Other woman is pregnant...

[holisticlori]

Hi I’m new here so sorry if I ramble. I’m not used to forums...
I have been with my partner for almost five years. We have a son together who was born in March this year, and we’ve never actually had any problems - or so I thought!

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with our son in Feb, I got a message on Instagram from some throwaway/fake account claiming that my partner was cheating on me, and claiming they could prove it.
Initially I ignored them but they wouldn’t stop messaging so I blocked them. They ended up making two more to message me, after blocking the second, I was getting annoyed, so when the third popped up, I simply answered “instead of just claiming you can prove it, ACTUALLY prove it. Just because you say you can, that doesn’t exactly make me believe you. Hard evidence please otherwise shut up.” They never replied, so I forgot all about it.
I guessed someone was just being cruel and trying to cause trouble! At 29 years old old myself I wasn’t having any of it!
Well.
That was until yesterday when my partner came home from work early, and I was of course at home with our son.
I asked “what have they sent you home for? Are you alright?” And he looked pale and shaky so I assumed he was ill, but he told me to sit down and kept saying over and over and over “I’m so sorry.” So I told him he was scaring me, what has he done?
He blurted it all out that back in May he had a one night stand with a new-ish colleague at his work, and now she’s claiming to be pregnant with his baby...
At this moment, I remembered the messages from February and brought them up to him. He said that was absolutely not true.She was only new at his company in May, and the night in question had been her ‘welcome aboard’ party, which I did actually know about, and I know that she arranged it all at the local pub. I have NEVER had any reasons not to trust him before now and he’s never treated me badly or lied to me before - that I’m aware of anyway! So I don’t think he’s lying about that. But then again maybe he is! Who knows anymore?! I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before and he said because it was a massive mistake and that he regretted it so much and wanted to pretend it never happened and it would never happen again. He insists that they did use protection and she also claimed to be on the pill, so he doesn’t understand how this could have happened. He came home very early hours of the morning that night, I remember, and had the audacity to cuddle up to me in bed!!!! After having done the dirty with her!!!! At the time I just assumed that he’d ended up going back to one of his colleague’s houses to drink more after the pub shut! I feel like such an idiot! 😞
I told him to get some proof that she’s pregnant first, and he says he intends to. I asked what he’s going to do, and he said he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want her, he loves me, but clearly he doesn’t if he’d cheat! I said to him he doesn’t love me and he can't just try to force her to have a termination, as much as it kills me to say that, but it’s her choice and he’s the one who cheated! And he said “I do actually love you. But no I know I can’t force her. It would be easier though. But I know I can’t ask her to do that.” So I told him I need a break from him at the very least. We both cried, he kept apologising, but he ended up respecting my wishes (eventually!) and leaving, he’s stayed the night at his sister’s (confirmed by her). I haven’t slept. I just keep crying. I can’t believe that he’s done this. I really had no idea at all. No red flags, nothing! He’s never been nasty to me or cheated before, he’s never been manipulative or lazy or anything! I always thought we’d had a good sex life and that he’d always found me attractive - he said so! So why would he do this? Our relationship has always been amazing! Obviously not! What on Earth do I do now? How can I cope if she really is pregnant with his child and decides to keep it? What about our son?! Only four months old and already his Daddy has torn our family apart! He’s an amazing Dad to our son, and is very hands on. I just can’t believe he’s done this...
I’m in so much shock! Heartbroken.
Sorry this is so long

@SandyY2K telling someone who is hurt and already feeling emotional and betrayed and humiliated that they are naïve and to "open their eyes" is dickish. You can have your gold star if you turn out to be right, but having some tact and think about how OP might be feeling right now

I guess that he has been having little secret cheating incidents throughout your relationships. One night stands etc. I would almost bet my life on the Feb person being a different person. He’s been flying under the radar and keeping this stuff separate to his life with OP.

Either way, he’s a bad man and not one I’d be willing to stay partnered with.

I think he’s probably done it before just based on how easily he slept with this woman. You’re never going to know anymore about the messages so I would let that go for a moment and focus on the pregnant woman situation.
They will need to get dna tests done when the baby is born and he’ll obviously have to pay maintenance. I wouldn’t contact her anymore for the moment and ask him not to unless she approaches him. The fact she’s already saying she doesn’t need your shit suggests he might of gone off at her or might of been begging her for an abortion or not to tell you.
I don’t think I could forgive this. I wouldn’t stay with him just because baby is 4 months. Me and ex broke up when our baby was 11 months and it’s not been as bad as I expected. It helps that you have your own house and your not married so he can’t claim half.

I think also the only way you are going to get truth to the matter OP is from the OW.She has nothing to loose or gain by being straight with you. She probably doesnt want him she probably never intended it to get so far so maybe a chat with her,,and I know how impossible that may seem right now might help YOU decide on how to progress but that is for another day and not right now....let the coming days be about you and your child for now...your oh can wait til you feel stronger....

So you've been together for 5 years and he only moved in when you got pregnant? A bit strange.
You've received messages from other women whilst pregnant saying he's a cheat, and now he's got a woman at work pregnant.
I'm thinking he lacks commitment and was previously keeping you as a girlfriend to fail back on, whilst enjoying trying out others. Something along the lines of having his cake and eating it. I very much doubt he would've moved in and 'committed' to you if you didn't get pregnant.

The thing is this ‘mistake’ all happened st her house. So at some time during the evening your fiancée decided to go back to some woman’s house he’d only met that day/night. They weren’t going back for a chat were they? What possessed him to go to her house, to make that decision and then keep going when at any point he could have backed out and gone home.
You keep saying he can’t have done this before but seeing as you had absolutely no idea about this time (until he had to tell you because he got someone pregnant) honestly how likely do you think this is to be the first time?
Is it possible to unblock the other person who messaged you and ask for proof? I’d have a go.
But for me, him going back to someone’s flat and sleeping with them and getting them pregnant would be the end.

So what you know for sure is that he had sex with someone else at least once & she might be pregnant?

If it wasn't for the second bit-would you know about the first bit?

I think that for a lot of people it would be enough to leave.

OP the problem with posting in AIBU is that you get people piling on telling you to believe the worst and LTB. Some of them like the drama. Some of them like telling people to do things they’d never do in their own lives.

You are the one who knows him, not us. I’m going to go against the majority here and say that I think your relationship is salvageable. I think you need to sit down and talk to him and tell him he’s got to be really honest and tell you everything. See if it matches with what OW says. See if he’ll go to couples counselling with you. And ask him about the Feb incident.

It’s annoying me all the PPs on here telling you that the Feb incident is true. How can they possibly know? To me it sounds like a childish troll, someone who has a grudge against you or him for some reason?

And I’m not making excuses for DP but people can cheat and still love their partner. It honestly sounds like a drunken mistake to me that he regretted deeply.

That is terrible. I feel so sorry for you and disgusted for you that he came to bed with you after. You really cant trust him. If she was new then he didn't waste any time did he. You deserve a man who has self control and not sleep with the easiest girl of the office for fun. Doesn't matter if he regrets it I'm afraid the moment your man sleeps with someone else its over. Make him pay for it too, he does not deserve you at all. Please don't let this looser back in.

She has no reason to lie, so if they'd been having sex for a while, or continued afterwards, or he'd just thrown on his jeans and sauntered out with a wink i'm sure she'd have said. The way he reacted to her would make me think that he got really drunk and did something stupid. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't make it ok and it doesn't mean he gets to stay. But it also doesn't sound like a serial philanderer.

When was the last time before this that he went out and got drunk? Was there any big nights out around Feb?

I'd consider telling him you've unblocked the old accounts and messaged them again and they've shown you proof and see what he says.

Whether it was once or more, only you can decide if you can ever forgive him for betraying you and if this is it for you, don't let him try and guilt you into a difference choice

I’m sorry OP.

Only you can make your mind up about what to do next. You know him and not us. After all, this is your family and child’s father. I can understand why you want to avoid a broken home (having come from one myself).

However, with the complicated addition of another child- I wonder if the best case scenario here would be to break up, stay friends and co parent?

I'm so sorry OP. Minus the pregnancy my DH did the exact same thing to me, I found out three weeks ago when a third party emailed me to tell me. It's emotional agony, totally traunatising and I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I also would say that your partner doing this doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you, it sounds like he is a selfish dickhead who got carried away in the moment. What they fail to think about at the time is the reality of the consequences of their actions and the sheer scale of the pain they could inflict. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone

Get rid of him, he has no respect for you. If you have been cheated on many times perhaps it is because you keep forgiving these types of men. Time to stop being so forgiving.

Sorry if this has been covered earlier in the thread. But do people organise their own welcome to the company parties in the local pub? Is it more likely that this is the Feb person who has got herself a job at your DH company and has taken him to the pub to celebrate. If so maybe she has been trying hard to get into DH life. Obviously completely speculation but it might help you make your decisions to find out how it all came about.

I am sorry you have to deal with it all.

The messages were from a childish person. Doesn't mean they weren't true. Don't OW ever have petty friends? Or bored and destructive teenage siblings?

If they didn't know personal details then it could just be random. But this person knows you.

I think you are being very naive indeed discounting them on the basis of what you assume your "D"P's character to be. He's already proved he's not the man you thought he was.

I think you (and family) are so drawn in to the nice guy image that you will look for excuses that it was a one off and that with a bit of hard work you will be able to recover - because that is the perfect ending to what has been revealed.
The reality is that he probably does the nice guy image on everyone and has cheated multiple times. Men will always avoid admitting everything and will only own up to the minimum that has been exposed.

If you stay together, either he becomes a deadbeat, or he has significant access and it's almost guaranteed that you would end up doing the bulk of the step parenting. You will be unlikely to ever be able to gain legal rights to that child (possible, but very difficult), so may find yourself cut out if you break up with your partner. This could totally break your heart. You may find yourself afraid to leave him, later, out of fear of losing touch with this child. Effectively trapped.

Are you ready to take part in raising the OWs child? Are you ready to love that child with no legal right of visitation?

Also, if you stay and agree to that, obviously you'll agree to anything, so he'll cheat, cheat and cheat some more. These types are never grateful that you stay, they devalue you for what they see as weakness.

Something isn't right here.

It seems strange that the ons wasn't aware that he was in a relationship. Especially as there was a new born involved.

Everywhere I've worked everywhere me knows when someone's partner has had their first child. Surely it would have come me up in casual conversation, as in 'do you want to see these photos of my son, he is two months old' , or a colleague would have mentioned it.
He gets on well enough with his colleagues to go out drinking with them, so it is unlikely he would be so private as to conceal becoming a father from them.

Ditch him

@Catsandchardonnay I agree.

For everywhere me, please read everyone, combo of multitasking and auto correct error.
But my point is, usually you can get 'amazing dad's' to shut up about their new borns!

Tbh I'd be believing the feb texts, you didn't know about the ONS so you might not have known about the feb ones

You need time to process what's happened and what YOU actually want.

I'm sorry, OP. But it does sound like he's cheated on you and gotten away with it ... until now. YOu only know now because this young woman says she's pregnant.

You would never have believed he could do such a thing ... until he had to tell you he did. Which changes everything. You need to accept that he has possibly been cheating on you for a while, especially while you were heavily pregnant, and decide what you want to do.

Only you get to decide. Not him. So figure out what you want first. If you want to try to fix the relationship, decide what it will take and tell him. Good luck.

OP, this is your husband, you know him
You are the one who knows him,
Except she doesn't, does she? Because her devoted partner of 5 years, the 'amazing' dad to their very young son, has cheated on her and got someone else pregnant. And very likely has cheated several times.

So the OP is having to match that reality to the man she thinks she has had for the last 5 years. And that is really hard.

PP are giving an unbiased opinion. What would the OPs opinion be if this was happening to her friend? LTB of course.

OP I don't normally reply and while I totally agree with PP's there's one thing that hasn't been mentioned (please excuse me if I missed it).

When someone on MN says they know some male is having an affair and should they inform the wife but afraid of not being believed, the suggestion is often....advise her anonymously and setup a fake SM account to do this. Imho, the Feb messages are just this, someone wanting to inform you because they have a social conscience but don't want to be 'that' messenger for fear of not being believed...which is exactly what you did when you blocked them?

Also, they might not be young and childish this might just be to put you off their trail? If I, or you, wanted we could quite easily post a young/childish message using teen-type language etc, to cover our tracks and this is what I think was done in Feb.

You are in shock and I am sure I would be too in the same situation. Lastly, I don't think it's a good idea to have his DSis with him at your house, afterall 'blood is thicker than water' and she will take his side to try and convince you to 'forgive, forget and move on'.

I wish you all the best which is what any decent human deserves and should expect from their partner, unfortunately your 'D'H hasn't learned that and you are the one suffering.