Other woman is pregnant...

[holisticlori]

Hi I’m new here so sorry if I ramble. I’m not used to forums...
I have been with my partner for almost five years. We have a son together who was born in March this year, and we’ve never actually had any problems - or so I thought!

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with our son in Feb, I got a message on Instagram from some throwaway/fake account claiming that my partner was cheating on me, and claiming they could prove it.
Initially I ignored them but they wouldn’t stop messaging so I blocked them. They ended up making two more to message me, after blocking the second, I was getting annoyed, so when the third popped up, I simply answered “instead of just claiming you can prove it, ACTUALLY prove it. Just because you say you can, that doesn’t exactly make me believe you. Hard evidence please otherwise shut up.” They never replied, so I forgot all about it.
I guessed someone was just being cruel and trying to cause trouble! At 29 years old old myself I wasn’t having any of it!
Well.
That was until yesterday when my partner came home from work early, and I was of course at home with our son.
I asked “what have they sent you home for? Are you alright?” And he looked pale and shaky so I assumed he was ill, but he told me to sit down and kept saying over and over and over “I’m so sorry.” So I told him he was scaring me, what has he done?
He blurted it all out that back in May he had a one night stand with a new-ish colleague at his work, and now she’s claiming to be pregnant with his baby...
At this moment, I remembered the messages from February and brought them up to him. He said that was absolutely not true.She was only new at his company in May, and the night in question had been her ‘welcome aboard’ party, which I did actually know about, and I know that she arranged it all at the local pub. I have NEVER had any reasons not to trust him before now and he’s never treated me badly or lied to me before - that I’m aware of anyway! So I don’t think he’s lying about that. But then again maybe he is! Who knows anymore?! I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before and he said because it was a massive mistake and that he regretted it so much and wanted to pretend it never happened and it would never happen again. He insists that they did use protection and she also claimed to be on the pill, so he doesn’t understand how this could have happened. He came home very early hours of the morning that night, I remember, and had the audacity to cuddle up to me in bed!!!! After having done the dirty with her!!!! At the time I just assumed that he’d ended up going back to one of his colleague’s houses to drink more after the pub shut! I feel like such an idiot! 😞
I told him to get some proof that she’s pregnant first, and he says he intends to. I asked what he’s going to do, and he said he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want her, he loves me, but clearly he doesn’t if he’d cheat! I said to him he doesn’t love me and he can't just try to force her to have a termination, as much as it kills me to say that, but it’s her choice and he’s the one who cheated! And he said “I do actually love you. But no I know I can’t force her. It would be easier though. But I know I can’t ask her to do that.” So I told him I need a break from him at the very least. We both cried, he kept apologising, but he ended up respecting my wishes (eventually!) and leaving, he’s stayed the night at his sister’s (confirmed by her). I haven’t slept. I just keep crying. I can’t believe that he’s done this. I really had no idea at all. No red flags, nothing! He’s never been nasty to me or cheated before, he’s never been manipulative or lazy or anything! I always thought we’d had a good sex life and that he’d always found me attractive - he said so! So why would he do this? Our relationship has always been amazing! Obviously not! What on Earth do I do now? How can I cope if she really is pregnant with his child and decides to keep it? What about our son?! Only four months old and already his Daddy has torn our family apart! He’s an amazing Dad to our son, and is very hands on. I just can’t believe he’s done this...
I’m in so much shock! Heartbroken.
Sorry this is so long

Poor you OP but I do think you are being a bit naive. Yes he has been a lovely bloke up to now (as far as you know) but the fact is that he slept with someone else. It didn't happen by accident and the fact that he managed to go home to her house to sleep with her (suggesting at least a degree of pre shag chit chat) without mentioning his fiancé and child, really says a bit about it being premeditated. Even if he was drunk he still made a lot of choices that night so he couldn't have been too out of it - plus he was able to perform sexually.

The messages in Feb are weird, if he wasn't cheating then - why would someone (who obviously knows you/him) bother? But I also think it's odd that you didn't mention them to him at the time? I definitely would have in my relationship.

You seem keen to forgive and I understand why, but be careful here and don't decide anything too quickly. First things first, you need to know for sure if she's pregnant, and if she is, whether it's his and she's going to keep it. You might be able to forgive the cheating but that baby will change your whole lives.

Why does everyone feel the need to kick the OP while she's down. Whether or not he cheated before she has to deal with the harsh reality that her DP has got this particular OW pregnant. Thats plenty to be getting her head round. The rest will come out eventually if there is any truth in it.

really sorry OP...I dont know what to say to you.The only advice I can bring to the table is for the moment do nothing.Give yourself time and space to process things and then decide.Your whole world has been ripped apart and only you can know if you can accept this or not but right now everything is too raw to make any decisions.Non of this is your fault.Just to add.I feelit was more than a one night stand though ,,the reason for my thinking this is that I too have had casual throw away sex in the past and the conversation about contraception they had never took place with me...I was on the pill and carried condoms too but me and said person would never have had a conversation discussing it before hand ..we were in a rush and just got on with it....to have a conversation like that requires more intamicy than a quickie would suggest.Either way if there is a baby involved then it is going to mean major life changes for you not least financially but emotionally...its not the babies fault either and your little one could have a sibling...I hope you have good family and friends to support you.You may choose to forgive and thats ok if you can and want to but this will hang over you forever and you have to accept that.Things will not ever be the same again though and thats hard to accept for anyone.I am so so sorry this has happened to you.I wish you well in the coming days and hope once the fog clears and the anger and hurt you can make a decision based on what is right for you and your little one and not him....

What a bastard 😡

If you believe it's a ONS you will believe anything. This has clearly been going on for months at the very least.

Your DS might have a half sibling soon, and all he can do is say an abortion would be easier. Would of been easier if he never cheated on the first place.

Your right to take a break from him, just make sure it lasts for the next 50 years

@holisticlori Can he and his sister see your DC at another family members home, your parents perhaps? I just think that you are too vulnerable to be in the same space as him right now and he will turn on the waterworks and manipulate you into taking him back before you have had proper time to think and let the reality of it all sink in. You do not need to see him right now.

Please don't believe anything he says, he has shown himself to be capable of great deceit, please protect yourself and I would advise that you get a sti check and speak to a counsellor alone to try to make sense of how you are feeling. Please take care of yourself, you have two people to be strong for, you and little one, please confide in family or a friend that is trustworthy.

You say you know your husband and this is out of character- but he came home that night and you suspected nothing - if he hadn't got her pregnant and confessed, you would still suspect nothing.

I understand it is your prerogative to minimise in order to cling on to the idea of "normal" family life as a three, but you're selling yourself short. Whether you choose to believe it or not, no one went to the hassle of setting three email accounts up to generate three anonymous Instagram accounts just to never be able to see a reaction. Those messages in February relate to your husband being unfaithful, probably with someone else, probably not for the first time. It's probably some gilted woman who is sick of watching him shag about behind your back and get away with it.

I have a young son - you need to act in a way that sets a good example for him going forward. Your husband is a bad man.

Christ.

Well, I'd be believing the February messages now, unless he can categorically prove they are lies. It's too much of a coincidence that someone would message you continuously to say he's cheating, a few months before he decides to cheat for the first time.

He probably is stunned, he probably didn't expect you to ever find out and he probably didn't consider that he'd get someone else pregnant.

It'd almost be better if it was this woman in February - when was she announced? Any chance she came over for a settling in meeting/joined a team event/was announced earlier, and it was her then too?

Cheaters do tend to fool everyone the first time, including their families - not because it's out of character but because you think the best of the people you know and love, and you wouldn't think your son or brother was a cheat unless you knew he had history.

It's totally up to you what you do now, but make sure you get full answers, he owes you that at the very least and you don't have it yet.

It sounds like he cheated in February and now he's impregnated someone else. He's disgusting. Don't even consider getting back with him

I am so sorry to hear this OP. I would chime in with the others: take your time and make sure your finances are in shape so you can focus on your son. It sounds like you are unmarried and own the house - that makes it easier if you do split up.

I know you desperately want it to be a drunken mistake but the simple fact is: he's broken your trust. How will you feel the next time there is an afternoon out, a weekend away or a friend's meetup? From now on, you will always suspect the worst. That's the bottom line.

I'd leave him, I also bet that the woman hes got pregnant has blackmailed him by saying she will tell you so hes had to do it first.
It will not have been a one night stand no way.
I'd divorce him there's nothing to say apart from you need to be checked for STDs and sort out practicalities.

You say you're not making excuses for anyone but you are he cheated on you in February with someone else don't dismiss those messages

He has admitted to cheating on you with this work colleague he needs to have more sensible conversations with this woman around the pregnancy to determine whether it's true and whether it's his and what her plans are

However I could not forgive this and he would not be stepping back into my house so quickly your baby is not going to be wondering where its father is and he should be giving you some space

The problem here is you have a girl saying she is pregnant by your OH .Also some random messages .Your husband and you need a frank discussion !.At the moment you are in shock ,do you have a friend to stay with ?. Or could you see your parents for a few days, (you dont want to be alone ATM) if you possibly can help it.Your husband probably does love you but some men will take it if its offered on a plate!.You need time to process it and see what you want to do TBH.

Why does everyone feel the need to kick the OP while she's down.

People are trying to get the OP to open her eyes and not be naive.

They're not trying to kick her when she's down.

To believe beyond any doubt this is the first time he's cheated is naive....especially given the messages you received.

Someone would have to really hate you or him, to tell you...heavily pregnant that he was cheating. Most normal people are empathetic towards pregnant women. It's how we are as humans.

He was a new dad of 2 months and he's having sex with another woman!

He went through a series of events that night for a drunk man.

• went back to her place
• Went into her bedroom
• Took his clothes off
• Got erect
• Put a condom on and was subsequently able to ejaculate!

This was a conscious decision and ut would be odd for a devoted first time new dedicated dad, to have a ONS with the new hire out of nowhere.

If it's too much of a coincidence that you get messages in Feb then he cheats in may.

Even if the messages sounds childish that is no reason to immediately dismiss them. Maybe she is young and immature, maybe an 17/18 yr old he met somewhere? You already know he's capable.

Sorry op, i think you are kidding yourself if you think the result of a ONS is the only problem.

I would still be wary about those messages in Feb. Why would somebody randomly keep trying to contact you about it, they may not have had evidence or been able to say much, it could have been a warning from someone who found out, who wanted you to know. You wouldn't have believed what he had done in May if someone warned you like that? Cheats do act devestated and will keep lying and you end up feeling bad for questioning more and not believing them. Hes only told you due to the pregnancy thing remember. This sounds so heartbreaking, I have been cheated on and it's the worst feeling in the world, my exP was devestated and wanted forgiveness but did keep up the lying for ages so I didn't find out anymore. I slowly did find out everything though until I did know everything which each bit he admitted. It's better to know in one go, but they never do that. Look after yourself op, and your baby, hugs to you. X

He can’t be trusted really, he was happy to continue his life despite his actions. The fact he cuddled you after having sex with another women shoes that he did absolutely not regret it, anyone with any ounce of care and regret wouldn’t have been able to do that.
He only told you because of the baby and he’s only sorry about the baby, not the cheating.

You sound really head strong OP, it’s an amazing trait to have when going through something so awful. There’s a fundamental flaw in your relationship for him to do this, and if she is pregnant with his baby this changes your whole relationship dynamic forever. So regardless of your decision to stay with him or not, deep change is going to occur. It would probably be a lot easier for you to walk away with your son and find someone who wouldn’t do this to you.

I hope you find your light! x

Don't make any decisions now OP. Take some time to think about what you want to happen.

On mn you will always hear ltb. He's a serial cheat. Etc. It's not always that easy especially with a very young baby. Am not saying excuse him, or don't leave. Just that things aren't as black and white as what they are when you are behind a screen.

The problem here is you have a girl saying she is pregnant by your OH

Nah the problem is a "d"p cheats and lies, and the OP is desperate to believe anything he has to say.

Your husband and you need a frank discussion He is a liar, it will not be frank, it will be filled with lies.

Your husband probably does love you but some men will take it if its offered on a plate! Has he no personal responsibility to say "no" even if it is offered on a gold-plated M&S platter? He is an adult with autonomy not a rutting animal without the sense to see that his actions have consequences.

The long and short of it is that OP has just discovered that her DP loyalty extends as far as the next opportunity and his honesty extends as far as the lies he gets away with telling her.

I had this once many years ago

I was seeing this bloke for about 5 months and found out I was pregnant

He hit the roof and ended it

I found out he had kept bloody quiet about his wife (I swear I wouldn’t have gone near him if I’d known
about her and their son)

I had my baby (who’s now almost 20)

When his ex wife got in touch not long after I had him the cheeky twat had not only told her it was a one off-a pissed up mistake-but id done all the running!

I swear to god nothing could have been further than the truth-he did all the running and the (crap) sex was about 3 times a week for 5 months

She believed him and as far as I’m aware they are still together

And to really add salt to the wound he’s never paid a penny for our child (the csa are/where worse than useless)

Don’t believe everything he tells you

Sorry OP, I too agree that there's no realistic way that those messages in Feb were the fiction of some mad random. He's cheated and after he cheated you believed he was a good, faithful man. You still would if he hadn't got a woman pregnant. He's a good liar and deceiver.

It appears he's even been lying at work about being with you and being a father. The only reason to lie about that is to increase one's chance of bedding work colleagues.

You are in love with the man he's been telling you he is - not the man he's shown you he is. Believe the latter.

Also, if you’re going to get through this OP you need absolutely no input from him. You need to deal with the hard facts of the situation, him having sex with someone else. It doesn’t matter what he has to say, he did that and the rest is irrelevant.

OP has all but asked you all to stop but you're insisting on keeping going, and you're being too harsh.

She doesn't want to hear this. She is hurt. You're not offering support to her by calling him every name under the sun and insisting you know him better than she does.

OP, this is your husband, you know him so you don't have to keep responding to people who claim that you don't. If they turn our to be right, then they can celebrate later, but for now, focus on the matter at hand.

How are you feeling this morning? Have you got someone to talk to? He's out the house which is good, I completely agree about at the very least taking space. You were very restrained with your messages to her which is good.
I agree that you need answers. After some time, could you invite him over and basically tell him that this is his one chance to tell you everything before you reach a decision? If you decide to let him stay and find out that anything he told you is a lie then you will walk away without hesitation.

You need to look after you right now. If there is a baby, you can deal with that when you know more.

And finally, if you do decide to forgive him, you have to truly mean it. It'll be torture for you if you don't as you'll never have trust again and that is no way to live.

He’s not a lovely bloke, he’s a talented liar and an effective deceiver.
You may dismiss the anonymous messages on social media but the fact that they went to a lot of effort to warn you 3 times makes me believe them. They sound childish because they are probably from someone younger, he probably cheated before with someone younger than you both.
You suspected nothing until his confession which proves how practised he is at lying and deceiving- you suspected nothing.
Sorry this is happening but you need to wake up.

I think you should ask him about February.Tell him this is the one chance he has.And its a one time offer.

See what he tells you and take it from there.