to it.

Can you unblock the people that sent messages in February and contact them again? I think you will find this is not the first time he has cheated

So sorry OP, hope you are ok 💐

I don’t know anyone who has been trolled on Instagram with affair messages. I’m sorry but it’s not something that happens.

I never understand the “out of it drunk” excuses, surely being that drunk (enough to excuse cheating) would mean he couldn’t get it up anyway? Wishful thinking I think op, I really do feel for you :( awful situation

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if there was another woman in February. You know he slept with, and possibly impregnated, another woman in May.

@Biancadelrioisback

It seems that some people on here are taking far too much joy in seeing OP in pain and trying to upset her more.

I absolutely agree with you. Some people are shoving supposed home truths down the OP's neck in the harshest, crassest terms.

It ought to be possible to give her advice or the benefit of people's own experiences without twisting the knife like that.

OP I hope you're doing ok x

@ScreamingLadySutch I realise its exceptionally unusual to have the response I have from my husband and I know that staying after an infidelity is an incredibly personal thing. He had an affair for 6 months and I found out, by accident, he didn't admit it. It was horrific and painful and he didn't respond well to start with, it took around 4 months for actual accountability and the defensiveness to drop. Then everything changed.

His therapist was wonderful and genuinely changed his life. He discovered he is on the autistic spectrum amongst other things and he's learnt a lot about himself and very negative attitudes towards the world.

I've learnt a lot about myself too.

OP I hope you're doing okay this evening.

Before he left he said he’ll do anything, even couples’ counselling.

Right, because going to couples counselling would be the worst punishment ever 🤔 As opposed to, you know, asking him to hand in his resignation with immediate effect, or a member of your family cutting his balls off with a dull knife.

Sorry to say this, but I'm in agreement with the majority of posters here. I know plenty of people who will happily bang someone other than their partner if they think they won't be found out. Add alcohol to that and the inhibitions drop even further.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Love isn't this black and white thing where we love someone and then magically don't want to fuck anyone else, ever.

I'm having difficulty accepting that she's pregnant if they used a condom AND she was on the pill. Did you ask her about the pill? And I agree with a PP that it's a weird conversation to have with someone you're about to have no strings sex with. I'm on depo provera but I don't announce that to every casual shag - I just get a condom out.

(Before anyone gets up in my grill, all my sexual partners for the last 5 years have been told I'm not monogamous.)

I too wondered through reading this thread like @loobyloo1234 said above if sending a message to those accounts from February is possible or even worthwhile to get some more info, just really to get a full view on this situation. Just an idea.

Whatever you decide, hugs for you OP. This must be very hard right now. If you need to focus on one thing at a time, then focus on one thing at a time. If you want to brush off the February messages, brush them off. Everything must be very overwhelming. Take your time.

How you holding up though? Do you have family/friends near to help support you and your son?

@holisticlori OP I know exactly how you're feeling. After DD was born, my DP changed COMPLETELY! Started cheating and in fact, was in a relationship with OW whilst we were planning our family holiday! Then, whilst on the phone to him, the day before our holiday, just moments after telling me how much he loved me & our little family etc - I suddenly discovered his cheating and he immediately turned on me and began referring to the OW as "my girlfriend!" Saying awful things to me. Suddenly I was the enemy and he stayed with her! 2 years together and a just turned 1 yr old child who he hasn't seen since. He had always been such a little sweetheart! Everyone who meets him thinks he's adorable! "meek & mild Andy" His friends & family refused to believe it and in fact, 4 years later, some of them still don't believe he cheated. Not capable apparently! Despite him being with & introducing the OW to them immediately after us breaking up! That's how adamant they were that he wasn't capable......

Please please don't set yourself up for further pain by believing that ANYONE is not capable.

I personally wouldn't ever cheat on anyone. However that doesn't mean I'm not 'capable' of it in certain circumstances. After all, our subconscious & conscious minds aren't always in sync. We are ALL capable of things we never believed we were....